Relationships Talk

JUST a few weeks before my wedding I was given some heartfelt advice by a close family member.

“Don’t get married,” he said.

Marrige is not just an excuse for a good party, it’s for life

“It’s fine for the good times but it makes it harder to leave when you hit the bad times.”

I pondered these words of wisdom for a few moments before replying: “But that’s the whole point of marriage, so you DON’T leave when times are bad.”

Now the Government wants to make splitting up easier than ever, with plans to introduce “no fault” divorces.

Thankfully, I ignored my relative’s unusual brand of marriage guidance and went through with my vows.

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It takes a lot of work to make a successful marriage but it is worth it

And despite our fair share of good and bad over the years, my husband and I are still together 11 years on.

It turns out we are not the only ones.

While the number of people choosing to get married is falling, the number deciding to divorce is falling much faster — at three times the rate.

Fewer couples may be saying “I do”, but a heck of a lot less are then going on to say “I don’t any more”.

Divorcee dozen

Despite today’s throwaway, Love Island culture — where we are encouraged to live for the moment and do whatever makes us happy, to hell with the consequences — our divorce rate is now the lowest since 1973.

Only 84 marriages in every 10,000 ended in divorce last year.

That is a 40 per cent drop since the 1990s.

And even when couples do split up, they are waiting longer before they part.

Alamy

Societal stigma of single mums is less now so there’s less pressure to get married

Forget the seven-year itch, it is now the divorcee dozen you should look out for.

This is all good news for the 13million married couples and their families in England and Wales.

After years of being told that marriage is an outdated, patriarchal institution, it turns out it is just as relevant — and cherished — today as it ever was.

Even with an end to the social stigma of unmarried mums, and less pressure on couples to formalise their relationship, more people still choose to wed than choose not to.

Alamy

Most young girls dream of ‘her prince riding up on his white horse and getting down one knee’

After all, no eight-year-old girl ever sat playing with her dolls dreaming of the day her prince rides up on his white horse, gets down on one knee and says: “Do you fancy shacking up with me?”

While the fairytale marriage may not exist in the real world, the truth is that marriage does still matter and, far from being irrelevant in the 21st century, we need it today more than ever.

Couples in the past were forced to marry if they wanted to have sex, or children, or just to escape their parents’ home.

Women, for many centuries, were banned from working outside the house, so had no choice but to marry if they wanted anything out of life.

Alamy

In the past people used to marry if they wanted to have sex or escape their parents — today most marry for love

Today most people marry for love, rather than need.

But of course that means that when the first flames of passion die down, couples need to find something else to tie them together.

Marriage is certainly hard when you live in a “me, me, me” culture where we expect to satisfy our every passing whim NOW and, when we grow bored of our clothes, handbags or iPhones, we just toss them aside and buy something new.

Marriages do not work like that.

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Marriage can be difficult but you’ve got to push through the tough times

Never believe anyone who claims their marriage has been a bed of roses from dawn to dusk, day in, day out.

They are liars.

Every marriage has its ups and downs.

My marriage went through very rocky times early on as we struggled with stressful jobs, a new baby, four miscarriages and everything else life could throw at us.

But I am proud to say we did not give up and head to the divorce courts, even though at times that felt like an easier option.

Bedrock of society

Instead, we went to counselling and worked through our problems to get back to the good times.

And we are grateful every day that we did.

Legal reforms in 1969 introduced the “quickie” divorce for adultery or unreasonable behaviour — and led to a spike in break-ups.

The latest proposals for even quicker “no fault” divorces could do the same.

Surely it would make more sense for the Government to focus its time, energy and resources on encouraging married couples to stay together, rather than helping them split up.

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Despite the plans, politicians know the best thing for a child is a stable marriage

However much fashions may change, marriage is still the bedrock of our society and the building block of our families and communities.

Do not listen to the politicians and campaigners who dismiss it as outdated and meaningless.

Most of them are married themselves.

And that is because they know that one of the best things a parent can do for their child is to have a happy, stable marriage.

That means putting rings on fingers.

Getty – Contributor

Single parents do an incredible job raising their children alone, but it’s hard to escape the facts

Why?
We all know families where single mums or divorced couples are doing a brilliant job of raising their children, but the facts do not lie.

Couples are far less likely to break up if they tie the knot than if they choose to simply cohabit.

Of course no one wants unhappy couples to be forced into long, drawn-out, acrimonious battles over the family home, finances or the children.

Getty – Contributor

Marriage is not just a ring on a finger, it is a commitment for life

But that is not an argument to make divorce as easy as doing your grocery shopping online.

Marriage is not just a piece of paper or a ring on your finger — or an excuse for a big party.

It is much more than that.

The truth is that marriage — for better or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health — still plays a vital role in most of our lives and we should work harder to keep couples together.

Divorcing ourselves from that reality is not the answer.

Julia presents talkRADIO’s breakfast show every weekday from 6.30am to 10am.