Category Archives: marriage advice
Making it work: Couples reflect on 20 years together
The 2003 story featured comments from an expert on marriage dynamics who noted it was statistically unusual for all of the couples to still be married after five years.
Now 20 years later, they decided to revisit those couples and found that at least two of the unions ended in divorce.
Of the original eight couples mentioned in the 2003 story, members from six could be reached for this story. Of those six marriages, four remain intact.
In the case of one of two marriages confirmed not to have made it, one half of the couple declined an interview, but stated that he was “happily divorced.”
The other confirmed divorce was finalized this past spring.
When it came to the marriages that lasted, the couples answered questions aimed at sussing out clues as to what helped to make things work for them.
Here’s what their answers revealed.
The kid factor
Maren and Gary Niemeier, Grand Forks, N.D., have two daughters, 16 and 19 years old. They said children introduced a major change in their relationship.
“Our different child-rearing approaches had a big impact on us as a couple,” the Niemeiers said.
“It was hard to separate our own methods from habits that popped up from prior generations. You quickly realize your kids are learning by watching, so modeling good behavior really plays into the partner experience,” they added.
The arrival of children also introduced a major change in the marriage of Sheila and Stuart Gunness, rural Walcott, N.D., who have two children, a son, 14, and a daughter, 11.
“Our alone time is very limited!” the couple said. “You have to want to make time for each other.”
Challenges and triumphs
Scott and Lisa Mauch, of Marshall, Minn., have four children, three daughters ages, 9, 17, and 19, and a son, 14.
They count their children as a major accomplishment of their marriage.
“One major triumph is raising our four children to be great kids. They are loved by so many people,” the Mauchs said.
The biggest challenge of their marriage? “Trying to stay connected with your partner.”
The Gunnesses said they have been fortunate in that challenges have been few in their years together. “We feel a triumph for us is that we are still in love and enjoying this crazy life!” the Gunnessess said.
Staying together
“Trust and respect take a lot of work to build up and can be quickly undone with a cruel word, or selfish action,” the Niemeiers advised.
“Being married is not license to let it all hang out,” they added. “Do your best to be diplomatic. People visit the auto mechanic, but wouldn’t dream of consulting a marriage mechanic; it’s worth the investment. The grass is greener where you water it.”
The Gunnesses shared similar advice: “Don’t let the little things bother you. Pick your battles.”
For the Mauchs, it’s about working at it. “You need to make time for each other, whether just staying home or going on a date.
“We realize that to make it to the good times (and there are too many to count), we need to rise above ourselves and see how the other person feels and give in or compromise,” they said, adding: “Just work it out.”
Some takeaways
From the Niemeiers: “Our secret marriage technique: sitting up in bed on a weekend morning, grabbing a beverage (Gary — coffee, Maren — tea) and just talking for an hour about anything and everything. It’s amazing what you can learn.”
They also shared this bit of advice, which they found in an online advice column on what helps make a marriage work: Negotiate differences in taste intelligently and tolerate differences with generosity.
“With those two skills, a marriage could go far,” they said.
From the Mauchs: “We would not change a thing about our lives at this time. We are all happy and healthy and have a beautiful family.”
From the Gunnesses: “Marriage takes work! You have to learn how to compromise.”
A fourth marriage that lasted is that of Laurie and Brian Kuehl of Moorhead, whose busy lives did not permit them to fill out the questionnaire, though they kindly shared a portrait photo for this story.
The Duchess of Cambridge went against the royals' request for her wedding day hairstyle
While the Duchess of Cambridge’s 2011 wedding look, with her regal Sarah Burton wedding dress and ‘done’ make-up appeared perfectly conformist, apparently one element of her look was a rebellion against royal request: her hairstyle.
Word has it that Kate’s half-up wavy hairstyle should have been a full up-do, according to tradition.
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In a new documentary about the royal wedding, William & Kate: The Journey, royal reporter Ashley Pearson claims that the bride was given official hair advice as such, but went against it.
“Royal sources tell me that the royals indicated very strongly to Kate that they would prefer her to wear her hair up for this very special occasion,” Pearson revealed.
“However, Kate had her heart set on wearing her hair down with long flowing curls, which is her favourite way to wear it and actually William’s favourite as well. They ended up compromising on her look.”
So, the bride’s hair was formal in the front, and romance in the back – and it worked. Well, they do say a marriage is all about compromise.
You’ll want to copy Kate’s velvet hair bow
Strong feelings for husband's ex
Dear Annie: I have a tricky problem going on right now.
I am married and have been for a while — 20-plus years. It’s been a typical marriage, with its ups and downs, but I’d say I’ve been fairly content and things have been pretty good. Right now, I would say I am in the middle of my life, so this issue could very well be a midlife crisis.
I have a great relationship with my husband’s ex-wife. We have always gotten along famously. Lately, I have been having strong feelings for her that I shouldn’t be having. I have four stepchildren, and there is always some function or get-together with all of us. We typically have a wonderful time together. I find myself thinking about her all the time when I’m not around her. I know that nothing can come of these feelings, and it seems ridiculous to me, but I can’t seem to stop them.
I never felt this way in the early days of my marriage. It started a few years ago. I’m not sure what brought it on, but she is a great person, and maybe I’ve just started to realize that. I’m even dreaming about her at night. I have had same-sex feelings off and on my whole life and was in a brief relationship with a woman before I met my husband. It was quick but intense.
When I met my husband, I only had eyes for him, so I didn’t think anything more about women until now. I am sure I should probably talk to a therapist because this can’t be normal. I’ve tried everything to stop the thoughts, but they just seem to be getting stronger. I don’t want to be consumed with this any longer.
My husband and stepchildren would be shocked to know about this, but I am very good at hiding my feelings and would never say a word to them. I wonder, though, whether any of my feelings show when I am around the family.
I’m open to any suggestions you might have.
— Pining Away Day After Day
Dear Pining Away: Before deciding whether to act on your feelings, you should talk to a therapist, as you acknowledged in your letter.
Developing strong feelings for another person could be a sign that there is a lack of intimacy in your own marriage. If that’s the case, then the next person you should talk to is your husband.
The type of uncontrollable thoughts you have could also be a sign of obsessive-compulsive disorder. The way around them is through them. The more you resist intrusive thoughts the more they come. That which we resist persists. You sound pretty calm, considering the catastrophic potential of your acting on your feelings, and you will know so much more and be ready to act — one way or the other — after you have talked this through with a professional.
Annie Lane, a graduate of New York Law School and New York University, writes this column for Creators Syndicate. Email questions to dearannie@creators.com.
First international business trip raises culture questions
Dear Abby:
I’m worried for my son. He’s going on his first business trip in January — to Japan. He doesn’t drink alcohol. (He’s not an alcoholic; it’s his personal choice.) His bosses, who do business there frequently, are now telling him that the Japanese will not do business with you unless you drink with them first. Can you find out if this is true? And if it is, what can, or should, my son do?
— Worried Mom
Dear Worried: Although alcohol can be a part of an important bonding ritual across East Asia, your son may be able to forge successful business relationships in other ways. According to Erin Meyer, a professor at the international graduate business school INSEAD and author of “The Culture Map: Breaking Through the Invisible Boundaries of Global Business”: “If you don’t drink, you can certainly find other ways to partake in the fun; in Japan, a round of karaoke or a trip to the spa can do wonders.” Because your son is involved in international business, he may find professor Meyer’s book, which was published in 2014, will give him valuable insight.
Dear Abby: I have some concerns about my marriage. My husband is a retired U.S. veteran. He was married before we got together, and his former spouse receives his survivor benefits. This was something that was decided during their divorce. I am not entitled to anything.
I have been a loving wife and have taken care of him for the 14 years we have been married. He has one daughter who is 40-plus years old. I just found out that I am not his beneficiary on anything — she is! This has me very worried. Please let me know what I need to do about this situation.
— Loving Wife in
Dear Loving Wife: What you need to do is discuss this with your husband to see if he will modify his will, which may have been drafted before he married you. Then the two of you should talk to an attorney, preferably one who specializes in wills and trusts. If your husband is not willing to make an adjustment, then consult an attorney on your own because, as it stands, your husband’s estate plan is not fair to you.
Dear Abby: I have a large family. As the grandchildren are now adults with significant others, it’s getting beyond my financial means to buy a Christmas gift for everyone — something I have always done. I now have a brand-new great-grandchild. What do other grandparents do at holidays about gifts?
— At My Limit in
Dear Limit: Some grandparents set an age limit after which gifts cease. Some families have a “pool” from which names are drawn so each family member buys only one gift per family. And other grandparents tell their children and adult grandchildren the truth — explaining that because they can no longer afford to buy gifts, from now on they’ll be exchanging Christmas card greetings only.
