Amy Dickinson: Pot-smoking husband wants to toke freely
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Dear Amy: My husband and I are at a crossroads. I learned several years ago that he had been smoking marijuana daily for nearly the whole of our 25-year marriage. I always knew he used pot, but I had no idea of the extent.
He finally said he wanted to be able to smoke freely. I agreed to this, and then I was shocked. He smoked in the morning, at night, on walks, on the porch after dinner and on dates. It began to make me feel as though he needed to be high to get through our life together. Out of the blue one day, he told me he wanted to quit. I was thrilled, but then he struggled mightily to quit. He finally did quit for 10 months.
Now he has started smoking again. He says he won’t smoke as much, but that he can’t make any promises. He says he spoke with his doctor about it, and his doctor was not concerned. Pot is now legal in our state.
I do not want to go back to the way things were, and have made that clear. He says that he’s an adult who can make his own decisions and that it shouldn’t matter to me because it does not alter his personality. He does not want to talk to our family counselor about it. Should I give it time, or make my own decision? — Too High-Minded?
Dear High-Minded: Your husband seems to have become dependent on (or addicted to) marijuana; after a lot of effort, he was able to quit, and now he has relapsed.
According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse (drugabuse.gov), “…studies suggest that 9 percent of people who use marijuana will become dependent on it, rising to about 17 percent in those who start using in their teens.” Your husband is a very longtime daily user.
His statement: “I’m an adult and I can use if I want…” is correct. He is an adult and he gets to make choices.
You are also an adult, and you get to make choices, too. He will not quit his pot use because you want him to. He will only quit if he wants to.
You ask if you should give it time, or make your own decision, but I think you should give it time AND make your own decision. He may be able to modulate his use. Are you open to this? But if his pot smoking affects your life in intolerable ways, then you may need to leave the relationship.
While you are pondering your options, you should stop bargaining with him. Detach from his choices and focus on yourself. A “friends and family” support group could help you.
Dear Amy: I recently got married, but the planning process was awful.
My mother and sister were horrible and hurtful.
Long story short, I ended up temporarily disconnecting all contact with my sister until I am ready and until she can be respectful toward me and my husband.
My question is — how will I know when I’m ready to reach out? My parents are pressuring me to make up with her and I do miss my nephews, but it’s only been three months and I’m not sure if I know that I’m ready.
What should I do? — Newlywed
Dear Newlywed: You don’t mention whether your parents are also pressuring your sister to make up with you. Nor do you say whether your sister has made any attempts — it doesn’t sound as if she has.
If you want to move this along, you could contact your sister and ask her to meet with you privately.
Describe your concerns, including what she did that caused you distress. Stay calm and assume a neutral attitude of listening. If you create plenty of space for her to acknowledge her own behavior and she doesn’t, then you’ll have another decision to make — whether to forgive her and try to move on, or whether to continue to keep your distance from someone who doesn’t seem to respect you. This will be up to you — not your parents.
Dear Amy: “Loving Children” described the tension for their adoptive father when they try to see their biological family.
You made a huge mistake. This adoptive father is not their real father. He might be wonderful, but he is a stepparent, not a parent. — Upset
Dear Upset: This man had adopted his stepchildren. An adoptive parent IS a “real” parent in every way, except for DNA.
