Relationships Talk

Ask Anna is a sex column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphic.

Dear Anna,

My boyfriend won’t masturbate in front of me. I gladly do it in front of him. I find it weird that he won’t. Should I stop asking him? —Solo Spanking

Dear SS,

As a wise person — perhaps it was Gandhi — once said, some people simply prefer to jerk it alone. It doesn’t have to mean anything. Maybe he feels self-conscious or performative. Maybe he has to tune out the outside world and wouldn’t be able to do so with you watching. And if you’ve asked more than once and he’s said no, then yes, stop asking. That’s his boundary. Respect it and find other activities that get you both off.

Dear Anna,

I’ve been with my partner for a little over a year, and my frustration is mounting to a new level. In the beginning, we started out really hot and heavy, albeit very off and on. The sex was great, and we’d hook up several times a week. After a while, when we started to become more serious, I’d come over and cook for him, sometimes clean, and just do little things to help him around the house. Fast forward to now, and I gotta tell ya … I feel like I do everything. He’s currently collecting unemployment, while I work 50 hours a week. I manage to cook, clean, and satisfy him physically all the while, but he literally doesn’t do anything around the house. None of that bothers me as much as what has happened to our sex life. It became apparent to me very shortly after we moved in together that he didn’t have a very high sex drive. By now, our sex life is nonexistent. I’ve tried everything, from sexy costumes to massages, and everything in between. I’ve always been the one to initiate sex, and even when he does get in the mood, it only ever ends up with him receiving oral, and it’s never reciprocated, even when I ask for it. It’s started to take a real toll on my self-esteem, and I’ve had several conversations with him about all of these things, but nothing changes and I somehow always end up apologizing at the end of it all. I’m about ready to tear my hair out, and between the rejection and stress of daily life/picking up after my partner, I’ve just about had enough. —What Gives

Dear WG,

Signs point to: Dump him. What is keeping you tethered, WG? Based on your letter, I’m hard-pressed to find a reason you want to stay.

If you’re not ready to outright end the relationship, then at the very least stop doing everything you don’t want to do. And I mean everything. Stop picking up after him. Stop cleaning for him and cooking for him and giving him non-reciprocated sex. Take a giant, giant step back from this relationship and focus instead on what makes you happy and what you want to do and what you can control. Do this for a few weeks and see how you feel with the distance and space. I’m guessing it’ll bring you even more clarity than you already seem to have.

You’ve had enough, you say. You’re in a relationship that’s not meeting your needs. You’re APOLOGIZING for it even! You say his lack of help around the house doesn’t bother you, but it clearly does. Don’t minimize it. Own your feelings. Own your grievances. You want more out of a partner. This man isn’t giving it to you. Find one who will.

Check out more sex and dating advice from Anna here. »

Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Want to ask Anna an anonymous question about love, sex or dating? Send it below, or email redeyedating@gmail.com.