Relationships Talk

For more than five years or so, your buddy Nicholas has enjoyed all the freedom that comes with bachelorhood. He always laughed at you when you excused yourself to leave the pub, claiming that you are all a bunch of henpecked men, hell-scared of their wives.

In two weeks’ time, he will marry one of the most beautiful women you have seen, but you cannot vouch for her attitude. You expressed your skepticism that she will run Nicholas down, but Nicholas said that his Maasai blood will not allow a woman to sit on him. How the mighty fall. ​

Nicholas is about to discover what American humourist Hellen Rowland said: It takes a woman 20 years to make a man of her son and another woman 20 minutes to make a fool of him. You don’t even envy him. As the old wise men said, marriage is like a place besieged. Those in want out and those out want in.

Last weekend, you sat as men to bring Nicholas up to speed on what marriage entails. Here are the pieces of advice you collated.

1. Never say anything positive about the househelp. Keep every opinion to yourself, unless it is something negative.

2. Never borrow money from your wife. If you borrow, pay it back with interest.

3. Never ask your wife how she spends her money. Never. Ever.

4. Ban cabbage and ndengu from the word go — before they become a staple serving.

5. Always stand your ground — firmly. Let her know the boundaries she can’t cross. If you give women a mile, they will grab the whole world.

6. You will lose all the arguments in your marriage. When your wife is on the wrong, she will gaslight you to a point of losing your sanity. Just know where to draw the line.

7. Act unreasonable sometimes. Scare them a bit. A comfortable wife is a dangerous one. (This in no way advocates for violence).

8. Buy her gifts. Once a year.

9. Women like pushing buttons, all the time. They like provoking the man. They derive pleasure in provoking you. Act cool and annoy her.

10. Don’t be too boring. Modern women like excitement. Find something exciting occasionally. Take her to the village and let her cool with wet pieces of wood. She will love it.

11. Minimise contact with her as much as possible. More contact begets friction. Friction is bad for your soul.

12. Beware of the silent treatment. The many nights you will come home from a night of bingeing, she will give you the scary silent treatment. Don’t succumb to pressure and panic. Enjoy the golden silence.

13. Your worth is your bank balance. Don’t be cheated that she will stay because you lay the pipe well, or some silly idea like romance. After 25, women are all about bills, vacations and everything money can buy. If you don’t have the money, she will a) despise you, b) cheat on you, c) find a reason or excuse to leave you.

14. Always pay the rent. Armed with that, remember better or worse is a lie. Marriage to women is only for better times. There will be many bad patches. Don’t quit. Stay and fight, until nothing is left. By then you will be too old. Wish you all the best Nick.

@nyanchwani
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