Relationships Talk

From their many adorable Instagram tributes to each other to rocking out together at Jay-Z concerts, Barack and Michelle Obama’s marriage seems to be the stuff of fairy tales. But even America’s favorite #couplesgoals couple has had their fair share of relationship struggles.

In a new interview for the December issue of Elle, the former First Lady admitted to Oprah that their marriage of 26 years has not always been as easy as they make it look. “When you get married and have kids, your whole plan, once again, gets upended. Especially if you get married to somebody who has a career that swallows up everything, which is what politics is,” Obama said, noting that being married to Barack taught her how to “swerve.” “But his swerving sort of—you know, I’m flailing in the wind,” she added.

She went on to explain that both she and her husband had a lot on their plates—he was traveling between Washington and Springfield while she was trying to hold things down at home—so they decided to go to counseling to work on their relationship.

“Well, you go because you think the counselor is going to help you make your case against the other person. ‘Would you tell him about himself?!’ And lo and behold, counseling wasn’t that at all,” she says. “It was about me exploring my sense of happiness. What clicked in me was that I need support and I need some from him. But I needed to figure out how to build my life in a way that works for me.”

For Obama, counseling also helped her learn to communicate and understand love in a different way, she explained: “I feel vulnerable all the time. And I had to learn how to express that to my husband, to tap into those parts of me that missed him—and the sadness that came from that—so that he could understand.” She continued, “He didn’t understand distance in the same way. You know, he grew up without his mother in his life for most of his years, and he knew his mother loved him dearly, right? I always thought love was up close. Love is the dinner table, love is consistency, it is presence. So I had to share my vulnerability and also learn to love differently. It was an important part of my journey of becoming. Understanding how to become us.”

In an interview with Good Morning America on November 9, Obama also elaborated on why she’s chosen to speak publicly about her and her husband’s decision to go to counseling. “I know too many young couples who struggle, and think somehow there’s something wrong with them,” Obama told host Robin Roberts. “I want them to know that Michelle and Barack Obama—who have a phenomenal marriage and who love each other—we work on our marriage and we get help with our marriage when we need it.”

She noted that while it may often feel like marriage is “supposed to be easy,” counseling can be a good opportunity to learn.

“What I learned about myself was that my happiness was up to me and I started working out more, I started asking for help, not just from him but from other people,” she said. “I stopped feeling guilty.”

https://twitter.com/GMA/status/1060875880363307009

See more: Michelle Obama Helped a Chicago Couple Say Their “I Do’s”

Obama, who is currently promoting her upcoming memoir, Becoming, also shared to GMA how she had a miscarriage 20 years ago, and how she hopes telling story will help destigmatize fertility issues.

“I felt lost and alone, and I felt like I failed,” she said. “Because I didn’t know how common miscarriages were, because we don’t talk about them. We sit in our own pain, thinking that somehow we’re broken.”

Becoming hits shelves on Tuesday and will no doubt be filled with even more marriage advice from the house of Obama.

Michelle Obama is opening up about her relationship with her husband, Barack Obama.

The 54-year-old former first lady speaks to Oprah Winfrey for a primetime special on OWN —  which is set to air Nov. 15 at 8 p.m. ET/PT — ahead of the release of her book, Becoming, on Nov. 13. Excerpts of the conversation, which will also be released in Winfrey’s podcast on Nov. 15 and Nov. 19, debut in Elle‘s December issue.

In the magazine, Obama tells Winfrey that she’s decided to be open because “I don’t want young people to look at me here and now and think, ‘Well, she never had it rough. She never had challenges, she never had fears.'”

Throughout her book, Obama details her meticulous life plan: good grades, good school and a high paying job. After a while, Obama “hated” her job as a lawyer in Chicago, Illinois, but decided to stick it out on the advice of her mom. That decision to stay led her to meet her now-husband, someone who definitely didn’t fit into her plan.

“I met this guy Barack Obama. He was the opposite of a box checker. He was swerving all over the place,” she tells Winfrey, 64. “Barack Obama taught me how to swerve. But his swerving sort of, you know, I’m flailing in the wind.”

The pair fell in love, got married and eventually had two children — Malia, 20, and Sasha, 17 — through in-vitro fertilization. Though their love never waned, her husband’s rising political career led to disagreements, largely about quality time together.  

“There was work we had to do as a couple. Counseling we had to do to work through this stuff,” she says. “… You go because you think the counselor is going to help you make your case against the other person. ‘Would you tell him about himself?!’ And lo and behold, counseling wasn’t that at all. It was about me exploring my sense of happiness. What clicked in me was that I need support and I need some from him. But I needed to figure out how to build my life in a way that works for me.”

As a result of counseling, Obama came to terms with her “vulnerability” and learned “to love differently,” something she calls “an important part of my journey of becoming. Understanding how to become us.”

Eventually, her husband’s political career had risen enough to make running for president a real possibility. While she knew that “Barack was a decent man” and “smart as all get-out,” she was initially hesitant about the campaign.

“Politics was ugly and nasty. I didn’t know that my husband’s temperament would mesh with that. And I didn’t want to see him in that environment,” she reveals. “But then on the flip side, you see the challenges that the world is facing. The longer you live and read the paper, you know that the problems are big and complicated. I thought, Well, what person do I know who has the gifts that this man has? The gifts of decency, first and foremost, of empathy second, of high intellectual ability. This man reads and remembers everything, you know? Is articulate. Had worked in the community. And really passionately feels like ‘This is my responsibility.'” 

“How do you say no to that? So I had to take off my wife hat and put on my citizen hat,” she says.

After winning the election, Obama did her best to maintain normalcy in their house and in their family.

“That was one of the things I brought into the White House — that strict code of, ‘You gotta catch up with us, dude.’ This is when we’re having dinner. Yes, you’re president, but you can bring your butt from the Oval Office and sit down and talk to your children,” Obama says. “Because children bring solace. They let you turn your sights off the issues of the day… And hearing about what happened with what school friend. Immersing yourself in the reality and the beauty of your children and your family.”

What followed was eight years in the White House, something that Obama only began to come to terms with after moving into their first post-presidential home. During the initial weeks after President Donald Trump’s inauguration, Obama found herself for the first time in nearly a decade, and celebrated by doing something totally mundane — making toast.

“So here I am in my new home, just me and [my dogs] Bo and Sunny, and I do a simple thing. I go downstairs and open the cabinet in my own kitchen — which you don’t do in the White House because there’s always somebody there going, ‘Let me get that. What do you want? What do you need?’ — and I made myself toast. Cheese toast,” she recalls. “Then I took my toast and I walked out into my backyard. I sat on the stoop, and there were dogs barking in the distance, and I realized Bo and Sunny had really never heard neighbor dogs. They’re like, What’s that? And I’m like, ‘Yep, we’re in the real world now, fellas.'”

She continues, “It’s that quiet moment of me settling into this new life. Having time to think about what had just happened over the last eight years. Because what I came to realize is that there was absolutely no time to reflect in the White House… We were busy. I would forget on Tuesday what had happened on Monday. I forgot whole countries I visited, literally whole countries… So the toast was the moment that I had time to start thinking about those eight years and my journey of becoming.”

Watch the video below for more with Obama:

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BECOMING a bride is perhaps the dream of most women. Some women even select their wedding dress years before they actually walk down the aisle, but the big mistake that so many new brides make is that they fail to see beyond the wedding. When the reality of what marriage is about kicks in, many are already considering divorce. That is why it is so important for a woman to be able to see beyond the wedding celebration, know what is expected of her as a wife, and be ready to take on the role.

Before you say ‘I do’ you should:

Travel

If you can afford to, travel a bit, see the world, meet as many people as you can and experience different cultures. See what life is like outside the environment you grew up in. This kind of exposure will help you to have a better idea of how people live, and the options available to you rather than limit your choices to only the men you are exposed to in your everyday surroundings.

Empower yourself

Traditionally men are expected to provide for their families but in many cases, women are the main providers in their households. One of the main reasons for this shift is that more women are pursuing higher education and thereby putting themselves in a better position to be financially independent. Ladies, it is very important that regardless of what your husband to be has, you can manage to take care of yourself financially. This will reduce the need for you to marry merely for financial security. Having money doesn’t equate to happiness. Anything can happen to your spouse and if you are not educated or skilled enough to earn, and there is no attractive life insurance, you could be left in the cold. Be mindful, too, that sometimes stepchildren or that man’s family will fight you tooth and nail for his assets.

Talk to couples who have a good marriage

Experience teaches wisdom. If you plan to get married, start talking to couples who have been together long enough to teach you a thing or two about how they did it. Don’t take marriage advice from bitter people. You can listen to what they have to say but do not allow it to warp your perception of marriage. Find a few couples who are in long-lasting happy marriages and sit at their feet to learn. Read books about marriage and what is expected of a wife so that you can prepare yourself for that life-changing role (note that the Bible is a good guide for couples preparing for marriage). Encourage your husband-to-be to do likewise. It takes two committed people to make a marriage work.

Do premarital counselling early enough

Don’t wait until a few weeks before your wedding to do premarital counselling. Many couples make this mistake. Premarital counselling is a must-do as early as you both make the decision to be in a serious relationship with the intent to marry. Often it is during the premarital counselling sessions that you get a good idea of who your partner really is. A good counsellor will take you through probing questions that strip the mask from that person you intend to marry. The problem with late scheduling of premarital counselling is that often, by the time you go through the sessions and see the hidden flaws and the red flags, you may have already bought your dress and spent a considerable sum in preparation for the wedding. Consequently, you might not want to pull out at that stage, which is a mistake. Material things you can sacrifice, but never sacrifice your sanity, peace of mind, and perhaps even the rest of your life simply because you already spent money preparing for a wedding. Remember, you could divorce someone after two years and still spend the next 20 years of your life trying to break free from them.

Marriage is a serious covenant that should not be taken lightly. It’s far more than the gorgeous wedding gown and diamond rings. If you intend to be a wife one day, start preparing by getting exposure, empowering yourself, seeking advice and as much as possible, getting to know the person you intend to tie the knot with.

Marie Berbick is a communications specialist, motivational speaker, ordained minister and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration (SUPHER). Follow her on Facebook and Instagram @MarieBerbick. E-mail: marieberbick@gmail. com .