Relationships Talk

Although much has been written about the effect of fatherlessness on African American sons, far less has been written on its effect on daughters. Of recent, however, there are more studies and works written on the effect of fatherlessness on African American daughters. One critical work is that by Jonetta Rose Barras, Whatever Happened to Daddy’s Little Girl (2000), a must read for women whose fathers were not present in their lives. Barras provides an in-depth analysis of the pain that African American women experience because of lack of a relationship with their fathers, and the behaviors that result from this, which she classifies under what she calls the “Fatherless Woman Syndrome.” They are outlined below.

The unfactor – Women who fall under this category believe that they are unworthy and unlovable; they feel that no one will want or love them. They are plagued with the notion that the only way someone will love them is if they do something spectacular. This results in their doing things that, rather than make a man want to stay, ends up driving him away, thus fulfilling the self-fulfilled prophecy that no one wants them. According to Barras, these women are in constant search for their fathers. She states, “Fatherless daughters speak their fathers’ names, see their fathers’ faces, and desperately try to recapture their fathers’ love with every man they meet” (p. 68).

The Triple Fears Factor – Women who fall under this category fear rejection, abandonment, and commitment. These women are constantly plagued with questions of whether they will be rejected and abandoned. This makes it difficult for them to make commitments or emotional investments. They fear that they will be left, so rather than be rejected or abandoned, they will not allow themselves to become too emotionally involved and avoid making a commitment. They might even pick men who will duplicate the same experiences they had with their fathers. They fear abandonment, but engage in interactions that lead to the very thing they fear most. Barras states, “In many respects, the fatherless daughter becomes a dilettante, someone who passes through— floating but refusing to be touched deeply, because touch means involvement, and involvement means commitment” (p. 69).

The Sexual Healing Factor – The sexual behavior of the fatherless woman “can range from promiscuity to an aversion to intimacy…”(p. 69). These fatherless women may go from “bed to bed, calling sex ‘love’ and hoping to be healed by the physical closeness” (p. 70). Also, a symptom of the sexual healing factor is that some women become obsessed with having a baby in order to fill the void.

The Over Factor – In order to make sure no one knows how much they are hurting, how badly they have been wounded, these women overcompensate in relationships by doing too much and sculpting themselves into the perfect mate. They may also be overachievers or superwomen. It is their way of saying to the father who has abandoned them that “it is his loss.” Barras explains, “We are at the top of our class. We break the glass ceilings. We spend endless days and nights working. We are the most decorated, the most awarded, the most rewarded” (p. 71). Also, these fatherless women may take on a “masculine identity” as a “shield … to prevent anyone from getting close enough to see the despair”(p. 71). In addition, Barras points out that when things do not turn out the way they expect them to because of their overachievement and being the perfect mate, they oversaturate in other areas of their lives,  for example, whether it be with “food, drugs, alcohol, sex, or work” (p. 71).

The RAD Factor – Rage, anger, and depression manifests in various ways. Rage and anger can be expressed outwardly, and may burst to the surface at a moment’s notice, or they may manifest in addiction to food, drugs, sex, or alcohol. Rage and anger may also turn inward and manifest as depression. Depression may lead to addictive behavior in order to medicate the pain. Other manifestations of these may be criminal activity and child abuse.

All of these behaviors and manifestations contribute to fatherless African American women having emotionally unhealthy and unbalanced relationship with themselves. Also, because they may have not had a positive male figure to teach them how to interpret male behavior, they may not have the skills necessary to deal with males. They may have had no one to instruct them (since their mothers and other adult females who were present in their childhood may have also suffered from the fatherless woman’s syndrome) on what qualities are good to look for in a man or how to deal with them in a healthy and balanced way. The results may be that they assume unhealthy characteristics and engage in dysfunctional relationship patterns. Such may not only be characteristic of fatherless women, but also those from all backgrounds.

Question to Ponder:

What kind of relationship patterns are you engaging in?

How is your relationship with your father affecting your relationships with men?

From:  African American Relationships, Marriages and Families: An Introduction, Patricia Dixon, Ph.D.

Source: Whatever Happened to Daddy’s Little Girl? Jonetta Rose Barras