Relationships Talk

While most women feel excitement at the prospect of getting married, one woman says she’s dreading the thought, despite their long history and two children together.

“Myself and my DP (Dear Partner) have been together [for] four years,” she writes on parenting forum mumsnet.

“We tried for a long time for our DD (Dear Daughter) and then unexpectedly our contraception failed and I’m suddenly pregnant again with my boy.”

The mum says she loves her children and wouldn’t change them for the world, but that while her kids are happy, she is not. 

In this week’s episode of Honey Mums, Deb Knight talks to popular blogger Mrs Woog about friendship and family. (Article continues.)

“We live together,” she says. “Finances are okay, kids are happy but I’m not.”

She says she finds herself struggling to get along with or even talk to her partner.

“We don’t talk to each other,” she writes. “It’s like we’re roommates who sleep in the same bed. Today, for example, we’ve probably only said two words to each other and that’s it.

“He says it’s a comfortable silence and he still loves me.”

However she says she finds their relationship “awkward.”

“In his free time, he likes to game, which is fine,” she says. “But we haven’t had time to ourselves in a long while and I feel so distant and I’m falling out of love with him.”

She says she’s tried to talk to him about it but feels he brushes her off by saying everything is “fine”.

The situation is even more complicated for the woman because her parents are paying for their upcoming wedding as a gift.

(mumsnet)

“My parents are giving us the gift of getting married as my dad is ill and [we] are not sure how long he has left,” she writes. 

She then says it’s only recently that it’s hit her that she doesn’t actually want to marry her partner.

“There’s nothing in common,” she says. “We don’t talk to one another. We aren’t even in the same room majority of the time we are together. And he prefers gaming to spending time with me.”

The woman writes that even when she tries to make conversation with her partner, their relationship “just doesn’t work anymore.”

It’s just getting so difficult,” she continues. “I’ve come down so ill tonight and I feel so neglected. I wanted him to come to bed and/or help me with the kids if they wake up — I can’t sit up, I keep fainting — and he told me he wanted to game instead. 

“I was awake when he came to bed and he just looked at me, rolled over and went to sleep.

“Please talk me through this,” she says. “I can’t see myself loving him to the point I want to be married anymore. I can’t even see this being long-term. He just brushes me off whenever I try to talk about us.”

(Getty)

Majority of responses urge her not to get married.

“You don’t have to marry him,” writes starryeyed19. “Being married to someone who doesn’t listen to you will break you. Give yourself permission to say no. To do the things that you need to do to help preserve your sense of self.”

“Tell your parents how you feel,” suggests CatOwned. “I doubt your DF (Dear Father) would be happy to see you marrying because of him. If you were my DD, I would gladly use the wedding money to help you get established after separating.” 

Arum51 suggests delaying the wedding instead of breaking up. “Of course he thinks everything is fine,” they write. “He’s got a very nice life. You need to break through his little bubble, because he currently thinks that if he can go on denying there’s a problem, he’ll be able to keep doing what he’s doing.

“Tell him the wedding is off. You’re prepared to let him stay for a while, to see if this is salvageable. However, big changes in his life are going to have to happen, starting with cold turkey on the gaming. He starts talking to you; you go places and do things together.”

User Rednaxela also suggests the woman continue to work on the relationship. “Be prepared to keep reinforcing the message with actions and repeated reminders. Think of it as training him to consider your needs. He is the father of your kids, he doesn’t hit you or have an alcohol problem. The relationship is worth fighting for. You do that by training him to behave differently.”

However another forum user strongly disagrees with the advice to keep trying.

“With respect, this is bollocks,” they say. “If he won’t even acknowledge how you feel on a simple, fundamental basis…? It’s not your job to fix him. It’s not your job to train him or change him.”

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