Dear John: When my wife (“Jan”) and I got married two years ago, her mother (“Sue”) wanted nothing to do with us, since she’s a “good Christian” who believes that being gay is just about the worst possible sin.

Sue refused to come to our wedding, has wanted nothing to do with us since, and has made it pretty clear — via a few nasty comments to me directly — that she basically blames me for turning her daughter into “something unnatural.”

One time she even told Jan that, as far as she was concerned, Jan was dead to her — since she’d already “lost her immortal soul.”

My beautiful wife cried for days over that. When, on the phone, I pleaded with Sue to tell Jan she wasn’t really dead to her, Sue only doubled down. “You two made your bed of sin,” she told me. “Now lie in it.”

Three months ago Jan and I had a baby girl, Harper. Almost from the day we got back from the hospital, Sue — who, again, wanted almost nothing to with us during our pregnancy — suddenly wanted to be a part of our lives — or, more specifically, of Harper’s life.

Increasingly since Harper was born, Sue just “drops over,” totally unannounced. She wants to hold our baby, rock her, feed her, dress her, take her for walks. She’s starting to spend as much time with Harper as we do.

Jan seems to have mostly ambivalent feelings about her mother now being so involved in our lives. But I don’t like it. I don’t like the way she treats Jan, and I don’t like that she still acts like I’m some sort of phase Jan is sure to outgrow any day.

I want Sue to go away and leave us alone. But since she’s not my mother, I do feel iffy about flat-out declaring that she’s no longer welcome in our house. Any advice for me on how to handle this?

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Answer: You didn’t say if you or Jan ever leave Harper alone with Sue. But if you’re not one-thousand percent comfortable doing that, don’t. Sue chose her religious dogma over her daughter. That is profoundly dysfunctional. It means that you must bear in mind the old Chernobyl saying that I’m making up right now: The air itself can corrode a crib.

Relative to Jan’s working out her relationship with her mother, tread lightly. To the extent that you can, try to protect Jan emotionally from whatever harm her mother might be doing her. Encourage her to stand up for herself, to hold her mother accountable for her harmful views and statements, to insist that Sue show respect to you and for your marriage.

Help her to remember that Sue is in her world now and needs to act right about it. Being a wonderful grandmother isn’t a pass for being a crappy mother.

Hopefully, between her apparent love for Harper and her ongoing exposure to the everyday workings of your marriage to her daughter, the sun will rise on the darkness of Sue’s dogma-fueled bigotry. That sort of change happens all the time. It can take a while, but typically organic love trumps (so to speak) learned hatred.

Sue loves Harper. You love Harper. You love Jan. Jan loves Harper. Jan loves you. Jan loves Sue. Sue (still and all, I’m guessing) loves Jan.

If I were a betting man I’d bet that, in your house, love wins.

Send questions to askjohnshore@gmail.com, or through John’s website, JohnShore.com. Questions may be edited for brevity, clarity, or to ensure anonymity.

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