Relationships Talk

Dear Teresa,

What’s your best piece of advice to help make my brand-new marriage last forever?

— Hopeful in Hartford

Dear Hopeful,

We love this question! Happy to answer it again, with new replies. But my best piece of advice? Oh, honey. You don’t want my advice. But the Internet — otherwise sucking the life out of most of us — has its occasional benefits. While I have nothing to offer, many of my online “friends,” as usual, have plenty to share.

From my divorced or single yet optimistic friends:

• Communication is key. (Can we just repeat that one, over and over again? Seriously, it’s so freaking important.)
• Pick your battles. The little things don’t really matter. (Yes, yes, yes.) Go to the mat for the big stuff, like mutual respect and putting your partner first. Be prepared to give 80 percent most of the time, and don’t keep score.
• Have open, honest communication and a sense of humor, and give support.
• Follow the golden rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated.
• Do the crossword puzzle together every weekend.
• “Equal” and “fair” aren’t exactly the same in terms of household chores. Be flexible and generous.
• Blended families can cause added nightmares. Make sure spouses know not to badmouth each other’s kids.
• Maintain your friendships and activities.
• If you make it about you, or her, you’re doomed. If you always make it about US, you have a fighting chance.
• Continue to date your partner. Respect both time together and apart.
• Practice saying “I’m sorry” in front of the mirror.

From the happily married (or at least they look that way on Facebook):

• If something is irritating you or bothering you about your mate’s behavior, have an early, honest and kind-hearted conversation about it. Those things fester and build, and you can not expect your partner to understand their impact on you and attempt to remedy anything unless you discuss it with them.
• Always act like you’re on the same team as your spouse and treat each other with respect.
• You’re not perfect. Don’t expect him or her to be.
• Talk to your partner as nicely as you do to your friends. Kindly ask for what you need, don’t assume they know what your needs are.
• Communication, honesty, compromise. Support one another, and treat each other as equals.
• Haven’t I answered this question before? (Yes, you have, but you’re so good at it!) Admit when you’re wrong. Say you’re sorry. Oh, and separate vacations.
• It’s a marathon, not a sprint. And while marathons can be glorious and amazing, they take training, effort and commitment.
• Every once in a while, look at your spouse as if they were not your spouse — just another person trying to enjoy this one life they have. Being a spouse comes with all kinds of seriousness, obligations and expectations. Looking at them differently just might help you look past all that and have some fun together.
• Pick your battles. If you don’t understand it now, you will.
• Keep a self-deprecating sense of humor. Never take yourself too seriously, and always be the first to apologize. If you can make your significant other laugh in the process, all the better.
• Be sure this is someone you can make happy by being yourself.
• Remember why you picked that person. Don’t complain about them to those outside the partnership.
• If it’s a second marriage or one that involves kids, remember: Kids only get one childhood. Love your kids more than you hate your ex. Don’t force your new spouse onto your kids and vice versa. Always, always, always let the “step parent” be the good guy and don’t badmouth exes in front of the kids.
• Don’t hide things. Money, feelings, “stuff.” Hiding things never ends well.
• Always leave the light on for them. Light the whole way. It shows that you are eager to see them and that you’ve been thinking of/caring about them while they were out. (This is making my heart melt.)
• Always make time for each other, and above all, have fun — lots of fun!

From those jaded and never remarrying. Well, maybe:

• If you need to ask for advice, don’t bother entering marriage. Just use common sense.
• Never believe it’s “just a friend from work.”
• RUN!!

Teresa M. Pelham is a Farmington-based writer — not a certified or registered anything — and is the middle-person between you and free relationship advice. Please send your anonymous love-related questions to Teresa at tpelham@comcast.net.