Relationships Talk

Standing centre stage at Amsterdam’s vast Ziggo Dome arena, Snow Patrol frontman Gary Lightbody attempts to apologise for the fact that his band have not been on tour for six years, or released an album for seven. “What can I say? We’re just really f****** lazy.”

The line gets a laugh, but it isn’t the truth. Wildness, the Northern Irish quintet’s seventh album, was released last May, but almost didn’t arrive at all due to Lightbody’s crippling mix of writer’s block, depression and heavy drinking. When the songs were finally written, the central sentiment of Life on Earth (“It shouldn’t need to be so f****** hard”) and titles such as Heal Me and Don’t Give In were all clear signs of his struggles.

In contrast, when we meet in a backstage lounge a couple of hours before the show, the 42-year-old is in grand form, enjoying touring sober and looking down on his troubles from the safe hilltop of recovery.

“It’s blown my mind that we’ve come back to the same arenas we toured last time,” he says, anticipating imminent gigs in both of London’s biggest indoor venues, the O2 and Wembley.

“I thought we’d have to work our way back up after seven years, but nearly all of them are sold out. I get emotional thinking about it.”

The rest of the band – drummer Jonny Quinn, guitarist Nathan Connolly, bassist Paul Wilson and keyboard player Johnny McDaid – don’t do interviews and don’t tend to get involved in the song-writing process until it comes time to get into the recording studio. Long-term producer Garret ‘Jacknife’ Lee is generally the first pair of ears to advise, but for the most part it sounds like Lightbody toiled alone in the home he bought in Santa Monica, LA, in 2010.

“The best advice I got was ‘Just write’, which seems so simple, yet I wasn’t doing it, he explains. “I was opening my laptop, seeing that cursor flashing on the white screen, and just going, ‘No, not today’.”

All the sun, sea and palm trees didn’t help. “That sun can be misleading,” Lightbody says. “You think you’re in paradise, but when you’re writing, you’re better off being in rainy weather. It’s too tempting to be outside.”

These days, he’s predominantly based in his other home in significantly rainier Bangor, where he grew up.

Then there was drink. He doesn’t use the word ‘alcoholic’, but he doesn’t sound far off. “I ended up drinking on my own a lot, which I’d always said I wouldn’t do. That was the beginning of the end. I was always a happy drunk. I don’t get into fights, I’m not dribbling or talking weird s***. I’ve always been told that I would make an event better, not worse. But what would happen when I got back from the party was that I would keep going on my own. That’s when it started to get messier.”

He still wrote music with relative ease but got more stuck with the lyrics. “I’ll write hundreds of songs. Melodies come very easily,” he says, touching the wooden table between us. “The writer’s block that I have is with words. The lyrics would never catch up with the music.”

I ask why he didn’t ask for help with the writing. He wouldn’t have had to look far. Bandmate McDaid has a booming second career as a writer of hits for others, his most notable co-writer credit being on Ed Sheeran’s Shape of You, the most streamed song ever. In one week in spring 2017, five of the UK’s 11 best-selling albums included his songs.

“When I’m standing on stage, I want to have written the songs,” says Lightbody. “It’s the same with (side-projects) Tired Pony and The Reindeer Section. I’ve never been very good at singing other people’s songs, so the horrible Catch-22 is that as soon as you go, ‘I need help with this,’ your recovery isn’t your own recovery.

“I wanted to come out of the tailspin myself. I’ve realised now that it wasn’t the best course of action – it probably took longer – but I do look back and stand up straighter when I think about the journey that I took to make this record. If I’d said, ‘I need help with my homework’, it might not have felt like that.”

Lightbody did need others to help with his personal problems, however. A doctor wanted to operate when he developed a serious infection in his ears, throat and sinuses. He went to an acupuncturist friend instead, who treated him on the condition he stop drinking. He also saw a therapist to explore his feelings about growing up during the Troubles. “I think people are realising now that we are suffering from a collective trauma, and that needs to be addressed by talking about it,” he says.

Today he’s a regular at the gym, he meditates almost every day and feels the benefit of the Chinese martial art qigong, too. He’s enjoying life in the creatively dynamic Northern Ireland of today, as president of Belfast’s Oh Yeah Music Centre, a music hub that is a charity and social enterprise, with a live venue, rehearsal space, recording studio and other bits.

“It’s so different from the place I grew up in. It has culturally blossomed,” he says. “The music scene is incredible, lots of people are doing great movies. It’s an amazing place to make art. There’s so much going on.”

He says he’s “well-known” here in Northern Ireland, rather than famous. “I don’t cause mayhem. We’ve never gone anywhere and been screamed at.” He seems content that although Snow Patrol continue to tour arenas, their fanbase is less huge than in the days of their biggest albums, Final Straw from 2003 (six-times platinum in the UK) and 2006’s Eyes Open (eight-times platinum). Wildness has been certified gold so far, and is worth hearing for one of the band’s most euphoric anthems, Empress, and one of their most moving ballads, What If This is All the Love You Ever Get?

The Amsterdam crowd this evening is mature and polite. Mayhem is definitely thin on the ground. Lightbody is an upbeat, funny, surprisingly sweary bandleader.

He divides the room into two halves to sing Shut Your Eyes, then says: “Of course, this is how the problem started in our country.” It’s obvious he feels at home up there, literally larger than life as he looms down in black and white from the video wall.

What would he have done if he never managed to get the songs on Wildness finished? “I don’t know how to do anything else, so I probably would have written songs for other people or the movies, but I wouldn’t have been living the life that I truly wanted to be living.”

He understands much more clearly what that life is now. “To get to play in venues like this is what I wanted as a kid. I might also have wanted to be a rock star, but I didn’t know what it entailed. Now I know.

“I’ve never really had to deal with fame in a real sense, but I’ve seen it up close with friends, and I don’t want it. I have the life I truly want. I can forgo the rock-star bit.”

Snow Patrol play the O2 Arena (the02.co.uk) on Jan 26 and the SSE Arena, Wembley (ssearena.co.uk) on February 2

© Evening Standard

Belfast Telegraph

/ COURTESY

Tanzania’s sweetheart Wema Sepetu has not had the best love life but she is yet to give up on love.

The former Miss Tanzania has dated them all, from the singers, actors to reality TV stars but none popped the question.

A while back, Sepetu dated Diamond Platnumz, then Idris Sultan and only recently introduced to the world her conman boyfriend Patrick.

Her last relationship set her back both financially and career wise. After parading a rather explicit video of herself and Patrick, she was banned from acting.

But time heals everything and she is on to the next. Word has it that she is dating a fellow actor identified as Chrintony.

Chrintony has however been gushing about Ms Sepetu for a while now an indicator that they have known each other for quite some time.

Do you have a story you want told? Do you know of a sensitive story you would like us to get our hands on? Email your news TIPS to [email protected]  Also WhatsApp 0708677607 with your news tips

Related

Ghost them or be upfront?

Let’s be real: the whole dating process comes with a ton of tough situations to navigate. Case in point: trying to figure out how to let someone down easy after going on a date with them. Should you feed them some line about not being interested, despite the “great time” you had? Or just skip the communication altogether and hope that your silence sends the message? Is there any good way of doing this?

When you’re looking for dating advice, look no further. We asked 20 men and women to weigh in on what they’d prefer when it comes to being let down after a date, and we received a pretty wide range of answers.

Read on to see what men and women had to say about how to let someone down easy.

1. Be Up Front.

“Women, myself included, constantly try to rationalize and dissect men’s behavior. That process of analyzing and scrutinizing every moment, signal, and text is exhausting and tormenting. Sometimes, our thoughts take over and linger until we are 110 percent sure that they are not interested. It would be so much easier if the guy was straight up and said he was not interested so we could move on and quit with the ‘what if’s.’”

2. I Thanked a Guy for Telling Me Straight Up.

“I once went on two dates with a guy, and then didn’t hear from him much after the second date, so I sent him a text asking if he was ‘tired of me already.’ Within a couple of minutes, he responded, ‘To be honest, I wasn’t really feeling you after the second time we went out.’ To which I responded, ‘Thank you!’ This was hands down the best way for us to go our separate ways. I prefer people to be direct, as I’m quite direct myself. This way, there is no wondering, lingering thoughts, or beating yourself up.”

3. Don’t Use Fake Lines.

“I would prefer that the man be man enough to say it to my face, and not clog up the works with any ‘Let’s be friends’ nonsense. Just get on with your life and I’ll get on with mine.”

Men Reveal Their #1 Struggle When It Comes to Relationships

4. Closure Is Important.

“Getting closure from a bad date is important. Us guys are needy. Someone needs to create an app like Yelp so we can anonymously leave and read reviews for dates to hear things like, ‘Probably shouldn’t have started talking about your mom after the second beer. 3 stars.’ Online dating has saturated the market. Help us compete, ladies.”

5. Don’t Think She Can’t Handle It.

“Dear men: We are not the precious breakable flowers that you think we are. If you don’t want to tell us that you don’t ‘like like’ us because you don’t want to hurt our feelings, get over it! Sometimes you hurt people’s feelings. It’s life. It’s unavoidable. You’re a grown up now and these things happen. I won’t lie and say it doesn’t hurt to find out someone doesn’t want to hit this on the regular, but what’s worse are the questions that linger when you say nothing at all. Radio silence is for cowards.”

6. If You Don’t Do It, the Person Won’t Stop Trying.

“When we like a person who leaves us hanging without communication, we come up with so many excuses for them (the text didn’t go through, lost phone, etc.) and end up hanging on longer. So, without question, I would much rather have a woman tell me that she isn’t interested. Then, it’s easier to redirect my energy towards finding someone who is interested.”

7. Being Upfront Isn’t Mean.

“When a guy doesn’t tell you he’s not interested and just says nothing, he is leaving the door open for that girl to imagine why and she will likely keep calling and texting until she gets an answer. The best thing is to be honest and forthright, without being mean.”

8. Clarity Is the Best.

“I had a blind date with a girl I had met on OKCupid several months ago. Nice conversation, but no sparks. This morning I received the following email from her: ‘It was great to meet you, Phil. You have a nice outlook on life and I like your energy. I’m not sure if there’s romantic potential here, though, but at the same time it would be fun to do some things together sometime…’ I love clarity. I crave clarity.”

9. Don’t Assume a Guy Will Understand You’re Not Interested by Ignoring Him.

“Men much prefer to be told that the girl is not interested and why. Women sometimes think the man will ‘get it,’ but it’s often frustrating and confusing to a guy to not hear anything back. Men need to be told directly and women like to be indirect and hint at things. Girls, just tell men and give them a reason, and then there is some form of closure.”

10. Give Feedback at the end of the Date.

“I would rather them be honest immediately at the end of the first date, if they already know they don’t want to go on a second one. There’s always a nice, diplomatic way to go about it. Just come out and say it. Don’t waste my time.”

11. Life Is Too Short to Go the Other Route.

“Life is short. Be polite. Just say it was nice to meet you, but I don’t feel a connection.”

12. Don’t Waste Anyone’s Time.

“I would much rather hear the truth than be left to question. Don’t waste my time.”

13. He Won’t Get Angry If You’re Truthful.

“Everyone will say they would rather know, but it doesn’t take the sting out of it. But if a girl isn’t interested, I’d still rather her say so. I’m the type of guy who won’t get angry if my texts go unanswered, I’ll get worried that something happened, and won’t be able to sleep until I know she’s at least okay. Not knowing sucks.”

14. It’s All About Respect.

“Never stop being a respectable human. Ignoring someone’s texts is not the way to do that. I’d rather someone be straight up about it. It was a first date, not all of them will go well for both parties and that is understandable — just be honest about it. A simple response would be, ‘Hey I appreciate you coming out last night, but I don’t think we had the connection that I was looking for.’ Anything along those lines is fine, and then it at least let’s you know to move on and make other plans instead of holding on and hoping for something that will never happen.”

15. He Has a Right to Know.

“Tell me and in person. If I respect you enough to use my money to pay for the date, you should respect me enough to tell me in person how you really feel.”

16. He Will Be Angry if You Just Ghost Him.

“Hands down would rather be told, because being ignored absolutely makes my blood boil. Ignoring someone is cowardly, mean, and disrespectful. It diminishes the other person’s self worth, all because you’re the weak one who doesn’t want to tell it like it is.”

17. I’ll Get the Hint and Just Move On.

“Is it weird that I’m okay with radio silence? I totally get it. Personally I don’t need someone being like, ‘Hey I think you’re wonderful but I didn’t feel the connection…’ Maybe I’m making this weird dating culture worse, but for me, if I don’t hear from you, I’ve already moved on.”

15 Brutally Honest Things Guys Won’t Tell You About Online Dating

18. I Don’t Want to Hear You Throw Cliche Lines at Me.

“I don’t need to hear the BS ‘Hey I had a good time but I’m not interested’ line, but I also don’t want the silence, because then you might wonder if they are away, if their job is demanding, and so on. I think if I were to follow up after a date to ask the person out again, once I tried to make plans twice and they were busy both times, and didn’t suggest a time that DOES work, then I’d move on.”

19. If You Wanted to Reach Me, You Would.

“There are infinite ways of getting in touch with someone who you went on a date with and are interested in seeing again, all of which take about 30 seconds. That guy isn’t not texting you back because he lost his phone. He’s not texting you back because he’s not interested in seeing you again. Do you really need for him to spell that out? I sure don’t.”

20. The Message is Usually Unnecessary.

“I work an insane amount of hours per week (probably why I’m still single), but if I go on a date with a girl I’m interested in seeing again, I still make sure to find the time to text her, to respond to her text, and to make future plans. If a girl I went out with doesn’t respond to a text from me after a date, it makes it clear to me she’s not interested — without the cheesy and unnecessary, ‘I had a great time, you’re a great guy, BUT’ message.”

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: How To Let Someone Down Easy If You’re Not That Into Them.

Dear Abby: My 38-year-old daughter is being married this summer. She has never planned a big event like this before, and every suggestion I make gets us into a fight. I know it’s upsetting her terribly, and it’s upsetting me as well.

We have always been close. I understand it’s her wedding, but I would like some input since my husband and I are paying for it. Also, every time I suggest inviting someone, her reaction is, “I don’t know. They’re your friends, not mine.” Well, I would like my friends to share this moment in my daughter’s life. What’s the solution here?

Fighting in Pennsylvania

Dear Fighting: You may be a “traditional” mother, but customs have changed since you were a bride. Among them is the fact that women your daughter’s age usually pay for their own weddings, which entitles them to run their own show. I think the solution to your problem may involve suggesting that to your daughter. If you are footing the bill, you should absolutely have some say about the production, and your daughter should be mature enough to accept it or finance it herself.

Dear Abby: My son is 24 and in the military. He has always been sarcastic, and his humor always involves cutting the other person down. I think it can be part of the culture in the military, which has made it worse. I thought as he matured he would mellow. It becomes exhausting after a while.

I’m afraid he’ll never be able to find and keep a girlfriend if he keeps acting this way. When girls start dating, most of them are taught to watch how a guy treats his mother and sisters because that’s how he’ll treat her eventually. If a girlfriend of his heard how he speaks to me and his sisters, they would run. Nice girls want nice guys, who speak kindly. How do I talk to him about this, or should I just keep my mouth shut?

Exhausted in the East

Dear Exhausted: Not only should you not stay silent, recognize that you should have insisted your son treat you and his sisters with respect and consideration by the age of 10. While that message may be harder to impress upon him at this late date, have that discussion with him now, and point out what an unattractive personality trait he’s displaying. If you want to couch it in terms of how it will affect his love life, by all means do. No woman with self-esteem would tolerate what he’s doing for long, because it’s verbal abuse.

Dear Abby: My daughter’s ex-husband allowed his 5-year-old son to sleep with his girlfriend’s 6-year-old daughter during a weekend visit. What do you think of this?

Concerned Grandmother

Dear Concerned: Not knowing either child, I hesitate to venture an opinion. Their parents are in a better position to decide something like this, so raise the subject with them if you haven’t already.