Category Archives: Marriage & Divorce
Are You My Husband? – The New York Times
Recently I found myself on the receiving end of a tarot card reading at a summer potluck. A woman I had met only 30 minutes earlier peered at me over her glasses, the cards spread out on a cooler between us. Holding the five of pentacles, she said, “Have you grieved the loss of your husband?”
The directness of the question, from a stranger, shook me. Especially since my husband was still very much alive, less than three miles away in our house.
Yet it was not the first time this had come up. Various people, from my stepmother-in-law to my therapist, have said something along the lines of, “I think you need to grieve the loss of your husband.” My chiropractor said, “Something is stuck inside of you. You need to let it out.” That something, she suggested, was grief.
This may have been good advice, but it’s not easy to implement when you still text your husband the grocery list, negotiate holiday family visits and sleep in the same bed.
Christian and I met in our mid 20s on the first day of graduate school orientation at the University of Washington. According to his retelling, he had chosen me to pursue after evaluating the full roster of single women in our entering class.
A few days later, we found ourselves unlocking our bicycles next to one another at the rack outside of our department building. He offered to bike home with me.
Our biking friendship quickly turned to romance. Five years later, in our early 30s, we married in a ceremony in a mountain town outside of Seattle, exchanging a kiss, rings and a vow to provide “a hand to hold in yours through each tomorrow.”
Eighteen months after saying those words, I got one of those calls you dread. Actually, it was a series of urgent texts from his sister, brother and stepmother, each saying, “Call me.”
When I reached his stepmother, I learned that Christian was in the emergency room at the trauma hospital. He had flipped over his bike handles and was on life support.
Christian remained in a coma for more than three weeks with a tracheotomy tube and a feeding tube. He was in a teaching hospital, so teams of doctors would come to check on him and evaluate his tests. It was early in that process that I learned, as they pored over grainy scans, that Christian had sustained a traumatic brain injury. He had obvious damage to his left temporal lobe and likely also had experienced shearing, or micro-tears.
Doctors, nurses and rehab specialists told me to grieve my old husband, and learn to love the new one. They also urged me to take care of myself, citing statistics about high levels of depression and sickness among caretakers. “This is a marathon, not a race,” they said. “Prepare for a new life.”
When Christian began waking up, it was agonizingly slow. For weeks he didn’t speak. His family and I weren’t sure if he even knew who we were until one day he pointed at me from his wheelchair and said to the medical assistant, in a raspy voice, “My wife.” Upon tasting applesauce, his first real food in more than a month, he licked his lips and devoured several cupfuls.
For Christian’s first steps, one aide stood chest to chest with him, talking through the process, while a second held a strap looped around my husband’s waist to help him balance. A third aide physically picked up his foot and put it down. Going to the bathroom, brushing teeth and bathing all took a similar team effort.
When Christian finally came home after three months, I would look at him across the room and wonder, “Who is this stranger?” My new husband walked and talked differently. He used to be the one who led us confidently on hikes in the backcountry. Now he got lost on short walks to the grocery store, often turning the wrong way when leaving the house.
Always described as “laid back” and an “eternal optimist” by those who knew him, he was now quick to anger, especially when his things weren’t where he expected them to be. A once successful and busy urban planner, he could no longer do professional work, nor could he keep pace with carpenters or handymen, jobs he had excelled at previously.
Before his accident, he was often the life of the party, cajoling friends into dance competitions. He designed an obstacle course for my birthday, made a glow-in-the-dark hula hoop to use at our annual big group camping trips and organized 10 grown men to dance to Beyoncé’s “Single Ladies” for my bachelorette party. Now he tired easily in social situations and would nap in a quiet room or sit with his eyes closed in the corner.
Our marriage suffered, mostly because our once shared burdens of work and home now fell so much more on me. But there were also surprising upsides. Early in our relationship, Christian had resisted getting a dog, even though I wanted one, because of how it would tie us down and hamper our travel. Neither of us wanted children and he’d happily gotten a vasectomy. Now he expressed a desire for both dogs and children, and talked about reversing his vasectomy, making me second guess my decisions.
Eventually we were able to resume our long bike rides, with him on a recumbent tricycle (lacking the balance for a two-wheeler). He used to ride in front, acting as my wind block, guide and protector. Now he trails behind. I look down at his helmet, at the person on the bright yellow recumbent tricycle and wonder, “Who is this stranger?”
His sense of humor has remained more or less intact, if differently delivered. For the first Halloween after his crash, he dressed up as a person with a head injury, wrapping his head in gauze upon which he’d dribbled red food coloring. Around his neck he wore a sign that read: “Too soon?”
Yes, too soon, his friends said. (But it was funny.)
What does it mean to grieve someone who is alive, but who walks, talks, thinks, acts and looks different from before? The experts call this kind of loss “ambiguous grief” or “unconventional grief.” People with loved ones who fall prey to Alzheimer’s may experience this, as may parents whose children become alcoholics or drug addicts.
Naming my grief is helpful because it invites me to engage in rituals of grieving.
When I lost my old husband, there was no funeral, no burial, no going through his items to decide what to keep or discard. No questions about when I might consider dating again. I never removed my wedding ring and gazed at my bare finger. I simply carried on, missing my husband and occasionally crying among strangers.
My new husband isn’t the same person I married, but he has his beauty. I admire so much about him. Having lost the ability to hustle, he enjoys life at a slower pace.
Every morning he sits on the porch with a cup of coffee, chatting with neighbors. Lacking a crisp memory of the past and unable to plan for the future as he once did, he lives in the moment. He meditates regularly on the couch with closed eyes. He rarely complains about anything.
He supports others who have experienced brain injury and cares for his aging mother. He enjoys holding our friends’ babies, playing with our toddler niece and spoiling our dachshund with treats and belly rubs. He’s already planning next year’s Halloween costume.
Our eighth wedding anniversary recently passed. The traditional gift is linens and lace, but I decided to create a new ritual that is more fitting for my unconventional grief.
On the morning of our anniversary, I sat outside by our fire pit, coffee cup in hand, reflecting. For 18 months, I was married to the old Christian. For six and a half years, I have been married to the new one.
On small pieces of paper, I wrote down what I miss about my old husband. With my basic drawing skills, I sketched him going no-handed on a bike and confidently starting a new home-remodeling project. I described the future I once imagined for us.
I burned those pieces of paper in a small fire.
On a fresh piece of paper, I wrote, “Welcome.” Below that, I jotted down dozens of words and phrases describing my new husband — “doesn’t rush,” “gets lost but enjoys the experiences and keeps trying,” “revels in simple pleasures” — alongside sketches of him playing with our dog and hanging out with his new friends.
That page I didn’t burn. I used it to welcome this stranger into my life.
Megan Horst is a professor of urban planning in Portland, Ore.
Modern Love can be reached at modernlove@nytimes.com.
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Getting married this year? We've got some tips for you – Gainesville Times
BY KELSEY RICHARDSON AND LAYNE SALIBA
With the Gainesville Bridal Expo coming up Sunday, Jan. 27, we’ve put together 10 tips from two staffers at The Times to keep in mind as you get closer to your wedding.
Layne was married October 2018 in Gainesville. He’s from Hall County and grew up in North Hall. He met his wife in preschool.
Kelsey is getting married in September 2019 at Fernbank Natural History Museum in Atlanta. She’s from Athens and is a big fan of dinosaurs.
Kelsey’s Tips
Don’t be afraid to draw a line when it comes to preparing a guest list
When making my first wedding guest list, I anticipated the process would prove fairly simple. The venue where I’m getting married, Fernbank Natural History Museum, can hold a maximum of 150 people in its outdoor balcony location.
Since my fiancé’s portion of the guest list only takes up a third of that, I felt relieved to have room to accomodate my large family. Before I could finish the list, my mom overtly pointed out the fact that I had not included all of her cousins and their children on the list. Many of these people I had never seen in my entire life. Some of them she promised I had met a handful of times during my childhood; however, I could not recall their faces nor their names.
After adding the extra people to the guest list, the amount of invites exceeded our maximum — and by a long way. When I told my mom that I wanted to be surrounded by people that I love and care about during my wedding, not by unfamiliar faces, she said that having strangers at weddings is perfectly normal. While I love my mom, I had to take a step back, draw a line in the guest list and remember that this is my wedding. Someone will inevitably feel left out, no matter how large the list.
Remember to budget for catering
I expected the venue would be the highest cost of the wedding, and after I secured a spot at Fernbank I felt relieved to have checked off that first box on the list. Like most venues, Fernbank had an approved food vendor list. As I called and researched each caterer, I soon found out that the food was nearly double the amount of the venue. I even negotiated the cheaper options with my preferred caterer, and the price still came to around $78 per head. If you intend on getting married at venue with an approved vendor list, be prepared to pay the amount of a decent used car.
Don’t procrastinate on locking down a venue
Within a month of getting engaged, I jumped on nabbing the perfect venue. Although my wedding was more than a year out, I wanted to make sure that I had a spot at Fernbank — my dream venue. After paying the deposit and making the reservation, I felt a huge burden lift off of my shoulders. Even though I had reached out to Fernbank more than a year before the wedding, most of September 2019 was already booked. I’m glad that I confirmed the space when I did, and I encourage all newly engaged couples to do the same before someone else steals your ideal venue.
Something will always go wrong
Anyone who has claimed to have experienced a flawless wedding, they’re either lying or had an amazing wedding planner who disguised all of the mishaps. One important detail that I’ve learned from all of my family members and friends who have gotten married is that something always goes wrong. Whether it’s caterers messing up a food order or rain arriving during an outdoor ceremony, people can’t predict the unpredictable. With my own wedding planning, I’ve already experienced a bit of drama within the bridal party and with figuring out my guest list. Flukes happen, so don’t set unreasonable expectations.
Make a checklist
I know that this may seem like an obvious step in the wedding planning process to some, but for me having a checklist is a tremendous help. I started off with a short list, which has increased over the months. Almost every time I talk with a married friend, they mention something that I have left out of the list. I had no idea that I would need wedding insurance nor the formality of sending out a “save the date” in addition to a wedding invitation. Through making a list, I have a clear path ahead of me and feel more confident that the event will at least resemble a wedding by the time I check off all of the boxes.
Layne’s tips
Get a reliable wedding planner who cares about the details of your wedding
Not everyone chooses to go with a wedding planner, and that’s OK. But my suggestion is to make room in your budget for one. A wedding planner — especially a good one who is involved in every decision — can make all the planning for the wedding much easier.
They sometimes think of things you never would have, and on the day of the wedding they’re in control of the details that might otherwise distract you, leaving you the time to actually enjoy the day. If something goes wrong, you likely won’t even know about it because the wedding planner will take care of it. It might be the best decision you’ll make. If you choose not to use one, you’ll quickly realize how valuable they are.
Book a two-space venue
One space for the ceremony, and another space, outdoors if the weather permits, for the reception. Having the ceremony room turn into a reception area is sometimes hard to do. If you have two rooms, everything can be set up and in order, ready to go for the actual reception ahead of time, leaving you with less to worry about. There’s much less room for mishaps or errors if the room is set up before the ceremony, leaving the bride and groom with less stress.
Create a detailed timeline for each vendor
Making sure everyone knows where to be and when to be there is essential on the wedding day, especially when you have a lot of vendors to deal with. Make sure you — or that wedding planner you’ll have because of tip No. 1 — make a detailed timeline that says when each vendor, whether it be the cake delivery, chair delivery, table settings coordinator, etc. should arrive at the venue. And if it’s something that needs to be set up and requires someone remain at the venue (like a bar), make sure that vendor knows when they must be set up in order to not disturb the ceremony.
Plan big things first, details last
This may seem self-explanatory, but check the big things off your list first: Date, venue, photographer, dress, suits. All of the small details can be handled later or by someone else. Oftentimes, even though it’s hard to hear, those small details go unnoticed anyway. So don’t waste valuable time on them when you could be dedicating that time to something much more worthwhile.
Secure a second photographer
Depending on how important photos are to you, this is essential. If it’s in your budget, book the second shooter. This allows photos to be taken in two places at the same time, leaving less chance a moment is missed. If you’re already paying for the photographer in the first place, the extra cash for another camera to capture your day is worth it.
Read a Catholic saint's advice for a strong marriage – Myjoyonline.com
Marriage, says St. Francis de Sales, is a knitting together of two hearts. It’s a joy available to the rich and the poor alike and one of the surest ways to find happiness.
Francis was the bishop of Geneva in the early 17th century, and as a bishop, he was never married, but over the years, as he participated in the lives of his parishioners, he grew to know the challenges and needs of married people. So although he speaks of marriage second-hand, his wisdom about how to maintain a strong marriage is profoundly insightful.
In his book, Introduction to the Devout Life, Francis devotes an entire chapter to counsel for married people.
As I read it, I was struck by his metaphors. He writes of how a wife is like a precious pearl, and how a couple are united as bone of bone and flesh to flesh.
He advises that a husband and wife are in it together, and we either win as a team or lose as a team. When spouses forget about themselves and live for each other, both are made happier, and each loving sacrifice becomes a source of satisfaction.
I’ve been married now for almost 18 years. The greatest challenge over all these years has been to not to take it for granted.
When reading Francis, he emphasizes that spouses ought to treasure each other, and I have to ask myself when was the last time I really looked at my wife, truly saw her, and considered how wealthy a man I am.
Here she is, my greatest treasure, sitting on the couch nursing the baby, the toddler clinging to her arm, and our oldest daughter quietly embroidering next to her. My wife is a magical creature who is mothering six children and yet somehow still finds a way to make me hot chocolate when we come in from sledding with the children.
Perhaps that’s the first lesson Francis teaches about marriage — to simply take the time to see each other again as if for the first time, and appreciate all the little ways we’ve grown together over the years.
A mere glance is enough to reveal that generic feelings of love aren’t enough for a strong marriage. Married love is sacrificial and it is specific. This is the person to whom I give my heart.
This is the woman I love even when I don’t feel like it, even when we’re upset at each other, even when we’re buried in job stress and parenting duties.
Francis uses three metaphors when advising couples about marital love and its effects …
Glue your hearts together
Francis points out that, in carpentry, two boards that are properly glued together will never break apart, and the board itself will break before the glued seam does. He compares this to how a person is “glued” to his spouse, and will come apart at his own soul and body before breaking apart from his spouse.
The bond between husband and wife may be the strongest thing in the universe and it outlasts even death itself. Francis is careful to point out that this bond is physical but also extends to our thoughts and affections. A spouse comes first, and no other relationship, friendship, or work obligation should be allowed to take precedence.
Stamp your hearts with an image of each other
Francis talks about an unusual custom at weddings, “In olden times,” he writes, “finger rings were wont to be graven as seals.” The wedding ring represents a seal that is set on the heart. It is an image of that the hearts of the spouse belong to each other.
When a letter is sealed, a drop of hot wax is pressed with a stamp until the wax takes on the image engraved on the stamp.
This is what happens to our hearts in marriage, they change shape. There is only one key that unlocks my heart, and my wife alone possesses it. At its most simple, the seal represents fidelity and how two hearts now beat for each other.
Make your hearts bigger
Francis says that children enter into the love of the family and expand it. Love makes our hearts bigger, and in the expansion of a family there is also an expansion of the love between a husband and wife.
Of course, not everyone is able to bear children, but the principle itself isn’t limited to biological offspring. Adoption is a beautiful act of love that expands a couple’s hearts. Nieces and nephews are a beautiful thing — even the little ones who live next door can offer a couple a chance to embrace children in some way.
Recently I was at a funeral for a man who was childless, but every single relative there said that he was like a second father to them.
In whatever situation married couples are in, they can find a way to make their hearts bigger by loving those around them. In the end, this gift to others makes a marriage stronger.
Marriage is meant to be sweet, says Sr. Francis, it only becomes bitter if we don’t maintain it. So take a breath, pause, look at each other with new eyes, renew the affection and sacrificial love you first vowed to on your wedding day, and say to yourself, this is my beloved, the heart of my very own heart.
7 Insidious Marriage Problems You Really Shouldn't Ignore | HuffPost Life – HuffPost
In any marriage ― even the strongest, happiest ones ― problems and frustrations will inevitably arise. And while it’s not worth broaching every single little grievance that grinds your gears (e.g., Your partner forgot to wring out the sponge again? Annoying but you’ll live), there are certain problems that really shouldn’t be ignored.
Some issues, like abusive behavior or a major breach of trust, are generally regarded as obvious red flags. But other issues that may appear harmless in comparison could actually be cause for concern.
We asked marriage therapists to reveal some of the more subtle but potentially serious relationship red flags that you shouldn’t write off.
1. You feel anxious when you’re around your partner or before seeing them
Relationship stress can take a toll on you physically in a number of ways: frequent headaches, stomachaches or difficulty sleeping, to name a few. If these symptoms seem to pop up when you’re with your partner or in anticipation of being around them, it could be a sign something in the relationship is amiss, said marriage and family therapist Jennifer Chappell Marsh.
“Sometimes, if something is off in a relationship, we may not be able to pinpoint it but our bodies will tell us something is not right,” she said.
2. You feel lonely even when you’re together
We all have crappy days when we feel disconnected from our partners. But if you’re experiencing these feelings of loneliness more often than not over a period of time, it’s worth examining why you feel so isolated in the relationship.
“It’s a sign that you are either not opening up to your spouse for connection or your attempts to connect with your spouse are being rejected,” Marsh said. “Feeling lonely is a sign of disconnection physically, emotionally or both. Active steps are needed or the gap between you will grow bigger.”
3. You don’t know how to fight fair
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. The ability to talk through issues in a respectful way is a sign of maturity and health in the relationship. Couples who haven’t figured out how to do this end up either screaming in each other’s faces or not fighting at all. Instead of addressing problems head on, they just sweep things under the rug.
“Excessive fighting is a problem but so is the other end of the spectrum: the absence of conflict,” Marsh said. “Pervasive conflict avoidance can indicate that one or both partners do not feel confident to bring issues up. Avoiding short-term conflict leads to long-term resentment and disconnection. It’s the leading cause of ‘roommate syndrome,’ where couples get along but do not feel an intimate connection.”
Therapist Kurt Smith, who specializes in counseling men, said fighting constantly and avoiding conflict altogether both have the potential to erode a relationship.
“It’s typical for couples to make their fighting routine seem OK. Either they’ll say, ‘Every couple fights’ or ‘We never fight’ like that’s a good thing. Both fighting too much and never fighting are destructive for relationships,” he said.
4. When you talk about money, it always turns into an argument
Many times, couples have different philosophies and priorities when it comes to their finances — one’s a spender, the other a saver; one wants to open a joint account, the other wants to keep things separate. But how a couple reconciles these differences says a lot about the relationship. Yes, money can be a touchy subject. But if you two can’t figure out how to have a productive conversation, consider seeing a therapist who can give you pointers on how to communicate more effectively.
“Having money issues in a marriage is common, whether it’s partners who can’t talk about anything money related, disagree over how much to spend versus save, or use money in a way that hurts each other,” Smith said. “In fact, money is always listed on every list of top reasons couples divorce. Yet couples almost never come to counseling to resolve their money differences.”
5. Your partner makes digs and jokes at your expense
Some playful ribbing between spouses is all in good fun — as long as both parties are in on the joke. But if it feels like your partner is taking cheap shots at you, constantly rolling their eyes at your remarks or otherwise undermining you, that can eat away at your self-esteem.
“A pattern of belittling, minimizing or making fun of someone may indicate a deeper disrespect or power imbalance,” marriage and family therapist Spencer Northey said. “It can breed resentment and contempt, which is a relationship death sentence.”
And don’t let your partner dismiss your reaction as being “too sensitive.” You might feel pressured to brush off their hurtful comments, but you shouldn’t have to.
“My advice is that if your partner’s ‘playful’ or casual comments are starting to hit a nerve, don’t just laugh it off,” Northey said. “Have a serious conversation about sensitivities and respect. Don’t stay in a relationship in which you are not given equal regard.”
6. Sometimes, you feel more like your partner’s therapist than their spouse
The ability to lean on your partner for advice and emotional support is one of the benefits of being in an intimate relationship. That said, your partner shouldn’t be using you as a substitute for a professional therapist, especially if they’re dealing with a mental health condition or a life crisis.
“Whether it’s handling a change in mood, work stressors on the rise or a conflict in the relationship, it can be challenging to know when and how to support a partner and when more help is needed,” therapist Juan Olmedo said. “Establishing whether the partner in need is looking for a sounding board to vent or feedback and suggestions to make change is an important priority to set.”
7. You have a really hard time making decisions
Decisiveness is not a quality that comes naturally to everyone. But if making decisions, big and small, feels overwhelming or impossible for you and/or your partner, it could be a sign of deeper instability in the relationship, Northey said.
“A minor example would be that a couple cannot agree on where and when to vacation, so they never go,” she said. “Or they rarely go out, because they cannot decide on what to do so they default to staying in.”
Indecision on a bigger level could be a couple who is unable to decide where to live or, more seriously, unsure about how committed they are to one another and the relationship.
“In a marriage, they may go back and forth about wanting to separate or stick it out. Generally, with indecision, there is a pattern of frustrating back and forth when they are trying to make meaningful decisions,” Northey said. “This can be because either one or both of them do not have a good grasp of what makes them happy, or one or both are unconsciously sabotaging getting along. It could also mean they are fundamentally incompatible.”
Northey’s advice? “Start recognizing patterns of indecision and figure out their roots to make sure that nothing is getting in the way of a healthy attachment.”
