Category Archives: Marriage & Divorce
Husband tells daughters of his desire to cheat before telling his wife – Detroit Free Press
Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My husband recently told me he had fallen for another woman. I was stunned, but even more when he said he had informed my daughters of his desires before he spoke to me. Both daughters stood up to him, he and I have come to a fragile understanding that he really does want to stay in the marriage, but I can’t get over the breach of him confiding in his own children before me.
I recently opened up to the eldest child and, while remaining respectful of their father and cognizant that our marriage will continue, gave her a tiny bit of insight into her father’s less-than-stellar behaviors throughout our marriage. I told her I still loved him, but felt she needed to understand his happy-go-lucky approach came at a price … my fear.
She seemed content, she and I agreed it was a conversation she needed to hear, and this will end all talk of our marital life. Have I really crossed a huge line?
– Stunned
Without knowing what you actually said, I can’t say whether you crossed a line. And I can’t know whether you will honor your pledge not to put her in the middle again – a huge factor.
Read more:
What interests me more here is why, why, why you want to stay married to this man. By your own description, if I read you correctly, you live in fear. Whose company is worth that?
Re: Stunned: “I was stunned … he had informed my daughters of his desires before he spoke to me”: What’s stunning here is his total lack of respect for you. As Carolyn said, why do you love someone who has no respect for you?
– Anonymous
Dear Carolyn: Silly question: I have a neighbor who I run into a few times a week as we walk our respective dogs, and for the past six months she has made a variation of the same joke EVERY SINGLE TIME. It’s based on an aspect of my appearance that changed around then, and is not mean or insulting, but I’m over it from sheer repetition. I think it started as a legit “wow!” reaction, and the fact that I replied jokingly as if I was unaware of the change made it seem like “our schtick.”
I’ve tried to change up my responses, from a flat, “Yep, still there,” to a non sequitur about a different topic, but she keeps doing it. To flat-out say, “Stop commenting on this aspect of my appearance,” seems rude, though I have a feeling this straightforward approach will be your suggestion? She has taken even the hint of criticism poorly in the past, and the fact that we are just friendly acquaintances having short chats makes me hesitant to be as direct as I would with a friend. I just really want this “joke” to die.
– Yep, Still There
“Yep, I’m officially out of responses. Can we start a new joke?” Direct but light. If even that fails, yes, just direct: “Please stop commenting on this aspect of my appearance. Thank you.”
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
Read or Share this story: https://www.freep.com/story/life/advice/2019/01/19/husband-cheating-marriage/2512533002/
Dear John: 'My boyfriend thinks having babies will ruin my body' – 9Honey
John Aiken, is a relationship and dating expert featured on Nine’s hit show Married At First Sight. He is a best-selling author, regularly appears on radio and in magazines, and runs exclusive couples’ retreats.
Every Saturday John joins 9Honey exclusively to answer your questions on love and relationships*.
If you have a question for John, email: dearjohn@nine.com.au.
Dear John,
I have been in a relationship for 7.5 years with a good and decent man whom I love dearly. We each have our own houses and don’t live together. He was widowed several years ago and I have been divorced for many years. We each have an adult son.
He has met all my family, friends and even my workmates, but I haven’t met any of his…ever.
Apparently, his son who is now in his 30s with children of his own, said when his dad first started dating again that he didn’t want to know about any relationships his dad had, or meet the woman involved. Now, I can understand that when a teenager is grieving for his mum – but not 15 years on.
I did ask him about it and I joke about being “The Invisible Woman”, but I don’t find it funny. It makes me feel like he is ashamed of me in some way.
In the very beginning, he was very clear that he didn’t want to marry again, saying four of his exes had wanted that. That was fine with me. But sadly, in the last couple of years, I have changed my mind and I would love to get married again, but I know that’s not going to happen. I asked casually recently if he thought he’d be open to a live-in relationship at all and was met with an emphatic “No”. I know he likes his own space, but I was disappointed.
We get on well and talk every day. I really would be heartbroken not to see him again. What should I do?
‘I joke about being the ‘Invisible Woman’ but I don’t find it funny.’ (Unsplash)
The situation you have on your hands is very straightforward. You’re in love with a guy who only wants a ‘semi-relationship’. He’s keen on seeing you regularly, being intimate, talking everyday but not taking it to the next level. He won’t live with you or introduce you to his close circle of family and friends. So you end up getting some of the benefits of a relationship, but not all of them. It’s frustrating but it’s the way that it is. You need to change your mindset and get on board with being the ‘invisible woman’, or else cut ties and go after someone who can give you something more substantial.
What you need to realise is that this man will never change. He’s had four previous girlfriends that told him they wanted more and he said ‘no’ to all of them. So you’re not different. This is him and he will not be stepping up and giving you more commitment. This may be because of him losing his wife, or it could be simply due to his inflexible and stubborn nature. In the end it doesn’t really matter ‘why’, you just need embrace this and accept it. He’s not changing – end of story. That means he’s not going to tell you he loves you, you’re not meeting his family and friends, and he’s never going to have a live in relationship with you.
So the question you have to ask yourself is ‘do I want this?” With all the available men out there, is he really the best you can do? Is he your soul mate? Is he ever going to really satisfy your relationship needs? At the end of the day, the problem is all yours, not his. He’s told you what he’s prepared to give you and now it’s over to you to say yes or no. What’s important here is for you to realise that what you see from him is what you’re always going to get.
So stop your complaining and make a decision. Either you’re totally going to embrace this man and accept that he will only ever give you a ‘semi-relationship’ and you’re going to be totally ok with this. Or else you meet with him, look him in the eye, and tell him you want a committed relationship with a man who can satisfy your needs – and he’s not that guy. Then break up with him and cut all contact and move on. Either way, making a decision will set you free and release you from limbo.
Dear John,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. I am not sure what to do with our relationship anymore as there are a lot of deal breakers but I can’t seem to leave.
I have always wanted to get married and have children, but have been told I will never get to do either with him and if I want to do that I need to find someone else. He thinks children are a waste of time and would ruin my body.
For a while I thought maybe I could live without these things but to me they are huge things to give up.
My other issue is that he does drugs, and I am someone who is very against them. He only does them on occasion and it isn’t a regular thing. I once asked him ‘if he had to choose between me and drugs, what would he pick?’ and I wasn’t his choice.
He also drinks excessively and I am weekly dragging him to bed from the couch at ridiculous hours in the morning — when he drinks he gets very mean and nasty towards me.
He has also lied to me about some very serious issues that could affect our future but according to him it’s not my business because it all happened before we were together.
My family have expressed their concern for me and said they don’t like how he manipulates me into doing everything he wants and makes me give up my life goals. They have also said they don’t want to be around him or have him around my sisters’ children. My family mean everything to me and I don’t like upsetting them and I can see how much it is affecting them seeing me upset most of the time.
My boyfriend can be very caring and I can see he loves me but I have noticed it is only when it suits him. He likes to tell me that my emotions are wrong and that I always overreact to things that I shouldn’t.
I am 25 years old and am scared that if I stay when I am older he will leave me and I will have given up everything I wanted for nothing.
Am I being a fool thinking he will change?
‘He told me having babies would ruin my body’ (Unsplash)
Yes.
There is so much wrong with your boyfriend I’m not sure where to begin! You’ve chosen to be with a guy who doesn’t want kids, who does drugs (and openly choses them over you), he drinks excessively, he’s emotionally abusive, he lies to you and your family hates him. Frankly, he’s so wrong for you it’s remarkable that you’ve lasted this long together. Will he change – no. Will you be happy with him – no. Will you be together long-term – no. So it’s time to wake up and start being more loving to yourself. Enlist the help of others to get away from him and go and work on your self-esteem.
There is an old saying ‘you date at your level of self-esteem’. Right now, you’re clearly feeling very low about yourself and therefore you’re choosing to stay with a guy who is clearly very bad for you. And he doesn’t help matters, as he’s emotionally abusive and makes you feel small, insecure and helpless. So whenever you feel strong and re-gain your voice, he puts you back in your place and tears you down. It’s a toxic pattern and you’re in a very disempowering cycle of abuse.
I’m here to tell you that you can do better than this guy. You’re a strong woman with a huge amount to offer in a long-term relationship. However, you’re never going to realise this unless you cut ties and move on from this guy. However, that’s much easier said than done. I’m sure there have been times when you’ve thought about it, but he’s pulled you back in with promises of change. The only way you’re going to ever get away from this toxic relationship is to bring in the cavalry – your family. You cannot do this on your own. They know what this guy is really like, they want you to break free from him and they’re ready to fight for you.
So it’s time to reach out to them and get them to help you do what you fear the most – break-up with him. Go and see your family and come up with a plan together on how you’re going to do it. I would suggest doing a break-up text or a phone call, rather than a face to face meeting. Do not see him again in person as he’s too manipulative. Instead, get them to collect your things from his house, and go and live with your family members or friends. Change your phone number and go cold turkey. Remember – there must be absolutely no contact as he’ll pull you back in if this happens. Once you’ve done this, focus on you and increasing your self-esteem.
Get fit, eat well, prioritise sleep, follow your own passions/goals, see a counsellor and catch-up with your friends. In time, you’ll start to love yourself again, and in turn your next relationship will be a much more positive one.
Dear John,
I have been facing problems in my marriage — not that my husband is the problem but his sisters are a serious problem.
When we started dating things were fine and we got along without any problems.Both their parents are late and both sisters are over the age of 30 with children. Then, when the brother told them it’s time for him to start his own family with me they started having attitude. My relationship with them turned from sweet to sour, they even asked him in front of me if the whole marriage won’t change the things he does for them.
The wedding happened and we found out we were expecting. Then, things started being really bad. They sisters used to come to our place and attack me in front of my mother, telling me how I don’t deserve to be their brother’s wife. It even went to a point where they involved my husband’s ex in this whole thing.
My little boy is six months now, all of a sudden I received a call from the younger sister asking if it was possible for us to meet together with the brother since she had problems that needed both me and the brother’s attention. To my surprise, she came to tell us that the ancestors are angry that they don’t know the little boy.
This whole experience is draining even though my husband did put his foot down I know for sure it’s stressing him out.
‘My husband’s sisters are a serious problem.’ (Unsplash)
I’m going to disagree with you here. The sisters aren’t the problem – your husband is. He needs to step up now and have your back more. He has to take them on and draw a line in the sand. Up until now, you seem to be in the firing line, having to deal with the majority of this. That’s where it’s going wrong. Moving forward, your husband has to team up with you and enforce new boundaries and rules with his family members. He needs to show them and everyone else that you’re a tight unit, and if he can do this, then things are going to fall into place.
It’s not uncommon for new relationships to come under attack from extended family members. Sometimes it’s a smothering mother in-law, an overbearing and opinionated father-in law, or it’s toxic sisters and brother in-laws. Whatever the case, the key to dealing with this is for the couple to come together and become an unbreakable unit. For the biological son or daughter to stand up to their family members and create new rules and expectations. This is how you must handle your situation in the future – your husband has to have your back and get his family to fall into line.
He may have done a little of this already, but certainly not enough. He needs to get tough and increase his intensity for enforcing new boundaries with his sisters. The days of trying to please everyone is over. He has to choose you over them, and give them a new blueprint. You teach people how to treat you, and he has allowed his sisters to over step the mark and hurt your feelings. You both need to teach them new expectations, and he has to be at the pointy end of this.
That means explaining to you husband the need for him to lead this new approach with his sisters. You want to establish the way you want things to run in the future, and then together meet with the sisters to outline how things are going to run moving forward. Make no mistake, if he doesn’t choose you over them, then it will fail. Once you’ve spoken to them, be a team and enforce the rules. If they have a problem with you – they have to go through the team first. And if they don’t want to play ball, then avoid them and focus on your enjoying your own marriage and family unit.
The opinions expressed in this column are for general informational purposes only, are based on limited information and are not professional advice. You should always seek your own professional advice for your circumstances. Any actions taken are the sole responsibility of the reader, not the author or 9Honey.
*Questions have been edited for publication
William Baldwin says Justin Bieber, Hailey Baldwin planning 'little' wedding event – Yahoo News Canada
TORONTO — Actor William Baldwin has confirmed rumours that his niece, Hailey Baldwin, and Canadian pop star Justin Bieber are planning a wedding celebration for their recent nuptials.
“They’re already married, but they’re having a little gathering,” Baldwin said Friday in an interview for his upcoming Ontario-shot family drama series “Northern Rescue,” which will launch March 1 on the CBC Gem streaming service in Canada.
Asked if the gathering will be in Canada, he teased: “Possibly.”
The 24-year-old Bieber and 22-year-old Baldwin, who is a model, got engaged last summer in the Bahamas.
Reports swirled in subsequent months that they had already wed in a courthouse ceremony, and in November they appeared to confirm the rumours via Instagram.
Bieber, who hails from Stratford, Ont., posted a photo of the two of them with the caption: “My wife is awesome.”
Meanwhile Baldwin changed her Instagram username to “Hailey Bieber.”
Various publications are reporting a wedding celebration will take place either Feb. 28 or on March 1, which is Bieber’s birthday.
“They’ve been friends since she was a kid and they’ve known each other since Hailey was, like, 12,” said William Baldwin, who is the brother of Hailey’s dad, Stephen.
“Stephen became friends with Justin’s mom and dad and they’ve gone to church together, they’ve gone bowling together. They’ve done all sorts of fun stuff together for years and then romantic-like candles started flickering a while ago. They’ve been on-and-off dating probably for several years.
“They’re cute and they’re really an adorable couple together — madly in love.”
Baldwin — whose other credits include the films “Flatliners,” “Backdraft” and “The Squid and the Whale” — has been married to singer Chynna Phillips, of the pop group Wilson Phillips, for more than two decades.
He said he’s offered Hailey advice on “what it’s like to navigate the waters of being in a show-business relationship and making it last.”
“I told Hailey, ‘Look, I’m 28 years (into a relationship) and still going strong and if you ever want to talk, my wife is a recording artist, she’s sold millions and millions of records and she has four or five or six Grammy nominations and No. 1 singles,'” Baldwin said.
“Her first record had like five or six songs go in the top 10 and her parents are the Mamas and the Papas, she was raised in show business.
“So we have a lot of stuff to draw from if they ever want us to share the wisdom of what it’s like to be in show business and be in love and get married and start a family.”
“Northern Rescue” stars Baldwin as a Search and Rescue commander and father of three who moves the family to a small northern hometown after the death of his wife. The CBC and Netflix original production also stars Canadian actor Kathleen Robertson as the children’s aunt.
Victoria Ahearn, The Canadian Press
Carolyn Hax: Wife second-guesses marriage after trouble conceiving children – seattlepi.com
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Keep clicking or swiping through the slideshow for “Fall in love with Seattle all over again”
Keep clicking or swiping through the slideshow for “Fall in love with Seattle all over again”
Photo: Evgenyatamanenko, Getty Images
Keep clicking or swiping through the slideshow for “Fall in love with Seattle all over again”
Keep clicking or swiping through the slideshow for “Fall in love with Seattle all over again”
Photo: Evgenyatamanenko, Getty Images
Dear Carolyn:
I got married two years ago to a wonderful woman. We are in our mid-30s and decided to wait one year before trying to have kids. We waited the year and started trying, but despite neither of us having any obvious medical issues, we’ve been unable to conceive.
About three months ago my wife told me she was unsure about our relationship. She said the reason she fell in love with me was because I would make a good father, but since kids aren’t immediately on the horizon, she feels I don’t give her enough energy as a couple, and that, while she loves me, she has felt more in love with previous boyfriends. This would have been great to hear before we got married.
I’ll be the first to admit I’m an introvert and probably not the most exciting person to hang out with, but I treat her well, and we have fun.
We’re in therapy, but it’s been very hard for her to come to grips with her emotions. I can’t help feeling like she married a concept instead of me. I also think part of the difficulty is her coming to terms with not being able to have a child as quickly and easily as she wanted.
While I love her and want to continue the relationship, I can’t help but think the foundation of our marriage isn’t solid enough to last, and I’m getting deeply hurt in the process. How much is enough? Is this worth trying to salvage, or should I try to minimize the damage to both of us and move on?
— Frustrated and Confused
Uuuugh. I’m so sorry.
And of course you’re hurt. You thought she married you for love, and you just found out she hired you for a job.
What is “enough,” you ask? That. That is enough.
But first, please know this, because it’s important: It doesn’t mean you’re “not the most exciting person to hang out with.” Your wife’s unhappiness is not rooted in your failure to provide what she needed. It’s rooted in her decision to marry someone who didn’t provide what she needed — to think she could set those misalignments aside for the purpose of getting the family she wanted.(Not uncommon — even with “wonderful” people.)
This matters because what you provide is what somebody wants, needs, finds exciting. Someone else. Maybe you haven’t met her yet, and I won’t give you empty assurances that you will, but it’s a no-brainer that there are women “more in love” with an introverted, respectful, fun, he’d-make-a-good-father style.
Which is why this wretched thing might be good for you. When your wife married you for the wrong reasons — I take her word for all this, I should emphasize, and draw no conclusions of my own — she stopped your search for that woman.
So step away from your marriage, for now if not permanently, and think it all over, and heal. Maybe then you’ll see what you were denied by this marriage, that “more in love” feeling, and you’ll grow ready to look again. We all deserve people who feel lucky to have us.
It’s a long shot, but maybe, too, it’ll help her see you differently. Good news for you either way, if painfully achieved.
