Relationships Talk

John Aiken, is a relationship and dating expert featured on Nine’s hit show Married At First Sight. He is a best-selling author, regularly appears on radio and in magazines, and runs exclusive couples’ retreats.

Every Saturday John joins 9Honey exclusively to answer your questions on love and relationships.

If you have a question for John, email: dearjohn@nine.com.au.

If you missed last week’s column, it’s here.

Dear John,

A friend of mine recently found out she was cheated on by her boyfriend of three years. She had no idea anything was going on and it has crushed her.

However, she doesn’t want to leave him. Even though his cheating included sleeping with multiple women (one night stands while he’s out with the boys) and lying to her on numerous occasions about it, saying he slept at his friends’ houses, he promises her he has changed so she wants to make it work.

I feel like if he has lied to her about all this cheating, he will lie to her about wanting to change. Am I being a bad friend for not supporting her staying with him? Can a cheater actually change? He says he will do anything but I feel like that’s just another lie.

I’m scared if I tell her my opinion she will hate me, but I feel like I need to. What should I do?

‘I’m scared if I tell my friend my opinion she’ll hate me’ (iStock)

You’re right. In my experience, if you do tell her more about her cheating boyfriend, she’s very likely to turn against you. Particularly when she’s been crushed by his cheating and she still wants to stay and see if he changes. It’s so frustrating to watch, however she’s aware of what he’s done, and she thinks it’s in the past. The best option now for you is to hold your tongue and support her and her choices. It’s going to end very badly, but you need to let her find this out for herself.

I realise that this is a very challenging approach to take with your friend. You want the very best for her and you want her to be treated with respect by her boyfriend. I totally understand. However, she’s in love with him and wants to stay with him regardless of his betrayal. She genuinely believes he can change and wants to give him another chance.

So if you think telling her about the full extent of his cheating will change her mind you’re wrong. If you do this, she’ll very likely side with him, and you’ll lose your friendship with her. Instead of helping her, you’ll be shut out from her relationship and you’ll lose your connection with her. If she has to choose between him or you, she’ll go with him every time.

So don’t fall into the trap of telling her about the betrayal and then encouraging her to leave him. Instead, hold your tongue and be a supportive non-judgemental friend. Listen to her fears and frustrations about him, but don’t give her advice or suggestions. Instead just listen and wait. In time, she’s going to see that she can’t trust her boyfriend, and he’s not changing any time soon. Be patient and remind yourself that she knows about the cheating already and she has chosen to stay for the time being. When she’s ready, she’ll move on and you want to be right by her side when she does this.

Dear John

I have been with my partner for a year now and we having been trying for a kid at his request.

However I have made it quite clear I want to get married or at least engaged soon. We even brought the rings, however he says yes then no and continues to mess with my head in regards to it.

All I keep getting told is that he does not want to be pressured to make a commitment and make the same mistake as he hasn’t even got divorce yet, however he is happy to have a baby with me and whenever I bring marriage up I get cut off and it ends up in a fight.

All I can see is that he wants me to be his baby’s mamma but not his wife.

‘All I can see is that he wants me to be his baby’s mamma but not his wife’ (iStock)

You need to take a harder approach with your partner when it comes to marriage and kids. At the moment, he’s meeting his needs and he’s ignoring yours. You want marriage and commitment, and he wants to avoid this and go straight to having a baby. It seems one sided to me, and if you don’t put your foot down, you’re going to miss out on what you really want from him.

My big worry with all of this, is that he’s very hot and cold with you. He says ‘yes’ to getting engaged and married, but then backs out of this and he still hasn’t completed his divorce. Not only that, when you try to pursue the conversation with him, he shuts it all down and you end up fighting. At the end of the day, you’re right when you say his actions tell you he only wants a baby mamma and not a wife.

So it’s time to draw a line in the sand. You need to make this very simple for him. There will be no more unprotected sex until he’s divorced and he’s put a ring on your finger. It’s needs to be very black and white. You’re in love with him, you want commitment and a family, so he needs to step up. Once he’s followed through with this, then you can start trying for a family.

Now considering what you’ve said about his usual reaction to this type of conversation, he’s going to likely get angry and try to put it back on you. Be strong. Stay calm and make this his problem. If he wants kids with you, he needs to be divorced and get engaged with you. Simple. Then leave it over to him. He’ll then show his true colours. He’ll either step up and meet your needs, or else kids won’t be coming along in your near future. It’s time now to take your power back and observe what he does.

Dear John

I’m a 45 year old man who is going through a significant issue. It’s the disintegration of my 8 year friendship with my female best friend.

I am separated with two teenage kids and she is married with two young kids.

For the last two years we have owned a business together which through ups and downs is starting to thrive after finalising the acquisition of a small business in July. Over the years we have travelled, enjoyed each other’s company, our kids know each other. Being best friends we have often messaged each other with jokes and pictures of our kids and what we are doing.

The problem is that at the start of the year, her husband who has anxiety issues, issued my friend with an ultimatum to not have any male friends because it prevented him having a connection with her… So now in august the entire business was handed over to her, I have been banned from messaging and only work emails are responded to, have been asked for all my business contacts and forgiven all my investment.

Eight years of friendship and $300k disappeared overnight all because I’m male.

Is this common, normal, is there anything I can do??

I miss my friend and all the plans we had. My kids miss my friend also. Is it all just gone?

‘I have been banned from messaging my best friend’ (iStock)

I’m not going to lie to you, this is what typically happens when a someone in a relationship has to choose between their partner or their friend. In your case, your female friend has been asked by her husband to cut you out of her life completely, both business and personal, and you’re now on the outer. It hurts and seems so drastic, but she has made the decision that her marriage is more important than you. So it’s time to suck it up and accept that she’s no longer going to be a major player in your life.

The most important thing for you now is to change your mindset around this. At the moment you sound hopeful of something changing. That perhaps there’s something you can do to re-kindle the relationship you have with her. You can’t. You now need to accept this. Her husband has spoken. He’s given her an ultimatum and she has chosen to cut you and your kids out of her life moving forward. There’s no room for discussion or negotiation. It’s done.

I realise this will be painful to hear. I’m sure you’ll find this unfair and unreasonable. I get it. But it’s done. She has had to follow this course of action to save her marriage. It’s not personal. He has anxiety issues and he wants to cut all men out of her life so he can focus on re-connecting with her. It’s not just you, it’s all men.

So it’s time now to move on. Embrace and accept her decision and cut all ties with her and her kids. You’re going to grieve and experience ongoing pain for some time over this loss, but don’t hang on. Instead, focus on creating new friendships and pursue new business interests, and understand that sometimes decisions will be made outside of your control that you don’t like, but you’ll have to accept. She’s gone, and now you need to set your sights on creating a new chapter in your life.

The opinions expressed in this column are for general informational purposes only, are based on limited information and are not professional advice. You should always seek your own professional advice for your circumstances. Any actions taken are the sole responsibility of the reader, not the author or 9Honey.