Relationships Talk

All relationships have challenges and issues. Even in the best of romances—those with an amazing connection, intense passion and a genuine friendship – times can get tough, and that’s when you find yourself at Starbucks telling your friend over an iced cinnamon dolce latte that you are feeling frustrated, disappointed and unsure about the relationship you thought just a week ago was blissful, even perfect.

Relationships take on a whole different set of complexities when one or both people are divorced parents. This reader is a good example:

I have been dating a divorced woman with a 5-year-old daughter for a year and a half. I love her and her daughter greatly, and it seems they both love me, too. The only wrinkle is, her ex of 11 years throws fits when she or they go anywhere with me. He does not have a good place to visit the child, so she lets him use her house. If I leave anything over at her house, she has to hide it before he sees it, i.e. cough drops, shampoo, etc. I try to be patient and understanding, but the other night we had a date and he was supposed to come over to stay with their daughter. She told me not to come to the door when I got there, that she would come out and meet me because he didn’t want to see me. He texted her the entire time during our date. When we headed back to the house, she had me stop and let her out, and told me to drive around and that when he left, I could come in.

Let’s start with the mom. It seems like she is trying to keep everyone happy – her daughter, her boyfriend and her ex-husband. While understandable, I don’t think she should have to walk on eggshells around her ex-husband or hide her boyfriend from him. They have been divorced for over a decade, plus she is doing her ex a huge favor by allowing him in her home to spend time with their daughter.

As for the boyfriend, I don’t blame him for feeling frustrated, and I suspect he is a bit resentful by his girlfriend so often putting her ex first. But, it’s important to realize that it’s not the ex, but rather the daughter she is putting first. She wants her girl to have a relationship with her dad, and this might feel like the only way.

I think the ex-husband is being selfish and immature, and isn’t doing anyone any favors by throwing fits and requiring his ex-wife to hide her boyfriend. He should be grateful that his ex-wife is accommodating his needs. He needs to understand that she has moved on and found happiness in a new relationship.

This is only one of countless scenarios that can occur when it comes to divorced parents dating. Here are six pieces of advice for those in a relationship when one or both people are divorced with kids:

1. Don’t introduce the kids too soon or try to force a connection. When people find love after divorce and they are ecstatic and giddy over the new relationship, they often want the kids to jump in and join in their happiness. They don’t realize that the kids might need more time to adjust. They might still be grieving their parent’s divorce. Also, just because you are now dating your soulmate, that doesn’t mean your kids feel connected to his or her kids. Be patient and give everyone time to accept your new love. Never force them into spending time with the other kids.

2. Mix up the time you spend with everyone. It is important to spend time three different ways: alone as a couple, alone with your kids, and together as a blended family. Don’t be hurt if you aren’t invited to everything with your new guy or girl, and don’t feel obligated to invite him or her to everything either. Balance is the key to a happy and peaceful relationship.

3. Don’t take it personally if his or her kids don’t want to meet you. Almost all kids have a hard time with their parents entering into a new relationship. Reasons include that they might still be hoping their parents reconcile, they have a hard time trusting someone new, they feel scared or awkward around a new person, or being connected feels disloyal to the other parent. If they won’t meet you, it is not personal, and if you can be patient, the kids almost always come around.

4. Don’t try to be a stepmother or stepfather. The kids already have a mother and father. They don’t need two. Even if their parent has died, they don’t want a replacement. The best thing you can be to the kids of your boyfriend or girlfriend is a friend, and/or a source of support. Let the child dictate how close he or she wants to be to you. All you have to do is be there when the kids need you and you’ve done your job.

5. Try to get along with the ex-spouse and put pettiness aside. No matter how you feel about your boyfriend or girlfriend’s ex, remember that he or she is the parent of your boyfriend or girlfriend’s kids, and for that he or she should be respected and treated with kindness.

6. Remember that the kids don’t define your relationship. Dating after divorce can be very special and meaningful. Most people are pleasantly surprised and elated that they were able to find love again after the heartbreak of divorce. So, what you have with your new love should stand on its own – with or without the support of the kids. In other words, leave them out of it and just enjoy the beauty of the connection you have found. You don’t have to be the perfect family. The only thing that has to be perfect is how you feel when you’re spending time with the person with whom you’ve fallen madly in love. Trust me, the kids will eventually come around.

• Jackie Pilossoph is a freelance columnist for Chicago Tribune Media Group. She is also the creator of her divorce support website, Divorced Girl Smiling. Pilossoph lives in Chicago with her two children.