Relationships Talk

From the outside looking in, Barack and Michelle Obama appear to have a killer relationship. They seem to revel in each other’s company, challenge each other in healthy ways, and create protected space for their family—no small feat when their home for eight years was the White House. There’s romance, and substance. Dreamy.

But in her memoir Becoming, Michelle Obama lets on that it wasn’t always smooth sailing. After the couple had young kids, and she was a high-powered lawyer, Michelle often found herself on the hook for dinner, bath time, books, and bedtime. Barack, she notes, had an “optimistic” sense of time: He would often call to say he was on his way home, then wouldn’t turn up for awhile. In an interview with Michelle in Elle this week, Oprah said she could hear the former first lady’s anger through the page. Michelle responded:

I was mad. When you get married and have kids, your whole plan, once again, gets upended. Especially if you get married to somebody who has a career that swallows up everything, which is what politics is. Barack Obama taught me how to swerve. But his swerving sort of—you know, I’m flailing in the wind. And now I’ve got two kids, and I’m trying to hold everything down while he’s traveling back and forth from Washington or Springfield.

What she learned—what most of us learn—is that that thing that attracts you to your partner often becomes the thing that drives you bananas. She’s the box-checker and he’s the “swerver,” which was awesome when they were complementing each other. But after having kids, Michelle kept checking boxes, while Barack was still swerving. She believed in what he was doing—fixing inequality, making communities stronger, politicking—but day-to-day conflicts stewed.

So they went to therapy. Michelle thought a counselor would help Barack see the shortcomings of his ways (most of us start this way: a referee! And I will win! ) “You go because you think the counselor is going to help you make your case against the other person. ‘Would you tell him about himself?!’ ” Michelle told Oprah.

Instead, she discovered that she needed to figure out how to make herself happy, and to be clear about the support she wanted from Barack. “I needed to figure out how to build my life in a way that works for me,” she told Oprah.

Many of us go into marriage with some Jerry Maguire-inspired preconceptions: He/she will complete me. We will share everything. We will divide all chores and kid stuff, 50/50, start to finish.

Then reality gets in the way. You realize that you’re heading into a lifetime of learning how to live with another person, a person who has way different needs than your own, whose history is woven into their fabric of what the future will be in ways they don’t even know yet. Barack needed to swerve, while Michelle’s very nuclear upbringing meant being home for dinner together was important to her. As one person put it in a review (paywall) of my own book about marriage:

When I was single, I was regularly baffled by the behaviour of my married friends, male and female. Every time I witnessed one of those “I told you we needed milk” conversations, I thought: “Blimey, just nip out and get some, it’s not the end of the world.” Marriage, from the smug slopes of singlehood, looks like a doddle that’s being messed up by stressed-out, small-minded people. Right up to the point that I got married four years ago, I assumed my marriage would be different — all love and easy sharing.

This is where therapy becomes helpful: to try and identify what you need, what love language you speak, and what your partner speaks (if you don’t know about Gary Chapman’s love languages, you need to). You figure out whether you can offer what your other is asking for, and whether they can give you what you need in return. It requires vulnerability, honesty, and ultimately, a huge amount of compromise. Some make it, some don’t.

The Obamas did, and we got to benefit from a scandal-free eight years (thanks guys!) Shortly before the end of his presidency, Barack wrote an essay in Glamour, apologizing for dumping so much of the parenting on Michelle. “I’ve seen how Michelle has balanced the demands of a busy career and raising a family,” he wrote. “Like many working mothers, she worried about the expectations and judgments of how she should handle the trade-offs, knowing that few people would question my choices.”

The first time I read that, I thought, “he gets it!” But Becoming teaches us that that such inspired thinking was not innate, or even inspired. It likely came from the same place it does for most couples: hard damn work. Counseling included.

Zuena Kirema, baker and events planner
“In 2009, I briefly walked out of my marriage, promising never to return to my marital home. At that time, I was also dealing with issues in my marriage just like most couples. My mother reached out to me and advised that I go back to my husband. She encouraged me to be strong and go back home to raise the children with their own father. That children need both parents and I should not deny them that opportunity because of my issues. And it is what I did. I went back home and resolved issues with my husband. Overall, the whole experience taught me that marriage is not a bed of roses and that I should always first consider the needs of my children.”

Aisha Nabukeera, social worker
“When I contested for Miss Uganda in 2015, I received a lot of backlash. People said a lot of horrible things about me. They were angry at my audacity in contesting for such a prestigious pageant, yet, I had body scars (which she sustained during her childhood after being burnt with petrol by her stepmother). People judged me, a lot. It was one day, while at boot camp for the pageant, when Uncle Frank Gashumba called me on the phone saying I should not let people’s words get to me and also, the scars should not define my future. His words strengthened me. And today, whenever people criticise my scars, I fall back to my uncle’s words of wisdom.”

Brenda Nanyonjo, ceo, Miss Uganda foundation
“I faced a lot of difficulty in 2011 as I was looking for sponsors for the Miss Uganda franchise. Most companies I visited turned me down. They were not willing to sponsor the event. Just as my hope was waning, I decided to visit Daniel Ogong who was then working as the marketing director at Nile Breweries Limited. I was humbled when he told me that the company would sponsor the franchise because he believed in my work. Also, he commended me for the passion I had for running the franchise. I realised that having a good reputation is more valuable than money. It is bankable; you can achieve a lot of things once people believe in who you are.”

Kahill Kuteesa, founder of Kahill Insights, a content and influencer marketing agency
“The most profound advice has been from my mother, Monica Kasozi who told me that no matter what happens, God will always love me. She gave me this piece of advice at a time I was doubting myself, feeling and thinking I was a failure. Everything seemed to work against me and I thought God had abandoned me as I had once done the same to Him. It was a lonely place walking around with no purpose or direction in life. With this piece of advice, I have learnt not to worry much about things, because, if God loves me, He will make sure I am secure and safe, provided for and protected. He will lead me where His love can be felt.”

Betty Aol Ochan, Gulu woman Member of Parliament and Leader of Opposition in parliament
“Politics is tangled with a lot of intrigue and criticism. Before my husband passed away in 2017, I remember him telling me to learn how to ignore negative condemnation and instead embrace the positive criticism. For example, if they were telling me to improve certain areas, then, I had to work at mending those aspects. Also, Winnie Byanyima (the executive director of Oxfam International) once told me and a group of other women who were attending a conference that had been organised by Forum for Women in Democracy, that we are human beings who are prone to making mistakes. When we make them, we should not blame ourselves or throw some pity party but rather, learn from them and desist from repeating the same mistake.”

Brenda Vivian Namirimo, university graduate
“I studied a Bachelor’s degree in Micro-finance from Kyambogo University from 2014 to 2017. During my first year at the university, I got an opportunity to work at a photo-studio as a photographer. I was doing this as a part-time job to earn some money for upkeep at university. Overtime, I developed passion for photography and became accustomed to taking pictures from time to time. My elder brother noticed how I was falling in love with photography and advised that if I was really serious about it, I should then pursue it as a career. I was happy when he mentioned this because I did not enjoy studying Micro-finance. I only decided to pursue the course to attain a qualification after the university signed me up for it. I followed my heart and today, I am investing more time into photography. I am happy my brother talked to me about pursuing my passion. If it was not for him, I would be probably pursuing a career I am not passionate about.”

Stella Nantumbwe, also known as Ella, Miss Uganda 2013/14
“My mother once told me to learn to let things go in life including friends who were not adding any value to my life or opportunities that were not going to make a meaningful impact in my life. On another occasion, she told me to learn to let go, and, let God lead. It is what guides me when making certain important decisions in my life..”

Eleanor Nabwiso, actress
“When I was growing up, my mother would often tell me that if you are good, make your good better, and never let it rest until your better becomes best. This was another way of her always encouraging me to work hard and when I succeeded, to not let pride takeover, but rather, stay humble. Today, she is always reminding me to remain humble despite my success in the film industry. For instance, when I win an award, she will call and congratulate me and at the same time, remind me to stay humble and not let the fame get to my head.”

Grace Amme, public relations officer
“My mother, a devoted Christian, has always emphasised the need for me to treat others the same way I want them to treat me. I am a loving, kind and generous person because of the empathy my mother cultivated in me. It is actually a nice way to live.”

Phiona Mirembe, lawyer
“There was a time I was going through a difficult time. Everything around me was falling apart from my personal life to career. During this time, I remember going home to see my parents and my father noticed there was something very wrong with me. He told me, “Phiona, everything is going to be okay.” He said those words with gravity and conviction. Today, whenever I am going through a hard time, I lean back on his words. I keep motivating myself that I can overcome anything in life. Also, in 2017, I had another setback when my law firm collapsed and I was left with no option rather than close it. My mother realised how negatively the closure affected me and advised that I read Isaiah 60 where part of the chapter mentions of arise and shine, for the light is come. She told me to keep referring back to this chapter as it was just a matter of time before I got back on my feet again.”

Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Koldunov/iStock/Getty Images Plus and Cayton Heath on Unsplash.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Email careandfeeding@slate.com or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I thought I was past the age where I would need to be asking a parenting columnist questions (my kids are grown, mostly successfully!), but here I am. My daughter is getting married to a nice enough guy whose parents are from a conservative, old-fashioned background. That hadn’t been an issue before now, but wedding planning has become extremely contentious.

We’re doing … OK? … financially. Our home isn’t paid off, but we don’t have a lot of debt and are trying to think ahead to retirement, not that “retirement” is in the cards for most people anymore. This is all well and good, but her fiancé’s family has made it clear that they expect us to pay for the kids’ entire wedding, which they have very particular plans for. Her fiancé is their youngest, and they’ve apparently paid for their two daughters’ weddings in recent years and think it’s their turn now.

We don’t mind contributing something, but we certainly can’t throw a big white wedding for 250 guests on our own dime without going heavily into debt for it. I am having a tough time communicating this before plans get completely out of hand. Help!

—Father of the Bride

Dear FotB,

You can give one extremely priceless gift to the engaged couple right away: complete transparency. Sit down with them, minus his parents, and say that you’ve crunched the numbers and you can commit to contributing X amount to the wedding. You want to make sure, you can say, that they have that information before they start putting deposits down. I recommend literally having a check made out for that amount, to avoid getting drawn into haggling.

It is immaterial to me (and you) if the groom’s parents have already paid for a thousand weddings for a thousand daughters. That’s their business, just as your money is your business. Ideally, the engaged couple will have the decency to thank you and take the check and downgrade their plans accordingly. If you wish to first talk to your daughter about this before looping in her fiancé, that’s fine too.

What you must avoid is getting into an argument about this with the groom’s parents. You can remain pleasant and smiling and firm and committed to contributing the number previously stated. If his parents are determined to throw the wedding of the season, God bless. You’ve done nothing wrong, and it’s not 1952. The vast majority of wedding costs are now shouldered by the bride and groom with contributions from both sets of parents. Allow no guilt trips on this point!

Congratulations!

Dear Care and Feeding,

My cousin Sheryl has been using Facebook pretty much exclusively to sell her nonsense pyramid scheme garbage to friends and family, which I barely notice anymore because I have her notifications hidden. Unfortunately, my extremely sweet 14-year-old daughter does not have her hidden on Facebook and has become her latest mark. Sheryl is trying to lure my daughter into her “downline” in hopes of selling her crap to classmates. How should I handle this?

—Enough Already

Dear EA,

Oh, I would shut this down with extreme prejudice. Cousin Sheryl gets exactly one warning: “I’m not comfortable with you trying to go into business with my daughter. Please do not contact her about [insert pyramid scheme here] again.”

Honestly, I hope Sheryl tries to put a toe over the line so you can open up a rain of fire on her.

You can explain to your daughter that it’s against the rules (I hope to hell it is!) of whatever multilevel marketing nonsense Sheryl is hawking to try to enter into contracts with minors, and that if she hears about this from Sheryl again, she should let you know immediately.

Honestly, I hope Sheryl tries to put a toe over the line so you can open up a rain of fire on her, but I’m feeling punchy today.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My daughter wants to start shaving her legs, and I don’t know how I feel about it. She’s 13, and right now it’s just this downy golden fuzz. I know it’s a myth that shaving will make her hair grow in thicker and darker, but she just seems so young to be embarking down this path. Am I being unreasonable in wanting her to wait? Her cousins are a little younger than her and started shaving over the summer (that’s a whole other kettle of fish), and now she’s really pushing for it.

—Sunrise Sunset

Dear Sunrise,

You should let her start shaving her legs if she wants to. The advantages of signing off on this are twofold: You can go to the drugstore with her and walk her through the process, and you’re signaling that you want to meet her where she is. Both are extremely valuable, especially as you enter what is likely to be the most contentious few years of your relationship with each other. Opportunities to meet her halfway might soon be few and far between.

You don’t need to think that shaving your legs is an important part of being a woman to respect the fact that your daughter is trying to signal to you and the world that she’s growing up. She is growing up, and this is (ideally) one of the least painful signifiers of the process.

Also, if you don’t consent and get her the right supplies, she’s going to ruin your razor blades with chunks of flesh, so.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My youngest son, 10, has always been my softest child, emotionally, and he’s gotten obsessed with the wall-to-wall coverage of the California fires. He’s not sleeping well and he’s asking a lot of questions and it’s really getting into his head. What are some strategies for helping him manage this?

—Where Is Smokey the Bear When You Need Him?

Dear Smokey,

Oh, the poor little guy. I don’t blame him in the least. Our first instinct as parents is so often to turn off the TV and distract our children away from disturbing news, but once the boogeyman has taken root, that can sometimes result in making them catastrophize in silence.

Let’s tackle this head-on. Talk to him about how you plan to keep him safe, whether that’s pointing out the natural topography that makes forest fires rare in your region, checking your smoke detectors together, identifying the designated place to meet up near your home if you got separated or the number to call if we spot a fire.

If, like my kids, he’s extremely concerned about the people and animals who are currently at risk or without homes, what a great opportunity to show him how we can be of service to others: organizing a bake sale or donating his allowance to relief efforts, etc.

Fear is so often about feeling helpless. I think if you can tackle that emotion directly by giving him information and spurring him to action, it will really help him get through this time.

—Nicole