Relationships Talk

You guys. The brilliant women at 9Honey have decided to trust me with all of your problems because I am absolutely, definitely qualified! Whatever advice you need—relationship, career, sex, etiquette, kids, family—you name it, I’ve got you covered. I may not be an expert in anything, but I like to give advice about everything.

When you start a new job, how long do you think you should wait until you start showing your true self ? When can you start letting the more eccentric parts of your personality show?

Look, I work from home, so I’m probably not the best person to answer this question. I’m currently in Minnie Mouse pyjamas and there is a Grease 2 poster on the wall behind me because I consider it the greatest movie of all time and that is absolutely the hill I am prepared to die on.

But I get where you’re coming from – I can let it all hang out because there’s no one here to judge my life choices. But you have actual people to impress, and most importantly, people you are hoping will pay you money that you can use to buy shit from ASOS.

In that case, I’m going to dip into my vast knowledge of complicated legal contracts here (reading about celebrity prenups) and give you the following advice:

DO NOT DO ANYTHING STUPID UNTIL YOU HAVE SIGNED ON THE DOTTED LINE. Hailey Baldwin recently hooked in Justin Bieber without a prenup (because aged 24, after three months of dating, they definitely knew they were meant to be together forever and nothing will ever make them want to break up at all because IT’S TRUE LOVE OKAY) and I can guarantee you that the moment that marriage was official she started picking her nose in front of him and stopped giving him head jobs immediately. But it doesn’t matter, because if gossip mags have taught me anything, when they inevitably head to spiltsville when it – GASP! – doesn’t work out, she’s still entitled to Bieber billions.

(He’s been spotted reading marriage advice books about how wives should obey their husbands and he goes to a church that says being gay is a sin so… can’t say I feel bad about a Baldwin getting half his cash.

(esquire.com)

But that’s none of my business…)

Anyway, my point is, wait until your contract is signed. Hold out on being weird for that three month waiting period, but the day you sign on the dotted line, start preaching about intergalactic overlord Xenu to your heart’s content (I imagine you’ve got something massively weird to hide or you wouldn’t be asking this question).

I recently went through a difficult break-up and then met someone who isn’t quite my type. We met at an interstate conference and had some fun over a few nights, but have since had to go our separate ways. We’ve kept in touch and meet up every now and then for a little fun, but every time I mention him, my friends constantly bring me down about it and tell me I’m being childish. They think I’m taking the ‘rebound guy’ too far, and that any feelings I have are just preventing me from dealing with the initial break-up.

Although I sort of agree, I’m having fun and it is genuinely taking my mind off my problems. How do I tell them I appreciate the concern, but don’t want to be put down for the way I’m dealing with my issues?

Ain’t nothing wrong with a bit of fun, commitment-free sex after a break up. I’m reminded of the wise, ancient proverb: The best way to over someone, is to get under someone.

Difficult break-ups take time to get over, but one day, you wake up and suddenly notice that it’s been weeks since you last thought about the person who broke your heart and Osher-d you out the door, and that’s when you realise you’ve finally moved on.

You might as well be having regular orgasms until that time comes, so… TELL YOUR FRIENDS TO STOP CLIT-BLOCKING YOU.I mean, geez, give a girl a break, amiright?

My family and I recently moved overseas for the next couple of years for my husband’s work. We’ve only been gone for a couple of months and I’ll be back to do some things for about a week soon. A few weeks ago my mother underwent knee surgery, which all went well, and has been back at her flat for about a week now (she lives alone). My sister lives a few hours away from her and has not gone to see her yet.

I’m pretty furious but whenever I try and bring anything up with my mother she will defend my sister to the absolute end of the earth. My sister even said she would go visit my mother the other day but then pulled out last minute because she had a late night at work – and as far as I know, hasn’t rescheduled the visit! How do I get my sister to pull her act together and take responsibility particularly when I am in a different country? Or at least how do I get my mother not to just think that this is acceptable behaviour?

But, your mum does think it’s acceptable behaviour, and she’s the only one who matters in this situation so… why do you care?

I get the feeling this is less about someone actually helping your mum and more about you having the shits with your sister. Did your sister always steal your clothes and then spill sauce on them when you were growing up? Wake you up by farting in your face? Get away with doing whatever she wanted while you did everything right and sacrificed everything always and GOT NO DAMN CREDIT FOR IT? No?

(Giphy)

All siblings handle their relationships with their parents differently – it sounds like you treat your mum like she needs a babysitter and your sister is happy to let her take care of herself. The level of support your mum needs may fall somewhere in between the two, but I’m assuming that since you were willing to move overseas, then you don’t think she desperately needs 24/7 care. If she did, this would be a whole other scenario – one that would require serious planning and conversations and no messing around by writing into advice columns.

But, I don’t think from your question that things are that serious yet, so, to be honest, your mum is probably just stoked to not have the two of you constantly bickering around her for once.

Could your sister visit more? Yes. Did you move away to another country? Yes. Has your mother complained about either of you not being around? No! Do with that information what you will.

If you want my definitely expert advice on anything at all, email me at iknownothing@nine.com.au

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