Baggage Check: I'm dating a fairly well-known guy and now it feels like I'm second fiddle
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Below are some of the exchanges from the relationships advice column, Baggage Check, published weekly in The Washington Post’s Express.
Q: I am dating someone well-known in our community (think respected blogger in a certain field). I am really into him, but I also feel that I don’t have a sense of being on a level playing field with him. I had gotten used to feeling pretty accomplished, at least on par with who I date, and I tend to feel like I’m the attractive one in a relationship. Now I feel like I’m the appendage. Is there a way to get over this? Or do I need to be the star in the relationship?
A: You’re dating someone with whom there is a new dynamic and balance of power and status, and that may take some adjustment. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything negative about you. There’s no way for me to know, but I’ll err on the side of not pathologizing: You’re human, your partner is not the typical partner, and so your reaction is natural and understandable. Give it time and see where it goes. Ultimately, you choose to be with the person, not the image.
Q: I have some history with a guy my friend is now dating. Nothing serious, just a few hookups when we knew each other years ago. She knew that we were acquaintances, but she has no idea otherwise. I keep going back and forth on whether to say something to her. My gut says to let it go, but I also feel like if it does come out someday and I never said anything, then that will be bad.
A: There are two truths here, and they’re at odds. One: For sure, it is far better for her to find out now than to find out later. Two: On any given day, it is easier if she doesn’t find out at all. But, easy doesn’t mean right. I’m not sure how close you are to this friend. Is it fair to her to withhold this? And imagine having to sit on this secret potentially indefinitely — or even worse, wondering if others who knew of it, including him, are going to spill the beans regardless of your wishes. It definitely runs the risk of becoming A Thing. I’m generally in favor of preventing the growth of such Things. And if they are not yet serious, hopefully this should not (yet) be a humongous deal.
