Category Archives: marriage advice
HEART ADVICE: Which man should I choose?
Q: I have been dating two guys over the past year, and now it’s time for me to choose which one to get serious and settle down with.
One of them is my age – he is a lot of fun, good-looking, great to be around and he makes me really happy. The problem is that he has no goals and direction. He is just happy with the job he has now as an accountant and has no plans to further himself or even start a business.
The other guy is five years older than me, and very driven, although he is boring. He doesn’t make my heart ‘sing’, but he will be a good provider for the children and for me if I settle down with him.
What do I do? Should I follow my heart or my mind? Please help.
READERS’ ADVICE:
Marriage is a life thing. You have to be very sober when making this decision. It’s always good to marry someone who is goal-oriented and someone who also supports your goals. You can’t always only think of fun. In every relationship, communication is the key thing, and in most cases, feelings are two-way traffic. Let the second man know your likes and dislikes and he will be able to balance his life to avoid being boring. If you are ready to settle choose the best suitor and you won’t have a twinge of regret. If need be go, for professional help i.e. counselling. You will be in a position to understand yourself more.
Mercy Baiyenia, via email.
You have been dating Mr. A and B over the past year. Now, it’s time to make a decision regarding whom to marry. I ask you these questions: Which age bracket do you prefer for a husband? Do you value fun, a good-looking husband and temporal happiness, or a very driven husband who will provide for you and your children in future? If you follow your heart you will be choosing something which is positive, lasting and deep. If you follow your mind you will be choosing something which is temporal and shallow. You are responsible for your own happiness; it is you who should be creative so as to allow your heart to sing. These things should not come from outside you; if it does, it is only for a short time. I wish you good decision making.
Achieng Dara, via email.
You are now confused over whom to choose; this is what happens when you cheat. Be with the man who makes your heart happy. Someone you can call a best friend. Someone you can always talk to and share your emotions with. Don’t be with a man just because of the monetary aspect. This will assist you make your decision. Calvin Queens, via email.
Don’t rush the decision. I know you feel like the sooner you can figure out who you want to be with, the better. But realise this is a major decision! Not to put too much pressure on you, but it could impact the rest of your life. During that time, hopefully, one of the guys will do something good or bad to make the decision much easier for you. As long as you haven’t committed to either guy and don’t feel like you’re being disloyal to one guy by hanging out with the other, then you should take some time to make the decision.
James Njoki, via email.
EXPERT ADVICE
Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:
From years of experience with marital issues I have found that almost 90 per cent of women choose the focused man, the provider, over the man who made them happy but once the dust settles they felt like they entered into a union with little or no affection; where love was just an overly used word but there were no feelings that related to love.
Those same women found themselves seeking thrills outside the marriage to bridge the emotional void in their home. Financial stability is great but at what cost? It is true that love does not pay bills nor school fees but misery and depression can cause death. I advise happiness first above all. The choice is yours.
Husband doesn't know how to deal with wife's affair
Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My wife is having an affair, and I know all about it. In fact, I knew about it before it even started, as she came to me telling me she was interested in a physical relationship with someone she had just met.
Ever since then I have been faced with the choice between telling my wife to stop, or allowing it to continue to its conclusion.
What I really want is for her to want to stop on her own and, more importantly, to want me in the same physical and emotional sense that she wants her fling. Though my wife denies it, I have always felt like a “check-box husband” – the kind who has all the qualities she would write down on a piece of paper when thinking of her ideal husband (though I’m far from perfect). But rarely has she demonstrated the passion or desire for me that I would hope for from my wife.
Her affair demonstrates she is capable of such emotion, but maybe not just for me. The affair is the symptom, what do I do about the disease?
– Check-Box Husband
Terrible situation, I’m sorry.
Unless they agree openly and upfront to other arrangements, spouses deserve either to enter marriage feeling completely wanted or to have the wedding called off.
I think it’s time to stop thinking about how you want this to turn out, though, and start thinking about how it can turn out.
Read more:
For example, you say: “I have been faced with the choice between telling my wife to stop, or allowing it to continue to its conclusion.” You actually have other choices besides this, but you don’t mention them. Maybe you aren’t even thinking about them … and I suspect it’s because these are the only two that allow you your happy ending, where your wife returns passionately to your marriage. Right?
In both of them, she at least stops the affair – at your initiative or hers – and stays married to you, and from there your hope for passion stays alive.
It is a hope, though, that reality apparently doesn’t support.
So I urge you to start thinking of options that reality says are possible.
Those include: your ending the marriage, of course; or your staying in the marriage as-is, knowing you’re right about the check-box despite her denials, and adjusting your expectations of her accordingly; or staying in the marriage, but doing so as she does – with no compunction about getting your needs met on the side when the marriage itself doesn’t meet them. Just tell her, as she told you, when you’re interested in someone else.
It’s not a great lineup of choices, I’ll grant you that. However, each of them involves doing something different, whereas now you are waiting for something different, without any sign that anything is going to change. That’s torture. Whatever you choose, please don’t choose to put yourself through that.
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
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John-David Duggar's 'Creepy' Wedding Vows To Wife Abbie Burnett, Per 'In Touch'
Fans were thrilled to learn of the courtship and marriage of perpetual Duggar bachelor John-David to Abbie Grace Burnett. For those who chose to watch TLC’s webisodes of the event, watching Duggar recite his handwritten vows to his soon-to-be Mrs. had a creepy slant.
The couple, who wed on Sunday, November 4, was showcased in a series of clips that provided much juicy material for fans of the family’s television series Counting On. But it was one part of the couple’s actual wedding that creeped viewers out, according to In Touch.
During his personalized vows to Abbie Duggar, John-David vowed to kiss her at the most “inopportune times” and when she “least expects it.”
While that seems adorable for a younger couple, John-David is 28-years-old and his declaration of affection was something that should have likely been kept private between the two, not stated in a church filled with their family and friends.
Reading from a handwritten letter, John-David promised to respect and lead Abbie, giving himself wholly to her and staying faithful and then, he dropped the bombshell.
“I purpose to kiss you when you least expect it at the most inopportune times and in the most random places we may be in the world just because I love you so much,” said John-David in the clip.
Still, in keeping with the Duggar clan’s displays of public affection, his admission likely drew applause from those in attendance.
Remember, this statement comes from a young man who was raised in a family where women are told to always be “joyfully available” to their husbands, even when they aren’t “in the mood.”
Back in 2015, Michelle Duggar added a now-infamous blog post to the family’s official page where she shared some marriage advice given to her from her friend Gala for newlyweds.
Remember, this is from a couple who have 19 kids and eschew any form of birth control, allowing God to dictate how many children they would have.
“You are the only one who can meet that special need that he has in his life for intimacy. You’re it. You’re the only one,” said Duggar in the post. “So don’t forget that, that he needs you. And so be available, and not just available, but be joyfully available for him.”
“Smile and be willing to say, ‘Yes, sweetie I am here for you,’ no matter what, even though you may be exhausted and big pregnant and you may not feel like he feels. ‘I’m still here for you and I’m going to meet that need because I know it’s a need for you.’”
John-David and Abbie’s wedding will air on TLC’s Counting On November 27.
Amy Dickinson: Pot-smoking husband wants to toke freely
Dear Amy: My husband and I are at a crossroads. I learned several years ago that he had been smoking marijuana daily for nearly the whole of our 25-year marriage. I always knew he used pot, but I had no idea of the extent.
He finally said he wanted to be able to smoke freely. I agreed to this, and then I was shocked. He smoked in the morning, at night, on walks, on the porch after dinner and on dates. It began to make me feel as though he needed to be high to get through our life together. Out of the blue one day, he told me he wanted to quit. I was thrilled, but then he struggled mightily to quit. He finally did quit for 10 months.
Now he has started smoking again. He says he won’t smoke as much, but that he can’t make any promises. He says he spoke with his doctor about it, and his doctor was not concerned. Pot is now legal in our state.
I do not want to go back to the way things were, and have made that clear. He says that he’s an adult who can make his own decisions and that it shouldn’t matter to me because it does not alter his personality. He does not want to talk to our family counselor about it. Should I give it time, or make my own decision? — Too High-Minded?
Dear High-Minded: Your husband seems to have become dependent on (or addicted to) marijuana; after a lot of effort, he was able to quit, and now he has relapsed.
According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse (drugabuse.gov), “…studies suggest that 9 percent of people who use marijuana will become dependent on it, rising to about 17 percent in those who start using in their teens.” Your husband is a very longtime daily user.
His statement: “I’m an adult and I can use if I want…” is correct. He is an adult and he gets to make choices.
You are also an adult, and you get to make choices, too. He will not quit his pot use because you want him to. He will only quit if he wants to.
You ask if you should give it time, or make your own decision, but I think you should give it time AND make your own decision. He may be able to modulate his use. Are you open to this? But if his pot smoking affects your life in intolerable ways, then you may need to leave the relationship.
While you are pondering your options, you should stop bargaining with him. Detach from his choices and focus on yourself. A “friends and family” support group could help you.
Dear Amy: I recently got married, but the planning process was awful.
My mother and sister were horrible and hurtful.
Long story short, I ended up temporarily disconnecting all contact with my sister until I am ready and until she can be respectful toward me and my husband.
My question is — how will I know when I’m ready to reach out? My parents are pressuring me to make up with her and I do miss my nephews, but it’s only been three months and I’m not sure if I know that I’m ready.
What should I do? — Newlywed
Dear Newlywed: You don’t mention whether your parents are also pressuring your sister to make up with you. Nor do you say whether your sister has made any attempts — it doesn’t sound as if she has.
If you want to move this along, you could contact your sister and ask her to meet with you privately.
Describe your concerns, including what she did that caused you distress. Stay calm and assume a neutral attitude of listening. If you create plenty of space for her to acknowledge her own behavior and she doesn’t, then you’ll have another decision to make — whether to forgive her and try to move on, or whether to continue to keep your distance from someone who doesn’t seem to respect you. This will be up to you — not your parents.
Dear Amy: “Loving Children” described the tension for their adoptive father when they try to see their biological family.
You made a huge mistake. This adoptive father is not their real father. He might be wonderful, but he is a stepparent, not a parent. — Upset
Dear Upset: This man had adopted his stepchildren. An adoptive parent IS a “real” parent in every way, except for DNA.
