Relationships Talk

Two questions.

Question one: A few years ago I was in a toxic relationship that left me feeling traumatized and abused mentally and physically. I left. Cut him off completely. I went to therapy. I started to feel better, and then… my toxic ex moved to my tiny town. He lives five blocks away. I can’t get a restraining order, I checked. He doesn’t call me or text me or email me. He just lives down the fucking street. There is a potential to bump into him everyday. Me bumping into him entails trauma response.

Friends don’t get it. When they hear of the situation they say, “Oh, that sucks,” like you might pass off losing your wallet. Many of them still don’t know how deeply he violated me. I don’t want to share the story with everyone who asks. I often end up feeling like I am on trial, even with well-meaning close friends or family. I’m put in the position of having to prove and re-prove that he was a dick, abusive, and gaslit me.

A year or two on and I feel distant from many of my old friends after feeling a lack of support (I am a lot closer to a few supportive folks), uneasy about living in my town, and unsure of what to do next. I’ve written multiple letters to him that I haven’t sent explaining how he hurt me, because I truly don’t believe he understands that he’s done anything despite watching my decline into PTSD and anxious suicidal state throughout the course of our relationship. He’s a classic narcissist. Charms his way through life and genuinely believes he is and describes himself as a do-gooder. But he was a sadist. What made him an abusive sadist instead of a decent kinkster was the lack of clear consent and refusal to process and cuddle and talk with me about boundaries when painful or scary or far-too-intense sex made me literally shake and unable to sleep for the rest of the night. Forty nights that year. I counted. Angry tirades when I told him that I was concerned we were pushing boundaries that were harming me. I’m glad I left. But now he’s down the damn street in a tiny town I bought a house and run a business.

What do I do? Do I confront him? I’m scared with his personality that he will only get off on it. How do I get better support from the friends who tell me to “not let it get to me”? Should I just fucking move?

Question two: I need dating advice. I have a career which involves my face and voice heavily. I’m not super famous, but I’m recognizable to many people. Enough so that I didn’t want to call this one in. And I’m single. Not just single but 38-years-old, wants-a-baby, lives-in-a-small-town single. I do not want to be on dating apps. No one uses them here anyhow because it’s such a small town and no one wants their business known. And, to complicate things further, my tastes are kinky. For a while I enjoyed chatting people up on Fetlife. But because of how small my town is and how public my career is I didn’t feel I could Be open regarding my location. I said I was from a bigger city far away. But I don’t want to date someone who lives in a city far away.

I love this little town. And yet I feel lonely here and hopeless about dating. The pool of available men here is both macho and vanilla. That’s not what I want. I am introverted and picky; most dudes annoy and offend me. Luckily I like other gendered/bodied people too. But… this a small damn town.

I want a life partner and am pretty sure I want a kid., But I feel stuck, being 38 with wrinkles and baggage, living in a small town, and having a public career. What should I do?

Situation Torments Unhappily Cloistered Kinkster

Two questions, one answer: MOVE.

Not because you should have to, of course, but because you have a perfectly good reason to move, STUCK, a reason unrelated to your awful ex.

I get it, STUCK: you love the small town where you live and work. But setting aside the fact that your ex’s presence is making you miserable, you’d like to find a partner and you can’t be open about what you want because you live in a small town and putting your kinky business out there could result in your kinky business being known. So pick a big city you like, someplace with a thriving kink scene and a wider selection of potential partners, a place where the residents have better things to talk about than the neighbors’ kinks. Then rent the house you own to a friend you trust, move your ass to that big city, and go find someone you can love and, fingers crossed, persuade to move to the small town you love.

With any luck, STUCK, your asshole ex will have moved away by the time you head back to that small town where you can’t be out about your kinks because it’s a small town where everyone knows each other’s business and besides all the men in that small town are macho and vanilla so what’s the point of being out about your kinks when there aren’t any kinky men around. (Some of those macho and vanilla guys in that small town could be just as kinky as you are — perhaps even good matches, kink-wise — but aren’t out about their kinks for the same reason you aren’t out about yours: they live in that small fucking town.)

As for your friends who aren’t being sufficiently supportive…

You don’t appreciate hearing, “Oh, that sucks,” STUCK, and I can certainly appreciate why that rankles. It doesn’t scale with your trauma. But in the next sentence you mention that many of your friends “don’t know how deeply he violated [you]” because you “don’t want to share the story with everyone who asks.” You’re unlikely to get the support you need from friends who don’t understand how bad the relationship with your ex was. If all most of your friends know is that an ex moved down the block and your the relationship was an unhappy one and you can’t stand the sight of him… well, most people who live in small towns have to navigate running into exes they loathe. Absent te details you don’t want to share, your problem is going to seen as something everyone who lives in a small town has to deal with: running into exes you loathe at the post office and the Piggly Wiggly.

You’re under no obligation to share the details with anyone, STUCK, but if not getting the support you need from friends who don’t know the details upsets you… well… then you might want to avoid discussing your ex with with friends who don’t know the details. Otherwise their reactions, informed as they are by two reasonable assumptions (everyone has exes they can’t stand, everyone who lives in a small town runs into exes they can’t stand), will result in more hurt feelings for you.

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By Lindsay Dodgson

• It can be hard to work out if someone is right for you or not.
• It’s especially hard right at the beginning of a relationship.
• INSIDER asked relationship experts how you can tell if someone is a good fit for you.

If you already have a partner, congratulations, you’ve beaten the system.

For the rest of us, modern dating is a minefield. There are so many rules and games to play it’s easy to lose track. You might be “left on read” by someone you really liked, and your mind may spin out of control when you’re over-analysing what their last few messages really meant.

The woes don’t necessarily stop when you find someone. With Tinder right at your fingertips, it’s tempting to go back and see if there is someone out there who is just a bit more perfect. With so much available choice, how are you supposed to know if someone is right for you? When should you stop over-thinking and finally commit?

INSIDER asked nine relationship experts for the signs to look out for when you’re trying to figure out if someone is right for you.

Keep reading to see what they said:

1. They pass the ‘bar test’

“As simple as this may seem, I call it the ‘bar test’ to know if you’re with the right person. When you’re at a bar (or restaurant, wherever) with your new partner, are you looking around to see who else is out there or who might see you two together? Or, are you perfectly content with your partner, and you want everyone there to notice you with him/her? If the latter is true, then he/she passes the test. But if it’s the former, it might be time to decide whether being in a relationship with this person is your best option.”

— Erika Ettin, dating coach and founder of dating site A Little Nudge

2. They don’t hold you back

“A person who can authentically be excited about your success and goals in life is someone who won’t feel the need to hold you back. Most unhealthy relationships include some form of sabotaging of one partner. Dating someone who is happy with their life means they can be happy for you and alongside of you.”

— Shannon Thomas, therapist and author of “Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse“

3. They don’t want to change you

“When you listen to your heart, you’ll feel whether or not the person you’re dating is right for you. This is known as ‘intuition’ — your heart’s message to you. Almost everyone can think back and recall a time when they didn’t listen to it. When you feel good, feel that your partner is patient and true, treats you the same in public as he/she does at home, then you’re on the right path. Keep in mind that your intuition may send out warnings as well. It may come as a gut reaction. For example, if your partner wants to change you in any way. He/she is not accepting you for who you are. If that happens, run. That is a sign of a controlling person and he/she will never treat you properly.”

— Tracy Malone, a relationship expert on YouTube

4. They fit into your life

“A good sign that someone is right for you is if you can imagine that person fitting in to other parts of your life and not just living in a microcosm of the relationship. Ask yourself: Do they get along with the other people in my life? Do I get along with their friends and family? Do we have mutual interests and things that we enjoy doing together that can be a source of sustainability in a relationship? If the answer is yes, then you may be on the right track.”

— Holly Daniels, a doctor who specialises anxiety, co-dependency, and relationship addiction

5. They listen to you

“One of the signs that your date is likely to make a good mate is that the he or she shows genuine interest in your life and listens attentively when you are speaking. They also remember things that you have told them about yourself.

“Conversely, if the person that you are dating nearly always monopolises the conversation, does not ask you about yourself or your day, and then tunes you out when you start speaking, these are clear signals that your date is not really very interested in you as a person except as an audience for them. If they are not interested now at the beginning of the relationship, they are likely to be even less interested later on.”

— Elinor Greenberg, psychologist and author of “Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety“

6. They’re happy when you’re happy

“It certainly helps if you’re dating someone that you want to make happy and who wants to make you happy in return. Couples who each truly place the needs and wants of their partners on par with or above their own seem handle a lifetime of compromising, juggling priorities, and collaborating better than couples who individually pursue their own best interests.”

— Laura VanderDrift, associate professor of psychology atSyracuse University’s College of Arts and Sciences and director of the Close Relationships Lab at Syracuse University

7. They comfort you when you’re sad

“One of the major signs that tells you if the person you’re dating is right for you is how they treat you when you’re sad, crying, having a bad day, or just emotional. Are they compassionate? Are they attentive? Do they stop what they’re doing to give you their attention? Are they distracted when you’re expressing your feelings and most of all, do they know when to just give you a hug? It may seem simple but this is a very important trait to know what kind of human being the person is. If they criticise you for being sad or tell you that how you feel is silly that you’re over-reacting, that may be something to pay attention to. They could show signs of narcissism. Although later, you may think you were over-reacting, it may be just as important to know you were being listened to in the onset.”

— Catenya McHenry, journalist and author of “Married to a Narcissist“

8. They have boundaries

“Something that is important is whether this person has boundaries. Boundaries are important because it means someone isn’t a pushover, and they can communicate when they are unhappy. When we are unhappy and we don’t say anything, our resentment builds up and boils over. Some women prefer the man to take charge. Some women want the man to be more passive. So you’ve got to think about your values. In healthy relationships, growth is very important, generally in the same direction, so you need to be able to have arguments, and conflicts and points of disagreements without killing each other. Rather it’s an opportunity to say, hey, this is how your brain works, this is how I feel, and can we actually learn from each other in this point in time, and grow in the same general direction, with our own wisdom and our own failures.”

— Perpetua Neo, psychologist, expert in toxic relationships, and creator of the Detox Your Heart program

9. The balance is in their favour

“One of the first ports of call of an effective narcissist or an effective manipulator is to dissociate you from your own capacity to listen to yourself and your own intuition. Once he’s marginalised your intuition, you then margianalise your common sense and your friends and other things. So I think it starts at a very subtle level, to listen to that sense that maybe something is wrong here, and just keeping yourself aware of that voice.

“Maybe it sounds a bit cruel, but in the fog of love, we abandon that voice quite quickly, because the other person is quickly perfect. So it can seem cruel to ask yourself, if anything were wrong here, what would I select first about what might be wrong? But when you give yourself permission to ask that question, then the intuition and the hunches can come back. And you may decide that you’ve considered them, there are ten things you don’t like that much, but there are a thousand things you love. Then great, get on with loving them. But ask yourself that question, and give yourself permission to consider those other things. It can salvage your intuition, and that part of you for good reason, although that may not be comfortable.”

— Jonathan Marshall, psychotherapist and executive coach

Originally published on Business Insider.

More from Business Insider:

A professor who’s spent years studying effective management says some of the best meetings involve almost no talking

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A man secretly filmed chatting up women as part of ‘relationship advice’ videos – including on how to f*** in alleyways and public toilets – has been labelled a predator.

Addy ‘Agame’ – who runs the DWLF (d*cks will last forever) YouTube page has come under fire after a BBC The Social investigation looked into his alleged role as a “dating and life coach.”

He claims to help men “master masculine qualities”, offering 1-to-1 coaching on how to “interact with hot girls”.

And he says the ‘game’ is the art of attracting ‘good quality women’ – which he claimed are ‘hard to find in Scotland.’

Addy ‘Agame” said in one video “p*ssy is the icing on the c*ck”

On his site it states: “Learn how to approach, talk, text, date and have sex with beautiful women. Be the chooser, not the chosen,” reports the Daily Record.

Some of the titles of his exploits include: ‘How to get girls to have threesomes with you’, ‘Why a b**** c*ckblocked me last night,’ and ‘Be the man wh*re player sex guy not the nice guy provider b*tch boy’, as well as ‘How to have sex with a feminist.’

In his clips, the YouTuber – who has more than 4,000 subscribers and often follows female targets – uses crude language including saying “p*ssy is the icing on the c*ck.”

He describes in one particular clip, how he overcame “a lot of last minute resistance from a woman.”

He added: “Eventually I just had to take a p*ss. I pulled my d*ck out to take a p*ss and said had she seen a circumcised d*ck before and that’s how the lay happened to start with.”

He has also uploaded audio of his trysts and filmed a woman as she slept next to a condom wrapper.

He’s secretly filmed approaching unsuspecting women in the streets

In another video, titled “How to f*** girls in alleyways and public toilets + 3 infields”, he approaches unsuspecting women on the streets while an accomplice secretly films the interaction.

During one of the incidents, Addy asks a young woman if she is “getting p****d tonight” before urging her to meet him in one of the city’s nightclubs.

In another video, titled “Why re-approaching girls can get you laid/full infield example”, he talks about how a girl will “welcome” it when a guy returns to speak to her despite initially turning them down.

He says: “Any situation that gets thrown at you, you turn to your advantage.

“Remember, you’re the guy and it’s your f*****g frame and she follows you. You lead.”

One person described the Glasgow ‘pickup artist’ as a “predator” and added “horrendous behaviour.”

Glasgow Greater Pollok SNP councillor Rhiannon Spear also tweeted her outrage.

He’s been called a “predator” by one YouTube user

She said: “Think about how he talks about women.

“Think about how he talks about sex and what he thinks about consent. This is turning consent and coercion into a game.”

Addy defended his videos and told BBC The Social: “The client base wants evidence of results as there are a lot of con men in the community.

“I don’t feel game will ever go mainstream. It’s not for the politically correct.

“The sex audios are consented.”

When asked if his exploits are in keeping with YouTube community guidelines, he said: “The criteria it meets is educational and documentary and it is not gratuitously graphic.”

In a statement, YouTube said: “YouTube has clear policies that outline what content is not acceptable to post and we remove videos violating these policies when flagged by our users.”

Two of Addy’s videos have since been removed from the platform for violation of their policies around sex and nudity.