Category Archives: Marriage & Divorce
Help! My Boyfriend Refuses to Do Any Housework. – Slate
Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by KatarzynaBialasiewicz/iStock/Getty Images.
Daniel Mallory Ortberg is online weekly to chat live with readers. Here’s an edited transcript of this week’s chat.
Daniel Mallory Ortberg: Good morning, chatters! Let’s sort things out.
Q. The second shift in 2019? When I’m 23? My boyfriend and I live together and we’re incredibly happy. We’re in our early 20s and live in New York with two full-time jobs and side hustles. We’re both equally ambitious and serious about our future, both professionally and as a couple.
I typically beat him home from work, and while I admit I tend to be the neater roommate and more inclined in the kitchen, we have fallen in the habit of me taking over the cleaning and cooking. My boyfriend vocalizes that he’s appreciative of everything I do but groans and drags his feet when I ask him to help out too. We’ve had the conversation multiple times, both light-heartedly and seriously. It does take a toll on me. I enjoy both activities of cooking and cleaning (being a neat freak and vegan home chef will do that to you), but I can’t help but think this might be a red flag down the road. If I’m 23 and already dutifully showing up for the second shift as we build our life together, what will happen when we’re 43 (hopefully with kids) and still in this pattern?
A: It’s a red flag now! I think given current trajectories, you can expect that, short of a very serious rearrangement in your boyfriend’s priorities, if you are still with him at 43 and have kids, you will be responsible for just as much cooking and cleaning, plus the majority of the child care, and he will be writing in to me asking why you don’t have as much time for him as you used to. “My boyfriend vocalizes that he’s appreciative of everything I do” is the lowest of low bars—he’s got a professional-grade cleaning service and a vegan home chef working for him. The fact that he says “thank you” while refusing to do the dishes is not a point in his favor. I understand that you two are happy and in your early 20s, but I think the way someone treats division of labor and chores in the home is such an important indicator of their character.
Q. How do I manage my extended family? I recently moved back in with my parents. Both my parents are old and my mom is not able to move about, so they needed someone to take care of her and help run the household. My dad helps as much as he can. My siblings understand the situation, but they are not able to uproot their families and move. However, when they were over for the holidays, it was a huge relief.
The issue is the extended family. They organize family get-togethers and make plans where they stay over. In either of the situations, they don’t help clean up, do their beds, assist in meal preparation, or let us know what their plans are. Even if they do bring the food, I have to warm it up, serve it, do all the dishes, and divide the leftovers among everyone. No one volunteers to help, and when they do, they leave a bigger mess. I have mentioned this to my parents, so they are aware of it. What makes me upset is that I never get to hang out with anyone, I do not look forward to anyone’s visit, and I get so upset that I am unable to put up a happy appearance.
Now my uncle has planned another get-together at our place. My parents knew about it, but no one mentioned it to me until I heard about it in passing. This is not the first time this has happened. I moved with the best of intentions, but this is bringing out the worst in me. All I want to do is to scream into a pillow. What do I do to make the best of this situation? I just cannot leave my mom and dad when they need me the most.
A: Do these relatives have a key to your parents’ house? If they do, ask for it back and/or change the locks. If they don’t, you have a bit more freedom to act as a gatekeeper. I don’t know if your parents enjoy these get-togethers. If they’re not especially wild about them, when someone mentions that they’re planning on hosting a party at your house, tell them you’re no longer available for hosting, but that you’ll be happy to meet them at a restaurant or one of their houses.
If your parents do enjoy them, and aren’t able to get out much, you may not want to bar the door, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a cater-waiter either. You say you’re ready to scream into a pillow, but before you do that, just say something! If you do want to host the occasional party for your parents’ sake, you can still set a limit (say, no more than one a month), and let everyone know that you’re not available to heat or serve the food. Just don’t do it! If they are hungry enough, I promise you they will feed themselves, and you’re not abandoning any hosting duties because you didn’t arrange the party. After the meal is finished, you can cheerfully announce that the dishwasher is in the kitchen and you appreciate their leaving the place as clean as they found it.
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Q. My boyfriend came out to me as bisexual: I’ve been seeing this great guy for more than six months. He’s smart, caring, and attractive. He is the kind of man I want to marry someday.
When things started getting serious between us, he came out to me as bisexual. We had a long conversation in which he told me he’s had several long-term relationships with other men. I ended up questioning his fidelity with me. He explained to me being bisexual doesn’t make him less faithful than straight people. He told me I was being hypocritical because I’ve broken up with guys in the past who were insecure that I had more sexual partners than them.
In the end, I told him I could never be in a serious relationship with a bisexual man. I know I’m clearly in the wrong here and I would be letting a great guy slip away, but I just can’t get over being with a man who has also been in intimate relationships with other men. Is there a way I can overcome this feeling?
A: You’ve already told your boyfriend that you could never be in a serious relationship with a bisexual man. While I do hope that over the course of your life you’re able to find better ways to deal with your own fears, insecurities, and internalized stereotypes about bisexual men, I don’t think you’re going to be able to come back from making that declaration in this particular relationship. I think your boyfriend deserves better than a relationship where, after six months of getting to know him, his partner feels put off and like she needs to overcome his bisexuality. And I hope you find a very straight man you like a whole bunch!
Q. Re: The second shift in 2019? When I’m 23? Hire out the housework. My partner had similar complaints about me, but frankly, I would rather work and play. And by making a few sacrifices, we hired out the things we didn’t have time to do—we got a bimonthly housekeeper, a service for vegan dinners, and send out some laundry. It was life-changing, and after we had kids, we adjusted. Let’s face it: The last few generations are the first where couples both worked out of the household and were expected to cook and maintain the house. I’m glad he loved me enough to see past it, because we have a great (albeit, somewhat cluttered) life.
A: I’m glad this works for the two of you, and that you can afford it! And I certainly don’t want to suggest that anyone who’s not a professional-level home chef or deeply committed housecleaner ought to be summarily dumped. But I’m wary of the fact that this boyfriend not only doesn’t do any of the housework himself, he balks when asked and hasn’t volunteered to pay for someone else to do it. That tells me the underlying problem isn’t going to be solved by shifting the work onto somebody else (assuming these two in their early 20s can afford to send out their laundry, have a cleaning crew come in regularly, and pay for meal service), because the underlying problem is that he considers the work of making meals and keeping the house clean to be the letter writer’s job.
Q. Timeshare trouble: I took a new job last year, and unlike my old job, it requires periodic road trips. My husband’s work (which provides most of our income) is fairly demanding and requires him to start work at 5 a.m. That makes it difficult for him to handle our kids by himself when I am traveling (I usually handle things in the morning, getting them to school; my husband usually deals with the afternoons and evenings).
My in-laws have very generously agreed to fly out and visit when I have to travel. That’s all great. The problem is my parents. They now constantly complain that “the other grandparents” get more time with the kids. They are, of course, welcome to visit if they like. But they don’t, mostly because they don’t want to leave their dog (the dog can’t fly). Also, they are not particularly helpful with the kids (which doesn’t prevent a visit for a visit’s sake, obviously!). They expect that we should all fly out to see them to balance things out. But that seems very unreasonable because we don’t have the flexibility with respect to work and school to do it. My parents, on the other hand, are retired. How can I get through to them that this is not about favoring one set of grandparents, but rather a question of dealing with a challenging child care situation?
A: Your parents: “It’s awful! It’s unfair! It’s a grandparently crime that we never see you and the kids.”
You: “That’s too bad! You know you’re welcome to come visit any time.”
Your parents: “We can’t visit! The dog can’t fly. You should come see us!”
You: “I’m afraid [Husband] can’t get the time off work, and I’m sure you remember how difficult it is to fly with children. But if you ever find a dog sitter you like, we’d all love to see you.”
If they’re inclined to just go endless rounds on listing reasons why they can’t fly, don’t start arguing. Just repeat that you’d love to see them, and if they don’t drop the subject after that, find an excuse to get off the phone and go. The less conversational purchase you give them on the subject, the better—even if they don’t drop it right away, at least you’ll spend less time on the phone listening to them complain.
Q. So much of a good thing: A couple years ago I moved abroad, leaving many beloved friends behind. I’m building a happy life here and doing my best to stay in contact with people back home. This is a first for me, because previously when I left a stage in life—high school, college, new job—I’ve dropped everyone cold turkey due to stress and mental health. But I’m in a better position now and I love these people, so I’m putting in the effort.
However, now I feel like I don’t have enough hours in the day! I want to keep up with a few of my dearest friends and family from home and a couple online friends who have supported me through thick and thin, but I also want to meet new friends here and strengthen those friendships through local hobbies. I don’t know how to do it! All of these people bring me joy and brighten my lunch hour, but I’m bad at multitasking and I feel like a bad friend for only replying to Facebook messages once every few weeks. How do people do this?
A: Often they only speak to their friends once every few weeks! I’d welcome hearing from anyone who’s moved far away from their primary social circle and has tips for managing long-distance friendships on top of having a life in their new country. I think it makes sense to prioritize the people and activities you can see and participate in regularly, while also setting aside an hour or two a week to talk to your closest friends from home and getting to Facebook messages when time permits. It sounds like you’re doing quite a lot, so I think you should cut yourself some slack and remember that lots of (healthy, wonderful, robust) friendships don’t involve talking every day, especially when you’re separated by half a world.
Q. Re: How do I manage my extended family? There’s an old rule of etiquette: If you plan an event, you host it at your place, not someone else’s. And if you absolutely have to have it at someone else’s place, you get that person’s permission first. Remind your extended family of this old rule.
A: Yes! I get the vibe that this letter writer feels like since these family members have made a habit of using Mom and Dad’s place for hosting events, it feels like they’re not really allowed to say anything about it—maybe (especially?) because they’ve moved in to “help out” and isn’t technically a homeowner. But the letter writer has a real stake in this and I think should have a voice in planning events, since they’re the only one living there who’s tasked with setup and tear-down.
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Q: Our best friends’ kids suck: My husband and I have been together for five years, married for a few months. Our best friends are another couple with a 6- and a 3-year-old. We’re very close with this couple, and we love spending time with them. The problem is their kids. When my husband and I first started dating, their oldest was less than a year old, which made it easier to make plans and socialize with them almost every weekend. As the kids have gotten older and they’ve added a second, spending time with them has turned into something I’ve come to dread. Their kids are completely incapable of playing by themselves and are constantly seeking attention. Their parents do nothing to discourage this behavior. This constant attention continues until bedtime, which we are encouraged to help with and sometimes can take two hours. Then their parents fall asleep on the sofa and we shrug and go home. When they do come to us, the kids are really destructive with our things and pick on our pets. Again, the parents do nothing to stop this and have several times playfully called me uptight or told me to chill out when I try and step in.
These are our best friends and we really used to enjoy spending time with them. My husband feels the same way. Everything we’ve suggested—coming over after bedtime, getting a sitter and going out, spending time together individually while the other watches the kids—has been shot down by them. Is this friendship over until the kids are much older? Are we just being idiot nonparents and not getting that this is how friendships are after kids? We don’t have this problem with our other friends with kids.
A: I don’t think you’re being idiots. I do think you’ve discovered the natural limit in terms of what you can say to your friends about it—you’ve asked them to focus less on their kids and they’ve told you to butt out, and you ought to respect that. To a certain degree I think it’s inevitable that a 3-year-old needs pretty constant parental supervision, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable for your best friends to want you to occasionally hang out with the kids and read a few books at bedtime. But it’s also normal, understandable, and desirable to want to get together sans kids once in a while, and I think it’s a shame that they always turn down your requests to have some adults-only time. Figure out how often you’re willing to play with the kids while talking to your friends—maybe that’s once a month, maybe it’s a little less often— and stick to that until the kids get older and you can get their parents back off the couch.
Q. Re: So much of a good thing: “I feel like a bad friend for only replying to Facebook messages once every few weeks. How do people do this?” They don’t. You are putting way too much pressure on yourself that only will get worse as people get married, have kids, change careers, et cetera. It’s perfectly natural for people to lose touch, or at best see each other way less often. My friends are scattered around the globe and in every stage of raising families as you can imagine. I’m lucky if I can see some of them once every two years, and maybe chat on text or on Facebook every other month or so. My point: You’re already doing enough and if you want to slack off a bit, that’s cool too. If the friendships are meant to be, they’ll survive a few months of just commenting on one another’s posts.
A. I agree—the letter writer is trying to balance a ton of things all at once, and I feel like most people understand that friendships go through different seasons, especially when jobs/travel/relationships/kids/health issues get in the way. None of the letter writer’s friends seem to be complaining about feeling left out, so I think a lot of this pressure is internal.
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From Care and Feeding
Q. Can we give our 17-year-old a bedtime? I feel like sometime soon (maybe now) that my teens are almost adults and should make their own bedtime choices. My husband thinks they should still have a bedtime of 10:30.
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The Last Word: Michael Caine on the First Time He Got High and the Role He Regrets Most – Rolling Stone
From the start, few mistook Michael Caine for typical movie-star material. “I had a thick Cockney accent and I was a tall, skinny guy,” Caine recalls.
The situation was compounded during the filming of one of his first hits, 1965’s spy thriller The Ipcress File: “I wore glasses, and during the movie I tried to seduce a woman by cooking a meal for her in my kitchen. We got a note back from Hollywood saying, ‘Leading man looks gay — wears glasses, cooks and shops in groceries.’”
Yet Caine went on to become one of Hollywood’s leading freaks and geeks, appearing in more than 170 films and playing everything from the morally corrupt philanderer in Alfie to Austin Powers’ dad and butler Alfred in Christopher Nolan’s Dark Night trilogy. At 85, he’s hardly slowing down — when he spoke to Rolling Stone last fall, he was filming Medieval, a historical drama about Wenceslas and the Czech revolution, due this year — and his appeal remains the same. “In the Sixties, we were the first working-class people to become movie stars,” he says. “The reason for that was that people didn’t worship us, really. They just said, ‘Oh, here’s a man just like me, so we’re the same, you know. And I bet if I met him he’d talk to me and have a beer.’” He’s also recently published his second memoir, Blowing the Bloody Doors Off: And Other Lessons in Life.
What’s your criteria for saying yes to a movie role?
Well it’s gotta be somewhere I want to go, it mustn’t be too long, and the money must be good. And of course, the part must be good.
Every actor has a role they regret turning down. What was yours?
I never made that kind of mistake. I only made the ones in the opposite direction — what I didn’t say no to.
Like On Deadly Ground, where you played a villain opposite Steven Seagal?
It wasn’t one of my dream experiences, to put it nicely. We were in Alaska. He was quite pleasant, but I never saw much of him; he never came out of his motorhome very much. He was one of the top whatever it is — jiu-jitsu, whatever it is they do. I’d never argue with him. I didn’t want him to throw me over.
You almost retired in the Nineties, but Jack Nicholson talked you out of it. What did he say to convince you?
I got a script from a producer and he said, “You play the father, not the lover,” and I thought, “Oh, I’m retired, it’s over, forget it.” I emigrated to Miami for the winter, and Jack was living there and we became friends. I decided I wasn’t going to work again and then Jack said, “I’ve got a movie called Blood and Wine, and there’s a very good part for you in it,” and he talked me into doing it. The lesson was: Never give up.
Who was your hero?
Winston Churchill. I was in a youth club when I was a boy and I was the head of a little drama group. I was about 14, and Winston Churchill was one of our patrons and used to come every year and have tea with us. I had tea with him about three times. He was lovely and very funny, and very nice to us.
What advice do you wish you could give your younger self?
If you’re going through hell, keep going. I had a very hellish time when I was young. I came out of the army when I was 20 and immediately succumbed to malaria I’d picked up in Korea. I came out the other side, but just you’ve got to keep going.
Also, you can’t ruin my career now by giving me a bad review. I’m all right. I’m OK now. I got to a certain age where I went, “OK, it’s all right, mate. Stop worrying.”
If you could tell your younger self not to do a certain movie, which would it be?
The Swarm. It’s about [killer] bees. I did it without reading the script, because I said, “Who’s in it?” and they gave this me great big star list: Henry Fonda, Olivia de Havilland, Jose Ferrer. I said, “I’ll do it.” One day we were all having a conversation with live bees above us, and suddenly we noticed all these little black dots on our shirts. The bees were shitting on us. And so the first review was in, but we didn’t know it at the time.
What was the most self-indulgent purchase you’ve made?
In the Sixties, after I’d just made Alfie, The Ipcress File and Zulu, I had enough money to buy a Rolls-Royce, so I went out and bought one. I couldn’t drive, so I had to rent a chauffeur. Very expensive, and I never did anything that stupid again. I only kept it for a couple years, then sold it. Once you become famous you don’t want a Rolls-Royce because everybody looks to see who’s inside it. I’ve now got gray cars that everyone drives. No one ever looks in my car.
What was your drug intake like during the Sixties?
I knew all the Beatles, all the Rolling Stones. I knew everybody in the music business and we spent our lives in discotheques. I drank alcohol quite heavily for some time. But I never did any drugs. I was at a party with [actor] Richard Harris and I said, “I’ve never smoked marijuana,” and he said, “Well, smoke one.” I smoked the marijuana and I must have been terribly tense, because I laughed for five hours. I couldn’t get a taxi home because I was standing at one o’clock in the morning on the pavement trying to wave a taxi: “I’m not picking him up, he’s nuts or drunk.” Also, I was told by my doctor not to do it. He said, “You’re an actor, you’ve got to remember lines, and marijuana is murder for the memory.”
And at one point you were smoking 80 cigarettes a day?
Oh yeah, and they were French cigarettes, Gauloises, one of the most extremely powerful brands you could think of. They weren’t even cork-tipped to filter them a little bit. But I was watching television in England, and there was a snooker player I knew who had lung cancer and had lost his voice and had the thing in his throat to speak. I’ve never smoked again.
You’ve been married for 47 years. What’s the secret?
You must have separate bathrooms. You’ve got to be able to spend some time out of the way of each other. We never share a bathroom. Never. Ever. If you start to get into trouble, buy a new bathroom.
What was your favorite book as a kid and what did it say about you?
It was an American book by a woman called Ayn Rand called The Fountainhead. It was about a man’s journey through life, a John Wayne–ish type who was very poor and trying to become a success. So it struck a little bit of a note with me. My eldest daughter is named after Dominique, the heroine of the book.
About a decade ago you released a mixtape album, Cained, that featured a lot of chill-out electronic remixes. Why that genre?
It’s more clever than the rest. It’s smoother and, you know, more romantic. I love it. I made the tapes for my family. I made about a dozen of them, but Cained wasn’t a success so they never asked me to make another one. But my daughters and everyone put them in their cars.
If you were to make a mixtape now, what current song would you put on it?
There’s a song I love in Dear Evan Hansen, the musical, called “Waving Through a Window.” It’s about a lonely young man who’s looking out the window and there’s no one there for him. That never happened to me, but I sympathize with people who did experience that. It’s my favorite song of the moment. Just try it.
You were one of the first major actors to play gay roles, in movies like California Suite and Deathtrap. Today no one bats an eye when actors play characters of a different sexuality, but what did you hear at the time?
It was a bit dicey to do — people said it could be a career killer and what are the girls going to think of you? A couple of people said, “Do you really want to do it, Michael? People will think you’re gay.” I said, “No, they won’t. They know I’m an actor.” I loved doing that. Many of my friends were gay, so I’d studied them and their movements and speech, so I basically knew what I was doing. And the parts were so very good. I’d never kissed a man on the lips before. Chris Reeve and I had to do a romantic scene [in Deathtrap]. Neither of us had ever kissed another man before, so we drank a couple of brandies. Then when it came time for the dialogue, we couldn’t remember it. So the kiss was a bit of a disaster.
As a Brit, what do you think of Brexit?
I’m all for Brexit. I was reading about that EU government and that they have the most luxurious offices of anybody in the world. I thought, “Mmmm, I see where we’re going with this.” I’m a right-wing socialist or a left-wing conservative. I believe in the working class, but I also believe capitalism will get the most money for them, because I notice when they start to put taxes on the rich, they all leave my country and go away and then the poor get less money. I’d rather be a poor master than a rich servant.
You interviewed Paul McCartney in your recent documentary My Generation. Which Beatle were you closest to?
I knew John quite well, but George and I were neighbors and we used to go to each other’s houses for dinner. I never did that with Paul or John. I invited George to dinner one evening and he brought what we thought was a guitar and we thought he was going to sing for us and we were all excited. What I didn’t know was that George was the president of the George Formby fan club. He was a famous, very funny singer who used to sing these silly songs. George had brought a ukulele and sang George Formby songs all evening. Which were great, but it was such a surprise.
What was one new thing you learned about McCartney during your interview?
He said one day he was coming out somewhere, waiting to get a cab, and the Rolling Stones — or maybe just Mick and Keith — came along in a cab and said, “Where are you going? We’re going to a party. You want to come?” He and John got in the cab. The Stones were making their first LP, and Paul said to them, “How’s it going?” and they said, “Well, it’s going great but we don’t think we’ve got a Number One yet.” And Paul said to them, “Well, John and I have just written a song — we’ll give it to you and see what you think.” And the Stones recorded it [“I Wanna Be Your Man”] and it became their first Number One. That’s the story Paul told me.
You worked with Beyoncé on Austin Powers in Goldmember. What did you take away from working with her?
I knew she was a singer and had a group. I asked her one day, “What do you want to do with your life, Be-yons?” I always called her “Be-yons.” And she said, “I want to win the Academy Award for acting.” She was very good in the movie, a very competent actress, and I thought she could get somewhere with this. She’s gone far beyond my world. She’s so big now.
You won an Oscar for Woody Allen’s Hannah and Her Sisters. What would you do if you were offered a role in a new movie of his?
If he had a trial and someone proved he had done something, I wouldn’t do it. No. But I didn’t read of him being on trial and being found guilty or fined or sent to prison or anything. This is all things that people say. You can’t go on hearsay the whole time.
What are your most important rules to live by?
I don’t go to church but I do believe in God. If you were me, you would have to, because how the hell this happened to me, I don’t know. I was a nobody from nowhere who knew nothing and just set out to do something without requiring fame, money, recognition, anything.
What’s the best advice you ever received?
John Wayne said, “Never wear suede shoes,” pointing at my shoes. I said, “Why not?” He said, “’Cause you’re gonna be famous, and you’re gonna be in the toilet taking a piss and the guy next door to you is going to turn and recognize you and piss all over your shoes, kid.” I gave all my suede shoes away to people who were unknown.
Did you pass his advice along to them?
No. I didn’t mention a word. I wanted them to take the shoes.
Man seeks advice online after his mother tries to break up him and his girlfriend – Daily Mail
‘Is this relationship inappropriate?’ 20-year-old sparks fierce online debate after revealing his mother is trying to break up him and his girlfriend – who is also his STEP-SISTER
- An unnamed male started dating his girlfriend when they were 14 years old
- After their relationship started, his mother and her father started dating
- The parents have since married and made it clear they don’t like the couple together because they are now considered siblings
- The man sought advice on Reddit for how to handle the situation since he loves his girlfriend and has been with her for six years
- The couple did not want to break up because their parents go together
Danielle Zoellner For Dailymail.com
A man has sought advice online over his mom trying to break up him and his girlfriend’s relationship after they became step-siblings because their parents married.
The family problems were revealed in a Reddit post earlier this month where the 20-year-old man wanted others to help him with the difficult situation.
‘My girlfriend and I were childhood friends turned high school/college sweethearts,’ the man wrote at the beginning of his post.
Crazy: A 20-year-old male started dating his girlfriend when they were 14 years old. After their relationship started, his mother and her father started dating (stock picture)
‘We are both 20 now and have been dating since we were 14,’ he continued.
His mom and his girlfriend’s dad, who are both divorced from their previous partners, started dating after their children were already together and the parents recently married each other.
‘Weirdly enough, while they were just dating they were totally fine with my girlfriend and I being together, but it pretty much changed immediately when they got married last year and moved in together,’ the man wrote.
Problem arose after the wedding when his mom started to refer to his girlfriend as his ‘sister’, which lead the man to believe the parents are trying to split them up despite their six-year-long relationship.
He wrote: ‘I think she is doing it on purpose to get under my skin.’
The couple currently lives in the household with the parents because the man’s father and the woman’s mother are not an option to help them. They both go to a state college and can not afford to pay rent at this time.
‘Our parents have become laser focused on breaking us up, calling us brother and sister at every opportunity and lecturing us about how disgusting it is, asking us aren’t we embarrassed that our friends know, saying that it’s not anyone’s fault that they got married first and this is just the way it has to be,’ the post continued.
‘I love this girl and have spent my life with her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I just can’t stomach breaking up when we are fine and it is this bizarre outside circumstance trying to drive a wedge between us.’
Our parents have become laser focused on breaking us up
The man wanted to know if it was ‘inapppopriate no matter what to date your “stepsister” who you live with’ in his Reddit post.
Commenters appeared to be on the side of the boyfriend and girlfriend because their relationship started prior to their parents dating.
‘You and your girlfriend have been together far longer than your parents,’ one commenter wrote.
‘Your parents are ones who are making it weird. If anything, your friends probably think it’s weird that your parents got married and are trying to break the two of you up after six years.’
Other people advised for the couple to make their parents uncomfortable in a similar way to prove how terrible they are making the situation.
‘Since your parents are being so demeaning and gross, especially when you and your gf got together, I would definitely just take it up a notch,’ another commenter advised.
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In recent years lawmakers across America have been implementing policies meant to protect working mothers who breastfeed or pump at work. State by state, labor and building codes are changing to help pumping mothers get out of bathrooms, and at the federal level, the Fair Labor Standards Act (FLSA) covers basic accommodations and break times for working, nursing moms.
But not every working mother in America is covered by the FLSA’s Break Time for Nursing Mothers law and even some who should be protected by the FLSA find their working environment is not complying with the law.
What happens to mothers who point out that they’re being discriminated against? Unfortunately, most of the time, they lose money fighting for their rights and in two-thirds of cases they ultimately lose their jobs.
This according to a new report by the Pregnancy Accommodation Working Group, an initiative of the Center for WorkLife Law at the University of California, Hastings College of the Law, which tracked the outcomes of breastfeeding discrimination legal cases filed by workers over the last decade.
“Breastfeeding discrimination is widespread and can have devastating consequences for women and their families” says Liz Morris, a co-author of the report. “Despite a patchwork of laws giving legal rights to breastfeeding employees, millions still do not have the basic legal protections they need. Workers are losing their jobs to feed their babies,” she continues.
The report highlights a few very concerning gaps in breastfeeding protections: Many workers in some predominantly female-professions, like nursing and teaching, find themselves exempt from the federal legal protections for breastfeeding workers. And things aren’t necessarily easier if you’re in one of the male-dominated professions.
Women are underrepresented in the ranks of law enforcement and other first responders, but women in these male-dominated fields are over represented in the number of breastfeeding discrimination claims, filing about 46% of them.”Our community helpers, like first responders and teachers, have given so much to us–yet we haven’t even given them the basic breastfeeding time and space they deserve” says Jessica Lee, a co-author of the report.
Moms let down by policy and employers
Simone Teagle is a New York City police officer who came back from a three month maternity leave with the intention of pumping for her son. She says pumping in a non-private break room was tough—a co-worker compared her to a cow—but often having to go for nine hours without pumping at all was tougher. She says she was harassed when she tried to take breaks to pump. Not pumping resulted in painful mastitis, and Teagle eventually took legal action and was reassigned to another precinct, according to news reports.
In many other cases, women who complain and raise the issue in the hopes of advocating for themselves and those who come after them don’t get reassigned, they get terminated or forced out.
Kate Frederick was working at the New Hampshire Department of Health and Human Services when her son was born in 2012. He would not take a bottle, but she felt lucky to find a day care right across the street from her office. “I totally assumed that since it was Health and Human Services and all that it wouldn’t be a problem to feed him at his daycare. I didn’t anticipate any resistance,” Frederick says.
But she did face resistance. Despite having a doctor’s note (and despite the fact that other employees left the office during breaks to run to Dunkin’ Donuts) she says her supervisor said no. She says she was also told she couldn’t nurse her baby in the office lactation room, as it was intended for pumping, not nursing. Eventually Frederick was fired. She took legal action, and her case is scheduled to go before a jury in September 2019.
Susan Van Son, a correctional officer, couldn’t even get her manual breast pump into her workplace legally. The New York Times explains how over the course of “two nights, she sneaked in every piece of the pump, save for one. Ms. Van Son’s breasts weren’t big enough to conceal the funnel, so she enlisted a better-endowed colleague to shuttle it in for her.”
Understandably, Van Son left that job. So did a nurse who was bullied about her pumping breaks. So did a mother in the Air Force. So did an insurance company staffer who says her supervisor pressured her to quit and even dictated the resignation letter.
Finding a solution
Morris, Lee and their co-author, Joan C. Williams, compiled so many more stories like these in their report, but they also believe there is a solution that would protect moms from losing their jobs over pumping.
According to the trio, “robust breastfeeding laws already in effect in a number of states have been proven to work.” They say workplace lactation policies need to offer universal coverage, with no employer exemption, recognize diverse physical needs and circumstances and reasonable accommodations, include functional space requirements and strong enforcement mechanisms and be economically realistic.
It’s a tall order, to be sure, but San Fransisco got pretty close with its new law, one policy makers at all levels of government might want to check out, because it’s time to recognize that the Break Time for Working Mothers provision to the FLSA leaves a lot of workers out. This is because it was passed as an amendment to an existing law regarding overtime pay, and so workers in certain professions (hello, teachers pumping in cars) aren’t covered.
When it comes to protecting breastfeeding parents at work, America has certainly made some great strides in the last decade, but there is more work to be done to protect mothers who are just trying to feed their babies.