Relationships Talk

If you’re looking for someone to date or fall in love with in 2019, your timing couldn’t be perfect. I don’t just mean that because it’s a brand new year and it’s still the beginning, but because 2019 is a marvellous year of revelations and strengthening certain aspects about how you react to things around you.

Just like how everything happens with an evolutionary spin, dating too takes that curve every once a while and permits us to seek new rules every time we want to start exploring the world with someone. 

Apart from the rules you need to stick to, for dating in different cities, there are something’s which are stagnant and unanimous, in terms of qualifying as the ‘deal breaker’. And for a man, in 2019 particularly, it’s his tryst with honesty.

© Eros International

Even with a heavy spin off on finding the ‘perfect match’ at a brink of a second, we’re still looking for folds of realism in people we ardently want to be with and if things aren’t real, it’s difficult to define what the intent actually is. The crux of everything a man is today or what he should be doing, is all matched up to how honest he is as a human being and if he’s indeed as honest as he should be, greater good does come his way.

In relationships though, which are certainly not archaic anymore, honesty has become a trivial concept and it certainly shouldn’t be one. 

Because people are dishonest they move away and start swiping again but if you’re honest to one another, you’re amorous, even though you want to head in different directions eventually.

So here are 4 pertinent things every man should definitely be honest about, if he’s looking to date in 2019:

(1) What You Really Want From Her

The new year brings a new age, or that’s the easiest assumption I summon. No, really, can we go a little old school here? Remember a time when there were no dating apps or much of social media influencing our decisions? We would take time to wonder and think what we really want out of a dynamic? Yes, let’s bring that back. 

Be open about what you really want because honestly, women are done with men playing games or giving them the chase. If you want an open relationship, be vocal about it, if you want to be in a relationship, there’s no harm sharing that, if you just want something casual, let it out, but there isn’t any point of being dishonest about your intent, because when she finds out you’re dishonest, you’ll just be a man who lies and gets away with it!

© Fox Star Studios

(2) Are You Commitment Phobic?

A commitment phobic person could break at any point in time. If you’re not ready for a commitment, don’t dazzle her with your charm and leave her to figure the rest. 

Let her know that commitment scares you and even if you really want to be with her and the big ‘C’ gets in the way, ask her to help you out with it. Maybe she can help you take it slow, maybe she can opt for something casual with you. Who knows? and you won’t know either unless you voice out your very obvious concern. Don’t let her find out through some 10,000 alarming signals you let off, during the day.

© Fox Star Studios

(3) That Sexism Scares You, Not Feminism

Yup, as text-bookish as I may sound right about now, it’s actually true. Be wary, you’re always judged for that and that’s not because women want to judge you till you evaporate, it’s because equality is very important for them and if you’re on the same wavelength, hallelujah! 

Women have found a voice in 2019, well they had one way before too, maybe you just weren’t listening. But now, if you hear, they’re saying it’s okay to understand what they really need and want from a man, which doesn’t reek of sexist behaviour and aligns with some feminist ideology. 

Don’t Miss

It certainly doesn’t mean you have to embrace everything in the name of feminism, it just means you have to start being equals. Chivalry is great but maybe go dutch on the bill? Let her drive you for a change or even pull a chair back for you?

© Eros International

(4) Be Honest About Your Long-Term Goals

You can slip it into a conversation or just have a long conversation and disclose all you want to about what you’re looking at, in 2019. You could be looking at getting married or maybe just being with someone, whatever it is, being honest about it, rather than shying away from it is way easier and classier, might I add.

© Yash Raj Films

You could add-on more honest things to be honest about other than these 4 pointers and make a classic example of how you’ve understood what I am trying to say, or you can just press the little obnoxious cross on the top-right corner of your window and close this article, but let me tell you this- Who doesn’t love an honest man? He can live a tough life but he’d never be forgotten and that’s how important a role honesty really plays, in society and of course in 2019, today.

Photo: © AA Films (Main Image)

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Every so often, Team Well+Good goes *deep* with Slack chats—so much so that sharing them feels like the right thing to do. For instance, a couple of weeks ago, a few questions about dating app etiquette ballooned into the first Well+Good roundtable on swiping right. And today, it’s all about astrology—as in, why it’s so crazy popular right now. (Remember when you’d never heard of Mercury retrograde? Or Saturn return?) Here, senior editor Jordan Galloway and Los Angeles editor Erin Magner help me make sense of the cosmic enthusiasm that’s taken over our lives. 

ERIN H.: Hi! So I have to admit that I am increasingly viewing everything—and describing everything—through the lens of astrology. Maybe it’s confirmation bias, maybe it’s magical thinking, or maybe it’s real…but it’s been very helpful as a tool for self-reflection. I know you two have had a similar trajectory, being skeptical journalists who nevertheless can talk rising signs and new moons with the best of them. So, first question…

How are you using astrology now, that you haven’t in the past? For me, I definitely read Jennifer Racioppi’s column each week, and can rattle off info about the cosmic conditions affecting everyone—planetary transits, eclipses, full moons, etc. And I check out my sun sign horoscope, though not every day. What about you?

JORDAN: I feel like after spending several years in astrology 101—mainly just reading my horoscopes and focused on my sun sign—I’ve leveled up over the past few years to focus on ways it can help deepen my self-awareness.

I’m much more interested in the long-term phases such as the two-year Leo eclipse cycle that started in 2017 and just ended early this week and how reflecting on these types of transits can be a tool for contextualizing what’s going on in my life.

ERIN H.: Yes! The 19-year cycle that ended with this month’s eclipse is REAL to me. I had two deaths in the family 19 years ago and have felt a huge shift with that lately. Those long cycles are really interesting to look back on.

ERIN M.: OK, so this is going to sound psycho, but…I have the AstroTwins yearly planner with all of the major astrological events in it for each month, and at the beginning of the year I copy them all into my iCal so I know what’s happening each day. I also download my personal chart reading for the year on January 1, and do a solar return chart for myself on my birthday in June, and also put THOSE major transits into my iCal.

And then I have an app called Time Passages with the more minor transits for my chart (e.g. where the moon is that day and how it’s aspecting my personal planets), and I will also put those into my planner in the morning.

So basically, if you look at my calendar, there is a list of like six to 10 astrological events listed for each day. It gives me an idea of what energies I’m working with each day, and although I can’t say I plan my schedule by it, it’s just nice to have a reflection of why I might be feeling the way I am.

ERIN H.: AMAZING.

JORDAN: Uggh! I’m so jealous, Erin M.! I was just reading about the AstroTwins planner the other day.

ERIN M.: You should get it! It’s really good! I’ve been using it for the past seven years or so—I took an astrology class with them in like 2012 and have been hooked ever since.

JORDAN: I got the Many Moons Lunar Planner this year because I’ve been drawn a lot as of late to lunar cycles and phases. A big focus for me this year is connecting more to my intuition and trusting it.

ERIN H.: Yesssss. Moon stuff was actually my way into to all of this too, Jordan.

JORDAN: And I would say the practice I engage with daily is tarot. I learned to read tarot cards in 2015 from Carolyn Agis at Maha Rose in Brooklyn, and I really see it as a means of touching base with how I’m feeling day to day.

ERIN M.: I love tarot too, Jordan! I was just thinking today how both disciplines work so well together—but that’s probably a topic for another Slack chat.

ERIN H.: So Erin M., do you feel like this “leads the witness” at all, having all that info in your calendar each day? As in, you know what to expect so you kind of make it happen? 

ERIN M.: Sometimes! I feel more of an impact from the lunar cycles (I’m a Cancer) than the bigger astrological events, so those are the ones that I pay more attention to when I’m making things happen. (And other than that, I just like having a heads up about what might happen that day so I can be prepared.) So if I’m making plans with a friend and she’s asking me to decide between a day when the moon is in Leo and the moon is in Virgo, I’ll choose the day when the moon is in Leo, because I’ll likely feel more social that day….does that make sense?

ERIN H.: Yes! But hey, I am also a Cancer. Cancers named Erin rule.

JORDAN: Can’t agree more, based on the two Erin-Cancer combos I know.

ERIN H.: What’s been the reaction from people in your life, re astrology, tarot, etc? Friends, family—it makes my dad insane, for instance, whenever I mention anything astrological. He has a PhD in math and he is NOT HAVING IT. “Erin, you’re a smart person, why would you believe in that BS?”

ERIN M.: My mom is very woo-woo, so she’s just as into it as I am. My dad is similar to yours, Erin, and I just never talk about it with him. I live in LA, so my friends are all super into it too and ask me to run their charts for them. It’s very much an accepted thing to talk about here.

JORDAN: So is mine! Last time I went home, she was like: “I got you a new salt lamp, and I’ve had it lit all day so the energy should be good in here.”

ERIN M.: LOL, my mom also got me a salt lamp, JG! They should hang out.

ERIN H.: Ohhh your moms sound like fun.

JORDAN: For me, woo woo is something I just grew up with.

ERIN M.: Same! I remember reading my friends their horoscopes from Sassy magazine when we were like, 14. And I got my first tarot deck around that time, too.

ERIN H.: SASSY!

ERIN M.: RIP.

ERIN H.: What about dating? I started seeing someone recently and I just kept having the thought that he was a Leo (which my dad is, and my last serious relationship), so I asked him what his birthday was. And he just looked at me like, “Oh no, not another one…” Ha! (But FYI he was born in August.) Are we driving non-believers crazy with this?

ERIN M.: OK, so with dating I use it as a test. I always bring it up on the first date, because if they are freaked out by it, they are NOT for me.

ERIN H.:  Haha.

JORDAN: I imagine it’s the law of attraction, but most of my close friends are also into astrology. We organize seasonal readings the way some people organize facials. I’m a firm believer in birth chart background checks.

“I’m a firm believer in birth chart background checks.” —Jordan Galloway

ERIN M.: But I find most guys I date are really into it! I’ve had a few of them send me their birth info after our first date so I can run their chart. And I’ve even run compatibility charts while on a date before…it makes for fun conversation.

ERIN H.: Sun/moon/rising, please, sir! Erin M., do you have one of those apps where you plug in DOB, location, etc. and it does it all for you?

ERIN M.: You can just do it on cafeastrology.com—it’s really easy! I have it bookmarked on my phone lol. I will say though, I’ve never NOT dated a guy because of his sign(s). I feel like it’s good info to have, but I take it with a grain of salt.

ERIN H.: Jordan, any deal breakers for you astrologically?

ERIN M.: Yes! Want to hear more about your background checks.

JORDAN: I’m not someone who’s like: “I can’t date Scorpios.” Or, “Our signs aren’t compatible, so: pass.” But I do find that having a deeper understanding of someone’s signs helps me understand a bit how they operate.

Both of the last two guys I’ve gone on dates with were way more open to astrology and woo woo in general—they burn palo santo, volunteered to show me their charts without me even asking, and I could tell they had a general interest in it themselves, which was cool and surprising.

ERIN H.: Dreamboats.

JORDAN: I think it only works as a relationship tool if both people are into it, though. Thoughts?

ERIN H.: Definitely. I would never force-feed someone this info…but if they’re not interested, it leaves a lot of good conversation fodder on the table, which is sad.

ERIN M.: Agreed—my last serious relationship, my ex was NOT into it, and it was just never a topic of discussion with us. And that was fine.

But it is important to me that the person be open-minded about it. Like I went on a date with a guy recently who was telling me how ridiculous he thinks astrology is, and after the date he kept sending me these astro-bashing memes. Needless to say he did not get a second date. (He was a Capricorn, OF COURSE.)

ERIN H.: HAHA. Yeah, curiosity is a more attractive quality than certainty.

ERIN M.: Yes! It’s really a good way to connect if you’re both into it.

ERIN H.: My “gateway drug” was guided meditations based on the lunar calendar: new moon and full moon rituals. They really made me feel like they were attuned to my body and my energy levels—maybe because women are on a monthly cycle, just like the moon is. And that made me more curious about all the other cosmic knowledge, that there was something to it. What was your gateway drug? (I’m hoping it’s all Sassy-related, E…)

JORDAN: When I moved to New York 10 years ago, I had my birth chart read for the first time and it just really opened my mind to the idea that astrology has way more to offer than just your daily horoscope.

ERIN M.: For me it was the AstroTwins course, for sure. It opened me up to the fact that your chart is about so much more than your sun sign, and it explained a lot (e.g. that although I do identify with a lot of Cancerian qualities, there’s a lot more to me than that—but when you add my Pisces rising sign and Leo moon into the mix, it’s so dead-on).

JORDAN: Exactly, Erin M. Sun signs are so overrated (don’t @ me).

ERIN H.: SUN SIGNS ARE SO 2018.

ERIN M.: I agree! I actually don’t read my sun sign horoscope at all—I read for my rising sign
Because it’s more accurate in terms of where the planets actually are in my chart.

JORDAN: My moon and rising are both Leo. And my sun is Virgo. I read both because I feel like it gives me the biggest picture. But if I only had to read one, it’d be my rising sign.

ERIN H.: I also love the complexity of birth charts! You can go back and pull out a million data points to consider. It definitely plays into some kind of latent OCD I have.

JORDAN: Same!

ERIN H.: Okay, last q…We’re not the only ones who’ve gotten into astrology in recent years. Why do you think it is so popular right now? Chaotic politics? Stressful work lives? Weird dating-app-fueled social lives? All of the above?

ERIN M.: I do feel like it gives people a feeling of control in a world that’s so chaotic—politically, technologically, etc.

JORDAN: For example, my Mars and Venus are both in my first house, and that makes a lot of sense to me because your first house is your house of self and I definitely feel that duality of feminine and masculine energy for sure.

ERIN M.: Love that, Jordan! And it’s nice to feel connected to something ancient and based in nature when we’re chained to our phones and computers all day.

“I do feel like it gives people a feeling of control in a world that’s so chaotic—politically, technologically, etc.” —Erin Magner

JORDAN: I do feel like there’s a greater desire to deepen our understanding of ourselves and the world around us, and astrology is a great tool for helping you to connect to how you’re feeling and your emotions. It’s like a prompt to make you turn inward and reflect/analyze your feelings.

ERIN H.: Yeah, it feels shame-free to me. Like, “Oh yeah, I do have that tendency” (whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing). And it’s not about figuring out why it’s that way—it focuses you on how you’re going to proceed. Like, after therapy, break out your birth chart and get to work!

JORDAN: I feel like people want to feel more empowered and assured in their feelings and opinions because they can’t trust what’s being fed to them from a lot of outside sources, so they’re looking for ways to tap into their own intuition and use it to contextualize their lives, which astrology can help with.

ERIN M.: THIS. So so sooo true.

ERIN H.: When things are crazy, your intuition and your intellect is what you have ultimately.

ERIN M.: I do sometimes worry about making excuses for our behavior, though, based on our astrology—like the other day, I was having a conversation with someone about my tendency to be a diva in certain work-related situations, and said something like, “That’s my Leo moon.” But then I had to check myself and be like, no, you have the power to make a different choice and be more diplomatic.

JORDAN: My dad always quotes Rudyard Kipling to me, and I feel like it’s applicable to the times and the increased interest in inner work: “If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you.”

ERIN H.: Awwww that’s a great dad quote. Mr. Galloway ftw.

JORDAN: It’s about being an adult, but I feel like that’s the goal so many people (or at least I’m) aiming for with my astrology practice and other practices like meditation and mindfulness.
Maybe dad quotes are the new dad jokes. It’s life goals. But also so much easier to do when you know yourself.

ERIN H.: Haha. Prepare for a lot of quotes from Shawshank Redemption then.

ERIN M.: LOL

JORDAN: Hahahaha

ERIN H.: I love that you both brought up self-sufficiency and responsibility in all this. I feel like that’s what people fear, that astrology is just about finding excuses for your BS. (But seriously, Scorpios, get it together…)

JORDAN: Ugh, Scorpios.

“We need more emotional intelligence! Yes. And every other kind.” —Erin Hanafy

ERIN H.: Any final thoughts?

JORDAN: I’m honestly excited to see astrology going more mainstream because I feel like, to your point, Erin H., it’s really a tool for understanding yourself better, not something that you’re supposed to blindly following verbatim—and any real healer will tell you that. The more access people have to ways to figure their own stuff out the more emotionally intelligent we’ll be as a whole. But my final, final thought is: God, I would love to get a hold of a few people’s birth charts…

ERIN H.: We need more emotional intelligence! Yes. And every other kind.

JORDAN: Like, for example, I feel like you should have to offer it up—as well as your tax return info—when running for president. Just saying…

ERIN H.: Haha. Galloway-Magner 2020.

ERIN M.: Ditto! And if astrology doesn’t resonate with you, there are so many other tools out there now to get to know yourself—I’ve been getting really into Human Design (which is like a woo-woo version of Myers-Briggs) for that same purpose, and it’s really changing the way I operate. They’re all connected to each other but all have something different to offer, which is really cool.

JORDAN: I feel the same way. Astrology, tarot, numerology: I use them all in tandem.

ERIN H.: Ohhh I’m into Human Design, too. FYI, Jordan…Erin M. and I are the same “type” on that as well. We’re basically the NYC-LA versions of each other! (I wish.)

ERIN M.: We actually are, Erin~!

JORDAN: This makes perfect sense to me.

ERIN H.: So, thank you, thank you for sharing all your knowledge today. As Well+Good’s resident astro queens, I”m sure you two could talk about this all day, but I’ll let you get back to work so you can sprinkle your magical fairy dust on some copy. And I’m going to go check my rising sign horoscope…

As we reach the midpoint of winter (yes, we are almost there!), that’s a big deal astrologically. Here’s what you need to know about Imbolc 2019. And here’s the year in numerology—more fodder for your iCal!

If you’re hoping 2019 could be the year you finally find love – then you’re in luck.

Dating expert, the Fairy Godfather, has come up with the top 10 tips all women need to read to make romance as successful as possible. ​

With the raft of apps on offer, it’s never been easier to make contact with a potential new partner.

But with that come a range of pitfalls.

Dating expert, The Fairy Godfather, is making it his mission to help women navigate the romance minefield.

And now he has come up with the top 10 tips to guarantee successful dating.

Fairy Godfather, who prefers to go by his alter ego, started his mission to make women happy daters back in 2011.

Out of the blue he sent a woman he had been chatting to a message.

It turned out she had been on the way to commit suicide and his words made her stop and turn around.

He said: “We later met, I gave her a big hug and she told me something that stuck with me, she said ‘you have a gift’ and from then on I decided I wanted to help women.

“I want to achieve a better environment for women to date in.”

Fairy Godfather explains that before internet dating, the odds were firmly in women’s favour.

But the explosion in popularity with apps such as Tinder has blown that out of the water.

He said: “When Tinder exploded in 2012 everyone became easily espendable, mirroring the throw away society we live in.

“Men could speak to multiple women at once at the touch of a button and so to beat the competition, women started giving what hadn’t been earned, thinking it would keep the man.

“Men realised if they lied or manipulated women they could get sex very easily.

“I’m giving advice that can turn back the clocks to a pre tinder state of dating and that will only be done by women taking the lead and following these simple steps that may go against their natural urges, it about being mindful and thinking logically.”

10 TIPS FOR DATING SUCCESS

1. Don’t reply to messages straight away, this is all about dopamine and scarcity principle. As soon as you reply right away, you become predictable, which takes away anticipation and that plays a huge factor in the buildup of dopamine in the brain.

2. Don’t have expectations in men you hardly know, a man must be consistently persistent over time with actions matching words and that doesn’t happen in the first couple of dates.

3. Never give what’s not been earned (that includes sex, time and trust). When you give what’s not been earned you set yourself up for a huge fall. It always hurts more.

4. Don’t have sex until you know a man well. That will involve daily communication and at least four dates to all be in the public eye. There are many reasons why but the main two are it’s a huge part of the chase.

5. Make sure your intentions match. As soon as you find out they don’t then you need to sever all ties. Don’t think you’re the exception, if you’re just a sexual conquest that won’t change in to a long-term relationship. The only time in tends change is when you go from a possible long-term prospect to a sexual conquest. Never the other around.

6. Block all men that are longer a part of your life. That doesn’t make you petty or rude, it’s about self-preservation.

7. If dating becomes all-consuming then understand it’s OK to take a break. Like they say, “you can’t pour from an empty cup”.

8. Be self-aware, know your worth and make sure you’re ready to date and date for the right reasons. Don’t date because you’re lonely or heartbroken, date when you’re ready to.

9. Make sure you have boundaries that include not replying to messages after 10pm and making sure that all dates are set well in advance (at least four days). If you’re the last minute lover you’re probably the last thing on his mind. Save spontaneity until you’re at least exclusive.

10. Make sure the first date is a one-hour coffee/nonalcoholic date. That one hour stops alcohol clouding the mind and lowering inhibitions and of course it’s safer.

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Dear So Sad Today,

The guy I’ve been seeing recently told me that he’s polyamorous. I really like him, and I’ve never tried that kind of relationship so maybe it could be OK? But I know me and I know I get jealous and I know I am insecure enough without all of that, so I don’t think it would be a good idea. But I’m already addicted to him and the attention and I don’t want to lose him, but I think this seems like something that can’t really be compromised on? I don’t know.

Thank you!

monogatwisted

Dear monogatwisted,

Ah, yes, red flags can look so beautiful—like skyward balloons, heart emojis, succulent cherries and strawberries—when we are running right past them in a haze of limerence, dopamine, and romantic intoxication. Of course, polyamory itself is not inherently a red flag. But if polyamory isn’t something you’d be comfortable with, it’s a fucking crimson banner.

It seems like you know yourself pretty well. I would take that knowing at face value. If you don’t think you are going to be able to be comfortable with polyamory, at least not with this dude, then you probably aren’t.

Sometimes it really sucks to have to be who we are, in spite of what we wish we were comfortable with or capable of in our hearts. But the heart can’t feign ambivalence for long when it knows its own desire. That shit is going to come out sooner or later.

What I’m saying is speak now, or hold your peace until you’ve done some more suffering. I know you are afraid of pushing him away with your needs; but if he disappears, he was always going to disappear.

xo

SST

Dear So Sad Today,

Two years ago I broke up with an ex who I had been with for four years. By the last year of our relationship we were barely having sex, which was mostly because I no longer felt attracted to her. But we were able to stay friends and we even do some art stuff together.

About six months ago she started dating this other woman who is really adorable, nice and cool. I was surprised to find that I was jealous—especially because I had been over her for a long time before I even got out of the relationship. Sometimes when I’m with the two of them I feel like I may even want her back. I know that it is a bad idea for me to say anything to her about this, because she seems really happy with her new girlfriend. But emotionally I’m having a really strong reaction. Any thoughts on this?

Best,

regretting refund

Dear regretting refund,

You remind me of my dog Pickle. I don’t mean this as an insult. Pickle is an extraordinary creature: a princely street rat, genius level soft and beautiful, and scented like a roast chicken. But I’m seeing some similarities here.

Pickle has an enormous collection of toys, so many that most of them reside in a giant bag in the closet. Whenever I try to put some of the hibernating toys into rotation, he ignores them for the sake of his favorite rubber ball. One of the neglected toys is a plush little orange langoustine (it may technically be a shrimp, but in my house it’s a langoustine). For years this langoustine sat in the closet, buried underneath a plastic soft pretzel and myriad chewed tennis balls.

Two weeks ago, Pickle’s best friend from the old neighborhood—a terrier named Scout—came over for a reunion. Scout is not one to resist a squeak toy, no matter what it is, and I pulled out the langoustine for her to play with. Almost immediately, Pickle declaired “MY TOY,” marched over to Scout, and nudged her out of the way. Suddenly, he saw that langoustine through new eyes—and for the remainder of Scout’s two-week long visit it became his favorite toy. Yet upon Scout’s departure, Pickle quickly lost interest in the langoustine. He went back to his rubber ball. The langoustine was abandoned in a dusty corner.

While a human being is not a toy, this langoustine is your ex. When you saw your ex through the eyes of her new girlfriend, she became someone desirable again. What’s more, while you hadn’t wanted to play with her in years, something primal in you said “MY TOY!” I think you already know that if you make any attempt to take the langoustine away from her new girlfriend, you will tire of playing together quickly after the girlfriend is gone. But let me remind you of that, just in case.

It is a natural human desire to doubt what we have surrendered, seek to mark our territory, and want all the love. But I would suggest maybe spending less time with the two of them together and focusing on some other activities, like playing with other companions, sniffing for pizza crusts on the sidewalk, or simply curling up under the covers for a nice nap.

xo

So Sad Today

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