Relationships Talk

Think back to the last time you had a challenging moment with your SO. Chances are, you don’t have to think too hard. Relationships are tricky to navigate, and even your best friends can’t always make things easier when you’re struggling.

Fortunately, a new UK-based comedy on Netflix is here to help. Sex Education is crazy relatable, and exactly what you need to distract yourself from a fight—or inspire you to kiss and make up afterwards. Your call. The show, out January 11th, is centered around an awkward teenager named Otis whose mother is a sex therapist. It highlights the complexity of sex and dating in the 21st century, and it’s a good reminder that when it comes to relationships, sometimes we all just need a little help from our friends—and by friends, we mean licensed therapists.

To kick off the new year on the right foot, we asked two relationship experts for their help solving real-life dating woes. Ready to relate? Read on below.

1) I’m meeting my partner’s parents for the first time, and I’m super nervous—any advice?

Start by understanding that it’s totally normal to be nervous, assures relationship therapist Rachel Sussman, LCSW, who practices in New York City. “Step one is to calm yourself down with that realization, because everyone is at first,” she says. Next up: Ask your partner if there’s anything in particular you should know about their family dynamics, like if they’re super formal or really relaxed, and would they appreciate a welcome gift (and if so, what kind).

Finally, do your research and show up prepared with questions—just like you would if you were going into a business meeting, advises Sussman. If you know that one parent is a writer, for example, read some of their work before you go. (Or Google the company they work for.) “Having some questions prepared helps you feel more confident going in,” she says.

2) I’m in a long-term relationship, and it feels like my partner never makes time for me anymore.

The trick is to work together on this, rather than placing all of the blame on your partner, explains sex and relationship expert Emily Morse, PhD, host of the “Sex with Emily” podcast on iTunes and radio show on Sirius XM. “Everyone thinks of time differently, so it helps to actually sit down and have a real talk about exactly what your expectations are, instead of waiting for your partner to magically change,” she explains.

Once you’ve done that, consider finding new ways to spend time together each week—like taking a cooking class, starting a new game together, or planning more weekend getaways—to keep things as exciting as they were in the beginning.

Another tip: Plan for some time each week without digital distractions. The truth is that it can often feel like you aren’t spending a lot of time together, but you actually are—you’re just on your phones instead of with each other. “Some people do a 15-minute check-in, where you get home and put down your phones and talk about your day,” explains Morse, “while others do at least one dinner out each week where they leave their phones in the car.”

It doesn’t matter what you do, just do something phoneless: “To maintain a healthy relationship, it’s really important to connect without distractions,” she emphasizes.

3) I’m scared to talk to my partner about money—what’s the best way to do it?

It’s all about getting to the root cause of your money beliefs—especially because spenders and savers can easily end up together, says Morse. “Most of our views about money come from our childhood, so it’s important to talk to each other openly and honestly about how your parents approached money,” she continues.

Be upfront, even if it’s difficult. “Say something like, ‘My parents were penny pinchers, so that’s why I’m all about saving,’” she advises. On the flip side, be sure to listen to your partner’s point of view, too. “Then figure out a way to compromise where you’re going to spend and where you’re going to save.”

4) I think my partner may be cheating on me. What should I do?

It depends on where you are in the process, begins Sussman. If you’ve noticed the telltale signs of cheating—like your partner is constantly on their phone, or they change their password, or they’re traveling a lot for work but not checking in—then it’s best to try to find evidence before confronting them. You should never accuse them before you have proof. “If you accuse them of having an affair without evidence, they might just lie and cover their tracks even more,” cautions Sussman. Or, you could be wrong, and accusing them of something that intense could damage your relationship.

But if you haven’t noticed any of the signs and are instead acting on a feeling or intuition, the problem could be coming from within the relationship. “At that point, the best thing to do is simply ask your partner what’s going on,” she advises. Say something like, “I’ve noticed that you don’t let me hold you when I hug you anymore—is there something you want to talk about?” More often than not, once you sit down to talk about the issue that was tipping you off, it actually has nothing to do with infidelity, explains Sussman.

5) I’ve asked my partner to change a couple things about his behavior, like how he parties a lot, but he hasn’t stopped any of them. I know he really loves me, so why won’t he change?

Try to understand your partner’s behavior patterns, because there’s usually something bigger going on that doesn’t have to do with the actual act. “Sit them down and ask them why they’re doing what they’re doing—like, ‘Why do you feel like you have to party every night?’” advises Morse.

The answer will often reveal itself during that conversation, but if not, you can also try modeling the behavior you want to see, she continues. “Showing your partner, not [just] telling them, can also influence them to change their ways,” she says.

Letting them know how it makes you feel is a good option, too. If your partner has a habit of speeding, for example, “saying something like, ‘When you drive really fast in the car, it makes me feel nervous and anxious’ is a good idea,” Morse explains. It makes it seem less accusatory, and more like something you’re working on together.

If all of these tips don’t work, you may want to reconsider your relationship—because at the end of the day, most people don’t change in big ways unless they want to change, explains Morse. “We often date on potential, thinking our partners will change over time, but we can’t force that. If you’re with someone thinking it’s conditional based on a future behavior, you’re setting yourself up for failure,” she says.

6) I find myself getting crazy jealous when my partner talks to other women, even though I know it’s nothing. How do I stop?

Typically, feeling insecure in your relationship means that you may feel insecure in other areas of your life as well, explains Morse. So even though it may seem counterintuitive, do things that build up your confidence outside of your relationship, which will help you build up your self-esteem and feel better within your partnership.

Try challenging yourself more at work, or joining a club, or starting a new hobby—anything that will make your life feel even more full. “It’s definitely an inside job that doesn’t really have to do with your relationship at all,” Morse continues. If you try to find confidence elsewhere and the jealousy is still tearing you up inside, you could also try seeing a therapist to help you see just how amazing you are.

Now, check out the trailer for Sex Education to laugh slash feel all the feels, and don’t forget to tune in starting January 11!

ABC News(NEW YORK) — You said yes to a first date with someone you met online! Now what?

Online dating can be a cold experience at first, but expert Matthew Hussey has all the right moves to break the ice once you meet for the first time IRL.

After going through a dating app boot camp and “swiping up a storm,” Marisol Casariego said she narrowed down her options to just three men and she’s ready to move the flirty conversations to a first date.

But before she does dating expert Matthew Hussey shared some tips and what not to do for “First Date Friday” on GMA.

Hussey says there are a few key rules to abide by, and it starts with nonverbal communication.

Tips for non-verbal communication

Start with a friendly hug

Hussey suggests just the right amount of warmth upon the initial interaction, “I want you to Goldilocks it.”

“When you show up be warm. Give him a big hug. Don’t worry about being hot in the first five minutes,” he said. “There’s time but don’t play it too cool for school, either.”

Be aware of your seating arrangement

Hussey said many times people make the mistake of sitting across from one another, which he said “is intense because your energy is all pointed towards each other” and can make silence awkward. Instead, he suggests that both people sit on the corner at a right angle or bench style at the bar.

“You’re closer, so it should feel more awkward but it doesn’t because you’re not facing directly at each other,” he said. “If there’s a silence, you’re just people watching together.”

Tips for verbal communication

Don’t be too literal with your answers

There are some common questions people ask on a first date, but how you respond is key. Hussey said that asking, “How are you?” is just another way to find something to talk about so it’s good to give an answer with some detail to keep the date engaged.

Otherwise, he said it becomes like a game of tennis.

“You serve me the ball, I’m hitting it back,” Hussey explained. “Conversation is a game of catch. Let me catch it for a moment and take pressure off you and throw it back.”

Give your date a hook

When talking to your date, Hussey said it’s an opportunity to be honest and explain how you’re feeling so they have a hook.

Try to give high-value responses

Another common and “horrible question,” in Hussey’s mind, is, “Why are you still single?” He suggests keeping it simple and framing the answer to make your date think about themselves.

“When a guy says that to you he’s trying to make you think about you — But you’re not going to accept that. Instead, you’ll make him think about him. So when you say, I’m looking for a great connection and if I didn’t find that I wouldn’t settle. He’s now thinking, ‘Am I going to give her that great connection? Am I going to be good enough?’”

Casariego ultimately chose Brian Goldman, a third-year resident physician who loves hiking and being active outside. The two met face to face on GMA ahead of their first date to try out some of these tips together!

Copyright © 2019, ABC Radio. All rights reserved.

Prior to becoming a journalist, I spent a year working at Bridgwater Associates, the world’s largest hedge fund. Bridgewater is infamous for its culture of “radical transparency,” in which everyone, even the most junior employees, can openly critique their bosses, peers, or underlings.

During this fulfilling and insane year, everyone around me repeated one phrase: “Pain plus reflection equals progress.” They said it during interpersonal conflicts, when someone would start to cry. They said it during team celebrations, when major goals were hit. And most often, they wrote it via email, after particularly biting criticisms, of which there were many.

Once, when a friend called me asking for dating advice, I immediately responded, “Pain plus reflection equals progress,” to which she hung up.

Dalio’s fundamental theorem

“Pain plus reflection equals progress” is a cornerstone of the philosophy of Ray Dalio, the founder of Bridgewater and author of Principles, a business best-seller that lays out the 210 precepts underlying Bridgewater’s culture.

Much has been written about Dalio’s Principles since he published the manifesto in 2017. Essentially, the principles boil down to this: Success and growth are only possible if you pursue truth at all costs, by being genuinely curious, instead of defensive, about your strengths and weaknesses. Such vulnerability enables you to see your character, work, and relationships from a higher, objective lens. And only when you view yourself objectively, disconnecting from your ego, can you make truly logical decisions.

This sounds fine and good, except one hitch: Besides Bridgewater, few workplaces facilitate, or encourage brute honesty. In fact, many workplaces punish it.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t experience life-altering objectivity, vulnerability, and truth-seeking on your own, without alienating everyone you know. According to Dalio, the key is effective goal setting and goal iteration, which you can make happen by embracing the idea that … pain plus reflection equals progress.

Developing your principles

At the recent Summit LA18 ideas conference in Los Angeles, Dalio showed a slide to explain the goal-setting powers of his equation.

Ray Dalio explaining “pain + reflection = progress” at Summit LA18.

“I would go after audacious goals, and then I would succeed and fail,” he told the audience. And he found that the failures, and the challenges he encountered on his way to his successes, came with great benefits. “How you’re dealing with those problems is one of the most important things,” he said. “I started to realize… that pain plus reflection equals progress.” He continued:

“In other words, that painful situation, if you can diagnose what produced that failure, and then develop principles for dealing with it different at a different time, in a different way, and then you take those principles and you improve, you learn, you change things, then you improve and you … go on to more audacious goals. The way I look at life is pretty much like it’s this looping process, this evolutionary looping process. That means you go after your audacious goals, you fail, you learn. Failure is an important part of that process. You learn principles. You keep improving.”

“Principles are,” he said, “essentially recipes for dealing with situations that happen over and over again.” They often result from the lessons you learn as you set goals, try to achieve them, and then reflect on the experience. Whether you’re successful or not, your personal principles will crystalize, teaching you what to do in the future.

The key is being open to learning these personal principles, by embracing both the pain of failure itself, and the difficulty of reflecting on failure, without becoming defensive or egotistical. If you cannot honestly, non-judgmentally reflect on your successes and failures, you will repeat mistakes instead of setting the right goals in the future.

Don’t forget the micro-decisions, and other important reminders in Principles

Confronting failure is important. But according to Dalio, dissecting the individual decisions that help you set, accomplish, or fall short of your goals is the most essential element of the “pain plus reflection equals progress” equation. He explains his reasoning in the employee edition of Principles:

“As we head toward our goals we encounter an enormous number of choices that come at us, and each decision we make has consequences. So, the quality of our lives depends on the quality of the decisions we make. We literally make millions of decisions that add up to the consequences that are our lives.”

He clarifies that choosing well is not dependent on innate intelligence or creativity, but rather on character—meaning that anyone is capable of making smart decisions. From the employee edition of Principles:

“It is a fundamental law of nature that to evolve one has to push one’s limits, which is painful, in order to gain strength. Nature gives us pain as a messaging device to tell us that we are approaching, or that we have exceeded, our limits in some way. At the same time, nature made the process of getting stronger require us to push our limits. Gaining strength is the adaptation process of the body and the mind to encountering one’s limits, which is painful. In other words, both pain and strength typically result from encountering one’s barriers. When we encounter pain, we are at an important juncture in our decision-making process.”

Most people react poorly to pain by having a fight or flight reaction, says Dalio. This paralyzes them from finding ways around barriers, leading them to repeat their mistakes. But those who react well to the pain of confronting a failure tend to get stronger.

“This is because most learning comes from making mistakes, reflecting on the causes of the mistakes, and learning what to do differently in the future. Believe it or not, you are lucky to feel the pain if you approach it correctly, because it will signal that you need to find solutions and to progress. Since the only way you are going to find solutions to painful problems is thinking deeply about them—i.e., reflecting—if you can develop a knee-jerk reaction to pain that is to reflect rather than to fight or flee, it will lead to your rapid learning [and] evolving.”

Pain plus reflection equals progress. It’s an equation that will forever be stuck in my head. I consider that a blessing.

Fred Grandy, from left, Ted Lange, Jill Whelan, Gavin MacLeod, Cynthia “Lauren” Tewes and Bernie Kopell, cast members on the TV series “The Love Boat,” pose together at a Friends of Hollywood Walk of Fame honorary star plaque ceremony for the cast and Princess Cruises, Thursday, May 10, 2018, in Los Angeles. (Photo by Chris Pizzello/Invision/AP)

Ted Lange arrives at the Television Academy’s 70th Anniversary Gala and Opening Celebration for its new Saban Media Center on June 2, 2016, in the NoHo Arts District in Los Angeles. (Photo by Phil McCarten/Invision for the Television Academy/AP Images)

Ted Lange, an original cast member in the television series “The Love Boat,” is pictured at a Friends of Hollywood Walk of Fame honorary star plaque ceremony for the cast and Princess Cruises, Thursday, May 10, 2018, in Los Angeles. (Photo by Chris Pizzello/Invision/AP)

AURORA | Don’t go searching for “Love Boat” nostalgia in a Ted Lange play.

Lange, 71,  knows he is still best known for his tenure as Isaac Washington, the bartender equally dispensing mai tais and dating advice on the 1970s TV series known for corny goofs and romantic kerfuffles.

After the series ended in 1986, however, Lange looked forward – outpacing the post-peak career ennui experienced by some actors – by embracing playwriting. He said he’s written 27 plays to date, including “The Tears of Shylock”, an ambitious back-story of a character in a William Shakespeare play premiering Saturday night at 7 p.m. in Aurora’s Vintage Theater.

Well, sort of.

The performance is so far just a reading, Lange told The Sentinel, and Denver-area actors were just cast Thursday.

You may be asking: Why would Ted Lange , of all people, parachute into Aurora for a few days to direct a reading of a Shakespeare-inspired play?

You’re not alone. Vintage Theater Artistic Director Bernie Cardell said it is not uncommon at all for out-of-state artists to drop in like this without a fully-finished production.

Lange may be impulsive, but he’s not out-of-touch. In fact, he has deep roots in the metro area’s local theater. He would frequent Aurora’s Shadow Theatre, a prominent black-owned theater company, and developed a friendship with founder Jeffrey Nickelson before his tragic death in 2009.

Through his friendship with a local prop designer, Lange came back to Aurora in recent years to stage a reading at the Vintage Theater – whose main stage is named for Nickelson.

This time around, Lange will be directing and performing in a reading of his play The Tears of Shylock, which tells the story of the Jewish money lender and villain from his own perspective.

Lange is no stranger to Shakespeare, having acted in many adaptations from an early age (before Isaac Washington was even scripted) and he’s comfortable critiquing outdated modes of thinking in The Bard’s work: Namely, the Jewish stereotypes he said are written deep into “The Merchant of Venice”.

In the comedy, Shylock is characterized by greed and his lust for revenge before he is redeemed by converting to Christianity. He’s been viewed as a symbol of the devil himself in critiques, contrasted with symbols of the Virgin Mary.

It’s a racist and dehumanizing characterization, Lange said, so he stepped in to write Shylock’s perspective and offer context. He spoke passionately about correcting the record.

For example, he noted that Jews had been banished from living in England for several centuries before Shakespeare wrote the play, forcing him to rely on warped stereotypes. And in 16th-century Venice, he said – the setting of “The Merchant of Venice” – Jews were mostly confined to money lending and forced to live in a giant ghetto bounded by an iron gate, locked every night.

Lange’s perspective on Shylock is heavily informed by concerns with current American politics, especially the Trump administration policy of separating children from their parents at the southern border last summer.

It’s all the same tactic of “demonizing” people, he said.

“That’s an old game, and when you see my play you start to see – they’ve reinvented the game, but the game is still the same,” he said of government leaders. “I draw parallels from 1575 Venice to America.”

With “The Tears of Shylock”, Lange is crusading to set the record straight on a maligned character. He’s also adamant that it’s not all doom and gloom in the script: there’s ample laughs, and he thinks attendants will have an entertaining evening Saturday night at the Vintage.

The reading will be free, but a $5 donation is suggested to pay the actors, Lange said. Next, the play will be staged in Los Angeles and New York.

With this piece, Lange’s thinking is clearly more relevant to 2018 than 1977, when “The Love Boat” premiered.  Even so, some habits are hard to kick. Lange said he’s only in town until Monday, when he’ll fly back to Los Angeles, but he added that no visit to Denver is complete without Sunday brunch at the historic Brown Palace hotel.

It’s also a romantic spot for a date, and added: Just remember to tell the waiter Isaac, the bartender from “The Love Boat”, sent you.