Relationships Talk

On the latest episode of Koffee With Karan, filmmaker and host Karan Johar welcome the handsome duo of Bollywood brothers Shahid Kapoor and Ishaan Khatter. Throughout the show, they had each other’s backs and only good things to say.

As they took their seats, Shahid mentioned how proud he felt about coming to the show with his half-brother. Ishaan said Shahid is more proud of him for appearing on Karan’s show then he is at his movie screenings.

When asked about their modern family and how they have managed to be one big happy family despite their parents’ separation and second marriages, Shahid said it was actually him who pestered his mother for a brother. “When my mom got married for the second time she was pretty clear she didn’t want a second baby because she felt like, you know, it was pretty late, she got married in her early 30s. I kept pestering her saying that it is not fair, I deserve a sibling. And she literally had Ishaan for me. I begged her for two or three years. And finally she gave in and said ‘Alright, I am gonna have one,” he said.

Aur Batao | Shahid Kapoor ft. Batti Gul Meter Chalu

Talking about what the family has been through over the years, Shahid said he has learnt from all the experiences and they have made him who he is. “I think eventually it is about love, it is about togetherness, it is about forgiving, it’s about learning to move on and it’s about learning to prioritize the fact that you eventually have to be together,” he said. Shahid and his father, Pankaj Kapoor have also grown closer over the years. He celebrated Lohri on Sunday at Shahid’s home with his granddaughter Misha. Shahid’s wife Mira Rajput shared the pictures on Instagram on Sunday.

Karan then asked Shahid about Padmaavat, the biggest hit of his career starting Ranveer Singh and Deepika Padukone and directed by Sanjay Leela Bhansali. Karan asked them if there were tensions between him and other actors on the film. “It’s really a big film and the stakes were very high for everybody. So everybody wanted to have their A-game on. Everybody was doing everything it takes to kind of be in the centre of the limelight. I’m sure everybody felt a bit threatened by each other at some level, it’s natural,” he said.

He also added that there is no friendship with the film’s team anymore because there was none to begin with. “My relationship status with most of the industry is zilch. Honestly, Deepika, Ranveer and Sanjay sir never became a part of my friend circle as such. I think it was more a professional thing. And it’s not the status was different and it’s changed in any manner. We connected when we were working and now we don’t have any connection,” he said.

Karan also asked him about his many exes, Priyanka Chopra, Kareena Kapoor and Sonakshi Sinha. Shahid said that he has bumped into Kareena at occasions. He also said that he did wish Priyanka on her recent wedding to American singer Nick Jonas and she had wished him too when he got married. During the rapid fire round, he said Kareena was more talented of the two while Priyanka was the hard worker.

As for Ishaan, the first question that Karan asked him was if he was dating Janhvi Kapoor, something she had already denied in another, earlier episode of the show. Karan also mentioned how there were rumours that he has previously dated Sara Ali Khan and Tara Sutaria.

Ishaan replied that him and Janhvi just like to hang out together, watch movies, eat food and listen to South Indian songs. Shahid supported his brother’s claims saying that he ‘buzzes around a lot of people’ and that Janhvi shouldn’t feel special about it.

They also talked about lives lived on social media and how they respond to critical pieces written about them after a movie’s release. Karan said it is necessary to read feedback from viewed and critics to improve on one’s performance.

They then played a game of Koffee Shots on the show. Shaid and Ishaan accepted having hots for women that were already ‘taken’, buying lingerie for women and receiving lap dances. Shahid said he made a Tinder account once but dropped the idea midway after getting scared about it. While Shahid denied dating someone ‘much older than him’, Ishaan confessed he has dated someone ‘45% older’ than him.

In the rapid fire round, Shahid went first. When asked about the one thing he would change about Padmaavat, he said he wished it was “more balanced in its screen time.” When asked which relationship’s memories he would like to delete, Priyanka or Kareena, he said time spent with Kareena was longer and with Priyanka was shorter. He also said that those memories made him who he is and he wouldn’t like to delete memories from any of the two relationships. He also said that out of Ranveer and Saif Ali Khan, the latter is his preferred co-star.

His marriage advice to Ranveer was to love Deepika as much as Rana Rawal Ratan Singh loved Padmavati and to Nick Jonas, “Never back down, you are with the original Desi Girl.”

On Ishaan’s turn, he said he found Badhaai Ho overrated, called Deepika his Bollywood celebrity crush and would go to Shahid for dating advice and to Ranbir Kapoor for career advice. When asked for one Bollywood stereotype that is true, Shahid told him to say ‘nepotism’. “Nepotism I guess yeah, is a menace and it’s out there and it’s a reality,” he said. Karan reminded him that he too is a product of it. He also said he would make Janhvi his ‘bae’, ‘slay’ Sara and ‘play’ with Tara.

Shahid ended up winning the hamper.

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First Published: Jan 14, 2019 08:21 IST

All of us are likely to have experienced relationship problems at some point in our adult lives. It’s not possible to always share the same values, beliefs and life long dreams with everyone we initially find attractive. But for many people, ongoing difficulties in relationships can leave them scratching their head in confusion as to why their love life didn’t work out… yet again.

For some it might have been falling too heavy, too fast. Or some being in love but not being able to commit. Some just can’t get close to others, others just get too close. Some want the physical, without the emotional. For others it all starts out so hot, but quite quickly growing so, so cold.

Exploring the attachment style of not only ourselves, but our significant others comes in handy when dysfunctional patterns are on unconscious repeat in our love life. Knowing it can help explain why we do what we do, even when we don’t even know we’re doing it.

Our attachment style influences how we react to our own needs and how we unconsciously try and get them met by others in our lives. It can affect everything from what kind of partners we choose, how we choose them, how we communicate, how close we get, how we argue, and also how our relationships ultimately end. This attachment style is established in our early childhood relationships, and continues to function as a blueprint for relationships in adulthood. If certain patterns played out in our interactions with our main caregivers, like mum and dad, we are going to seek that familiar pattern in our relationships with other adults, often to our own detriment.

The four main attachment styles

There are four main attachment styles; secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganised. About 60 per cent of people have a secure attachment style and are those adults who are likely to be more satisfied in their relationships. They are likely to have had parents of their own who allowed them to feel safe, secure and supported in childhood. This pattern plays out the same in their own adult relationships allowing them to feel intimately connected to their partners, but allow them also to be free and independent.

The other three attachment styles tend to be more dysfunctional, and are often a result of a caregiver (s) who were not responsive at times. A child growing up in an environment where they had either neglectful or inconsistent caregiving is likely to lead to an insecure attachment style.

Adults with an anxious attachment style often feel insecure, fearful and have trouble trusting others. They become clingy, demanding or behave in desperate measures to try and alleviate the strong fears of their partner leaving them. They have a need to feel safe and secure constantly, which can often drive a partner away. Unfortunately those who are anxious preoccupied are likely to have caregivers that were inconsistent in their availability.

The avoidant attachment style tends to play out in those who try have a tendency to emotionally distance themselves from those who want to get close to them, and often can come off as not caring and detached. They spend more time in their own head, than connecting with others. But when you think about it, is a protective mechanism that was likely established when they were young, when a caregiver did not meet their needs. The child would have learned very early to meet their own needs rather than expect it from others.

Those with a disorganised attachment style often live in a state of confusion, not knowing what they want. They know what might feel good to them, but not sure how to get it from someone else. Because they are afraid, they are often in a state of overwhelm which can lead them to be in relationships that end up quite dramatic, with big highs and low. Often their blueprint in childhood is one of chaos or abuse; those who are supposed to have loved me the most, are also the ones that hurt me those most. So the confusion as an adult is quite understandable.

Self-awareness of our own attachment style comes in handy as we start making conscious what ordinarily would be unconscious. Often what plays out in a relationship is a result of two walking childhoods, and once that can be talked about, we can make sense of our personal situations, and get a deeper understanding of each others actions that we would have likely personalised before.

With a little work, the blueprint that we thought was laid out in stone during childhood can be changed to be not only a little healthier, but can set us on a pathway to a happier relationship with us being able to meet our own needs and communicating these to those we love.

Read more stories like this: This one personality trait predicts how successful you’ll be. Plus, The one piece of advice all single women need to hear.

Dr Marny Lishman is a Corporate Wellbeing Adviser, Psychologist, Keynote Speaker & Media Commentator.

”Trash” is the lesson’s keyword.

In Japanese high schools, there’s a unique sort of hurried romantic passion that many guys feel at this time of year. With the Japanese school year ending in the spring, graduation is now just a few months away, and many guys with a crush on a certain special girl feel that it’s now or never to tell her how they feel. Unless they’re planning to enroll in the same college, soon they’ll no longer have any pretext on which to see each other every day, and if they don’t cement the relationship as something more than platonic, they worry their connection will gradually fade away.

So soon enough, those guys are going to take their shot at romance by laying out their feelings for the schoolgirl they’ve got a crush on. And while that can be the beginning of a sweet and wonderful young romance, it can also be incredibly creepy if the guy asking the girl out is her adult teacher.

Japanese Twitter user and middle school teacher @barbeejill3 says that with graduation coming up, he’s been getting a lot of similar questions sent to him. They’re from high school girls, and they ask him “What should I do if my a teacher says he has romantic feelings for me?”

卒業間近の女子高生の皆さんへ 私にDMで相談がくる中で最近多いのが、 「教師に告られたがどうしたらいいか？」 経験から言う。そいつは常習犯です。毎年誰かを狙ってるクズです。 立場を利用してどうにかしようとしてるんです。… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…

—
合法先生 (@barbeejill3) January 10, 2019

Sadly, @barbeejill3 (fresh off a frustrated rant about his school’s incredibly dumb dress code) says he’s known at least one teacher who did this. Although he doesn’t specify if it was someone at his current school or a previous place of employment, he minces no words regarding how he feels about such educators:

“Teachers like that are habitual offenders. They’re trash, always targeting a girl each and every year.

They’re abusing their position of authority. They know that once the girl has graduated, people at school won’t be talking about her, and he won’t become the topic of rumors.

I’m so sick of seeing pieces of trash like those teachers.”

This being Japan, where idealized depictions of student/teacher romances aren’t uncommon in fictitious media, one commenter felt @barbeejill3 was being too harsh. The vast majority of reactions, though, were from people who shared his distaste for teachers treating their roll sheets like a dating pool.

“It shows that the whole time she’s been in the teacher’s class, he’s been looking at her like that. It’s disgusting.”

“Basically, it’s just that he’s a pathetic man who can’t attract an adult woman.”

“One of my friends at cram school had a crush on a teacher who was married and had a kid. I broke down crying trying to stop her from going out with him, but she wouldn’t listen. A year later, when I saw her again, she said, ‘He wasn’t the kind of person he said he was. Even after I dumped him, he still says he wants to see me again. He’s become a stalker, and I’m scared.’”

“You should never think a teacher who asks you out has only asked you out. There are teachers out there who are dating multiple students at the same time.”

Oddly enough, while @barbeejill3’s words make it pretty clear that he doesn’t think any schoolgirls should be responsive to a teacher’s romantic overtures, he doesn’t offer any concrete advice beyond that. Reporting the teacher to the school’s administrative staff, or at least her parents, seems like it’d be a good place to start.

Source: Twitter/@barbeejill3 via Hachima Kiko
Top image: Pakutaso
Insert image: Pakutaso

Step away from these men and no one gets hurt.

Dating men can be quite the experience. Online dating and dating apps like Tinder have opened up a whole new venue for women to meet all types of men, including a plethora of guys they really shouldn’t date.

With all of this opportunity, the best dating advice I can offer women is that it’s critically important not to waste your time chasing men who will never be right for you.

To accomplish that, you need to know which signs are a dead giveaway that any relationships with certain men you meet are guaranteed to go nowhere, and may even be toxic for you.

RELATED: 5 Must-Know Tips To Keep The Dating Scene From Eating You Alive

If your goal is to meet a good man, build a healthy relationship, get married and have children, there are guys you simply cannot afford to waste your time on.

Keeping this in mind, if you meet any of these three types of guys, consider all signs pointing to nothing but toxic relationships.

1. Immature men

This one is tricky because immature men are often charismatic. They’re a lot of fun, and often quite handsome.

The problem is that they like to live in the moment so much that they don’t want any pressure. They want to “see how things go”. In other words, they have no plans for the future.

This type of guy wastes women’s time. They always have excuses, and they typically seem so close, yet so far.

If a guy seems like he may be too good and too charming to be true, he probably is, and lack of a plans for the future is a dead giveaway that a relationship with him will go nowhere.

RELATED: What You Must Know If You’re Truly Serious About Finding Love

2. Overachievers

You definitely want a hard-working guy, but sometimes, especially when a guy is young, he’s so focused on his career and on making money that having any kind of relationship other than hookups isn’t likely to be on his radar.

You can tell a man is like this if he’s always busy … except for when he calls or texts you for the occasional late night booty call. Once in a while he might take you on an actual date, but he’ll only do the bare minimum to keep you hanging on the line.

I have a lot of male clients who are busy, career-oriented men. They don’t have a lot of spare time, but they make time when they are truly interested in a woman.

The problem with overachieving men is that they just don’t get how important this is until it’s too late. And perhaps the saddest part is that when do commit and get married, they often don’t make time to see their children often enough, and that’s not good for anyone.

3. Players

This should go without saying, but a man wouldn’t be called a player if he wasn’t playing with anyone.

Women tell me all the time, “I wouldn’t date a player,” or, “I don’t date players.”

But as much as I hate to say it, that’s not how it always play out in real life.

The reason for this is that players typically don’t advertise themselves as players. They are adept at telling women what they want to hear. However, if you listen closely, you’ll hear a common theme in your conversation with these men. They don’t have plans that include you, and they don’t have plans for the future.

All of this is good news for you, because now you know what signs to listen for.

Notice how I used the word “listen”. I didn’t say “look for”.

If you want to be with a quality man, listening is the most important part of the deal. What a man says has to sound good to you.

RELATED: 3 Personality Traits Women Should Expect To Find In Men Worthy Of Their Love

You’ll know a man is ready for and interested in having a healthy relationship when he makes an actual plan with you.

For example, he’ll say something like, “I’d like to take you out on Friday. I’m thinking we can go to this new sushi restaurant at 8:00 PM. How does that sound to you?”

Or he makes unsolicited declarations, such as, “I’m working on my financial assets so I can have a family and children,” or, “My plan is to get married and have children in the next three years.”

This is how a mature man sounds.

Immature men might be a big hurdle for you because they often look so good. They may be good in bed, but they don’t have plans for the future.

Overachievers may seem like good catches because they’re career-oriented and focused on making money, but often, they don’t have the heart for healthy relationships or successful marriages. They’re more likely to see dating as a game and women as challenges to be won.

Players are the guys women often get involved with by accident. Dating them may start as a late-night hookup when you’ve had too much to drink.

That’s okay, We all need to have fun once in a while.

But, if you really want to be on your A-game, these are three types of guys you should never date, because they’ll only waste your time.

And honestly, who wants that?

RELATED: 5 Types Of Guys Who Make The Best Boyfriends (But Are Often Overlooked)

James Allen Hanrahan is a highly sought after relationship coach for strong women based in Los Angeles who offers a free Chemistry to Commitment formula for lasting love. If you’re a smart woman struggling to achieve relationship success, and tired of dating the wrong guys, connect with him via his calendar link to make finding time easy.