Relationships Talk

Missed opportunities

Help! So, I was out at the bar quite a bit recently due to football playoffs. On three separate occasions I saw the same girl. I noticed her every time, and we even caught eyes more than once. I checked her hands for a ring. She was totally into the games, and I didn’t want to interrupt. I haven’t seen her since, and I can’t stop thinking about her. I know I probably should have bought a couple shots and taken one over to her, and now I am kicking myself. I am checking every dating app I have but I haven’t come across anything.

Signed,

Missed Opportunity.

Oh wow. You were so close. You had us with you right up to the end, Mo. You didn’t miss the opportunity. It was given to you three times and you refused it. You would not have even had to do much work. Why didn’t you ask the bartender to send her a drink? When did this tradition die out? We get it, most relationships start online currently, but when you are in a bar, the simple act of sending a drink will answer so many questions.

This is the advice one of us was given when we turned 21 about the art of bar flirting, and how it works. If you see someone attractive in a bar, or someone you would like to talk to, ask the bartender to send them a drink of their choice. First, this lets you know what kind of person they are. If their $3 PBR suddenly becomes a top-shelf Long Island, it tells you a lot. Next, it lets them decline the drink or accept it. Think of this like swiping left or right in the real world.

Now, our parents raised us correctly, and we would never turn down a free drink. That’s just rude, and it borders on alcohol abuse. Now the person upon who is offered the drink should tell the bartender what they would like, and join the person who purchased it, for the time it takes them to consume the libation. This could work out a couple of ways. If the person decides to get a small drink or shot, priced comparably to their current drink of course, you can assume they are not looking to spend a lot of time with the person purchasing said cocktail. If they get a beer, or wine, or a sipping drink, game on. It’s time to start talking.

You also get to see what the person looks like in real life, you can find out interests, and maybe set up your next encounter right there, so that when you take them out on a real date, all of those jitters and nerves are already out of the way and you can concentrate on getting to know your new friend.

Lastly, don’t buy people a drink from the bartender and take it to them. It’s creepy and suspect. Even if you are at a nightclub on a Friday night and meet someone in the hallway, take them up to the bartender and let them order their own drink, and then pay for it and tip well. Big tippers are the sexiest of all.

Many of the other questions we received recently also mentioned online dating and dating apps. Here are a couple.

Do you feel like you make meaningful connections using modern online dating resources? Do you feel like those resources distract people and deter them from making real life connections?

And

I have a lot of issues that stem from online dating and people pretending to be someone they aren’t. This can lead to catfishing and/or ghosting. Why do people think they can do that to another human?

OK. Here we go. Dating apps are a reality, and in many ways they are awesome. There are sites and apps out there for whatever you are in to, and we think that is totally neat. From Christian Mingle to Fetlife to Grindr and Farmers Only, you can get specific about what you are looking for. The problem arises when you find it, and the person on the other end is not being honest about themselves or what they are looking for. However, these problems can happen in the real world also.

Here are some tips and tricks that we have found to be true with our usage of the online dating world, and why they are important.

1. Stop sending nude pictures before you have met the person, and never use this as an introduction.

We get it, we are all visual, but unless you introduce yourself to someone at a bar by whipping your dick out on the table or say hello to someone at the grocery store by flashing them, stop using that as your go to method when saying hello to someone virtually. At least have them buy you a cup of coffee first. This is not about slut–shaming; we happen to love it when tasteful, consensual nudes slide into our DM’s. Unless it’s a hookup, in which case get them nudes flying, but at least do it on Snapchat where you know if they are going to screenshot it.

2. Be honest about yourself in your profile.

Yes, post your best picture online, but not that one that has so many filters on it that you are unrecognizable. Take off your sunglasses in at least one picture. Don’t lie about your height, or weight, or age. How can you expect anyone else to be honest with you, if you are lying to them?

3. Take it beyond text.

After a while, texting is not getting you anywhere. If you are at the point that you have been text chatting for more than a couple days straight, try a phone conversation. If that phone conversation is going to last more than 20 minutes, go get a cup of coffee or a cocktail. If the other person only ever wants to text, and always finds an excuse to not meet, these are red flags. Big red flags. Huge red flags. It could mean that they are already in a monogamous relationship, or that they look nothing like their picture, or that they are simply stringing you along trying to use you as a parachute when they bail out of whatever mess they are in now.

4. Always meet in a public place. Always have a safe call.

When you finally decide to meet up with the prospective person, make sure that you are somewhere well lit, with cameras, and possibly even security. Bars in the daytime and malls are great for this. Before you head off to this meeting, let a friend know where you are going, and all the information you have about the person you are meeting. Your most neurotic, busybody friend that tries to control your life is great for this task. Then check in with your friend periodically to let them know how things are going. Yes, it sounds paranoid, but it’s always better to be safe than sorry.

In conclusion, online dating can be a great tool that can lead to deeper connections, but only if you take the necessary steps to turn the virtual into actuality.

The committee of Alaskans are always here to help you with any questions you may have about dating, sex, and personal relationships. Considering the amount of time we spend on our phones we will probably run into you in cyberspace. Contact us at lastfrontierdating@outlook.com