Relationships Talk

She says

Belinda Mok

Over the past five years we have been together, friends have often asked me what it’s like being in a relationship with a competitive marathon runner, especially when I initially didn’t even enjoy running.

The truth is that I didn’t think much about what I was getting myself into.

That may be why it felt, occasionally, that the relationship required quite some effort to work. But, looking back, it has been such a fulfilling and enjoyable journey as we grew and learnt to support one another.

When we first got together, Mok was training to qualify for the 2016 Olympics. He was so committed and focused that we would have to plan our dates around his training and work. He trained after work every day, so it also meant that we didn’t get to meet much.

This was also a rocky period for our relationship as we had to navigate our different interests and expectations. For example, we hardly shopped together; he wanted to save his legs for training. Saturday-night dates were often early affairs; he had a long run the next morning.

Thankfully, with the experience from previous disagreements and advice from our friends and mentors, we now have something which works for us.

• Her tips to make it work

• BE OPEN TO NEW EXPERIENCES

  I used to be someone who disliked running – I found it too hot and dirty. However, as I accompanied Mok to his training sessions and running clinics, I met so many passionate runners that I decided to join in. As I got better, I also started to enjoy it and finally understood Mok’s passion for running.

  Taking part in running events also gives you a chance to make new friends. Unlike other more specialised sports, anyone can walk, jog or run. Runners come from all walks of life, so you will meet people outside your social circle easily.

  BE FLEXIBLE

  We have had to change our plans countless times because of Mok’s schedule. Sometimes he might be asked to go into work early at the last minute and not have time to run in the morning -we would then have to cancel our dinner plans so that he can run in the evening. As a supporter, I try to be flexible to support him in meeting his training needs.

  RUN TOGETHER (COUPLE TIME)

  Our running standards are vastly different, but we still try to go for a run together fortnightly. We plan it such that he does his easy runs when I’m doing my hard runs. It works for us both as I have Mok who can push me, while he also has me to avoid overdoing his easy runs too quickly.

  BE ENCOURAGING

  Being an athlete is tough; sometimes your loved one may have a bad training session or an injury to deal with. He or she may try to not talk about it but they will definitely be feeling down, so try to empathise and encourage them to continue with their rehabilitation.

  BE POSITIVE

  Instead of grumbling about losing your precious morning sleep because of a run, see it as a healthy lifestyle change that you’re making. For me, I like that we can get so much done before noon. In fact, Mok usually starts and finishes his long runs so early (because it would be too hot otherwise) that we usually end up beating the weekend brunch crowds.

Things would appear to be comparably worse now. Mok is doing his orthopaedic-surgery residency, which is stressful enough as it comes with exams and overnight shifts. Add in daily training and other running commitments, and there is even less “couple time” as his schedule is perpetually packed.

As my way of showing him support, I would watch his training sessions, which led to me deciding to join him on his runs. I also started cycling and rollerblading during his long runs at East Coast Park.

As I got better, I started to enjoy running more and now we actually go for runs together. Also, the more I run, the more I am impressed by what he puts himself through daily.

As a physiotherapist in a restructured hospital, I know how hard it is to drag yourself out of bed to run before/after a busy shift, but Mok still does it anyway. He has the uncanny ability to be determined and very focused on the task at hand, be it running or at the hospital.

While this was initially a point of contention for me, it is now something that I really admire about him, and that makes our relationship even stronger.

He says

Mok Ying Ren

The biggest lesson I have learnt after being married is how selfish our pursuit for excellence can be.

For many years, I was so focused on challenging limits and breaking barriers on the track (and road) that I left everything on the sidelines. It was like a game that could never end.

But I have come to realise that excellence in any field, when achieved at the expense of loved ones, will invariably leave a sense of emptiness in our hearts.

Success in any form will never be able to fill this void.

As I learnt and recognised the sacrifices Belinda had to make, I found myself trying to prioritise her needs in my decision making.

While some might think that this may cause my performance to suffer, on the contrary, this has allowed me to do better, both at work and running.

It’s interesting how things actually work, contrary to what we have been conditioned by society to expect. It’s worthwhile for all to spend some time to ponder on what the purpose of life and marriage is.

Ariana Grande, a Cancer queen, is handling her split from ex-fiancé Pete Davidson better than most people handle being ghosted after two dates. She has returned her ridiculously expensive engagement ring, released a catchy (and respectful!) breakup anthem, and she’s already making playful jokes about the institution of marriage. This week, when the Zoe Report posted an Instagram about picking out “the perfect” ring for your fiancé, the 25-year-old singer couldn’t help but leave a little unsolicited advice for those looking to make the ultimate commitment to their partner. In the Instagram, a woman’s hand is adorned with what appears to be seven rings, most of which are apparently engagement rings. “13 tips & tricks for finding the perfect engagement ring (including the popular metal you should actually avoid),” the caption reads. Grande, who follows the Zoe Report’s Instagram and clearly has a lot of thoughts about engagements, figured she might as well toss in some concise input on how to find your partner’s dream ring: “don’t.”

In all fairness, Grande never said she “hated being engaged.” As she sings in her breakup anthem, she’s even “thankful” for Davidson. But right now, she doesn’t even want to think about marriage — she’s into doing her own thing. Engagements? Thank u, next.

Advice: I’m glad you asked. Give her the ring. It will be cheaper in the long run. Trust me on that.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend and I love each other very much and have been living together with our children for five years. We intend to get married soon. Here is the rub: She’s “old school.” She believes she should receive a diamond ring as part of the marriage proposal.

I would marry her tomorrow, but I don’t believe in spending thousands of dollars on a piece of carbon. I understand that somehow she equates her value/social status with the size of her wedding ring (“I deserve a nice ring”), but I don’t agree. I think the expense is unwarranted and, quite frankly, as the person paying for most of it, unfair.

She has offered to chip in and even buy one from a used wedding site, but I’d rather spend that money on something we could both enjoy or at least on something more practical that she can enjoy. I can find the money to buy the ring, but in my heart, I don’t see the value or buy into the fantasy the diamond industry has put into some women’s heads.

What do I do? Cave in and give her what she wants because I love her? Or push for a compromise, which will definitely be an uphill battle and potentially spoil what is supposed to be a special thing in our lives? — HUNG UP ON THE RING IN RENO

DEAR HUNG UP: I’m glad you asked. Give her the ring. It will be cheaper in the long run. Trust me on that. And in the future, when she asks what you would like for a gift, tell her your fantasy is that she’ll make a comparable down payment on your next car. That way, she can make your dream come true.

DEAR ABBY: My father and his wife are retired and live across the country from us. Dad is hard of hearing and doesn’t like to use the phone, even with hearing aids. He also won’t text, so we mostly communicate by email.

The challenge is that he and his wife share an email account. She reads every message I send to Dad and often replies without telling him, so I’m never sure if he receives them or not. Also, if we’re discussing something sensitive — like finances or issues with my siblings — she’ll weigh in when it’s not really her business. In one case, she posted parts of our discussion on her social media!

I have talked to Dad about this. He says married couples don’t have secrets. I suspect he may not want his wife to be able to communicate privately with other people (she’s much younger than he is) and prefers the shared email for this reason. Is it unreasonable for me to want a direct line of communication with my father, or must I save up private conversations for the one time a year we are able to visit in person? — DISTRESSED DAUGHTER IN IDAHO

DEAR DAUGHTER: I’m sorry I can’t wave a magic wand and change your father. What’s going on should not be blamed on his wife. Because he has made plain to you that he sees no reason for privacy and wants her to be privy to your conversations, saving up those private chats until they are “in person” is exactly what you are going to have to do.

DEAR VETERANS: I salute your service to our country. My thanks to each of you, as well as to the brave men and women still on active duty, some of whom are in harm’s way. You personify patriotism and self-sacrifice with your dedication. I also would like to acknowledge your families for the sacrifices they, too, have made and continue to make every day. — Love, ABBY

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.