Relationships Talk

Q: I’m 28, happily married for six years with an 18-month-old child. My marriage hasn’t always been a rainbow but my husband’s a gem of a person.

Yet I’ve recently been crushing on a co-worker. He’s made it clear that he respects my marriage and me. And I would never cheat.

When my other co-workers come over, he never hugs me, though he hugs others. But he’ll flirt with me.

Even if I were single, he’d be all wrong for me, as our morals don’t match. He’s a bad boy who’s stated that, even when he’s involved with someone, he cheats on his partner.

Did he set boundaries with me because he sensed that I liked him as more than a co-worker?

Why am I crushing on someone when I’m happily married to an amazing man who works hard at keeping me happy?

Confused and Feeling Guilty

A: Why do such mismatched crushes sometimes take hold?

Well, escapist fantasies in a busy life can give an innocent lift to your spirits, but only if you don’t act on them.

Yet there’s still potential danger. A fight with your husband, a problem at work … such players are primed for taking advantage of their sexual target’s low periods.

When he flirts with you, he’s not doing it for your pleasure … it’s for his own smug record, believing that he’ll eventually score.

“Crushing” is in your mind, not your heart. Keep it under control. If it makes you feel sexy, bring that feeling home to the “gem” you married.

Q: I’m a professional man, mid-50s, whose wife of 26 years left our relationship six months ago.

I always believed we shared love and commitment, especially 10 years ago when I was convicted of a white-collar crime related to my professional work.

Our marriage and relationship survived, though we lost everything including our home. I sought higher education in another city and my wife relocated with me.

Over the last six years we put our lives back in order, and she advanced her education. A year ago she secured employment and I was re-established in my career.

Yet I felt some emotional distance and repeatedly asked that we get professional help. She kept resisting.

When I expressed unhappiness and frustration with the loss of our intimacy and closeness, she said she wasn’t willing to change.

Six months ago, she accused me of trying to harm her. Secretly, she emptied our savings from my earnings (she kept her savings separately).

For four months we stayed together, while she refused couples’ counselling unless we separated first. That didn’t make sense to me, insisting that I’d tried to harm her yet still living with me.

Now we’ve moved into separate dwellings but she refuses contact to deal with the aftermath of our separation. I can’t make any sense of this situation.

Living in Pain

A: It’s not easy for a couple to thrive after a fall from grace involving severe drama, losses and change.

Despite later positives for both of you — higher education, new jobs and more money — the difficult times had clearly left her resentful and angry with you.

I can’t guess whether her accusation that you’d “tried to harm her” was something real that you won’t admit. Or her way out.

But on an emotional level, she’s done with the relationship.

She may eventually state what ended it for her, but meantime, get legally informed of your rights and responsibilities in the split.

Ellie’s tip of the day

A crush can be a temporary lift of daydreaming, or start a great deal of trouble.

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Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca