Relationships Talk

By Judi Light Hopson, Emma H. Hopson and Ted Hagen / Tribune News Service

Are you setting a good example for your children or grandchildren about marriage? How you think and behave speaks volumes to the next generation or two.

It’s rare to find anyone who says marriage is easy, although we all know a few people who might feel this way. They’ll say something such as, “We were high school sweethearts, and we’ve never had an argument in 50 years!”

The rest of us scratch our heads, wondering if they’ve really paid attention.

Living under the same roof with another adult, whether you’re married or not, is typically stressful.

That’s why it pays to behave much better than you feel like behaving. When your children watch your reactions, you want them to develop the skills for making marriage work.

Consider some advice from author Peter Davidson who wrote the book, “Marital Advice to My Grandson, Joel: How to Be a Husband Your Wife Won’t Throw Out of the Window in the Middle of the Night” (Sweet Memories Publishing). He covers everything from planning the wedding, dividing household chores, shopping, manners, reading body language, investing, and much more.

His advice to his grandson makes it clear that men and women are different. Let’s not kid ourselves about this! Davidson is advising his grandson to embrace this truth, so marriage becomes manageable — and will last.

Davidson’s advice, presented through the voice of comedy mixed with wisdom, spells out the ways a well-informed young man should approach marriage and protect his own sanity.

For example, one of his pearls of wisdom is this: “Be careful what you confess to. Women have a memory like an elephant.”

While humor is always a tool for keeping a marriage intact, you’ll want to explain some basic truths to your children and grandchildren. These tips have served us well in our marriages:

• Never threaten your spouse with leaving or divorce. Just speaking these ideas is abusive.

• Don’t share your secrets with friends or relatives. Remember this: People are very, very jealous of a good love relationship. They can subconsciously try to sabotage you.

• Keep the in-laws at bay. Yes, you do marry the whole family, but do not let them live in your house, if possible. Unkind in-laws can do irreparable damage to your relationship.

• Do have a date night every week. This is how you create special memories with your mate. Otherwise, everything blurs together and nothing stands out.

• Remember that money and sex do rule. Don’t get into financial trouble, or you can’t enjoy life with your spouse. Do spend intimate time together, even if you only hold hands.

• Never worry that your kids and grandkids see you having a disagreement. They will only figure out how to have a good marriage by watching you work through these situations.

“My wife and I pretend the whole world is watching when we have a quarrel,” said a friend of ours we’ll call Jack. “This way,” Jack said, “we don’t say things we’ll regret or wish we could take back.”

Judi Light Hopson is the executive director of the stress management website USA Wellness Cafe at www.usawellnesscafe.com. Emma Hopson is an author and a nurse educator. Ted Hagen is a family psychologist.