Relationships Talk

Former Teen Mom star Farrah Abraham has had a lot of different business ventures. She’s starred on reality TV, appeared in adult films and owned a frozen yogurt business. Now, she has a new thing going: She’s working as a seχ therapist.

Abraham, 27, is offering up her services — which she dubs “Farrahpy” on the video site CamSoda. Abraham says she’s “dated around the globe, and worked with some of the best seχ therapists in the world myself.” She also touts her “ability to communicate honestly and my openness seχually” for allowing her to give “groundbreaking live seχ therapy sessions.” Abraham’s services don’t come cheap — she’s charging $5,000 for a 30-minute private video chat.

Abraham recently plugged her sessions in an Instagram video, in which she says, “All these questions, all these answers. I mean, all these years of TV have really paid off.”

While Abraham seems pretty confident in her ability to work with couples that need therapy, actual seχ therapists aren’t convinced. “I’m all for people getting seχual education, but I shudder at the notion of celebrity entertainers doing so,” David Ley, PhD, a certified therapist, tells Yahoo Lifestyle. “The last thing we need is more seχual ignorance being spread.”

Donna Oriowo, LICSW, owner and lead therapist at AnnodRight, agrees. “I think that it’s awesome that she wants to give out advice, but I’m wary of calling it therapy,” she tells Yahoo Lifestyle.

Seχ therapist Debra Laino, DHS, isn’t impressed either. “I absolutely disagree with this, especially for actual problems,” she tells Yahoo Lifestyle. “It’s one thing to say ‘Yeah, try [this].’ It’s another thing to deal with problems. I hope she is not dealing with serious issues. ”

Seχ therapists need to have actual qualifications, Rachel Needle, PsyD, a licensed psychologist and certified seχ therapist in West Palm Beach, Fla., and the co-director of Modern Seχ Therapy Institutes, tells Yahoo Lifestyle. “Let’s be clear that a person who does not have a degree in counseling or psychology is not qualified to provide therapy,” she says. “Having personal experience does not make one an expert. An individual with extensive training or education (even if self-taught) may in fact be knowledgeable, but that certainly does not qualify them as an ‘expert’ who can give ‘advice.’”

While Abraham has worked as an adult film star, that doesn’t qualify her to be a therapist, Ian Kerner, PhD, a seχ therapist and author of She Comes First, tells Yahoo Lifestyle. “Seχ therapists receive over 150 hours of specialized education and over 300+ hours of supervised sex therapy training,” he says. “I can tell you personally that I rely heavily on science, education, clinical experience, and consultation with my peers in order to assess and treat both simple and complex sexual issues.”

Kerner says it would be a “dire mistake” to seek help from someone who is not properly trained, and “doing so could make the issue much worse.” “Seχ is an important and common part of being alive, but it’s also complex,” he says, adding that many issues like low desire, erectile dysfunction, and premature ejaculation have a medical component that needs to be part of the diagnosis and treatment plan.

If you’re interested in receiving seχ therapy from a licensed therapist, Oriowo says it’s really best to go through the American Association of Seχuality Educators, Counselors and Seχ Therapists (AASECT) to find someone in your area. And, for the record, it shouldn’t cost you anywhere near what Abraham is charging. “A legitimate seχ therapist should not be charging you $5,000 for a half-hour session,” Oriowo says.

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Whether you’re newly married or have been together a long time, at some point there’s a worry that’s probably crossed your mind: divorce. Even if you don’t have any urge to get divorced yourself, it’s hard to ignore the statistics flying around, the constant reminders that not all marriages make it. But just because divorce is common doesn’t mean it has to happen to you. One of the best things that you can do is look back and learn from relationships that have gone wrong, so you can stop yourself from making the same mistakes. And nobody knows divorce better than divorce lawyers.

Divorce lawyers have seen it all—from bubbling newlyweds to bitter splits—and they have a unique insight into what makes marriages fail and what makes them succeed, and they can spot toxic relationship behavior from a mile away. So here are eight ways to protect and strengthen your marriage, straight from the horse’s mouth.

1. Communicate

If you ever have doubted the importance of communication, the divorce lawyers we spoke to were unanimous about its importance. “Communication, in my opinion, is the most important component for a happy, healthy relationship or marriage,” Marcia Mavrides, divorce attorney and owner of Mavrides Law, tells Brides. “Communication ensures both parties have a very clear mutual understanding of what they want out of their partner and out of life, whether it be in regard to career, finances, religion, children, etc.”

Communication has to be more than just talking—it needs to be about actively listening. “Listen to understand where the other person is really coming from,” Michele Hart, of M. Hart Divorce and Family Law in Morristown, New Jersey, tells Brides. “Listening is at the heart of close relationships with others. Instead of thinking of your own response, put aside for the moment your own judgments, opinions, thoughts, and expectations. How does the other person view the situation?” If you make the effort to see things from each other’s point of view, you’ll be so much stronger.

2. Prioritize Quality Time

It’s easy to get complacent in relationships, but it’s so important that you make the time to really connect. “I worked with a client who began the divorce process, but was able to repair her marriage by learning new techniques for communication in couples counseling and a commitment by her and her spouse to get to know each other again and communicate more effectively,” Mavrides says. “Date night, once per week, without their cell phones in hand was a key component to this new communication plan—by spending quality time with each other, without distractions, my former client and her husband were able to get to know each other again, enjoy each other’s company, and remain happily married. You cannot underestimate the value of quality, distraction-free communication!” Set time aside where you’re really connecting.

3. Take Responsibility

A lot of relationships fall apart because one person sees themselves as the “good” partner, the one who never messes up or does anything wrong, while blaming everything on the other person—but everyone makes mistakes. “It is crucial to the success of the relationship that both partners humbly acknowledge how their actions affect one another,” Sarah A. Intelligator, Law Offices of Sarah A. Intelligator, tells Brides. “Failing to accept the blame means it is always your partner’s fault. If that is true, then you are sending the resounding message that your partner is inferior and can never do anything right,” says Intelligator. “In turn, your partner will grow resentful and feel as though he or she is constantly being judged.”

Hart agrees, saying “take responsibility—conflicts are rarely caused by one person. You might ask yourself, ‘What can I take responsibility for?’ Acknowledging your piece helps to build trust and respect.” Just by owning up to your mistakes, you’ll keep the relationship on a solid foundation.

4. Be Realistic

Sometimes, marriages go wrong because we have unrealistic expectations from the start. “There was an interesting study that showed the more expensive a wedding, the higher likelihood of a divorce,” Mavrides says. “This is likely because people focus so intently on the idea of marriage and planning their wedding that they don’t take the time to make sure they are marrying someone they are compatible with.” If you’re honest about the person you’re with and set realistic expectations about your marriage, you’ll be in a much stronger position. Oh, and marrying the right person definitely helps.

5. Know That Things Change

“For those looking to get married (insert flashing warning light here): the people we marry are not the people we divorce,” Nicole Sodoma, managing principal, Sodoma Law, tells Brides. “People change and not at the same pace or in the way you dreamed when you said ‘yes.’ In fact, there are many people that will be married many times—but to the same person if they can courageously and loyally commit to acknowledging the change and working through it at whatever pace works in their marriage.” How do you cope with both of you changing and evolving? Sodoma suggests seeking advice and help, whether it’s from friends and family or professionals. Talking to other people and getting objective input can make all the difference.

6. Compromise

For a relationship to work—and for a marriage to survive—you have to be willing to meet in the middle. “Marriage will be the hardest thing you will do (aside from becoming a parent),” Sodoma says. “Compromise and putting someone else’s interests ahead of yours on a regular basis is not necessarily easy or natural behavior. And, saying SORRY is meaningless unless you know why you are apologizing and will use your best efforts not to rinse and repeat.”

7. Stay Flirty and Playful

One thing that can create distance in a relationship is taking each other for granted; we stop romancing and flirting with each other. “During the courtship phase, it is all about planning fun dates and romantic weekend getaways,” Intelligator says. But then that can easily fade, so it’s crucial to keep it alive. “Whether it is a nice dinner out of the house or a weekend getaway, we experience a change of scenery that not only stimulates conversation but reminds us of our courtship. It reminds us why we decided to spend our life with this person.”

Not only should you keep your relationship full of romantic and sexy sparks, Intelligator also says you should stay silly with each other. “I happen to be a big fan of spontaneous dance parties in the kitchen while dinner is cooking,” she explains. “Believe me. You cannot possibly think about tomorrow’s work deadline when you are jokingly grinding up against your partner to ‘Turn Down for What,’ while the asparagus is roasting in the oven.” Sounds like a good place to start.

See more: 8 Questions to Ask Your Partner Before Marriage That Will Help Prevent Divorce

8. Be Honest

Finally, make a commitment to be honest with each other. “Honesty is fundamental to a relationship,” Intelligator says. “Without it, there is no trust. And without trust, the relationship falls apart.” Honesty isn’t just about not lying, it’s also about being candid and open about how you’re feeling—rather than withholding information and letting resentments brew. Be as open as you can, as much as you can.

There’s no one-size-fits-all solution to making a marriage work, but divorce lawyers have seen them fail time after time because of complacency, a lack of respect, and being too self-involved. Taking the time to connect with your partner, thinking about their point of view, and remembering why you love each other can make all the difference.

Ayesha Curry has some strong opinions about what it takes to be a good spouse and a good parent. According to the chef and wife of basketball star Steph Curry, the key to her successful marriage is putting her husband before her kids.

“Putting ourselves first, and making sure that we make time for date nights and for each other,” the 29-year-old confessed in a recent interview with Hello Giggles when asked what had helped her and husband of almost eight years Steph stay together. “That’s been very important, as hard as it is. Because when you become a parent, you want to put your kids first, and we do, but we do it second to our relationship.”

Ayesha, who has kids Riley, 6, Ryan, 3, and Canon, six months, with Steph, went on to explain that “when our relationship is good, the kids are happy and they’re thriving and our family life is good.”

She also stressed that she doesn’t think it’s selfish to prioritize her marriage because “it’s making sure we set a strong foundation.”

During the interview, the mom of three said that she learned by example from watching both her and Steph’s parents. “Both of our parents are still married and have been married for 30-plus years, and [this is] the one thing that they both shared with us—some through learning it the hard way, some through just making sure that they do it.”

And Ayesha isn’t the only woman who has confessed to putting her husband ahead of her children. Back in 2005, author Ayelet Waldman was dubbed a “bad mother” and faced heavy backlash when she wrote a piece explaining how she loved her husband —  author Michael Chabon — more than their children.

Despite the criticism, however, the practice of focusing on your marriage first is something many psychologists and marriage therapists approve of, as a healthy relationship sets a good example for kids.

Marriage takes work. Everyone knows this. But what many don’t realize is that they might be working on the wrong things. Or even working on the right things in the wrong way.

“In our culture, there’s so much focus on getting together rather than on being together and staying happy together,” says Suzann Pileggi, who, along with her husband, James Pawelski, director of education at the University of Pennsylvania Positive Psychology Center, authored Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts. “Looking at positive psychology research and seeing what is it that can actually lead to a happier marriage.”

Positive psychology is the science of strengths and looking at what makes individuals and couples thrive. “The research shows that, if you’re focusing more on growing the nuggets of what’s good, you have a better chance of having a happy relationship.” In other words, know your strengths and spend time maintaining them. Here, then, are five tips that Suzann and James say will lead to better days for you and your spouse.

1. Cultivate a Healthy Passion

That idea of starry-eyed lovers who are forever on each other’s minds and obsess over each other daily? Total B.S. In fact, per Pileggi this thinking is detrimental, as it can give rise to the idea that obsessive passion is a healthy thing.

“In the beginning of a relationship, you can’t stop thinking about your partner, you might be distracted at work, you might cancel plans with friends to see your girlfriend or future spouse,” she explains. “But if that continues months or years into the relationship and you’re not seeing your friends anymore, you’re not engaging in activities that you did before the relationship, and you can’t focus on anything else, that could be more of an obsessive passion.”

In order to create a healthy passion, Pileggi says to be sure to make room in your mind for your other interests and other people. Then, when you are with your partner, find ways to connect over things that you both enjoy. “It’s about forging a deeper bond, not trying to be competitive,” Pileggi says. “So don’t choose something that you really like and enjoy and your wife has no interest in. The idea is to connect, not to compete.”

2. Embrace the Upside

At the beginning of a relationship, positive emotions are flowing with regularity. Excitement, joy, passion are all right at your fingertips. But, as the relationship progresses and you both get more comfortable with each other, some people expect that those positive emotions will just happen without any effort. Not so.

“The research shows that the happiest couples with the most sustainable marriages are the ones who actively cultivate them all the time and prioritize them as opposed to waiting around for them to happen,” she says. “Because, like with anything, the newness of something, those heightened positive emotions, the level and the frequency just naturally don’t occur as much as in the beginning of a relationship, the falling-in-love stage.”

So, couples in long-term relationships who are looking to cultivate positive emotions have to ask themselves what can they do each day, what activities or actions can they do in order to keep positive emotions flowing in a marriage.

“Imagine if you just bought a gym membership and went once and then said, ‘Okay, now I’m going to be fit,’” Pileggi says. “No, you work out regularly and throughout your lifetime.”

One activity that Pileggi and her husband discuss in Happy Together is a ‘Positive Relationship Portfolio,’ And yes, it is actually a portfolio: of pictures, mementos, and other such items that mean something in your relationship. If that’s your style or not, we get it. The point of the exercise is to devote time to thinking about the fond memories, which, per Pileggi, is extremely important. However you do it is up to you.

3. Savor Experiences

Positive emotions and moments are fleeting. Pileggi says that it’s important to slow down and take time to enjoy them. “Research shows that if you spend at least 15 minutes savoring something you could increase your satisfaction,” she says. “One way to do that is sharing secrets with one another. Ask your spouse about a favorite childhood experience, or a secret they never told anyone or big idea or dream they always had for the future.” The point is this: The more you open up and talk about these sorts of things, the deeper a bond you’re able to create.

4. Locate and Focus on Character Strengths

What are your partner’s strengths? Do you know? Positive Psychology researchers have identified 24 character traits that people possess in different measures. Things like creativity, curiosity, zest, love of learning, leadership. Pileggi recommends taking a Character Strengths test with your partner (one is available here). Then, once you’ve determined what your strengths are, you can have conversations with each other about them. From there, Pileggi says, you both can go on what she and her husband call a “strength date.”  Sounds weird right? But the idea is sound: each of you to pick a top strength and go on a date that plays to — and satisfies — both of them.

5. Emphasize Gratitude

“If your partner feels taken advantage of and not acknowledged, they’re not going to be satisfied,” she says. And just saying “thanks” isn’t enough.

An example: If your spouse gives you a gift or does something kind for you, don’t just thank them, but also say something like, “You really know what I need and you’re such a good listener.” or “You’re so thoughtful, and I can see how thoughtful you are with our children and the way you are at work.”

It’s about being deliberate and specific in how you express appreciation for your partner. “Express your thanks and express it well,” says Pileggi. “Which means focusing on your partner and her actions and her strengths rather than solely on the gift and the benefit to you.” The end result: Per Pileggi, couples who did this decreased their chances of breaking up six months later by 50 percent.