Relationships Talk

Animation by Lisa Larson-Walker. Photo by PhotoAlto/Sigrid Olsson/Getty Images.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Send your questions for Stoya and Rich to howtodoit@slate.com. Don’t worry, we won’t use names.

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a guy who is single after nearly a decade in a mostly monogamous relationship. I’ve been dating and hooking up a fair bit, “making up for lost time,” etc. Recently, one man who I had dated/slept with a few times reappeared and began pursuing me again. I responded positively at first but found myself not replying to his texts, and eventually he took the hint, but then asked me: “Just curious, why aren’t you interested? I thought we really hit it off.” The truth is, we did. But I have not replied, because I’m embarrassed to have realized the reason is that his dick is smaller than I’m used to. I’ve never thought this would matter that much to me, and I’ve seen so many advice forums reassure smaller guys that anyone who would reject someone for his penis size “is an asshole anyway.” Am I one?

—Sweats the Small Stuff

Dear Sweats the Small Stuff,

I don’t think you’re an asshole, but it does sound like you’re a size queen. The designation exists for a reason. We like what we like, and you happen to like dicks that are at least bigger than this guy’s. It’s not the end of the world, and even if everybody doesn’t take as hard of a line, many can relate. Big dicks are great fun, and I recommend every dick lover hold at least one in their hands at some point in their lives just to understand the marvels of human anatomy. I love a big dick like I love a piece of pizza: I’m not necessarily having either every time I chow down, but I can’t imagine life without them on the menu.

I think the difference between a size queen and an asshole is absolutism. If there is no way that a guy with a fun-size Snickers bar between his legs could ever be your man—regardless of his personality, facial beauty, interests, worldliness, and shit, even bank account—then you might be an asshole. If you could forgive a dick that doesn’t get you going just by thinking about it in light of other positive qualities, you’re not an asshole. Simple.

The optimist in me suspects that regardless of your “hitting it off” while hanging a few times, he just didn’t have enough sparkling qualities to compensate for the weenie. I’ve been there. A big dick can forgive quite a few (though by no means all) shortcomings, and a smaller dick can make an already underwhelming guy seem even less … whelming. Hopefully you’re at least open to the possibility of being swept off your feet by a dude who is hung like a snail. But I can’t make that call for sure from what you’ve given me, and I don’t know if even you can. You’re going to have to look inside yourself, and deeply. If you’re the size queen I think you are, going deep may take a while, and may resemble a spelunking expedition. Wear a headlamp.

Dear How to Do It,

I like to schedule time for sex to make sure it happens and to increase my anticipation so I’m ready and in the mood, but my partner likes to be spontaneous and thinks scheduling sex takes the fun out of it. The problem is, I worry that if/when we don’t schedule time for sex, it doesn’t happen as often, because we’re both so busy with work and are often tired at the end of a long day. Is there a compromise option?

—About Time

Dear About Time,

Pardon me if this is obvious, but there seems to me an extremely logical compromise: Do one week your way, one week your partner’s. Repeat a few times. Take written note of how much you’re banging so that you can compare and contrast the frequency within the different approaches.

It seems that while you are a type-A, data-oriented sort of person, you don’t have firm proof that your way is the right way—you merely fear that your partner’s way will lead to less sex. All you have is time, really, so test your hypothesis. Collect that data and at the end of some period of time—say, a month or two—see whose way yields more sex. This is a low-risk proposition: If your suspicions are, in fact, incorrect, you do not have to reveal that you’ve been creating a relatively elaborate and, let’s face it, kind of insane chart plotting the frequency of your sex. You can sit on the results, and your defeat, in silence, and your partner is none the wiser. And you will have learned something about trusting your partner and the galvanizing effects of spontaneity. Also, you’ll be having more sex than if you did it your way, anyway. Your life will be enriched no matter what.

But keep in mind that being right only goes so far in relationships, and while your concern here is one of quantity, it seems that your partner’s is one of quality. I don’t buy that planning takes all the fun out of sex, but the specific flavor of spontaneous sex is clearly something that your partner craves. Regardless of what your great experiment finds, you’re going to have to feed that craving somehow. I recommend determining your baseline amount of times per week that satisfies you and knock the number down a few, which can be picked up by your partner whenever they choose. Some wild cards, if you will. That way you’re still planning, and your partner gets to have spontaneous sex in a way that doesn’t endanger your precious frequency. You’re still having sex either way, so win-win.

Incidentally, I am a planner as well, so I suspect your way is right. If you are so inclined to take me up on my first suggestion, please write in with the results of your experiment. You can send a Google doc—I would love to see it.

Dear How to Do It,

At drinks with a few friends recently, one friend said she was going on a date with a man who strongly hinted on his online dating profile that he was into exploring BDSM, particularly the B. My friend is fairly sexually experienced but has not dabbled much in that world. She seemed interested in the idea, and this being a happy-hour situation, there were jokes involving Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan. We moved on. In seriousness, she’s a 30-year-old woman, and I don’t see the problem here. But another of our friends who kept quiet during the conversation texted me afterward, “How could you joke about that? Why would [Friend] want to be with someone who wants to hurt her?” I told her this interest is pretty common and to Google it, but she won’t let it go, especially now that a couple of those dates have happened. Am I being too cavalier, like she insists? If not, what is the best way to shut this conversation down?

—Victor Rasuk

Dear Victor Rasuk,

I’m seeing red after reading this question, and it’s not because there’s a blindfold covering my eyes. Your text buddy, Judge Rude-y, is way out of line. She’s conflating consensual play with abuse, and the reason that she’s doing so is that she’s not making any attempt to understand the difference. Her lack of good faith and her intellectual laziness are apparent in the very manner she delivered her message—instead of asking your mutual kink-curious friend about the ethics of submitting sexually then and there, she waited until that friend was out of sight and talked to you about it. It seems that she has her mind made up to the point of not even wanting to entertain why someone would embark on a journey to the bottom of the dungeon in the first place. She is essentially gossiping. If she were so worried about the Anastasia Steele-in-waiting that you both know, surely she would talk to her and not you. Not only does she think she has the answers, but she isn’t even revealing them to the person that could, by her terms, benefit from hearing them.

Most offensive in all of this may be the idea that Judge Rude-y thinks she knows better than Anastasia about Anastasia’s own desires. That’s downright patriarchal. You have established that your friend who’s dipping her toe into BDSM is a grown woman. She seems fun and adventurous and not the type to talk shit about someone who’s trying out a new method of hunting for orgasms. She’s doing it right.

There are few things I find more corrosive than someone who judges others for their ways of pursuing (consensual) pleasure. It always, always, always is more about the judge than the judged. We could tsk at others until our tongues are stubs for doing things that we’re not into, or we could just accept that humanity’s sexual canvas is infinite and will always be regardless of those who try to contain it. We all may as well just take a step back and admire the vastness.

I’m fairly unforgiving about these things. I judge judges quite harshly, so her judgment is, in my opinion, grounds for unfriending. You may have more patience than I do, so if you want to continue having a person in your life who concern-trolls people who are having a good time and expanding their worldviews and capacity for pleasure, you could suggest that she brush up on her Gayle Rubin, specifically the notion of benign sexual variation. Send her a link to Rubin’s Wikipedia page, not that she’ll click it.

Or just don’t engage with this topic when she brings it up. Ignore her texts. You can’t gag her literally—though part of me suspects that she’s so against BDSM because of her own shame over her curiousness about it—so do it metaphorically.

Dear How to Do It,

Perennial but very real question: What should I do if I feel weirded out by my partner’s fetish? I’m willing to try it out, but I think I’m just going to be grossed out and not turned on at all.

—Not Feeling It

Dear Not Feeling It,

In general, I think the fair thing to do is give it the college try with a straight-A student’s attitude. You really shouldn’t go into it thinking that you’re going to be grossed out—you’re setting yourself up for failure. Meditate on this, break it down to the mechanics, and give it a sincere attempt. Make like Corinthians, and let love be your guide.

I’ve been in your situation before, and while I have never absorbed a partner’s fetish per se, when I’ve engaged with one repeatedly—in the case of boyfriends who, at their sexual essence, are just kinky—I’ve taken on a sort of arousal by proxy. That is to say, if some practice or object becomes so integrated into my sex life because of my partner’s interest in it, I’ve found that I may start to associate it with sex myself. And then it becomes as much of a staple in the getting-off process as kissing or oral.

That would be sort of an ideal outcome, and it’s meeting halfway. Of course, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, and if you try it and it just isn’t working for you, it’s fine to say so. Besides, another thing I’ve found is that people with fetishes often like people who have the same fetishes they do, and even if I’m game, I’m not getting it up on feet alone (to use a completely random example that may or may not be plucked from my past). Sometimes your kinky partner wants a partner who gets the same excitement that they do, and you will likely never be that partner. In that case (it’s not always!), for the good of their sexual pleasure, I recommend at least considering opening up the relationship and letting them have their fun. I know this is daunting and advanced and requires much communication and planning, but at the end of the day, sometimes it can be nice to unlatch the gate and let the horny kinksters go out and play.

—Rich

Has the host of The Bachelor finally found love? According to Entertainment Tonight, Chris Harrison and ET correspondent Lauren Zima are dating. The pair walked the red carpet together at Entertainment Weekly‘s pre-SAG Awards party on Saturday, Jan. 27. Neither Harrison nor Zima have publicly confirmed they’re dating just yet, but if they’re not, then Zima’s co-workers are going to have some explaining to do on Monday morning since her outlet broke the news.

It seems Zima may have given ET the OK to share her happy news since she posted a photo from the event to Instagram. The only caption she provided to the cute picture of her and Harrison on the red carpet is a red heart. But she did share one more photo of the two of them together on her Instagram Story. “He’s great at parties,” the journalist wrote on their snuggly photo.

A party insider told E! online that Harrison and Zima were looking extra cozy throughout the evening. “Chris had his hand on Lauren’s back as they waited at the bar,” the source told E! News. “They looked very coupley and Chris was whispering in Lauren’s ear.”

Since his 2012 divorce from high school sweetheart Gwen Harrison, Harrison has been a bachelor himself — just not The Bachelor, although more than one fan has suggested he step into the role over the years. In a 2016 interview with The Daily Beast, the reality show host revealed that work is one of the primary factors that’s kept him mostly single in recent years. Just because his busy schedule isn’t exactly conducive to romance that doesn’t mean that Harrison isn’t looking for love. “I’m a hopeless, helpless romantic just like everybody else, so hopefully I’ll follow my own advice one day,” he told the outlet.

Lauren Zima/Instagram Story

If ET‘s report is any indication, then Harrison may finally have done just that, and he couldn’t have picked a better person. Zima is a journalist who is known for her celebrity interviews, which suggests she knows what it’s like to have a busy schedule. More importantly, she and Harrison have known each other for some time. She’s interviewed The Bachelor host on more than one occasion over the years, and as recently as Jan. 15, she had an exclusive interview with Harrison about the upcoming season of The Bachelorette.

Devoted members of Bachelor Nation may even have seen this couple coming. On Dec. 6, Zima shared a photo of herself with Harrison and a poster of this season’s Bachelor Colton Underwood. “The two most important men in my life, TBH,” the correspondent captioned the picture. Not long after she shared the pic, Harrison commented, “The most dramatic interview ever. Another great interview and chat LZ!”

Mike Coppola/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

It’s way too soon to start handing out roses, but it certainly sounds like Harrison has finally found his match. And while they didn’t come together in the manner that most couples find love in Bachelor Nation, fans can take heart in knowing that it definitely sounds like The Bachelor played an important role in bringing Zima and Harrison together.

Last year, the Yara Shahidi made waves on the red carpet when she showed up to the Screen Actors Guild Awards in a stunning Ralph Lauren jumpsuit adorned with an enormous bow-turned-train. But this year, she’s also making waves behind the scenes as a SAG Awards ambassador, giving her fans an inside look at everything that happens in the days leading up to the big event. She’s certainly been in-demand given her talent for acting and activism, which makes us wonder if Yara Shahidi is single — though we’re guessing she’s probably too busy being an accomplished actress, political activist, and student at Harvard (yes, Harvard) to be dating anyone at the moment.

Shahidi announced her acceptance to the Ivy League school in June 2017, before following her Black-ish and Grown-ish character, Zoey, into her college years. The spinoff just debuted its second season on Jan. 2 and Zoey is in her sophomore year.

“It’s really useful,” she said on Good Morning America, regarding experiencing college life on-screen. “When I tell you, I give great college advice to my friends because I’m like, ‘Oh, we just did this last episode.’ And it’s so nice because [Zoey] gets into so much trouble that I have advice for like every situation possible.”

And that includes dating. Shahidi has seen Zoey encounter some heartbreaking situations in her dating life, and for that and many other reasons, she says she’s decided not to focus her energy there just yet. After all, she’s only 18.

“I haven’t dated anybody. My general outlook is if I don’t have time to take a bath on a regular basis, then I don’t have time for another human,” she told Seventeen in Oct. 2017. “I love being busy, and I enjoy where I am at right now.”

By the looks of her social media, she’s still very busy in 2019. And she doesn’t seem to be sharing selfies with anyone who’s more than a friend. At this rate of booking, she’s going to be this busy for a while. So she might be happily single for the foreseeable future.

During mid-term election season, she founded the Eighteen x 18 initiative, per ABC News, an organization that empowers and encourages her generation to vote, and she remains very engaged with her activism. She actually has said she plans to boost her engagement even more this year, so who knows what she has up her sleeve. Just don’t expect her to only be active around election day.

“I feel like the goal is continue to express how civic engagement is an everyday activity and as much as voting is important, how we can express power within our communities and help our communities as well,” she said on Good Morning America.

On top of that, she’s also double majoring at Harvard. “As much as I want free time, I love to challenge myself,” she told Seventeen. “And so it really goes back to the point that I want to study as much as possible and [doing] a double major is the solution.”

Case in point, Shahidi is too busy saving the world to be dating anyone — at least as far as we know. But she won’t be too busy to attend pre-SAG Awards events and share all of the hype with viewers on social media. According to E! News, she and her fellow ambassador, Harry Shum Jr., will also have the opportunity to recognize some outstanding film and television stunt ensembles for their incredible work over the last year. Follow Shahidi on Instagram and Twitter to stay up to date.

“They start to profess more and more interest and love at an early stage, when they really can’t know you well,” she explained. “Unfortunately it’s intoxicating when someone says, ‘I only want to talk to you, I think you’re special, I think we’re destined to be together, I’ve been waiting all my life to find you’.