Relationships Talk

“I would never swipe right on a single parent,” my friend Chloe told me, before offering a heavy qualifier.

“But if I didn’t know, and went on a date and liked them and then found out … I think I’d be okay with it.”

I was contemplating online dating for the first time after the break-up of an engagement.

With not much else to go on, the perspective of a woman well versed in the ways of Tinder demanded serious consideration.

As any single parent creating a dating profile will tell you, there’s a binary choice that can’t be avoided.

Either A: Be upfront and say you’ve got kids (thus scaring off the Chloes of this world).

Or B: Kick the can down the road and reveal your true status at some future point.

Chloe’s qualifier ringing in my ears, I went for B.

“Do you live by yourself?” one first date asked me halfway through dinner. “Um, half the time,” I replied sheepishly, before telling her about my son Oscar, who was nine.

As this situation was repeated with varying degrees of awkwardness, it became clear that it wasn’t fair on the people sitting opposite. Just as importantly, it felt like a betrayal to initially “disappear” Oscar just to play a better numbers game.

Since then it’s been A all the way. “Proud owner of a giant ginger cat and only slightly larger ginger human” became the preferred form of disclosure in my Bumble profile.

It does beg the question, though:

“It does depend on each person’s personal situation,” says Paul Johnston, 34, who is developing a new relationship platform for single parents (named, tellingly, “Trueme”) and has surveyed singles around the world.

“From everyone we have surveyed, more than half would be okay with dating a single parent. Within the 30+ market we are reaching out to, people are generally more accepting of someone’s past, providing they are upfront from the start.”

What it can be like dating a single parent

If you’re a woman thinking about dating a single dad, Kelly Chandler’s memoir The Other Mother should be compulsory reading.

Chandler fell in love with a former colleague who had two boys under six. She quickly went from a bohemian singleton fresh out of share houses and frequenting bush doofs, to memorising Where is the Green Sheep and being told “Don’t say words” (translated from toddler-speak to: “Just shut up”) by a suspicious two-year-old.

Ultimately Chandler’s decision to date a single parent ended in a kind of happily-ever-after, and the blended family has since grown with the arrival of her biological son.

But it’s also been a hard road, and Chandler developed her own tips for navigating the rocky terrain: play nice with your partner’s ex, don’t take the “Don’t say words” personally, maintain your own life, and learn to love lizards.

“It’s probably easier to be with someone without kids,” she says.

“That’s something I’ve thought for many years, especially on the school holidays. But it doesn’t tell the full story. I’m a different person now for having spent so much time with the kids: calmer, more patient, with more perspective and compassion.

Advice for prospective partners of single parents

Whether it’s a good idea to swipe right on the cutie with the toddler in the photo depends on a lot of factors. But if you’re doing it with an intention of finding a serious relationship, there are some specific things to consider.

First, a few positives: You’ll be dealing with someone who’s probably got their shit together, because they’ve had to.

And if you want kids (and they might again), it’s a great way to see if they’re a good parent, with values compatible to yours.

But it’s also true that kids can be volatile and sometimes cruel to a new partner; little monsters throwing hand grenades into your relationship. And having to encounter your new partner’s ex on a regular basis at pick-ups and drop-offs can be hard on the soul (for everyone).

Those who date single parents can struggle to know where they fit in. Are they an instant step-parent to the kids, a cool adult friend, or a bit of both?

Lee Pattinson, 33, is the single parent of an eight-year-old boy and recently separated from his live-in girlfriend, who found folding into a ready-made family hard.

“She would say she felt like she got ‘dropped in’,” he says. “This is my house, my life, my child. It’s a machine that just keeps on going and she just got dropped into that.

Advice for single parents dating

If I could get in a time machine and go back to the start of my single parent life, I’d offer myself some sage advice about how to do better in supporting a new partner through the experience. Things like:

1. Take it slow

You don’t have to introduce your new paramour to your kids straightaway. If it’s a good beginning, you’ve got plenty of time. I’ve heard of people waiting six or even 12 months before crossing this threshold, which I think is appropriate.

2. Know it’s whatever you both want it to be

There’s no dating legislation that says your new girlfriend has to have a particular place in your child’s life, or ever be a parental figure. My last girlfriend took on the key role of Fortnite buddy to Oscar, and that was just fine.

3. Be clear from the start that your child always comes first

If this is a deal-breaker for the person dating you, it’s best to know it at the beginning.