Relationships Talk

Sometimes, it’s just a matter of knowing what to avoid — like asking “what’s for dinner?” right after a fight.

A young, soon-to-be-married friend recently asked me for marital advice out of the blue. After I stopped laughing, I told her I was divorced and have been single at random intervals for about 10 of the past 15 years.

“Well, you can tell me what not to do then,” she said.

Wanting to help out a friend, and considering that her chances were nil of exhuming and reanimating Liz Taylor to get some real insight on what not to do, I figured I’d better make an effort.

So without further ado, here’s my list of helpful advice for a healthy marriage — or, more accurately, words of warning to her fiance:

1. Doing the dishes together will not bond you. Invest in a dishwasher, load it and take a nap together instead.

2. Do not hover. If you know more about the minute-to-minute whereabouts of your spouse than prison officials know about early-release inmates with ankle monitors, you need to back off and get a hobby.

3. Do not resist public displays of affection. PDA is good. Plus, if you hold hands with her in the mall, there is a chance it will keep her from going into the craft store.

4. If she asks “do I look fat?” do not pause. The answer is always no.

5. Never, ever suggest that anything be 50/50 unless the same is true for your bank accounts.

6. Just because you shared your feelings in your wedding vows doesn’t mean you’re off the hook.

7. If you have a fight, wait at least three days before asking, “What’s for dinner?”

8. Think of “time of the month” only as the day your cell phone data plan resets.

I texted an ex to ask him if he had anything to add from his current relationship, and he strongly agreed with No. 7 — apparently while dining at a McDonald’s.

Go, love!