Relationships Talk

We get it – Valentine’s Day gift buying can be a total minefield. If you’ve been dating just a few weeks, an overly heartfelt pressie might have your new bae running for the hills, while your long-term partner will be pretty underwhelmed by a box of corner shop chocolates and some petrol station flowers.

Luckily for you, we’re here to steer you right. We’ve teamed up with notonthehighstreet to give you some seriously thoughtful gift ideas for every stage of dating.

Notonthehighstreet selects only the most beautiful designs from thousands of the UK’s best small creative businesses – from handcrafted creations to unique, personalised gift ideas, so that you can give your other half something brilliant – no matter how long you’ve been together.

1) The ‘we still don’t know each other very well’ gift

The Lionel Seasonal Cheese Box by The Cheese Geek, £29.99 BUY NOW

You’ve been dating for a little while now and things are looking promising. You’re after a thoughtful gift while avoiding anything too emosh.

Enter the Lionel Seasonal Cheese Box from small creative business The Cheese Geek. Whether a brilliant reminder for your giftee of that amazing first date you might have spent over a cheese board or simply a fresh way to allow you to get to know each other better, share a selection of the very best seasonal cheeses from old favourites to fresh surprises. The cheese box also comes with tasting notes, pairing tips and a scorecard so you can rate the selection. Take the pressure off Valentine’s Day and enjoy an evening that’s imaginative and artisanal, without being, well, cheesy.

2) The ‘we’re everyone’s favourite couple’ gift

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Personalised Love Heart Mug Set by Sophia Victoria Joy, £25 BUY NOW

A few months have passed and now you’re ready to make things Insta-official. You’re joint at the hip, and your wild nights are slowly being replaced with evenings in, cuddled up on the sofa binging Netflix together.

This Love Heart Mug Set, made by Sophia Victoria Joy, a family run business based in Hampshire, is the perfect accessory for your movie marathons. Personalise with your pet names for one another or if the red heart is too traditional, choose from a range of colours to make these mugs as unique as you are.

These mugs will also give you the opportunity to show your S/O how much you appreciate them long after Valentine’s Day has passed. Nothing says ‘you mean the world to me’ quite like bringing your partner a cup of tea – made just the way they like it – in bed on a Sunday morning.

3) The ‘we’re totally still in the honeymoon stage’ gift

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Personalised Solid Copper Photo Print by Oakdene Designs, £24 BUY NOW

You’re nine months in, and your other half recently told you they miss you when you leave the room – so you’re looking for a meaningful gift that will ensure you’re close by even when you’re away (because sometimes you do have to go to work/see your friends/use the loo.)

Fill their home with memories of your time together, whether it’s a cherished snap from your first date by the sea or a romantic dinner at sunset on your recent holiday. These solid metal prints from small creative business Oakdene Designs can be personalised making them a really special, one-of-a-kind gift that will allow your partner to reminisce on the amazing moments you’ve spent together – even when you’re not around.

And if that’s not enough, they come in copper, stainless steel or brass finishes, so you can find the perfect fit to complement your partner’s decor too.

4) The ‘we’ve just moved in’ gift

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Personalised Leather Loop Keyring by Create Gift Love, £16 BUY NOW

Things are officially serious and you’ve taken the big and scary step to move in together. What better way to commemorate your first Valentine’s Day as roomies than a gift that will remind your other half of just how far you’ve come together?

Handmade to order in the UK from sustainably sourced leather, you can personalise this keyring with an in-joke, soppy message or a meaningful date. Whether you’ve loved them ever since they surprised you with a homemade dinner for two, made you cry-laugh with their impression of a mutual friend or brought round your favourite chocolates after a tough day at work, include the sweet or funny memories that have led to the amazing moment you’re sharing together now.

5) The ‘I’ll never stop surprising you’ gift

notonthehighstreet

Origami Heart Keepsake by Hello Ruth, £12 BUY NOW

After a couple of years together, you want to remind your other half just how special they are to you – without relying on clichéd presents. Stumped for how to surprise your partner while still being thoughtful? Well luckily, you’ve made a whole host of incredible memories together over the years, and this origami heart keepsake is a brilliantly unusual way to present them.

Equal parts unique and meaningful, this origami heart keepsake will show your S/O that you still can’t get enough of them, while giving them something they’ll be able to look back at time and time again. Fill with up to four of their most treasured photos – including some surprises they might have forgotten about! – and personalise with your own message.

6) The ‘I couldn’t have done it without you’ gift

notonthehighstreet

‘We go together like..’ Personalised Print For Couples by Floss & Co, £18 BUY NOW

You’ve been together for over three years and have watched each other go from clueless youths to marginally less clueless adults. Travelling, climbing the career ladder, buying your first house together; you’ve been by each other’s sides through thick and thin, and now you’re looking for a gift to remind your partner that you wouldn’t be half the person you are without them.

These unique prints from Tynemouth-based small business Floss & Co. will complement the house you might share together perfectly. Choose from four fun designs, whether you go together like peaches and cream, gin and tonic, fish and chips or rhubarb and custard, and personalise with your names and a special date.

Browse notonthehighstreet for even more thoughtful Valentine’s Day gift ideas

Almost everything about us desi folk can be said to be one of a kind. Like with Indian parents who have their own rules for everything. And as long as they feel their logic is strong, they’ll sure as hell make it work. Kinda like using a dirty cloth to clean things; as long as it’s a piece of cloth, it’ll do the cleaning it was meant to do. So, when it comes to dating, they definitely have their own special kind of advice to give to their millennial kids. 

Also read: 11 Gems Of Wisdom & Life Advice From The Books By Indian Women Authors

Here are a few hilarious examples:

1. “My mom once told me ‘ye babu baby bolne se nahi chalte rishte. It won’t hurt anyone if you call them by their names.'”

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2. “My mom caught me using Tinder and said, ‘do you really think you can find a partner on Tinder? Human interaction is the actual way. Go out, idiot.'”

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3. “‘Women of today won’t tolerate you lazying around, okay? It is better you start keeping your room clean.’ That was my dad when I refused to pick up my plate.”

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4. “My dad once dismissed the discussion saying, ‘women are always right. And I am not saying this sarcastically. You’ll realise this after a few years.'”

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5. “‘Pant shirt pehen kar jaya kar. This is how women will notice you.’ Thanks, mom, that was much-needed advice.”

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6. “Parents are aware of everything. My mom once told me that lying at home and meeting your boyfriend won’t make him commit to you, bring him home someday.”

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7. “You’ll know they are the right one when you realise you can tolerate them for the rest of your life. So, it is all about tolerating according to my dad.”

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Also read: 13 Incredibly Positive Pieces Of Advice That Can Help You Change Your Life For The Better

8. “‘It is not about the expensive place. It is about that expensive expression that doesn’t come easily.’ That was a brilliant piece of advice my dad gave me.”

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9. “My dad overheard a conversation I was having with my girlfriend. He told me that keeping my partner happy will lessen the tension altogether.”

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10. “‘If he is checking his mail and you are taking selfies casually, it is then you’ll be at peace in a relationship.’ Crazy advice from my dad.”

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Want to Silence Your Liberal Friends in 17 Seconds Flat? Show Them This

I’ve been hearing a lot of the phrase “geriatric pregnancy” lately. Curiously, I never hear it in my hospital or GP appointments; instead, the only people who ever mention it are the ones who are affronted that the term (given to pregnancies carried out by women aged over 35) exists in the first place.

The narrative goes a little something like this: having babies after 35 is a risky endeavour. It means you’ve waited too long, and might be subjecting yourself to a dangerous and complicated pregnancy and/or delivery. The older the mother, the higher the probability of chromosomal abnormalities, too. Even Meghan Markle (37) wasn’t immune to scrutiny when she announced her pregnancy: “Fertility falls off a cliff at 35, duchess or not”, one newspaper reminded us.

Some or all of this indeed may be scientifically accurate, but there’s little room in the overall conversation for the other possibility: that an older mother can enjoy a healthy pregnancy and go on to have a child with no chromosomal abnormalities. The risks of men delaying fatherhood, incidentally – and there has been some sporadic chat about the male biological clock – rarely get the same airtime.

Sprightly

Yet, women are staying younger for longer. Actress Jean Alexander was 36 when she took on the iconic role of Hilda Ogden in Coronation Street, making her two years younger at the time than Kim Kardashian is now. Why wouldn’t it stand to reason that a 35-year-old’s reproductive system is similarly sprightly, and no longer still wearing a hairnet and tabard?

As Jean M Twenge noted in a landmark essay in The Atlantic: “The widely cited statistic that one in three women ages 35 to 39 will not be pregnant after a year of trying, for instance, is based on an article published in 2004 in the journal Human Reproduction. Rarely mentioned is the source of the data: French birth records from 1670 to 1830.”

Our ideas around women, age and fertility are due an overhaul.

Science is coming around to the idea that being of advanced maternal age isn’t necessarily a hindrance

The reality is that the only person who seems to worry about my “advanced maternal age” around here is me. I mention my age as a “risk factor” in appointments; the experts shrug and move swiftly on. I go into ultrasound scans anticipating bad news based on nothing but my date of birth. I bombard technicians with questions about blood vessels in placenta cords, kidney function and “soft markers”. “Someone’s done their homework,” they murmur, patient but weary. Sometimes, it seems that having a healthy child with no health issues feels like the biggest miracle in the world.

Beneficial

As it happens, science is finally coming around to the idea that being of advanced maternal age isn’t necessarily a hindrance, and can actually be beneficial. An ongoing study, the New England Centenarian Study, has found that having a baby later in life can help women live longer. Another study, published in 2011 in the Population and Development Review, posits that older parents can be happier in general.

When I started writing this column, literally dozens of women contacted me to say that they’d had children at 44, 45, 46, not a bother on them. “Ahhh, the oopsie pregnancy,” was a recurring refrain; like me, they’d been led to believe by a whole swathe of literature that you’re not likely to find an ovarian reserve of any note inside a 40-something woman. If you’re lucky, you might find an old Teasmaid up there, and maybe a copy of the Beano instead of ovaries. Surely it’s okay, some of them reasoned, to relax a little on the contraception?

Biological clock

The more I think about it, the more the “biological clock” deadline annoys me. It’s generally accepted that 35 is make or break time for women thinking of settling down and having a family. I see it in my friends of that age: the ones who are single are weary with resignation, little realising that they might have whole decades of flings and strings-free fun ahead of them. Others resign themselves to staying in below-par relationships, figuring that their emotionally stunted plus-one will have to do (plus, they don’t have the time to start all over again with a new partner).

The whole biological clock conceit has created a less-than-level playing field

Another friend does the maths over and over, panic rising in her voice every time: “If I met someone tonight, I’d probably have to wait six months before we move in, and maybe another six months before I get pregnant, and sure by that stage I’ll be 39.” Another friend, in her mid- to late-30s, is worried that she’s a weirdo for not feeling more of a call to action when it comes to dating. Whatever the circumstances, there is often a sense of deadline looming.

Toxic faceache

And it’s why dating as a thirtysomething woman is such a toxic faceache. The whole biological clock conceit has created a less-than-level playing field, because many men don’t feel as though they’re on the clock in the same way. There’s a niggling sense, a panic even, that men are holding the proverbial cards. Some women (I know I was at some point) are so afraid to command respect and basic decent behaviour from men in case they scare them off, simply by coming across as too eager. I don’t miss those days for a second, but try telling a woman in her mid- to late-30s that things aren’t as gloomy, nor as urgent, as they seem.

Does being older make someone a better parent?

I often think that 21-year-old me – selfish, hedonistic, impulsive – would have made a terrible mother. Yet perhaps suggesting as such does everyone a disservice. There are fertile women at 25 and 45, and reproductively healthy women at all ages. It’s likely a 21-year-old is going to feel every bit as tired or as overwhelmed as I will as a new parent.

It’s high time we ditch the sweeping generalisations, for all our sakes.

Tanya Sweeney’s pregnancy series
Part 1: More chance of Bosco getting pregnant
Part 2: First came the shock, then the advice
Part 3: I’m pregnant and have a glass of wine
Part 4: People have never seen me like this
Part 5: Baby bump makes a woman so visible
Part 6: No more well-meaning advice
Part 7: Facing the financial shock
Part 8: My last child-free Christmas
Part 9: Being a mum but not having a mum
Part 10: I have a baby name in mind

What’s holding you back?

If there’s one piece of dating advice you should know, it’s this: If your love life expectations are unrealistic, you’ll never learn how to find true love or attract healthy relationships.

When it comes to your boyfriend or girlfriend checklist, it is not so much that one or two of your expectations are completely improbable; rather, you may have so many (relatively rational) expectations that you end up create a huge shopping list — not realizing there is no shop in the world that could possibly stock all those goods.

Being too specific about what you expect in a partner leaves little room for anyone to fill the void, which leaves you feeling unhappy in love.

RELATED: The Thing You’re Doing That Makes Finding Love Impossible

Expectations about the type of relationship you see yourself in can also be problematic. Look out for contradictions in what you think you want, so you don’t set yourself up to fail by saying things like, “He will be totally loving and attentive, yet still remain intriguing and mysterious.”

Also, don’t believe that the relationship will always feel as passionate as it does in the first few months. Chemistry is a trickster; it’s important to separate chemistry from compatibility and check that you and your partner have enough of both.

If you are enamored with someone, it can be easy to feel that nothing else matters. However, in order for a relationship to go the distance, it’s crucial that there’s more involved than just lust. There also needs to be respect, friendship, and intimacy that goes beyond the physical.

And lust does very often fade — scientists have even managed to track this. They believe a hardwired “love” response evolved because it kept two people together long enough for their offspring to survive (in hunter-gatherer communities, young infants would have needed two parents to survive). They estimate that the honeymoon period lasts for about two years.

You should only enter a relationship that is based purely on instant chemistry if your expectations are aligned: You both only want to have fun. However, if you want a fulfilling, long-term relationship, you need to be realistic about the effort needed to maintain the chemistry and think about how compatible you really are.

RELATED: If You Believe These 3 Relationship Myths, You’ll Never Find Love

The right man or woman cannot fix your life or “complete” you. Forget all the rom-coms you’ve seen and the façade of happy couples around you.

Instead, spend some time making sure they are as fulfilled and happy as you are. Love can’t blossom and flourish if you’re both not feeding positivity into it. Only then will you be in a position to meet someone from whom you will not demand too much (and ultimately drive away).

Here are 3 things you must do to shed your unhealthy expectations before you can attract healthy relationships and learn how to find love that lasts.

1. Prioritize your checklist.

Don’t confuse the unrealistic expectations on your list of relationship deal-breakers with the high expectations, as this is a common mistake for many people. High expectations do not need to be unrealistic as long as they reflect reality, following a true evaluation of yourself. Intelligent, successful and driven women are compatible with equally intelligent, affluent men.

2. Set boundaries.

Next, set some boundaries and have a clear idea of what you will not put up with. Start with a little work on yourself. Knowing yourself and being honest is a great first step to take. You should never compromise your core values for a relationship.

3. Identify your core values.

Start with the “tangibles”. For example, do you want children? Work out what your views are on marriage, family life, male and female roles, etc.

Look at your lifestyle, health, and fitness habits (including smoking, drinking and/or using drugs), your energy levels, your interests, your life stage, your religious practices and political beliefs — even your location.

Also, ask yourself what kind of relationship would work for you. What is your attachment style in relationships? How do you respond to affection? What is your sex drive like?

Most importantly, once you have all this information, stay open-minded. Many people can be compatible with you without sharing all the same interests, so do not fall into the trap of thinking you have to have everything in common (except, of course, major long-term desires such as having children or not).

Chemistry is important as well, but understanding the limitations of lust will give you a more realistic view of what genuine love consists of.

RELATED: How To Stay Motivated If Finding Someone To Date Seems Impossible

Dr. Georgina Barnett is a counseling psychologist who wants to help people create deep, emotionally intimate relationships that last a lifetime, as well as a matchmaker at Seventy Thirty, a luxury matchmaking service.

This article was originally published at Seventy Thirty. Reprinted with permission from the author.