Relationships Talk

Simone Lewis-Turner felt hopeless.

She had broken up with her ex-boyfriend this year after trying to show him he was being abusive. He wouldn’t hear it. He said he’d expose her if she left. She didn’t understand what he meant and tried to move on.

But after the breakup, Lewis-Turner went to school one day and discovered he had shown people intimate photos and videos of her. She didn’t even know they existed until then. She is 16.

The incident left her feeling “emotionally broken down,” she told USA TODAY NETWORK-Wisconsin, sometimes through tears. 

“It really woke me up,” she said. “I didn’t realize someone you would claim to love would do that to you.”

Lewis-Turner, of Milwaukee, is among the 20 percent of Wisconsin teens who have experienced dating violence, according to End Domestic Abuse Wisconsin. Data from the 2017 Youth Risk Behavior Survey show that 10 percent of students in a relationship reported experiencing sexual dating violence within the year before the survey, meaning they were forced by a partner to engage in sexual activity.

In the same survey, 6.9 percent of students endured physical dating violence, such as being hit or injured by their partner. 

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention defines teen dating violence as “physical, sexual, psychological, or emotional aggression within a dating relationship, including stalking” that can occur in-person or electronically, between a current or former dating partner.

“Teen dating violence is just as dangerous and as serious as adult dating violence,” said Patti Seger, executive director of End Domestic Abuse Wisconsin. “People often think, oh they’re just teens, what can happen?”

Lewis-Turner’s experience was traumatizing, she said, but support from family and friends helped her persevere. And though she didn’t want this to be part of her story, she refused to let it drain her. She realized she could turn it into something positive and take action.

Now, she’s part of a group of teens across the state propelling a campaign, dubbed Dare2Know, that aims to tackle teen dating violence.

“I never want someone to feel that way,” she said.

DATABASE: Search Wisconsin youth risk behavior survey results

For teens, dating violence can shape future relationships

Experiencing abuse at such a young age can disrupt how teens perceive healthy relationships. Our first relationships tell the brain what they’re supposed to look like and allow us to test the waters, Seger told USA TODAY NETWORK-Wisconsin.

And experts say abuse leads to trauma, which can cause teens to struggle with depression, self-esteem issues and substance abuse.

For some teens, a destructive relationship may seem perfectly normal, said Marianne Radley, an advocacy manager for Reach Counseling in Neenah. Radley said teens might not recognize abusive behavior if they don’t have healthy experiences or positive examples at home.

“They might not know that they don’t deserve to be treated a certain way,” she said.

The problem is even more harrowing for LGBTQ youth, who experience teen dating violence more frequently than their heterosexual peers, according to Kristen Ramirez of Milwaukee-based advocacy group Diverse & Resilient. And it’s hard to narrow down a specific reason why, she said.

But one of the biggest challenges for these teens is finding people who understand their identities. 

“Having access to competent, safe, supportive care in the midst of that can be a challenge for LGBTQ young people,” Ramirez said.

Teen dating violence can set the stage for abusers, too. If there’s not an intervention in perpetrators’ behavior early on, Radley said, they’re likely to continue that behavior into adulthood. 

Seger agrees.

“They learn a lot about what works and doesn’t work in order to have control over their partner,” she said.

‘I thought it would be my fault’

The relationship started with comments that made Emily feel insecure. The 19-year-old man would say she should be more like his ex-girlfriend. But Emily thought he might be different, she said, a better person. She pushed the red flags aside and didn’t tell anyone.

Emily is a pseudonym for a 17-year-old Stevens Point girl who spoke with USA TODAY NETWORK-Wisconsin about her experience. She asked not to be named in this story, and the news organization only identifies victims of sexual violence with their permission.

Emily felt a lot of pressure, she said, but she put up a facade that she was OK. 

“I stayed for that time because I thought that this was the best it’s going to get,” she said, speaking nervously as she shared her story. “I’m not going to find anyone who is going to love me.”

The comments eventually turned into sexual abuse, Emily said, including groping without her consent that made her uncomfortable. No matter how often she told him no, she said, he kept abusing her. Sometimes it happened multiple times a day. She felt dirty. 

“I was so scared to tell anyone because I wasn’t saying no outright, but I kept pushing him away and it didn’t work,” she said. “I thought it would be my fault.”

The two dated for about six months, and Emily eventually had enough. Because of her experience, she said, she’s scared to dive into a new relationship and pushes away anyone who wants to get close. And she still worries she hasn’t seen the last of her ex-boyfriend.

“I still feel guilty in a way that I’m the reason that he could hurt himself, that he could come back and hurt me or persuade me into something I don’t want to do anymore,” she said. “I still live with that kind of fear.” 

RELATED: Milwaukee homicide trial shows teen dating violence dangers

RELATED:Wisconsin student suicide rates drop in summer, rise in school year

How anti-domestic violence advocates are combating the issue

Dare2Know, the campaign that Lewis-Turner joined, was launched by End Domestic Abuse Wisconsin. It aims to create teen ambassadors who know the signs of dating violence and can be a resource for their peers.

“Teens are much more likely to speak to another teen, a friend, about what’s happening to them than they are to speak to an adult,” Seger said.

Cia Siab Vang, an 18-year-old ambassador in Stevens Point, said Dare2Know ambassadors have three primary goals: Teach teens to value their voices, talk to their peers and connect with the community. Vang, who is Hmong, also wants to ensure the campaign is inclusive of all groups’ experiences. 

“Youths are the leaders of today,” she said. 

The issue is on the state Legislature’s radar as well. Rep. Melissa Sargent, D-Madison, authored a bill last year that would have required schools to implement and establish criteria for teen dating violence education. The proposal didn’t make substantial progress, but Sargent said she isn’t letting go.

To her, it’s important to raise awareness of the issue and make sure young people know there are support systems out there.

“We are living in a time where people need to be reminded about kindness and empathy and how to be a good friend,” she said.

Lewis-Turner believes it’s important for teens to be involved in this advocacy and wants adults to come to them for support or advice, instead of just telling them what’s right or wrong. It’s also important not to blame victims, she said.

And one key to curbing dating violence lies in people sharing their stories, Lewis-Turner said.

“Without anyone talking up and valuing their voice, nothing will change,” she said. “The cycle will continue.”

For help and more

► If you need help, contact loveisrespect at 866-331-9474, 866-331-8453 (TTY) or text “loveis” to 22522. Online chat is available at loveisrespect.org.

► You can also contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or 800-787-3224 (TTY). Online chat is available at thehotline.org.

► If you need to reach the National Sexual Assault Hotline, call 800-656-4673 or chat with someone online at rainn.org.

► Visit endabusewi.org/gethelp to find information about local resources across Wisconsin.

► To learn more about Dare2Know, visit dare2knowwi.org or facebook.com/Dare2KnowWI, or follow @dare2knowwi on Instagram. 

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