Relationships Talk

The 2003 story featured comments from an expert on marriage dynamics who noted it was statistically unusual for all of the couples to still be married after five years.

Now 20 years later, they decided to revisit those couples and found that at least two of the unions ended in divorce.

Of the original eight couples mentioned in the 2003 story, members from six could be reached for this story. Of those six marriages, four remain intact.

In the case of one of two marriages confirmed not to have made it, one half of the couple declined an interview, but stated that he was “happily divorced.”

The other confirmed divorce was finalized this past spring.

When it came to the marriages that lasted, the couples answered questions aimed at sussing out clues as to what helped to make things work for them.

Here’s what their answers revealed.

The kid factor

Maren and Gary Niemeier, Grand Forks, N.D., have two daughters, 16 and 19 years old. They said children introduced a major change in their relationship.

“Our different child-rearing approaches had a big impact on us as a couple,” the Niemeiers said.

“It was hard to separate our own methods from habits that popped up from prior generations. You quickly realize your kids are learning by watching, so modeling good behavior really plays into the partner experience,” they added.

The arrival of children also introduced a major change in the marriage of Sheila and Stuart Gunness, rural Walcott, N.D., who have two children, a son, 14, and a daughter, 11.

“Our alone time is very limited!” the couple said. “You have to want to make time for each other.”

Challenges and triumphs

Scott and Lisa Mauch, of Marshall, Minn., have four children, three daughters ages, 9, 17, and 19, and a son, 14.

They count their children as a major accomplishment of their marriage.

“One major triumph is raising our four children to be great kids. They are loved by so many people,” the Mauchs said.

The biggest challenge of their marriage? “Trying to stay connected with your partner.”

The Gunnesses said they have been fortunate in that challenges have been few in their years together. “We feel a triumph for us is that we are still in love and enjoying this crazy life!” the Gunnessess said.

Staying together

“Trust and respect take a lot of work to build up and can be quickly undone with a cruel word, or selfish action,” the Niemeiers advised.

“Being married is not license to let it all hang out,” they added. “Do your best to be diplomatic. People visit the auto mechanic, but wouldn’t dream of consulting a marriage mechanic; it’s worth the investment. The grass is greener where you water it.”

The Gunnesses shared similar advice: “Don’t let the little things bother you. Pick your battles.”

For the Mauchs, it’s about working at it. “You need to make time for each other, whether just staying home or going on a date.

“We realize that to make it to the good times (and there are too many to count), we need to rise above ourselves and see how the other person feels and give in or compromise,” they said, adding: “Just work it out.”

Some takeaways

From the Niemeiers: “Our secret marriage technique: sitting up in bed on a weekend morning, grabbing a beverage (Gary — coffee, Maren — tea) and just talking for an hour about anything and everything. It’s amazing what you can learn.”

They also shared this bit of advice, which they found in an online advice column on what helps make a marriage work: Negotiate differences in taste intelligently and tolerate differences with generosity.

“With those two skills, a marriage could go far,” they said.

From the Mauchs: “We would not change a thing about our lives at this time. We are all happy and healthy and have a beautiful family.”

From the Gunnesses: “Marriage takes work! You have to learn how to compromise.”

A fourth marriage that lasted is that of Laurie and Brian Kuehl of Moorhead, whose busy lives did not permit them to fill out the questionnaire, though they kindly shared a portrait photo for this story.