Category Archives: Relationships

Having it all – Duke Chronicle

  Dating Advice, Relationships

Over winter break I watched the film version of one of my favorite novels, “The Valley of the Dolls,” and decided it was one of the scariest movies I’ve seen in a long time. Jacqueline Susann’s 1966 book deeply resonated with me when I first read it the summer before I came to Duke. As a young woman about to leave home for the first time, I could see myself in the story’s three main protagonists, each chasing her dreams in 1940’s New York City. With endless hope and ambition in their youth, the women’s lives devolve over two decades into substance abuse and depression. While I (thankfully) don’t see myself on the same path as these characters, the fact that they don’t make inherently wrong decisions makes their stories all the more compelling. Their mistakes are ones I could see myself making. It’s not hard to become overly invested in a career, or to fall in love with a person that’s bad for you. As my graduation day in May nears, the life decisions I make in the next few months and years seem all the more daunting.

Just as how a novel about New York women closed out my high school life, another group of New Yorkers is helping me through the end of my Duke one; I began religiously watching “Sex and the City” last semester. After especially stressful days, I’ll pop on an episode (or two, or three) of the late ’90s comedy series, and try to think about Carrie Bradshaw’s life problems more than my own. The show follows a group of four successful women — a writer, an attorney, an art dealer and a PR executive — and the trials and tribulations they face as single women in a big city. Although I haven’t personally faced the majority of the issues brought up in the series, it’s easy to relate to their experiences. Half of the dating advice my best friend and I have given each other in the last few months has referenced the show in one way or another. Like “The Valley of the Dolls,” the characters’ mistakes are ones we can see ourselves actually making.

I’m thus drawn to the two stories because they’re simultaneously my greatest aspirations and my worst nightmares. I want an amazing, successful career, but I don’t want it to absorb my entire life like Neely. I want to look my best every day, but I don’t want to be objectified like Jennifer.  I want a family eventually, but I don’t want to sacrifice my career like Charlotte.  I want to fall in love with a handsome, mysterious man like Carrie’s Mr. Big or Anne’s Lyon Burke, but I certainly don’t want the heartbreak and havoc they wreak upon the women’s lives.

Twenty-one is a strange age to be. A chapter of my life is about to end, and the next one isn’t yet written. I’m starting to hear of acquaintances becoming engaged, and people I knew in high school are becoming parents. I have friends looking for jobs or applying to graduate school all around the country, and I have no idea where they’ll be next year. Or where I’ll be, for that matter. The train to the real world is about to leave the station and I’m scared I’ll send it down the wrong track.

With a myriad of big changes happening in my life very soon, there’s one nugget of wisdom from “Sex and the City” that I hope to carry with me as an adult. Realizing she’s in a toxic relationship, Samantha tells her partner “I love you too, Richard. But I love me more.” In two sentences, she says exactly what the women in “The Valley of the Dolls” never could. She loves and values herself first and foremost and — though this self-love doesn’t diminish her love for anyone or anything else — she settles for nothing less than what makes her truly happy. By loving me more, I trust I’ll make (at least mostly) the right decisions as an adult. Mistakes will be made, for sure, and those can be scary. By loving the person in the mirror, though, I’ll have something no one — and nothing— can take away from me.

So, do I feel ready for life after graduation? Not a chance. Am I scared of leaving Duke for the real world? More than I’d like to admit. But am I excited for the future, with all its possible ups and downs? As Carrie would say, abso-f*cking-lutely.

Would You Get Advice From Your Ex About Your Current Partner? – 10 daily

  Dating Advice, Relationships

It’s been about a year since John Cena and Nikki Bella broke up but that doesn’t mean they don’t still play a major role in one another’s lives.

In an interview with PEOPLE, Bella revealed that she still calls Cena after every single date she goes on.

“I let him know everything,” she said. “He’s known every date I’ve been on. I have so much respect for him and this breakup wasn’t bad, it didn’t end bad, we didn’t do bad things to each other. He’s still close with my family”.

READ MORE: 8 Bad Habits That Could Really Lead To Divorce

Bella continued: “Anything I knew was coming out, anything I’ve done, I’ve let him know because I just don’t want him to ever be hurt by it or shocked by it. And I know that’s something I don’t have to do but that’s just who I am.”

If this set-up seems a little, well, odd to you, you’re not alone. A quick survey around the 10 daily office revealed that 100 percent of those quizzed would never take advice from their ex about their current partner.

“LOL, absolutely not,” was the response from news producer Alex Bruce-Smith. Her sentiment was echoed by 10 daily’s entertainment editor, Stephanie Anderson, who added: “If the advice is like, ‘I want to tell someone I love them and want them back on Monday and then f**k someone else on Tuesday then like, absolutely I would seek advice”.

READ MORE: How Soon Is Too Soon To Move On After A Breakup?

Is It Healthy?

According to clinical psychologist Amanda Gordon, seeking advice from your ex about your current partners isn’t really such a wise thing to do.

“Look, there are a lot of people who remain friends with their exes, but if you’re using your ex as a sounding board then you’re not living a separate and independent life,” she told 10 daily.

Gordon added that by keeping the attachment going both parties are making it harder on themselves to make a new attachment.

READ MORE: Scientists Say Open Relationships Are Just As Good As Monogamy

What About Sabotage?

That’s the other thing Gordon warns could happen if you keep leaning on your ex for advice — they could be either consciously or unconsciously trying to sabotage your new relationship.

Gordon warns that sometimes it’s not the other person who’s trying to do the sabotaging … sometimes we’re the ones who are behind it without even realising it.

“Sometimes you might keep going to someone for advice because you want them to talk you out of your new relationship,” she said.

“You might be hoping they will tell you that this person is no good for you and that they want you back.”

What Should We Do Instead?

Gordon recommends that we “have it out” with our ex in a frank conversation.

“Talk about what your relationship is and what you want it to be,” she said. “Then it’s time to let each other grow because if you keep going to them for relationship advice you’re not going to grow as a person.”

Feature Image: Getty

Millie Bobby Brown has the wrong take on ‘You’ – The Daily Dot

  Dating Advice, Relationships

Part rom-com, part horror story, the series You has been dominating Twitter feeds since it premiered on Netflix last month (after originally airing on Lifetime back in September). But where many viewers see a cautionary tale about an obsessive stalker, Stranger Things star Millie Bobby Brown sees a budding romance.

Through You‘s first season, Gossip Girl’s Penn Badgley plays a bookstore manager who falls in love with—and promptly begins stalking—one of his customers. No spoilers here, but if you’ve seen any of the many horror movies in the same vein, you can guess how the story goes. His pursuit leads to many terrifying breaches of privacy and even more blood.

Brown took to Instagram this week to defend the stalker character, Joe Goldberg, despite the laundry list of crimes he commits throughout the show.

“He’s not creepy, he’s in love with her, and it’s OK,” she says before admitting she’s obsessed with the show and binge-watching it. Apparently realizing her first video would receive pushback, she uploaded a second one claiming Goldberg isn’t a stalker, as other fans would argue. He’s simply acting out of love. “Just watch the show and don’t judge me on my opinion,” she adds.

But, of course, Twitter did just that. Many users who found her views problematic called her childish and worried how her younger fans would react to Brown condoning the stalking.

Brown isn’t alone in mistaking the character’s abusive and violent behavior with love. At Badgley’s incredulity, fans have begged him to stalk or kidnap them.

But some users blamed Brown’s close relationship with Drake—who’s been giving the teenage actor dating advice despite being twice her age—for warping her ideas about healthy relationships. Brown has called the rapper a mentor, but that hasn’t stopped fans from questioning Drake’s motives for the friendship.

Mostly, though, users just wanted to know: Was Brown even watching the same show?

READ MORE:

Curving: The dating trend even worse then ghosting – Body and Soul

  Dating Advice, Relationships

In yet another episode of ‘Dodgy Trendy Millennial Dating Terms’, today we bring you: curving. Basically, a way to let someone down through texts suggesting you’d really rather end the conversation than keep it going. But it’s executed so subtly, that if you’re a little naive, you won’t even know it’s happening to you. RIP.

Curvers never initiate the conversation, and their reply texts are emotionless and sporadic. What does this look like? Essentially, they’ll reply to you days later (i.e the dreaded “Sorry, just been so busy lately”), and they’ll never ask any questions to ensure they don’t get a reply back (i.e. “great”, “sounds good”, “nothing much”). Chronic curvers keep others holding on juuuust in case the next best thing comes along.

“They don’t want to talk to them but they don’t know how to end it,” dating coach James Preece told The Independent.

Although it may sound innocent, and a simple case of being stuck in a sticky situation, Preece thinks it’s just as cruel as ghosting (aka when the other person suddenly vanishes off the face of the earth after making contact).

“It’s easier to have short, boring interactions rather than directly state they don’t want to see them. This is a lack of respect and only leaves the other person feeling sad and confused.” Agreed.

“Deep down, they know that the other person isn’t that interested, but they still hold out hope,” Preece continued. “They convince themselves that they are just having a bad day/week/month. If they can say the right thing they’ll magically become keen again.”

Bottom line: don’t string someone along. Suck it up, be a man (or woman), and show some damn R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

For more dating advice, this is how your attachment style could be sabotaging your love life. Plus, this is how to tell if someone is into you in less than 2 minutes flat.

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