Category Archives: Marriage & Divorce
Carolyn Hax: Marriage begins to unravel after kids fly the coop – Midland Daily News
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Keep clicking or swiping through the slideshow for “Day of the Dead Celebrations”
Keep clicking or swiping through the slideshow for “Day of the Dead Celebrations”
Photo: Jamie Grill, Getty Images
Keep clicking or swiping through the slideshow for “Day of the Dead Celebrations”
Keep clicking or swiping through the slideshow for “Day of the Dead Celebrations”
Photo: Jamie Grill, Getty Images
Dear Carolyn:
After 30 years of marriage, my wife and I have come to the realization that we have nothing in common. It hasn’t always been this way. Even with our cultural differences — my wife emigrated from Central America at 20; I’m third-generation Japanese American — there was an instant connection. We had kids right away and were always in agreement about how to raise them, and there were always school events and sports to keep us busy.
As the kids grew up and moved out, our problems became more apparent. She can be self-centered and controlling, and gets very upset if things don’t go her way. We can’t dance at parties because she only wants to dance her way. She got extremely upset when I made decisions on care for my aging parents. She gets upset if I ask her what she wants to do on a weekend; she wants me to find something she’ll like.
There were early signs. When we first started living together, for example, she would complain if I read a book while she watched Spanish-language TV.
My wife also doesn’t show any interest in things I like. Even though I don’t speak Spanish well, I have fun watching her soap operas and going to Spanish-language concerts. If I try to talk to her about current events, sports, movies or music, I’m met with indifference. She only seems concerned with what I can do for her.
Therapy hasn’t really helped. I think I’ve made changes; my wife doesn’t feel like she needs to change. It’s always what I need to change. We’ve talked about divorce, but it seems like we should be able to work through this. There are no deal-breaking issues like cheating, just a serious lack of communication. I’m not sure what to do.
— Looking for Something More
With all due respect, I’d say there’s an excess of communication.
At least, there is plenty on the negative and futile end of the scale.
You are trying and trying to converse — on news, sports, arts, and in therapy — and in the process communicating your hopes of converting her into an engaged and chatty companion. Your efforts to share her interests and meet her needs communicate this, too, in their ways.
She, for her part, is communicating with you all over the place. The emotional outbursts, the indifference to your conversation attempts, and the stubborn resistance to change are all forms of communication and her message is clear: She is available to you strictly as-is, so don’t look for anything different from her.
Whether this is healthy, good or kind, and whether you accept or like this about her, are all apparently beside her point. As-is. Take-leave.
So my advice is to move yourself deliberately to the positive and productive end of the scale with full knowledge of her as-is terms. Since she’s not budging, anything that hinges on her changing the way she does things is not productive and therefore is out. Your dwelling on what you and she no longer talk about or share? That’s negative, so that’s out. Reacting when she gets upset is negative and counterproductive and out. You get the idea.
What’s in: Dance your way, warmheartedly. And look for what she does offer you now. Don’t be stingy; even shared history and financial stability have value. Find what pleasures you can in your present reality — both the good things about her company, and the good things about having more room to develop varied interests than you’ve had in three decades.
Maybe you need to stay interesting to yourselves and each other through some smaller, separate pursuits. Kids are 20-year collaborations, each. You and your wife were good partners in these projects — excellent. It seems unrealistic, though, to think you can subtract this consuming purpose from your daily lives without consequence.
Explore this positive and productive side of the scale, as creatively as you need to and as transparently as any marriage deserves, then assess: Can you live happily in a marriage built out of the material you have, versus the material you keep trying in vain to get?
And don’t get hung up on what you “should” be “able to” accomplish. There is only what you do, what you have, and how you feel.
As for her controlling and selfish nature: It’s emphatically not OK. But if I read things correctly, she was controlly before kids and after but not (problematically) during. If so, then maybe the project — the purpose — really is the thing. Maybe she’s bored and adrift; people sometimes micromanage less when there’s more to do. Maybe your marriage needs something to do.
It has high mileage, and “instant connection” pheromones well out of warranty, yet you’re asking it to be enough, alone, to keep you both happy — which you’ve never asked of it before. Why not use your happier years as a script? Find a purpose and put it to work. Divorce can wait while you give it a try.
Tips for creating a wedding registry | Life – New Baltimore Voice Newspapers
Building a wedding registry is a task unlike any other couples may encounter during their lifetimes. Wedding registries are invaluable resources that provide engaged couples’ loved ones with gift suggestions. In spite of that value, couples may find it daunting and even a little uncomfortable to build their wedding registries.
Building a wedding registry can feel like walking a tightrope. Couples likely won’t want to ask for too much or for gifts that are too expensive, but a poorly built registry can be a major inconvenience for guests. The following tips can help couples build adequate registries that benefit them without asking too much of their guests.
• Register with more than one store. It’s important to register with more than one store. Doing so makes things as convenient as possible for guests and increases the chances they will be able to shop at stores they’re familiar with. Unless your guest list is predominantly local, try to register with at least one national chain so guests who live in different regions can shop for gifts in-person if they prefer to do so.
• Make a large list. Some couples are hesitant to make large wedding registries, feeling that doing so gives the impression that they’re asking for too much. But large registries simply give guests more options to choose from. Many industry insiders advise registering for two to three gifts per guest. That might seem like a lot, but guests will appreciate having all of those options.
• Don’t hesitate to include expensive items on your registry. Couples also may be hesitant to include especially expensive items on their wedding registries. However, the couples’ parents and other close relatives may be honored to purchase more expensive items, so couples should not feel embarrassed to include them on their lists. It’s also important to note that many retailers, after couples’ wedding days have come and gone, discount registry items that weren’t purchased. So even if no one purchases the more expensive items, including them on a registry may significantly reduce their cost for couples who want to buy such items themselves after tying the knot.
• Vary the prices of items on the list. In addition to including more expensive items on the registry, make sure to include moderately priced and inexpensive items. This gives guests more options and ensures guests who might be spending a lot to travel to and from the wedding can still purchase gifts without digging too much deeper into their pockets.
• Periodically update the registries. Periodically update your registries to remove items you have already received and to add items if many of the less expensive ones have already been purchased. This also makes things more convenient for guests.
Building a wedding registry is a unique task that couples can embrace as their wedding day draws near.
Story courtesy of Metro Creative Connection.
Tips for creating a wedding registry | Lifestyles | themorningsun.com – The Morning Sun
Building a wedding registry is a task unlike any other couples may encounter during their lifetimes. Wedding registries are invaluable resources that provide engaged couples’ loved ones with gift suggestions. In spite of that value, couples may find it daunting and even a little uncomfortable to build their wedding registries.
Building a wedding registry can feel like walking a tightrope. Couples likely won’t want to ask for too much or for gifts that are too expensive, but a poorly built registry can be a major inconvenience for guests. The following tips can help couples build adequate registries that benefit them without asking too much of their guests.
• Register with more than one store. It’s important to register with more than one store. Doing so makes things as convenient as possible for guests and increases the chances they will be able to shop at stores they’re familiar with. Unless your guest list is predominantly local, try to register with at least one national chain so guests who live in different regions can shop for gifts in-person if they prefer to do so.
• Make a large list. Some couples are hesitant to make large wedding registries, feeling that doing so gives the impression that they’re asking for too much. But large registries simply give guests more options to choose from. Many industry insiders advise registering for two to three gifts per guest. That might seem like a lot, but guests will appreciate having all of those options.
• Don’t hesitate to include expensive items on your registry. Couples also may be hesitant to include especially expensive items on their wedding registries. However, the couples’ parents and other close relatives may be honored to purchase more expensive items, so couples should not feel embarrassed to include them on their lists. It’s also important to note that many retailers, after couples’ wedding days have come and gone, discount registry items that weren’t purchased. So even if no one purchases the more expensive items, including them on a registry may significantly reduce their cost for couples who want to buy such items themselves after tying the knot.
• Vary the prices of items on the list. In addition to including more expensive items on the registry, make sure to include moderately priced and inexpensive items. This gives guests more options and ensures guests who might be spending a lot to travel to and from the wedding can still purchase gifts without digging too much deeper into their pockets.
• Periodically update the registries. Periodically update your registries to remove items you have already received and to add items if many of the less expensive ones have already been purchased. This also makes things more convenient for guests.
Building a wedding registry is a unique task that couples can embrace as their wedding day draws near.
Story courtesy of Metro Creative Connection.
Time flies when you enjoy a happy marriage – Otago Daily Times
The secret to a good marriage is knowing when to say no, knowing when to say yes — and trying never to confuse the two.
That is Otago Peninsula farmer George Murray’s advice after celebrating his 60th wedding anniversary with his wife Shirley, nee Foster, on Thursday.
“The time has just come around, perhaps a bit too quickly,” Mr Murray said.
The couple have four daughters, nine grandchildren, and four great grand-children — and are holding a reunion of sorts tomorrow in honour of the occasion.
“It will be quite a wee gathering,” Mrs Murray (80) said.
The pair met on a blind date when Mr Murray (82) was 20 and shearing in Middlemarch, and she was an 18-year-old working as a shorthand typist in the post office in Dunedin.
The blind date was organised by a colleague of hers who was also going out with a man from Middlemarch.
There was definitely an “attraction at the start” and from there the pair got to know each other gradually, Mrs Murray said.
As to the reason for the longevity of their marriage, she thought working together had helped keep the pair close.
“The time has just gone so quickly.
“It’s been a very busy life.”
She grew up in Dunedin, while Mr Murray was from Sandymount, moving to Middlemarch after he left school and going to work on a property that was “overrun with rabbits”.
The pair married two years after they met, and lived in Middlemarch for three years among the “rock and the tussock”, before moving to Hoopers Inlet on the Otago Peninsula, Mr Murray said. They had lived in the area since.
Mr Murray only retired from farming in the last year. For the past 22 years, they had been living in a house they had built.
