Next Avenue: How and when to give guidance to your son-in-law or daughter-in-law
Click Here for the Post https://www.newsitem.com/arts_living/next-avenue-how-and-when-to-give-guidance-to-your/article_2e7edea9-519a-5cf9-bfeb-bc9e378901d2.html
You are in a public park with your son-in-law when you realize that your young grandson is building up to a bloodcurdling screaming tantrum that will be heard for miles. Your son-in-law isn’t handling it like you would, and you’re itching to tell him. Should you?
No. Keep your words to yourself. End of story.
Thank you, good night!
I’m kidding — that was my inner daughter-in-law talking. In fact, giving your son-in-law or daughter-in-law advice is sometimes completely appropriate and welcome. I, for one, relish advice from my in-laws about gardening and choosing a good French red wine to pair with dinner. However, you must follow some ground rules, says Emily C. Klear, a licensed marriage and family therapist.
Klear says it begins with your son or daughter and your child’s spouse establishing a clear understanding about whether your child-in-law welcomes your advice.
“I often say blood manages blood — of course, recognizing that this isn’t completely the right phrase since many people are adopted — but you should each manage your own family,” she says. “And one of the early discussions in a marriage is about establishing a clear expectation of what kind of guidance you want from your parents.”
Klear notes that all too often, it is actually the daughter-in-law bearing the brunt of family communication and management for both sides of the family, so she is too often the recipient of unwanted advice.
“We have a common cultural belief that it’s the daughters who are the ‘kin keepers,’ and there’s a lot of feeling that it’s always the wife who will manage the husband’s parents. This applies to both generations, too, and many times the mother from the older generation managed her husband’s family, but it should not work this way,” she says.
A tip: Ask your adult child how comfortable he or she is with you giving advice to his or her wife or husband. Clear communication — preferably in advance of a situation — is key.
“One of the biggest things in any family as a couple gets married is the parent-child dynamic in establishing clear boundaries,” Klear says. “Couples have to have a clear expectation of what kind of guidance they want from their parents, and [the parents’] child by birth should communicate that to them.”
These topics will vary by family. Sometimes, parents are uniquely qualified to give advice; for example, they might have valuable knowledge they learned from firsthand experience or expertise on the job.
So, what if you really cannot bear to keep quiet about something, like your belief that children in restaurants should be eating and talking to you rather than staring at iPads? Don’t disguise a complaint or preference as well-meaning advice. Klear advises that you instead mention in advance to your child your preference that kids give up the screens when your families dine together.
Instead of remarking how you raised your children differently, let your child know that it is important to you that everyone be present in the moment sans technology.
Giving parenting advice is tricky business, but if you establish in advance that doing so is OK, Klear says it’s fine. This goes for almost all topics, she says.
Almost? Are any topics verboten when it comes to in-law advice?
“Yes. I would say that — unless you have a unique family context that warrants it — giving advice about sex is probably off the table!” says Klear with a laugh.
