Relationships Talk

Q: I have been dating two guys over the past year, and now it’s time for me to choose which one to get serious and settle down with.

One of them is my age – he is a lot of fun, good-looking, great to be around and he makes me really happy. The problem is that he has no goals and direction. He is just happy with the job he has now as an accountant and has no plans to further himself or even start a business.

The other guy is five years older than me, and very driven, although he is boring. He doesn’t make my heart ‘sing’, but he will be a good provider for the children and for me if I settle down with him.

What do I do? Should I follow my heart or my mind? Please help.

READERS’ ADVICE:

Marriage is a life thing. You have to be very sober when making this decision. It’s always good to marry someone who is goal-oriented and someone who also supports your goals. You can’t always only think of fun. In every relationship, communication is the key thing, and in most cases, feelings are two-way traffic. Let the second man know your likes and dislikes and he will be able to balance his life to avoid being boring. If you are ready to settle choose the best suitor and you won’t have a twinge of regret. If need be go, for professional help i.e. counselling. You will be in a position to understand yourself more.

Mercy Baiyenia, via email.

You have been dating Mr. A and B over the past year. Now, it’s time to make a decision regarding whom to marry. I ask you these questions: Which age bracket do you prefer for a husband? Do you value fun, a good-looking husband and temporal happiness, or a very driven husband who will provide for you and your children in future? If you follow your heart you will be choosing something which is positive, lasting and deep. If you follow your mind you will be choosing something which is temporal and shallow. You are responsible for your own happiness; it is you who should be creative so as to allow your heart to sing. These things should not come from outside you; if it does, it is only for a short time. I wish you good decision making.

Achieng Dara, via email.

You are now confused over whom to choose; this is what happens when you cheat. Be with the man who makes your heart happy. Someone you can call a best friend. Someone you can always talk to and share your emotions with. Don’t be with a man just because of the monetary aspect. This will assist you make your decision. Calvin Queens, via email.

Don’t rush the decision. I know you feel like the sooner you can figure out who you want to be with, the better. But realise this is a major decision! Not to put too much pressure on you, but it could impact the rest of your life. During that time, hopefully, one of the guys will do something good or bad to make the decision much easier for you. As long as you haven’t committed to either guy and don’t feel like you’re being disloyal to one guy by hanging out with the other, then you should take some time to make the decision.

James Njoki, via email. 

EXPERT ADVICE

Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:

From years of experience with marital issues I have found that almost 90 per cent of women choose the focused man, the provider, over the man who made them happy but once the dust settles they felt like they entered into a union with little or no affection; where love was just an overly used word but there were no feelings that related to love.

Those same women found themselves seeking thrills outside the marriage to bridge the emotional void in their home. Financial stability is great but at what cost? It is true that love does not pay bills nor school fees but misery and depression can cause death. I advise happiness first above all. The choice is yours.