Relationships Talk

Q: I am a lady aged 21 dating a man who is 45. He is divorced. We are planning to get married in the coming year. I love him and he loves me too.

My question is, is our marriage going to work given that sometimes he seems troubled by the fact that he is twice my age? Is our age difference going to bring problems in our marriage?

READERS REPLY

Age is not really a barrier in marriage but needs to be discussed for both parties to be comfortable. I notice that your friend is troubled about the difference in your ages. He is also divorced and probably is still processing the loss of his marriage.

Marriage is a lifetime decision and you need to thrash out issues that may cause future problems. I recommend you both get help from a marriage therapist before you get committed. God bless you. John Wambugu, via email.

The man is twice your age, meaning maturity levels are different. Age is not really an issue but you really have to give a lot of input and understanding into the relationship. If you are both in love with each other and are ready to do it, go ahead. For better or for worse. All the best. Calvin Queens, via email.

21 against 45, no matter what, will keep on bringing misunderstanding, so go on with the knowledge that you’re ages apart in matters perspective. John Muchiri Mwangi, via email.

The fact that you are dating a man twice your age can be challenging. You should first seek his explanation on the reasons for divorcing his wife. If you are comfortable with being his wife in future, just assure him of your commitment.

The success or failure of your relationship is in your hands. Age difference shouldn’t pose a threat to your marriage. Dennis Kangwana, via email.

Your age difference should not worry you; instead, get to understand why the two of you decided to settle for each other. If you have a solid foundation, then your marriage should be able to work out. But if your man seems troubled by the age difference as you put it then consider having a talk with him.

Let him understand that it’s just a number that cannot necessarily determine the success of your relationship or marriage. On the other hand, if you see it straining your relationship so much then you can as well part ways before it’s too late. Juma Felix, via email.

EXPERT ADVICE

Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:

Older men have married younger women for centuries. It’s not a question of age, it’s more about mutual interests. Why is he really marrying you? Are your families supportive? And most importantly, are you compatible?

If he is marrying you out of some sense of thrill and obligation then the chances of your marriage collapsing are pretty high. If he is the traditional, controlling man then there is a chance that he will limit your potential if you aspire to be more than just a housewife.

If indeed he is troubled by your age difference, that could be a sign that things might not be as rosy as you expect. As a young woman you have many choices to make and your untapped potential in life should not be limited by anyone at this stage.

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

Thanks for the advice you give every week Maurice.

I am in my early 30s and so is my boyfriend of five years. He recently lost his father, and I recently lost my job. We have been quite happy over the past few years, but now I am suffering from depression and he is also affected by his bereavement.

Both issues have made our relationship difficult. We get angry with each other all the time because we both want support from each other that the other cannot give. Can our relationship survive our double depression? Should we just break up until we are both healed?