Commit to abstinence outside of marriage; you won't regret it
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I am a big proponent of abstinence, but not just for the reasons you might assume. Some of the major religions speak to this issue in terms of respecting the dignity of human sexuality and the sacredness of marital love. For example, Catholic Christianity considers chastity “a form of the virtue of temperance, which controls, according to right reason, the desire and use of those things which afford the greatest sensual pleasure.” In the Jewish tradition, the sexual act in the context of marriage is one of immense significance, which requires commitment and responsibility. In the Islamic tradition, chastity is viewed as “state of spiritual and physical cleanliness.” While I respect and acknowledge these and other moral views, in this article, I focus solely on the medical and practical reasons that undergird abstinence. While abstinence is the only way to truly ensure avoidance of sexually transmitted diseases and unplanned pregnancy, there are other benefits we should also consider.
First, abstinence helps you keep a level head while considering if your relationship is built to last. Sex early in the relationship often catapults a relationship to a deeper emotional state than it is prepared to have. During courtship, couples are supposed to learn about each other’s likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, and hobbies and interests. They learn about each other’s imperfections and determine whether or not they complement the other’s weaknesses. Will the couple be stronger together than they are alone? Do they handle conflict well? If sex occurs too early in the relationship, this often clouds judgment. It also reduces the opportunity to find other common interests and explore each other’s personality in deeper ways. If most dates end in intercourse, the couple has less opportunity to find other common activities they can both enjoy together. Many heartaches could be avoided if couples learned about their incompatibility earlier in the relationship, before the emotional draw from sex makes this harder to see.
Second, abstinence builds character. It is hard to avoid the temptation of sex, yet learning to overcome this helps us to avoid other temptations in the future that can lead to other problems. The battle is in the mind and what thoughts we choose to ponder. People desiring abstinence should usually avoid watching R-rated movies with sexual content, TV shows promoting promiscuity, and pornography. Once these images are captured by the mind, they are more difficult to overcome. Physical limits should also be set. While I usually recommend “nothing below the neck,” for some, that may still be too much. Learning to avoid sexual temptations will develop the same techniques needed to avoid other temptations later in life, like the temptations to spend money recklessly, use drugs, have an extramarital affair or drink alcohol to excess. These are the real challenges in adulthood that can destroy families and traumatize children. The strength of character and coping skills learned through abstinence can have lasting positive benefits to the person’s future family.
Third, abstinence builds respect. Most would agree that families benefit from having strong relationships with the in-laws after marriage. Young man, what is the best way for you to gain the respect of the parents for the girl you are dating? Young woman, what is the best way for you to gain respect of the parents for the boy you are dating? Parents deeply admire teens who make good decisions and develop coping strategies that overcome temptations that might otherwise cause them to make bad decisions. Parents deeply fear that sexual consequences will reduce their child’s opportunities and potential, and lead to lasting negative effects. Easing that fear by committing to abstinence is one of the easiest ways to start earning their respect.
Adults: keep in mind that this advice is for you, also. If you are a single parent, modeling abstinence for your children will be one of the best opportunities you have to encourage them to be abstinent themselves. Even if you are older, you can still reap the benefits of abstinence in the maturing of your character, the strengthening of your relationships and the development of respect from your partner and their family.
In summary, there are medical, practical, as well as moral reasons why abstinence is a good idea. Avoiding pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases is an obvious benefit, yet there are other benefits that are difficult to quantify and often unappreciated. Do you want to keep a level head when deciding if your partner is right for you? Do you want to develop a strong character and earn the trust of your sweetheart’s family? Commit to abstinence. You won’t regret it.
Dr. Janet Hurley is medical director of population health at Christus Trinity Clinic and president of the Texas Academy of Family Physicians.
