Relationships Talk

It’s easy to be in awe of Michelle Obama. For years, Obama has preached how accomplishments are the foundation of confidence, and listening to her, so poised, so gracious, so confident, it’s hard to imagine she’s ever failed, been hurt or blundered in any meaningful way. In her new book, Becoming, the former first lady takes the opportunity to correct us, and recounts her life from the beginning: growing up on Euclid Ave on the South Side of Chicago, her journey to Princeton, to Harvard Law School, becoming a high powered attorney, marrying Barack Obama, raising her two daughters while working full time, transitioning careers, becoming a political spouse when she hated politics and her journey all the way to the White House. It’s inspiring, it’s raw and reassuring as she explains that she indeed has failed, often experiences self-doubt and has been hurt by things the media and other people have said. But she kept moving forward, kept doing excellent work and let her accomplishments speak for themselves.

The former first lady relished meeting with young people, especially young girls, and writes that it was one of her favorite parts of the role. In her final address as first lady, Obama said, “I want our young people to know that they matter, that they belong, so don’t be afraid. You hear me? Young people, don’t be afraid. Be focused, be determined, be hopeful, be empowered,” while speaking at an event honoring the 2017 School Counselor of the Year. “Lead by example with hope, never fear, and know that I will be with you, rooting for you and working to support you for the rest of my life.” Obama’s book builds on this promise, leaving messages and advice for young people strewn through her book, especially when recounting certain milestones or particularly difficult moments. By discussing her own humanity, her failures, her doubts and the times she’s been hurt and marginalized is to help empower young people, and show them that they too can accomplish great things in spite of their obstacles, and show them that education, resolve and hard work can change the course of your life. Here are several pieces of wisdom Obama imparts to young people in, Becoming.

Failure Is Temporary

After grinding through Princeton then Harvard Law School, Obama prepared to take the bar, and the results were not what she expected. “I had never failed a test in my entire life… But I’d blown it with the bar. I was ashamed, sure I’d let down every person who’d ever taught, encouraged, or employed me. I wasn’t used to blundering.” Obama was embarrassed, but didn’t let her shame or her pride prevent her from dusting herself off and getting back to work.” Later that fall, I buckled down and studied for a do-over test, going on to pass it handily. In the end, aside from issues of pride, my screw up would make no difference at all.” Everyone fails. It’s how you address failure that determines the accomplishments and successes in your life.

You Are Not Someone Else’s Opinion Of You  

Obama admitted that when she was younger she was a people pleaser, and she cared what other people thought. Over time she began to measure her self-worth in terms of standard and achievement, but still believed if she “worked diligently and honestly” she would be recognized for who she is and avoided by bullies. She was very wrong. During the 2008 campaign, republicans edited one of her campaign speeches and took a remark out of context, labeling her as “angry” and “other.” They also twisted and contorted the meaning of her Princeton senior thesis as racist against white people. “I was exhausted by the meanness, thrown by how personal it had become, and feeling, too, as if there were no way I could quit…I’m telling you, this stuff hurt.” Obama realized whether she said something perfectly, or was open and honest with her intentions, people were going to find ways to disapprove of her. So focus on doing good work and liking who you are, because people will dislike you regardless.

Define Things For Yourself

Obama came into the role of first lady not sure what form the role would take with her in it. She looked to Hillary Clinton’s example, and learned that attempting to get involved in her husband’s administration would impede any goals they were trying to accomplish, but wanted to do meaningful work, but wanted to take the role in a direction she hadn’t seen before. She knew it would take a lot of work, and she would likely get some pushback, but she wanted to make her time as first lady substantive and meaningful. “I knew what mattered to me. I didn’t want to be some sort of well-dressed ornament who showed up at parties and ribbon cuttings. I wanted to do things that were purposeful and lasting.”

Seek Formal Mentoring/Formal Mentoring Needs To Diversify  

Obama started a program at the White House that mentored young high school girls in the area, in large part because of impact her mentors made in her life and career. “I knew from my own life experience that when someone shows genuine interest in your learning and development, even if only for ten minutes in a busy day, it matters. It matters especially for women, for minorities, for anyone society is quick to overlook.”

A Better World Begins In Your Mind 

During the last year of her husband’s presidency, the former first lady began to take stock of their time in the White House, “tallying the gains and losses” she writes, and the sacrifices for the progress made- for the country and her family. She found herself so far away from the future she envisioned for herself when she was younger, and wondered when her life pivoted. She then remembered sitting in a church basement on the Far South Side of Chicago with her future husband, who she had only been dating for a couple of months, while he was talking to a neighborhood group that was grappling with hopelessness and indifference. Obama writes that her family struggled with those feelings, as did her whole neighborhood, and that this is a mindset many marginalized people identify with. “You got somewhere by building that better reality, if at first only in your own mind. Or as Barack had put it that night, you may live in the world as it is, but you can still work to create the world as it should be.” The Obamas wanted to play a role in helping build a better, more inclusive country, and it all started with ideas and conversations.

Growth Is Not A Destination  

Obama concludes her book by writing that “becoming” your best self never ends, you just take it one step at a time. “For me, becoming isn’t about arriving somewhere or achieving a certain aim. I see it instead as forward motion, a means of evolving, a way to reach continuously toward a better self . . . It’s all a process, steps along a path. Becoming requires equal parts patience and rigor. Becoming is never giving up on the idea that there’s more growing to be done.”