Category Archives: marriage advice
Amy Dickinson: Man wonders about disclosing affair
Dear Amy: I am a father with three kids, living in a very “gossipy” town.
My family life seemed to be ideal, but then I learned that my wife was having an affair for the last two years of our 16-year marriage. I was completely blindsided.
A few years have passed. I am now in a great place. The truth freed me, and I am grateful.
A year ago, I was out to dinner with a colleague. “Bradley,” a guy I know through our mutual professions, walked in with a woman who was not his wife. Because Brad and his wife and kids recently moved away, I assumed he was with a family member or colleague while he was visiting.
They were doing shots, and the body language became intimate, and very inappropriate for a married man out with a woman who is not his wife.
I left that night and never told anyone about it.
Recently, however, I overheard from several other people that they, too, have witnessed Brad and this other woman; it seems that the couple is fairly open about this relationship.
I do not know Brad’s wife, but I feel compelled to do something.
If she knows about this and wants to stay in the marriage, or wants to divorce, that’s her choice. I just don’t think she should be the last to know; like I was. I believe that knowledge is power, and she is in the dark.
Should I tell the wife? Should I confront Brad and give him a chance to come clean with her? — Cheated Upon
Dear Cheated: If you believe these various reports amount to confirmation, and if your experience tells you that informing the wife is the most ethical choice, then you should find a way to tell her.
This is most tricky when the person in the know is a friend of one of the affected parties. You are not. You don’t seem to have a stake in the outcome. So yes, I agree that you should inform her.
Over the years of writing this column, I have heard from many people who, like you, were in marriages with unfaithful partners. All reported that in retrospect, they wished someone with awareness of the affair had told them, and that being the last to know was a stinging humiliation.
Dear Amy: I am a female college freshman this year. During high school I discovered I am bisexual, but I’ve never had any relationships.
This fall I started hooking up with a girl who lives in the dorm next door.
It started out as platonic — just two friends having fun — but now I am starting to feel more for her.
I’ve talked to her about it and she said she wasn’t sure how she felt about me, and that she has always had trouble identifying how she feels about people. I told her I wouldn’t press her and we both agreed we are still content with our physical relationship.
How do I navigate this? I know I would like to go out with her, but I don’t know if this is even possible.
I don’t want to get hurt. Is it better to just cut things off completely now, or should I keep having fun? — Queer and Confused
Dear Queer and Confused: You are having a fairly typical experience for someone at your age and stage. And I’m here to tell you — it will hurt. A relationship out of balance always hurts.
You’ve been honest, and you are accepting the limitations your neighbor has placed on the relationship. I can’t tell you definitively to stop seeing her, but I will tell you this: Your experience with her has already peaked. Your continued involvement will require that you compartmentalize your feelings. And then you’ll arrive at this question: Do I want to be with someone who doesn’t know how she feels about people?
And you will realize that you deserve better.
Dear Amy: “Call Me Mom” was upset that her 40-year-old son had started teasing her by calling her by her first name, even after she had asked him to stop.
I agree with you that this is mean. I have had success, albeit with co-workers, to remedy name games by calling the offenders by names other than their own.
Maybe Mom needs to start calling her son “Baby.” — Don’t Call Me Lester
Dear Not Lester: I could think of a few choice names for this particular meanie.
Rick Hall, Jan. 2
Rick Hall, an Alabama record producer who recorded some of the biggest musical acts of the 1960s and ’70s and helped develop the fabled “Muscle Shoals sound,” died Tuesday, Jan. 2, 2018, following a fight with cancer, his longtime friend Judy Hood said. He was 85.
Jerry Van Dyke, Jan. 5
Jerry Van Dyke, the younger brother of Dick Van Dyke who struggled for decades to achieve his own stardom before clicking as the dim-witted sidekick in television’s “Coach,” died Friday, Jan. 5, 2018, in Arkansas, according to his manager. His wife, Shirley Ann Jones, was by his side. He was 86.
Cyrille Regis, Jan. 14
Cyrille Regis, a pioneer for black soccer players in England who endured racist abuse while forging a career with West Bromwich Albion and defied threats of violence to represent England’s national team, died Sunday, Jan. 14, 2018. He was 59.
Dan Gurney, Jan. 14
Dan Gurney, the first driver with victories in each of the Formula One, IndyCar and NASCAR Cup series, died Sunday, Jan. 14, 2018, from complications of pneumonia. He was 86.
Dolores O’Riordan, Jan. 15
Dolores O’Riordan, lead singer of Irish band The Cranberries, died Monday, Jan. 15, 2018. She was 46. Formed in Limerick, Ireland at the end of the 1980s, The Cranberries became international stars in the 90s with hits including “Zombie” and “Linger” that fused the alternative rock edge with Celtic-infused pop tunefulness.
Dorothy Malone, Jan. 19
Dorothy Malone, who won hearts of 1960s television viewers as the long-suffering mother in the nighttime soap “Peyton Place,” died Friday, Jan. 19, 2018, from natural causes in her hometown of Dallas. She was 93.
She’s shown here with Anthony Quinn posing at the Academy Awards in Hollywood, Calif., March 27, 1957.
Olivia Cole, Jan. 19
Olivia Cole, who won an Emmy Award for her portrayal of Matilda, wife to Chicken George in the landmark miniseries “Roots,” died of a heart attack Friday, Jan. 19, 2018, at her home in San Miguel de Allende, a city in central Mexico. She was 75.
Mark Salling, Jan. 30
Actor Mark Salling, one of the stars of the Fox musical comedy “Glee,” died, Tuesday Jan. 30, 2018. He was 35. Salling’s lawyer, Michael J. Proctor did not release the cause of death. Salling pleaded guilty in December to possession of child pornography.
Dennis Edwards, Feb. 1
Dennis Edwards, a Grammy-winning former member of the famed Motown group The Temptations, died Thursday, Feb. 1, 2018 in Chicago after a long illness. He was 74.
In photos from left are; Otis Williams, Melvin Franklin and Glenn Beonard. Back row from left, Richard Street and Dennis Edwards.
John Mahoney, Feb. 4
John Mahoney, who as the cranky, blue-collar dad in “Frasier” played counterpoint to pompous sons Frasier and Niles, died Sunday, Feb. 4, 2018, in Chicago after a brief hospitalization. He was 77.
John Gavin, Feb. 9
John Gavin, the tall, strikingly handsome actor who appeared in “Spartacus,” “Psycho” and other hit films of the 1960s before forsaking acting to become President Ronald Reagan’s ambassador to Mexico, died Friday, Feb. 9, 2018, at age 86.
Reg E. Cathey, Feb. 9
Emmy-winning actor Reg E. Cathey, best known for “House of Cards” and “The Wire,” died Friday, Feb. 9, 2018. He was 59.
Vic Damone, Feb. 11
Vic Damone, whose mellow baritone once earned praise from Frank Sinatra as “the best pipes in the business,” died Sunday, Feb. 11, 2018, at a Miami Beach hospital from complications of a respiratory illness. He was 89.
Daryle Singletary, Feb. 12
Country singer Daryle Singletary, who sang songs like “I Let Her Lie” and “Too Much Fun,” died Monday, Feb. 12, 2018, at his home in Lebanon, Tenn. He was 46.
Nanette Fabray, Feb. 22
Actress Nanette Fabray, the vivacious, award-winning star of the stage, film and television, died Thursday, Feb. 22, 2018. She was 97.
Sridevi, Feb. 24
Sridevi, Bollywood’s leading lady of the 1980s and ’90s who redefined stardom for actresses in India, died Saturday, Feb. 24, 2018. She was 54.
The actress was described as the first female superstar in India’s male-dominated film industry.
Hubert de Givenchy, March 10
French couturier Hubert de Givenchy, a pioneer of ready-to-wear who designed Audrey Hepburn’s little black dress in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” Saturday, March 10, 2018. He was 91.
Stephen Hawking, March 14
Stephen Hawking, whose brilliant mind ranged across time and space though his body was paralyzed by disease, died at his home in Cambridge, England, Wednesday, March 14, 2018. He was 76.
Chuck McCann, April 9
Actor and comedian Chuck McCann, who recorded the famous line “I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!” died Sunday, April 9, 2018. He was 83.
R. Lee Ermey, April 15
R. Lee Ermey, a former Marine who made a career in Hollywood playing hard-nosed military men like Gunnery Sgt. Hartman in Stanley Kubrick’s “Full Metal Jacket,” died Sunday, April 15, 2018. He was 74.
Harry Anderson, April 16
Harry Anderson, the actor best known for playing an off-the-wall judge working the night shift of a Manhattan court room in the television comedy series “Night Court,” died Monday, April 16, 2018. He was 65.
Avicii, April 20
Avicii, the Grammy-nominated electronic dance DJ who performed sold-out concerts for feverish fans around the world and also had massive success on U.S. pop radio, died Friday, April 20, 2018. He was 28.
Verne Troyer, April 21
Verne Troyer, who played Dr. Evil’s small, silent sidekick “Mini-Me” in the “Austin Powers” movie franchise, died Saturday, April 21, 2018. He was 49.
Margot Kidder, May 13
Margot Kidder, who starred as Lois Lane opposite Christopher Reeve in the “Superman” film franchise of the late 1970s and early 1980s, died Sunday, May 13, 2018. She was 69.
Robert Indiana, May 19
Pop artist Robert Indiana, best known for his 1960s “LOVE” series, died Saturday, May 19, 2018, at his island home off the coast of Maine. He was 89.
The artist’s “LOVE” sculpture, in which the “L” and a leaning “O” sit atop the “V” and the “E,” is instantly recognizable worldwide. But he has created other works as well, and fashioned a “HOPE” design, similar to “LOVE,” in honor of former President Barack Obama.
Kate Spade, June 5
Kate Spade, a fashion designer known for her sleek handbags, was found hanged in her Park Avenue apartment Tuesday, June 5, 2018, in an apparent suicide, law enforcement officials said.
Anthony Bourdain, June 8
Anthony Bourdain, the celebrity chef and citizen of the world who inspired millions to share his delight in food and the bonds it created, was found dead in his hotel room Friday, June 8, 2018, in France while working on his CNN series on culinary traditions. He was 61.
Charles Krauthammer, June 21
Charles Krauthammer, the Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist and pundit who helped shape and occasionally dissented from the conservative movement as he evolved from “Great Society” Democrat to Iraq War cheerleader to denouncer of Donald Trump, died Thursday, June 21, 2018. He was 68.
Richard Benjamin Harrison, June 25
“Pawn Stars” patriarch, Richard Benjamin Harrison, who was known as “The Old Man,” died Monday, June 25, 2018, at age 77. Gold & Silver Pawn’s Facebook page posted Monday that Harrison was surrounded by “loving family” this past weekend and died peacefully.
Joe Jackson, June 27
Joseph Jackson, the fearsome stage dad of Michael Jackson, Janet Jackson and their talented siblings, who took his family from poverty and launched a musical dynasty, died Wednesday, June 27, 2018. He was 89.
Harlan Ellison, June 27
Harlan Ellison, the prolific, pugnacious author of “A Boy and His Dog,” and countless other stories that blasted society with their nightmarish, sometimes darkly humorous scenarios died Wednesday, June 27, 2018. He was 84.
Tab Hunter, July 8
Tab Hunter, the blond actor and singer who was a heartthrob for millions of teenage girls in the 1950s with such films as “Battle Cry” and “Damn Yankees!” and received new attention decades later when he revealed that he was gay, died Sunday, July 8, 2018. He was 86.
Charlotte Rae, Aug. 5
Charlotte Rae, who played a wise and patient housemother to a brood of teenage girls on the long-running sitcom “The Facts of Life” during a career that encompassed many other TV roles as well as stage and film appearances, died Sunday, Aug. 5, 2018. She was 92.
Aretha Franklin, Aug. 16
Aretha Franklin, the undisputed “Queen of Soul” who sang with matchless style on such classics as “Think,” “I Say a Little Prayer” and her signature song, “Respect,” and stood as a cultural icon around the globe, died Thursday, Aug. 16, 2018. She was 76.
Ed King, Aug. 22, 2018
Ed King, a former guitarist for Lynyrd Skynyrd who helped write several of the group’s hits including “Sweet Home Alabama,” died in Nashville, Tennessee, Wednesday, Aug. 22, 2018. He was 68.
Robin Leach, Aug. 24
Robin Leach, whose voice crystallized the opulent 1980s on TV’s “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous,” died Friday, Aug. 24, 2018. He was 76.
Bill Daily, Sept. 4
Bill Daily, the comic sidekick to leading men on the sitcoms “I Dream of Jeannie” and “The Bob Newhart Show,” died Tuesday, Sept. 4, 2018, of natural causes in Albuquerque, New Mexico. He was 91.
Burt Reynolds, Sept. 6
Burt Reynolds, who starred in films including “Deliverance,” “Boogie Nights,” and the “Smokey and the Bandit” films, died Thursday, Sept. 6, 2018. He was 82.
He’s shown in this March 15, 1987 photo with Loni Anderson at a polo match in Boca Raton, Fla.
Mac Miller, Sept. 7
Mac Miller, the platinum hip-hop star whose rhymes vacillated from party raps to lyrics about depression and drug use, and earned kudos from the likes of Jay-Z and Chance the Rapper, died Friday, Sept. 7, 2018. He was 26.
Marty Balin, Sept. 27
Marty Balin, a patron of the 1960s “San Francisco Sound” both as founder and lead singer of the Jefferson Airplane and co-owner of the club where the Airplane and other bands performed, died Thursday, Sept. 27, 2018. He was 76.
Stars We’ve Lost So Far In 2018 – September Edition
Scott Wilson, Oct. 6
Scott Wilson, who played the murderer Richard Hickock in 1967’s “In Cold Blood” and was a series regular on “The Walking Dead,” died Saturday, Oct. 6. He was 76.
James Karen, Oct. 23
James Karen, a prolific and beloved character actor whose hundreds of credits included memorable appearances in “Poltergeist” and “The Return of the Living Dead,” died Tuesday, Oct. 23, 2018. He was 94.
14 tips every soon-to-be married man must know
ALSO READ: Making love after having a baby: How long should you wait?
For more than five years or so, your buddy Nicholas has enjoyed all the freedom that comes with bachelorhood. He always laughed at you when you excused yourself to leave the pub, claiming that you are all a bunch of henpecked men, hell-scared of their wives.
In two weeks’ time, he will marry one of the most beautiful women you have seen, but you cannot vouch for her attitude.
You expressed your scepticism that she will run Nicholas down, but Nicholas said that his Maasai blood will not allow a woman to sit on him. How the mighty fall.
Nicholas is about to discover what American humourist Hellen Rowland said: It takes a woman 20 years to make a man of her son and another woman 20 minutes to make a fool of him.
You don’t even envy him. As the old wise men said, marriage is like a place besieged. Those in want out and those out want in.
Last weekend, you sat as men to bring Nicholas up to speed on what marriage entails. Here are the pieces of advice you collated.
1. Never say anything positive about the house help. Keep every opinion to yourself, unless it is something negative.
ALSO READ: Tales of men who eat the female cassava
2. Never borrow money from your wife. If you borrow, pay it back with interest.
3. Never ask your wife how she spends her money. Never. Ever.
4. Ban cabbage and ndengu from the word go – before they become a staple serving.
5. Always stand your ground – firmly. Let her know the boundaries she can’t cross. If you give women a mile, they will grab the whole world.
6. You will lose all the arguments in your marriage. When your wife is on the wrong, she will gaslight you to a point of losing your sanity. Just know where to draw the line.
7. Act unreasonable sometimes. Scare them a bit. A comfortable wife is a dangerous one. (This in no way advocates for violence).
8. Buy her gifts. Once a year.
ALSO READ: How to celebrate your child’s birthday
9. Women like pushing buttons, all the time. They like provoking the man. They derive pleasure in provoking you. Act cool and annoy her.
10. Don’t be too boring. Modern women like excitement. Find something exciting occasionally. Take her to the village and let her cool with wet pieces of wood. She will love it.
11. Minimise contact with her as much as possible. More contact begets friction. Friction is bad for your soul.
12. Beware of the silent treatment. The many nights you will come home from a night of bingeing, she will give you the scary silent treatment. Don’t succumb to pressure and panic. Enjoy the golden silence.
13. Your worth is your bank balance. Don’t be cheated that she will stay because you lay the pipe well, or some silly idea like romance. After 25, women are all about bills, vacations and everything money can buy.
If you don’t have the money, she will a) despise you, b) cheat on you, c) find a reason or excuse to leave you.
14. Always pay the rent. Armed with that, remember better or worse is a lie. Marriage to women is only for better times.
There will be many bad patches. Don’t quit. Stay and fight, until nothing is left. By then you will be too old. Wish you all the best Nick.
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Husband's ex keeps popping up all over the place
Dear Annie: My husband’s first marriage ended when his son was 6 and his daughter was 3. His children are now 25 and 22 and have their own children.
My husband and I have been together for nine years and married for four years. His ex-wife remarried 12 years ago, but she is not happy in her marriage. We talked about the kids when we needed to when they were under 18, and we still all share in the grandkids’ birthday parties. Otherwise, after the divorce, she didn’t associate with my husband’s family until he and I got married.
She has now friend requested all his family members and friends on Facebook. Every time I make a comment on one of their posts, she jumps on and comments. She kept his last name, so I get to see that, as well, with every comment. Now she has gotten a job within a few miles of my husband’s work. It’s at a bar her sister owns, and she takes shift pictures letting people know she is there and eager to serve them, and those pix go to all my husband’s family and friends every weekend, including my husband.
I can’t warm up to my supportive family with the ex always in the picture. My husband doesn’t see a problem with it, but I feel she is so unhappily married she would love to have my husband back.
I am at a point of giving up. It is one thing having to see her for birthdays; it’s a whole other thing that she pops up everywhere. This woman never comments on the pages of his family members or friends unless I do first. What is going on?! Help!
— Ex-Wife Issues
Dear Ex-Wife Issues: First, try to keep in mind the possibility that she isn’t trying to bother you — that you’re reading too much into her posts and it’s all purely coincidence.
But if she is trying to get your goat, I’ve got great news: You don’t have to give it to her. Rise above it however you can, even if that means tuning it out; you can block her account in your Facebook settings so that you no longer see her posts and get notifications when she comments on the same things as you.
And if your in-laws occasionally catch up with your husband’s ex-wife, so be it. She is the mother of their niece and nephew or their grandchildren and was a part of the family for many years. They can love her without loving you any less.
What’s most important is that you have a strong relationship with your husband, and from the sound of it, all is well in that department.
Dear Annie: I recently moved into a new apartment building. Last week, I woke up in the middle of the night to loud yelling. I am a very heavy sleeper, and nothing ever wakes me up, but this did — and my windows were closed.
What concerns me most is the yelling sounded like domestic abuse, as there were also sounds of shoving. In the moment, I felt terrified and unsure of what to do.
In such situations, is it appropriate to call the police? My building does not have a security person, but I did inform my building manager the next day. He didn’t seem to care. I haven’t heard any neighbors yelling since, but I am worried about the safety of my building and about the potentially dangerous person who lives here.
— Sleep-Deprived and Scared
Dear Sleep-Deprived and Scared: Yes, calling 911 is the appropriate step to take in such situations. It’s always better to be safe than sorry, and you might end up helping someone get out of a very dangerous situation. For more information, visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline website, at www.thehotline.org, or call (800) 799-7233.
Annie Lane, a graduate of New York Law School and New York University, writes this column for Creators Syndicate. Email questions to dearannie@creators.com.
NYC Activists Rally For Marriage Equality in Taiwan
Fighting US-funded anti-gay forces, Stonewall event raises $5,000 for November 24 vote
BY MATT TRACY
Community News Group
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The scene on the ground floor at the Stonewall Inn on Friday night was like that of any gay bar on a typical weekend, but upstairs a packed crowd of more than 100 people gathered to raise awareness and money ahead of a crucial election in Taiwan on November 24 that could determine whether that nation becomes the first in Asia to win marriage equality.
Taiwan’s constitutional court ruled last year that same-sex couples should have the right to marry, and lawmakers were given two years to amend the constitution or else it would become law. Yet, anti-LGBTQ forces, with support from American groups like the National Organization for Marriage, have put these plans in jeopardy by pushing referenda on the ballot that could not only prevent marriage equality but also curtail LGBTQ-informed sex education in schools. LGBTQ activists have responded with a ballot effort of their own in favor of same-sex marriage.
Marriage Equality Coalition Taiwan, along with American groups including Freedom to Marry, the Human Rights Campaign, and others showed up on Friday night determined to push back against that conservative wave.
Freedom to Marry founder Evan Wolfson, a veteran proponent of marriage equality, is sharing advice based on his years of experience in the fight for marriage in the US.
“Everything you do now really will make a difference, whether it’s calling and writing and encouraging your friends back in Taiwan to vote,” he told the crowd. “That makes a difference. Don’t kid yourself. That’s how we won, by having those conversations.”
One of the main hurdles facing LGBTQ activists in Taiwan is an advertising blitz by wealthy conservative groups. Marriage Equality Coalition Taiwan chair Jennifer Lu appeared Friday night via a recorded video and discussed the on-the-ground work her group has been carrying out during the time leading up to the vote. Lu’s team has utilized digital marketing and education to spread the word, but she said they need more money to begin on-air advertising.
Lance Chen-Hayes, a Taiwanese-American activist who said he has been back and forth between Taiwan and the US in an effort to fight for marriage equality, has seen firsthand the negative impact of the anti-gay advertisements.
“They have more than $33 million and they are financing everything,” he explained. “I’ve seen banners hanging from storefronts, I’ve seen banners on buses, I’ve seen people handing out flyers in cities and rural areas. It’s horrible.”
A television advertisement currently airing in Taiwan was shown at the event to underscore the overt fear-based messaging used by conservative groups. The ad featured ominous music and showed parents horrified at the notion of same-sex marriage.
“I want to be very clear that these ads didn’t just come out of nowhere,” said Freedom to Marry’s Cameron Tolle, who also has traveled to Taiwan twice since the summer. “That ad is nearly a carbon copy of the same exact ad that we had to fight against here in the US… Tonight, we’re letting anti-LGBT groups in Taiwan know that we are watching you.”
The crowd at Friday’s event started off with a couple of dozen attendees, but soon it grew to the point where there was no room to walk. Tolle announced that $3,800 of the $5,000 they hoped to raise for Marriage Equality Coalition Taiwan had been raised in the event’s first hour. He returned to the podium shortly after that to reveal that the night’s fundraising goal was met, leading to loud cheers from the crowd.
People from all over Asia and elsewhere around the world flocked to the Stonewall to show their support. Tommy Chong, who is from Hong Kong, said he wanted to attend because of the impact the vote could have on other parts of the region.
“It’s an historical moment for gay rights in Asia,” he said. “Other cities and countries in Asia could follow them as a role model.”
A 27-year-old Taiwanese-American lesbian named Jessica, who opted not to share her last name because she is not out to her family, is worried that progress that has been made in Taiwan could be scaled back. The status quo, she said, is not enough.
“Even though I’m not technically there right now, it’s important to be here tonight,” she said. “I just hope that we can be married like any other couple. I don’t want there be some weird separate but equal thing going on.”
Underscoring one of the main themes of the night — voter turnout — Taiwan native Chin Chia Li said he believes that voicing support for gay rights to family and friends is what can help turn his country into a beacon of hope for LGBTQ people. He said he is out to all of his friends, both gay and straight, and they have all been very supportive of him.
“We have to come out to let everybody know that yes, we are human, we are right here, we have the right to get married,” he said.
The other groups supporting the effort on Friday night included Rainbow Parents of PFLAG NYC, GAPIMNY, OutRight Action International, Human Rights Watch, and Café Philo ＠ NY.
Those who speak Chinese can learn more by visiting Marriage Equality Coalition Taiwan’s website at equallove.tw.
Updated 12:01 pm, November 4, 2018
©2018
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