Admitting I was wrong about the biggest accomplishment of my life hasn’t always been easy, but it made me better at recognizing tribalism and dogma.

In 1997, when I was 21 years old, I wrote a Christian book on romance and relationships called “I Kissed Dating Goodbye.” Its basic premise was that the best way to avoid pre-marital sex was to stop dating altogether. Dating was a game — it hurt people and it was practice for divorce and a distraction from preparing for life. If you just trusted God, he would provide the right person at the right time. I remember praying at the time: “God let me write a book that will change the world.” I was young, zealous, certain, and restlessly ambitious.

Youth, zeal, certainty and ambition — not unlike the ingredients of a Molotov cocktail which have a tendency to set the world on fire. And that’s exactly what happened in my world of evangelical Christianity. My book went on to sell more than 1.2 million copies and be embraced by churches, families and thousands of single men and women. My ideas reshaped how many Christians practiced relationships and viewed sex. However, 20 years later, many of them look back with deep regret that they ever read it. 

Through the twists and turns of life, two years ago I began a process of re-evaluating the book. This included inviting people to share their stories with me on my website, personal phone calls with readers, and an in-depth study of issues surrounding my book overseen by one of my graduate school professors. After listening to the stories and conducting a lengthy and sometimes painful process of re-evaluation, I reached the conclusion that the ideas in my book weren’t just naïve, they often caused harm. As a result, my publisher has agreed to my request to cease its publication. 

I don’t have a formula for happily-ever-after

Now, as a dad to three teenagers, I think dating can be a healthy part of a person developing relationally and learning the qualities that matter most in a partner. I realize now that my book, in an effort to set a high standard, emphasized practices (like not dating or not kissing before marriage) and concepts (like “giving your heart away”) that are not in the Bible. In trying to warn people of the potential pitfalls of dating, instead it often instilled fear  — fear of making mistakes or having their heart broken.

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The book also gave some the impression that a certain methodology of relationships would deliver a happily ever-after ending — a great marriage, and a great sex life — even though this is not promised by scripture.

I’ve the spent the last two years on what some have dismissively called an apology tour. Since inviting readers to share their stories, I’ve filmed a documentary that shows my journey of interacting with my critics and captured conversations with people who were reshaping my thinking. I’ve also done dozens of media interviews to try and spread the word about the flaws I now see in my ideas. 

It’s too little and it’s too late, but I hope it will encourage important conversations that are bigger than my book — conversations about the consequences of heavy-handed attempts to control people’s sexuality, about what religious movements do when their well-intentioned practices cause harm, and about the purpose of admitting something was wrong when the damage has already been done. 

Secular dogma is as bad as religious dogma

Admitting that I was wrong hasn’t been easy for me. I’ve angered people who still like my book, and my efforts are understandably viewed as inadequate by the people who were hurt. But I’m glad I set out on this journey because it’s been a pathway of transformation for me and I’ve heard from others who have found healing in knowing they’re not alone in reconsidering old ways of thinking. 

For many years I participated in a very conservative church where I saw the mindset that you can only be accepted relationally if you think rightly and subscribe to our dogma. In recent years I’ve often seen that same mindset in liberal people both inside and outside the church — the dogma is different, but the tribalism and the “us/them” division and dismissiveness are the same. 

I’ve changed my mind about my book, but my hope is that others will think for themselves. I’m trying to let go of the desire to control other people’s thoughts, and I want to accept, learn from, and love people who see the world radically differently than me.

Admitting I was wrong about the biggest accomplishment of my life has given me a greater willingness to admit that I don’t have all the answers. As hard as it’s been, this road has given me the space to listen to, enjoy, and love others in a new way. Whatever you might think about dating or my book, I hope you’ll think for yourself and be compassionate toward those whose experience has been different than yours.

Joshua Harris lives in Vancouver, British Columbia. He owns a marketing and brand strategy company called Clear & Loud. The documentary about his journey has been released by Exploration Films and can be watched free at www.joshharris.com. Follow him on Instagram @harrisjosh.

 

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