'He's not your man' meme dishes awesome dating advice
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Leave it to social media to have the perfect dating advice right around the season you have to fly back home and deal with curious relatives. If you’re bringing a partner to this year’s family dinner, it’s a good idea to make sure he, she, or they aren’t Vincent van Gogh, Jake from State Farm, or a raccoon. Thankfully, some folks on Twitter made it clear how to avoid these pitfalls through the helpful “he’s not your man” meme.
The meme starts off with generally pretty good advice—if a man isn’t paying attention to you, either by taking too long to text back or not watching your Instagram stories, for example—it’s clear you’re not actually dating. But then the meme goes on to get weirder, listing characteristics of specific historical or literary figures.
Maybe your new beau is a history major, so make sure you know who you’re bringing to dinner.
Ladies if he:
-has too many pets
-wants to do anal
-is suspiciously close with his half sister
-once brought a tame bear with him to uni because they wouldn’t let him take his dogHe’s not your man. He’s poet and famous lothario Lord Byron
— Poppy (@0pxj0) November 24, 2018
Ladies, if he:
-was kicked out of uni
-was married before you
-set part of his house on fire as a kid
-frequently goes missing in the woods and forgets who he isHe’s not your man. He’s esteemed atheist poet, Percy Bysshe Shelley
— Poppy (@0pxj0) November 24, 2018
Ladies, if he
-is rich
-circumcised himself in front of the senate
-pretends to be a woman and whores himself out to the people of Rome
-suffocates and kills his friends by showering them with rose petalsHe’s not your man. He’s mad Roman emperor Elagabalus
— Poppy (@0pxj0) November 24, 2018
Ladies, if he:
– sends you risky/filthy dms
– writes stuff that makes no fucking sense
– wears fuckboy round specs
– wanders the streets of Dublin by nightHe’s not your man. He’s Irish avant-garde novelist James Joyce
— Belphoebe🍷💐🎨 (@ragsoflove) November 23, 2018
Ladies, if he:
-only responds if u text in emojis
-doesn’t care about your single wife policy
-refuses to wear anything but fine linens
-is a staunch polytheist
-claims victory at Kadesh when it was a tieHe’s not your man. He’s Egypt’s greatest king from Dyn 19, Ramesses II
— Sarah Parcak (@indyfromspace) November 23, 2018
Maybe you’re a huge geek. You’ve always wanted to get your family into Dungeons & Dragons. Well, good news:
Ladies, if he:
-doesn’t text you back
-doesn’t like your tweets
-has a garden of petrified foes
-has eight eyes at the end of writhing tentacles
-rules over a vast criminal organizationHe’s not your man. He’s Xanathar, beholder crimeboss of Waterdeep
— franiac (@ReidSuxLol) November 24, 2018
Ladies, if he:
– is super skinny
– is obsessed with jewelry
– only wants to go out at night
– is always talking to himself
– murdered his cousin over something littleHe’s not your man. He’s a Gollum.
— 🌲 Tea with Tolkien (@TeawithTolkien) November 24, 2018
If politics is a frequent topic of conversation during the holidays, make sure you’re not bringing any dead presidents or alt-right weirdos.
ladies, if he:
-can’t spell
-didn’t go to public school
-has 10 yachts
-makes it difficult to report sexual assault
-quietly dismantles the education system hiding behind a phalanx of more corrupt administration officialshe’s not a man. he’s secretary of education betsy devos
— Matt YOUR PRODUCT/ISSUE HERE FOR $8.99/DAY Negrin (@MattNegrin) November 24, 2018
Ladies, if he:
– only responds after you double text
– doesn’t care about your snap streak
– refuses to shave
– is a staunch abolitionist
– returns to Ohio after serving only one termHe’s not your man. He’s 19th president Rutherford B Hayes
— Kyle 🌱 (@KylePlantEmoji) November 22, 2018
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t respond to your calls & won’t meet you in public
– demands you “compromise” by giving him his way
– is funded by shadowy conservative billionaires
– has vague, suspect objections to PelosiHe’s not your man. He’s the House Problem Solvers Caucus
— Leah Greenberg (@Leahgreenb) November 24, 2018
Ladies, if he:
-only meets you in garages
-makes dates by covertly marking up a newspaper
-tells you to follow the money
-you don’t learn his real name for decadesHe’s not your man. He’s Deep Throat.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) November 24, 2018
And then there are just the weird ones that any self-respecting human should avoid:
ladies, if he:
– never texts you back
– always interjects with unsolicited advice
– reads your personal documents
– constantly tries to help you format paragraphs
– is a sentient paper cliphe’s not your man. he’s clippy the microsoft word office assistant
— #1 Rachel (@rachel) November 24, 2018
Ladies if he:
-starts eating your food when you leave the room
-can lift 10 times his weight
-calls another woman his queen
-lives in a hill
-has a hard, waterproof exoskeleton made of chitinHe’s not your man.
He’s an ant.— Ants killed my village (@zotpatrol) November 24, 2018
Ladies, if he
-Works in insurance
-Prefers talking to texting
-Calls in the middle of the night
-Says all the right things
-Wears khakisHe’s not your man. He’s Jake from State Farm.
— look at my dog (@oldmackyd) November 24, 2018
Ladies, if he:
– is amazing at soccer
– is v cute and considerate and funny
– loves Gouda
– puts tampons in his noseHe’s not your man. She’s The Man starring Amanda Bynes and Channing Tatum
— 𝔼𝕝𝕖𝕟𝕚 𝕊𝕒𝕦𝕧𝕒𝕘𝕖𝕒𝕦 (@Electriceleni) November 24, 2018
And then there’s just the damn truth.
Ladies if he:
-doesn’t answer your texts
-doesn’t snap you back
-drools a lot
-wags his tailhe’s not your man he’s a dog and he’s better than any man you could ever have
— the yam ma’am (@emmafischer_) November 24, 2018
The meme first appeared on Twitter on Nov. 22; since then it’s expanded to address advertising mascots:
ladies, if he…
– threatens you with constant messages
– always wondering where you are
– blames you for not making him happy enough
– judges the way you speak
– makes your undying love into a game for himHe’s not your man, he’s Duo, the duolingo owl
— Alison (@alisonguzzetti) November 24, 2018
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) November 24, 2018
And animals:
Ladies, if he:
– Doesn’t have a job
– no evolutionary purpose
– cute tho
– Seems drunk
– appropriated another culture & took their name
– costs 500k plus room and board
– Has poop that smells like lemonsHe is not your man, he is a giant panda on loan.
— Perfect Little Soup Bran (@ItsTheBrandi) November 24, 2018
Ladies, if he:
– ignores text messages
– doesn’t like your tweets
– can’t see directly in front of himself
-hunts stingrays
– migrates between the Bahamas and the CarolinasHe’s not your man. He’s a Great Hammerhead Shark.
— sharks & poems (@chessienc) November 24, 2018
Ladies, if he:
– leaves you on read
– doesn’t watch your Insta stories
– weighs up to 1,000 pounds at his fighting weight
– spends all summer eating thousands of salmon from the Brooks RiverHe’s not your man. He’s 480 Otis, three-time Fat Bear Week champ pic.twitter.com/BmzBDXjJRM
— Liz Belsky (@lizbelsky) November 24, 2018
And, of course, Gritty:
Ladies, if he:
– never responds to your texts
– doesn’t watch your Insta stories
– has an unclear backstory
– is mean to children
– works as an agent of chaos
– is a furry orange monstrosityHe’s not your man. He’s Gritty
— 🤩 POSITIVE BRUINS FAN 🐻 (@jeffisrael25) November 24, 2018
A meme that can be used to reference another meme? Count us in.
Some bigger organizations have gotten in on the meme, with varying levels of success:
Ladies, if he:
– ignores text messages
– spends all of his time at work
– insists he can see phantom limbs
– has encyclopaedic knowledge of ancient physics, logic and astronomyHe’s not your man. He’s the father of modern economics, Adam Smith
— Adam Smith Institute (@ASI) November 24, 2018
Ladies, if he:
– ignores text messages
– doesn’t like your tweets
– is always cold
– rarely opens up to you
– never leaves the house
– makes weird humming sounds at nightHe’s not your man. He’s a refrigerator.
— The Daily Wire (@realDailyWire) November 24, 2018
So, this holiday season, why not get some useful dating advice from a meme? You might learn something about historical figures in the process.
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