Relationships Talk

While we’re in the midst of cuffing season, many have made it their New Year’s resolution to find love in 2019. There’s data to prove this. According to Tinder, the dating app sees as much as a 26 percent increase in global matches on the first Sunday of each new year. Hence, the dating app has identified today as the day when most new matches will actually meet up for the first time (aka First Date Friday).

But with hundreds or even thousands of people to swipe left and right on, how does one actually find a compatible match to go on a first date with? We interviewed Dr. Darcy Sterling, Tinder’s Dating and Relationships Trend Expert to find out. Check out her tips in the gallery below!

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John Aiken, is a relationship and dating expert featured on Nine’s hit show Married At First Sight. He is a best-selling author, regularly appears on radio and in magazines, and runs exclusive couples’ retreats.

Every Saturday John joins 9Honey exclusively to answer your questions on love and relationships.

If you have a question for John, email: dearjohn@nine.com.au.

Dear John,

A friend and I started dating and recently split up. We were friends for years and only dated for three months. He gave me the idea that he wanted it to be really chill with no strings attached but, to be honest, I was happy to have more.  

Knowing that he wanted it to be casual and nothing more serious, I ended it. I think he agreed it wasn’t working out and assumed we’d continue being friends from there — We always swore that we’d remain friends, regardless of whether or not our romantic relationship worked out.

However, since we broke up I haven’t heard from him.

First, I texted later that day (of the break up) and then the day after but still haven’t heard from him. I feel really hurt. I feel like I have lost a friend and also feel like he didn’t mean it when he said we would remain friends. I don’t know whether to try and contact him again or to just give him space?

The thought of having lost him forever is just too hard to deal with. I feel sad every day because we went from talking every day to nothing and I don’t understand how he can do that. How do I start talking to him again?

‘He’s gone completely silent when we said we’d remain friends’ (Getty)

Put simply – you don’t. You’ve learnt a very important lesson here, and you need to move on now knowing that you tried to have a relationship with a guy who wasn’t into commitment. I know that’s probably hard to hear, but you essentially wanted more and he didn’t. So rather than trying to keep talking with him, step back and accept the facts. Sever all contact with him, learn from this and focus on getting involved only with guys who want long-term.

It’s so important to remember that when you’re dating, the people that you meet will always reveal themselves. They will tell you who they are and what they want. In your case, he told you he only wanted to ‘chill’ and keep things casual. Translated – he’s not into having a long-term relationship. It’s more about the sex. And as it turned out, he was true to his word. No surprises. So when it ended, he simply cut contact and moved on.

This is a painful experience that you must learn from. You need to be disciplined now about looking out for red flags. And one of the biggest signs a guy is going to hurt you is if he tells you early on that he’s not into anything serious. The problem that you had was that you thought he would change. You hoped that his talk of friendship and the time you spent together would mean he could fall in love with you. It doesn’t work that way. What a guy tells you early on is the truth – and you need to be listening.

In saying all of this, I don’t want you to beat yourself up for what’s happened. We’ve all fallen for someone who didn’t love us back. It’s all part of the learning process, and you will survive this. It’s not a failure, but rather it shows flaws in him and has made you more clear about what you need and want in your next partner. Hold you head up high and remind yourself that you’re a catch. There are plenty of guys that you will meet in the future that are mature enough for a long-term relationship – he just wasn’t one of them.

Dear John,

My girlfriend and I are in the process of moving out together but we’re having a tough time trying to negotiate – and support each other’s “deal breakers” for where we want to live. I ideally want to move closer to my office, but she wants to same in the same area that she currently lives in where her friends and family are. I also want to try and move somewhere cheaper to save money to buy our own house, she wants to live somewhere out of our current price range – she doesn’t seem to be concerned about saving for our future? In fact, I think she has a problem dealing with her money and it’s something we’ve argued about before.

She told me that she’s already had to make sacrifices in the past deal with long travel times to and from work and believes that I just need to make my own “sacrifices” now and put up with it too. It’s causing arguments and a bit of resentment because I feel like neither of us really want to budge on our personal “deal breakers” but every time we discuss it, it turns into a fight.

How can we discuss it in a positive way and move forward with something that works for both of us?

‘We can’t come to an agreement on where we want to live’ (Getty)

I think the time for polite negotiation is over. You mentioned that you’ve been in gridlock for some time and you argue about the same ‘dealbreakers’ around where you want to live. Translated – the time for talking is over. Somebody is going to have to suck it up and compromise. And from where I’m sitting it’s going to need to be you. She’s made sacrifices in the past, and now it’s your turn to step up.

I’m sure that’s not what you wanted to hear, but I’m going on what you’re telling me. She’s pointed out very clearly that she’s had enough of compromising and making sacrifices for you. She’s not going to do this anymore and you need to listen. She’s hit her threshold and she’s done. So you have a choice here. Jump on board and say ‘yes’ to her, or watch her walk away.

The question you need to be asking yourself now is how you really feel about her? Because this will determine your ultimate decision. If you’re in love with her and want a long-term commitment, then you’re going to smile and compromise and do what she says. If on the other hand, you don’t see a long-term future with her, then you have your answer. What she’s asking you to do is too extreme and you’re going to let her go and move on.

If I’m you, I would jump in and give it go. Be the one to compromise and say ‘yes’ to her. What have you got to lose? So what if you find out down the track that it was all too hard and things didn’t work out. It’s a learning experience, you had to do this to really find out if she was the one. Move to where she wants to live, commit to her and then watch what happens. My hope is that it all works out really well and the things you worried about didn’t turn out to be so important after all. Regardless, it’s all on you – she’s going to live where she wants – are you going to be there to share it with her?

Dear John,

I am a 36-year-old single parent to one child. I have been separated from my husband for three years and have 100% care of my son. In the early stages of my separation, an old ‘flame’ surfaced. He contacted me on social media, we chatted for a month or so before meeting for a coffee. We did become physically intimate but he soon learned his partner was four months pregnant, so he broke it off. 

Three months into the child’s life he contacted me and asked to see me and things basically picked up where they left off. We were on and off for a while but again, he broke off our relationship to try and make things right between the mother of his child. 

I took that opportunity to work on myself. I learnt many things about myself and after about 6 months, I met someone. A new partner who fed all the needs I craved in the previous encounter with this man. It was wonderful and he thought I was the bee’s knees.

Regrettably, that relationship ended. However, I was calm in ending it. I respected him and he respected me, we remain friends.

Then, in July of last year the other guy and I reconnected. I was sure I was over it but after some time I agreed to meet for a coffee and hand-on-heart felt no emotion (apart from nerves after not seeing him for 1.5 years) for him. I sat and asked him with a genuine interest how his child was and his relationship, and everything that had been happening in the time since we last saw each other.

In late September he contacted me telling me his relationship had ended again, they were now living apart and they were managing the care of their daughter on an ad hoc basis. We agreed to get back together and take things slowly, on the condition his ex-partner doesn’t find out.

I have become unsettled with the secrecy he has placed on me/us. He maintains that should his child’s mother find out about me then it would hinder his time with his daughter. However, I would like for the relationship to progress — to get to know his friends, his family and eventually introduce our children.

Feeling like someone’s secret is making me question my worth and my importance in his life. I do not wish to remain a secret because she may not handle the news of him moving on well. I do not wish to upset her, and I certainly do not want to add pressure on him and have it impact his time with his daughter, but at what point to I put my needs first? 

I need a neutral perspective on the relationship. I don’t like the way I feel about being a secret. I also understand his concern about his daughter and have avoided forcing this because I know she is his absolute priority. 

I am supportive of a private relationship — I don’t want a social media announcement — but I also want the opportunity to move forward.

‘My boyfriend insists on keeping our relationship a secret’ (Getty)

I’m going to be very blunt with you because you need some home truths. The man you have chosen to go back with time and time again has not changed. He has no interest in being in an open and transparent relationship with you, and this ‘semi relationship’ you currently have with him is never going to progress. He will continue to keep you secret from everyone close to him and he’s not discussing it with you because in his mind there is no compromise. So it’s your move now, stay and put up with this treatment (with no more complaints) or leave and get better.

This is not confusing or difficult to understand. He has been consistent with you ever since you’ve known him. He will not commit to you. He will not prioritise you. He will not introduce you his nearest and dearest. He will not change. He has been who he has always been, and regardless of your protests for more, he will not progress this relationship. The confusion for me is why you still stay and hope for different?

I don’t mind if you decide to continue to see this guy, but you have to take some responsibility now for what you’re doing. You’re choosing to be with a guy who is never going to commit to you and make your relationship public. That’s OK, but stop thinking it’s ever going to be different. Just suck it up and accept that this is all he’s ever going to give you. It’s been long enough now for you to know that this is as good as it gets – so embrace it, rather than complain about it.

And while I’m on it, be open with all your friends and family about it. When they ask you why you’re with a guy like this, smile and say because “I want to be with a partner who doesn’t commit and hides me from the world. It’s the best I can do.” I want you to be loud and proud about the man you’ve chosen to get involved with.

Now if this doesn’t sit well with you (and let’s be honest – it shouldn’t), then it’s time to start being more loving to yourself. Rather than accepting that this guy is your soul mate, cut all contact and move on. Open yourself up to meeting a new guy who is going to treat you well and who can meet your needs. Either way, you need to get on with things and stop playing the victim role in this. If you want to stay that’s fine – no more expecting him to change. Otherwise, go get better from someone who’s wants to show you off to the world!

The opinions expressed in this column are for general informational purposes only, are based on limited information and are not professional advice. You should always seek your own professional advice for your circumstances. Any actions taken are the sole responsibility of the reader, not the author or 9Honey.

Some questions have been edited for publication.

Kezia Noble didn’t set out to be a professional dating coach; it was an opportunity that fell into her lap one night in 2006. She was having a drink at a bar in London when a man came up to her with an unusual proposition. He said he was a dating coach, and he was looking for love-savvy women to help him advise his clients.

He invited Kezia to join him at a weekend boot camp where she and a handful of other women would give their thoughts during practice pickup sessions. Kezia thought it’d be fun, so she agreed and took her first step in becoming a professional dating expert.

“I did it for the experience,” she said. “I was interested in helping men get results in the dating scene and seeing the social dynamics and psychology at play.”

Kezia stood out during the practice sessions because she was the only woman willing to be totally honest with her partners. She didn’t sugarcoat the truth, and the men appreciated her candor because it helped them grow. After the weekend was over, the dating company hired Kezia as a full-time coach, and she began honing her advice and techniques to help single men improve themselves and their love lives.

In 2009, she launched a YouTube channel to expand her influence and make her dating expertise accessible to single men around the world. Her popularity led to a book deal for “The Noble Art of Seducing Women,” and by 2010 Kezia was ready to start her own dating coaching company.

Now, as Founder and CEO of Kezia Noble Ltd, Kezia and her team of trainers offer practical guidance that caters to single men who want to attract dates but don’t know what to say or how to act in romantic situations.

“Men come to me for my honest insights,” Kezia said. “They come for help with specific areas of life, and they don’t want generic advice, so my straightforward approach appeals to them.”

How to Work on Your Inner Game & Build Confidence

In the last decade, Kezia has established a global reputation as a straight-talking dating coach for men. Her advice videos have received over 60 million views, and her bootcamps and mastery programs have helped thousands of men pick up dates and build relationships.

While she has worked with men as young as 19 and as old as 60, Kezia’s typical client is a single man in his 30s or 40s. “They’re at this funny age for dating,” she said. “They’re too young to give up but too old to go to a nightclub.” These guys tend to have great careers as lawyers, doctors, businessmen, or other professions, but they haven’t cracked the secret of dating just yet.

Many clients suffer from approach anxiety and want to learn how to attract the women they desire. Some have recently gotten out of a long-term relationship and find the dating scene has dramatically changed thanks to online dating. Some clients say they’re tired of using dating sites and apps and would rather charm women in person than on Tinder.

“I see us heading for a massive online dating hangover,” Kezia said. “A lot of people aren’t getting the results they used to online. It isn’t living up to expectations.”

Kezia Noble Ltd. focuses on teaching attraction techniques to help men approach women in real life.

No matter what issues her clients face, Kezia can walk them through a straightforward process to improve what she calls “The Inner Game” and put them in the right mindset to see instant results. Her online products and international bootcamps provide clear advice for single men in a variety of situations. She also offers personalized training sessions for clients who are serious about making a change in their lives.

The 7-Day Mastery program is a week-long one-on-one training course designed to bring out the best in clients. The customized course includes over 75 hours of live training and feedback. The course addresses confidence issues, body languages, and self-limiting beliefs so that clients feel prepared to approach and woo women. Kezia and her team monitor the client’s progress through the training materials and offer bespoke advice to help them reach their dating potential.

This comprehensive and immersive course is not for the faint of heart. Singles have to be willing to take action, do the work, and improve themselves if they want Kezia’s dating strategies to yield dating results.

“If only I had done this amazing course years ago!” said Neil London in a testimonial. “Kezia and her team were not only sincere and honest, but they pushed me to achieve things that I once thought were impossible.”

A Dynamic Team Focused on the Art of Attraction

As the CEO of a dating company, Kezia leads a passionate team of dating coaches who can train men in the ways of love and attraction. Her team includes daytime date strategists, fashion stylists, social ninjas, pickup artists, and other dating and relationship experts. These wingmen and wingwomen have taken a page from Kezia’s coaching playbook and deliver honest criticism to clients.

“I’m proud of my team and the way they pull no punches,” Kezia said. “They’ve been doing a great job, and we’ve been able to help so many guys out there. It’s crazy.”

Over 20 intelligent and effective dating coaches pool their talents to assist Kezia’s clients.

These skilled trainers run bootcamps in the U.K., the U.S., and other countries around the world. They each bring a unique perspective on the dating world, and their collaboration creates a self-improvement environment where there’s something for everyone. Want to overcome social anxiety? Talk to Mark J. Need to work on your image? Consult with Daniel.

Each professional has his or her own advice-giving style and expertise, and that increases the chances that they’ll be able to help a client gain clarity in the dating scene.

Kezia said that even though her trainers are distinct in their coaching styles, they share a common impulse to help singles. They are united in their mission to make the dating world a better place. “You have to be a teacher, and you have to be empathetic and patient,” she said. “We have a great bunch right now. It’s kind of a mishmash of personalities, but it really works.”

What’s Next: An Unfiltered Podcast That Pulls No Punches

Kezia didn’t get where she is today by shying away from the truth, and she plans to continue telling it like it is in her upcoming podcast series. Set to launch in February 2019, A Piece of the Attraction, which you can follow on Instagram, will be a sometimes blunt but always informative resource for singles wondering what’s really going on in the dating world.

The unfiltered podcast will speak to singles in a fun and engaging way. Kezia and her team will give their honest opinions on attraction, sex, love, and relationships, tackling sensitive topics without hesitation. Kezia said listeners can expect to hear many different perspectives on dating, and she will challenge experts to give advice that actually works and makes sense.

“It’s unfiltered, so the gloves are off,” Kezia said. “It’s raw and honest. Every dating expert who works for me will be on the podcast at some point, and I’ll really hold their feet to the fire.”

In addition to grilling noteworthy dating experts, Kezia will also offer her own unique perspective on the dating world. She told us she will open up about her personal life for the first time since she came into the public eye, and some of the juicy details may surprise even her loyal followers.

Kezia hasn’t yet found that perfect relationship, but she has found value in every dating experience. By talking about her journey to single motherhood, Kezia intends to create a dialogue around what it means to be a successful dater in the modern world.

Kezia’s emotional honesty and candid attitude have been the key to her success as a dating coach, and she intends to go from strength to strength as she enters the podcasting world and lets her audience get to know her in a new and eye-opening way.

“I wouldn’t give the same advice if I hadn’t lived the life I’ve lived,” she told us. “I’m upfront about the fact that I’m not a relationship expert — I’m a dating expert.”

Kezia’s Authenticity is the Secret to Her Success

Thanks to a weekend bootcamp, Kezia found her calling as a dating coach in 2006, and she has pursued a career in the dating industry ever since. Over the years, she has amassed a global following thanks to her blunt yet effective coaching style. Hundreds of thousands of single men have taken her advice and run with it, and she has received testimonials from many clients now in committed relationships.

Whether she’s speaking to millions of viewers on YouTube or engaging in one-on-one practice sessions, Kezia’s authentic guidance resonates with single men who are tired of swiping and ready to move forward with a real-life relationship. Kezia speaks from the heart and empowers men to date with confidence.

“I would never coach women because I’m clueless,” Kezia said with a laugh. “But when it comes to giving advice to guys, that’s what I’m good at. I don’t water down what to do, and I stick by every word.”

Anna Faris is really out here living her best life post-divorce. Sure, the world was collectively heartbroken when Faris and her husband of eight years, Chris Pratt, announced their divorce in August 2017, but it seems like both actors are happy and getting on well. For Faris, that means finding success in all aspects of her career, including her hit podcast, Anna Faris Is Unqualified. In it, she and her celebrity guests give listeners top-notch dating and relationship advice, and sometimes, they get a little personal. In fact, so personal, that Anna Faris’ comments about her sex life will have you laughing out loud, and give you a whole new appreciation for Faris and her blatant honesty. What would we do without it?

According to Us Weekly, Faris got real about her sex life on the Jan. 10 episode of Unqualified. After a listener called in asking about threesomes, Faris started discussing her own sex life, her turn-ons, and her biggest tips for keeping the spark alive in a relationship. Obviously, sex is fun and exciting, but it can also be awkward and nerve-wracking, which Faris totally gets. That’s probably why her sex tips and tricks are so fun, and definitely make it clear that the 42-year-old is having a great time in the bedroom. She explained that she likes to “play different characters,” but that’s only the beginning.

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“Sometimes I’ll put on, like, my short black bob wig that I have and I play a different character, because I’m [an] actress,” she said according to Us Weekly. “I like to play different characters sometimes in a romantic situation. I like that it sort of satisfies my sensibilities of getting to be someone else and it is also, like, a turn-on for a partner.”

She’s not wrong! “Role-play is a powerful tool for sustaining a thriving, juicy, monogamous relationship,” Londin Angel Winters, intimacy coach and author of The Awakened Woman’s Guide to Everlasting Love, previously told Elite Daily.

It’s important to remember that sex can be different for everyone, and how one person chooses to express themselves and get it on is totally up to them and doesn’t have to impact anyone else. Faris further normalized role-play by telling listeners that she’s doesn’t think she’s a that great of a lover because, “I’m very lazy. Usually, I like to call myself a stripper named Tragedy. It turns me on.”

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Faris’ comments are hilarious, but they’re also honest, and that’s so important when it comes to de-stigmatizing sex and sexuality. “If a woman sees role-play as an opportunity to enjoy lots of different sexual energies with the same partner, she will tend to love and value role-play as a way of getting her need for variety met without having to play the field with different partners,” Winters said. In short, Faris is having some great, fulfilling sex, so good for her!

Currently, Faris is dating Michael Barrett, a 48-year-old cinematographer, and is clearly having a great time in her new relationship. Her split from Pratt behind her, Faris is starting a new chapter of her life, and that includes having amazing sex — wigs and all.