Relationships Talk

I recently received this poignant question from a former client of mine. I appreciated how he allowed himself to express his feelings and thought it might be applicable to other readers. Below his message is my advice:

Hey Erika,

I’ve been feeling really depressed about dating recently. This past weekend was my mom’s birthday, and my sisters brought their boyfriends over. I felt like a total seventh wheel (my dad was there too, of course), and even worse, my mom told me afterwards that it was “obvious” that I was bothered by being the only single person there and that I should consider the impact my emotions have on others (she was concerned about a thirty-second period where I acted morose following intense discussions of my sisters’ and their partners’ future together). Two of my best female friends also got engaged in the past week. In addition, the dates I’ve been going on have been pretty awful — either I just don’t like the person, or they act like they’re into me and then ghost me later. All this has left me feeling like I’m really behind my peers and where I want to be when it comes to finding someone to spend the rest of my life with.

The biggest thing I’m struggling with right now is this feeling that I have no idea what works or what I need to do to meet someone. I do feel like I’ve made progress because I am going on many more dates now, but I haven’t gotten a second date in almost two years. I’m really scared that I’m going to wake up one day and my options will be either settle down with someone who isn’t what I’ve always wanted or die alone.

I’m stuck in a total self-loathing rut and my romantic life is the biggest reason why. I desperately want to find someone, and in the short term, I want to feel better about myself again. I just don’t have a plan to get there, and it’s driving me crazy.

I really hope you can help.

— “Depressed about Dating”

My response:

The first thing I want to say is that you are not alone. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t gone through a period of feeling sad or jealous when everyone else seems to be in a relationship and you’re not — friends, clients, I’ve seen it all. So, I want you to remember that you’re in good company.

Next, I want you to think about why it’s so important to you to meet someone. Do you think a woman will complete you? Because that’s unrealistic and unfair to anyone else to have that burden. You are the only one who can complete you. And once that happens, you’ll not only be a happier person, but you’ll also be a better date and better partner. People are drawn to others who have a life going for them, separate and apart from their relationship status. I know on paper you have all of those things, but mentally, you don’t. I know you said that in the short-term you want to feel better about yourself but don’t have a plan to get there. The first step in this whole process should be making that plan to get there. A therapist can help (do you have a good one?) or some coaching that I do could address some of this. The self-loathing guy you described isn’t helpful to you and isn’t attractive to a potential partner. You need to come first.

Now, as for not getting second dates, I don’t know what’s going on there, but I do believe that a good part of it is confidence. You want it so badly, and people can smell that, which isn’t a turn-on. You’re a catch, and you have a lot to offer. Remember that. The woman isn’t always the prize — you are, too. You also make it harder on yourself because you see everything short of a long-term relationship as a “failure.” That’s just not true. There is so much incremental progress that you’re ignoring. Like you said, you’ve gone on a lot more dates. There’s something to be said for that. Give yourself credit.

Really ask yourself these questions: How will a partner make my life better? What things can I do to make my life better in the absence of a partner? What do I offer a partner? And, most importantly, would I date me?

Stop with timelines. You’re lucky that, as a guy, you don’t have a biological clock to worry about. No one’s life goes exactly how they planned it in their head. And your future planning is getting in the way of living today, being in the present, and making the best impression you can.

You will neither settle nor die alone. But you have to put in the work.

Let me know how I can help.

— Erika

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(Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating. Want to connect with Erika? Join her newsletter, eepurl.com/dpHcH

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©2019 Erika Ettin

Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.

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PHOTO of Erika Ettin is available from the Columnist Mugs