Relationships Talk

People like to repeat the saying “Before you can love anyone, you must love yourself.” But it’s not that simple. While it’s true that strong self-worth leads to strong relationships, one of the very first ways you learn to love yourself is by being loved by others and loving them back.

That’s why I think it’s wonderful that a big reason young people are entering relationships is to better themselves or to feel better about their lives. These sound like self-serving motives, but they are also healthy justifications. Dating someone who makes you feel good is something that should be celebrated.

In fact, I’m going to use a term that’s currently popular: self-care. Sometimes this word implies that your well-being should be entirely up to you (that’s a lot of pressure), but in reality, it’s okay to allow your significant other and the bond you share to act as a form of self-care and enhance who you are. Just as you work to honor, pamper, and improve yourself, you can let a romantic relationship do the same. If you’re coupled up, go for it. Here’s how.

Embrace Your Partner’s Expectations

You probably have high ones for yourself. But your partner may have just as high—or even higher—standards for you. Because of this, you might be more willing to strive to achieve excellence or to challenge or tend to yourself. It’s like when you are in a tough workout class and your instructor pushes you to run faster or train harder. Doing so can make you feel strong and happy about who you are and what you can accomplish, both within your relationship and outside it. This is the reason mature, established couples tend to say to each other, “You make me want to be the best version of myself.”

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Honor Their Acceptance

At the same time, no one is perfect—you will make mistakes and practice bad judgment in all areas of your life. When you’re dating some-one who has ID’d your flaws and still loves you, it helps you realize you have a lot to offer (and messing up isn’t always so bad). Such acceptance and stability can make you feel that even if you screw up or have odd quirks, you have a lot of value. You can obviously hold yourself in high regard whether or not you’re attached, but having a partner who sees you for who you are can give you a boost.

Take Advantage of the Support

In a strange way, there’s a certain dynamic you have with your mate that some of you may have with only one or two other people: your parents. You know these loved ones have your back, no matter what, and they reaffirm it by saying “I believe in you,” “Talk to me about your fears,” “I know you can do it,” and “I’m proud of you.” These sentiments, while small, are infinitely important. Having such an encouraging partner can help you take more risks (like applying for a job you think is a reach) and be bolder in ways you otherwise would not be (like standing up for yourself to a friend who betrayed you).

Borrow Some Perspective

Women, in particular, can be extremely hard on themselves. You might beat yourself up for failing an exam, missing a friend’s birthday party, or forgetting about an important assignment at work. In these instances, it’s a big deal to have a lover who, when you’re feeling down, says things like “Hey, you tried your best.” With these words, they are reminding you that success is not the only thing you should measure yourself by. This helps you put your failures into perspective (perhaps even better than you might have been able to do on your own). Then you can recover further with your partner’s help. Practice a little “self-care” by watching your favorite TV show together or cooking a wonderful dinner. You’ll nest, talk, then face the world again with a newfound point of view.

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Ask for Assistance

While you’re certainly a capable individual, being in a sturdy romance can teach you to ask for help when you need it. In fact, simply learning to say “I need help” is a beautiful and profound thing that can push you along in all aspects of your life. Of course, it’s unrealistic to expect your partner to aid you in all ways. If you’re an artist and they’re an engineer, you shouldn’t expect them to offer extensive feedback on your latest project. But having some reassurance that it’s okay to request a hand from someone—whether that’s a friend or mentor or, yes, your mate—will help you feel less alone and become a more well-rounded person.

For more love & relationships advice from Esther Perel, pick up the September 2018 issue on newsstands now, or click here to subscribe to the digital edition!