Relationships Talk

Dave Simpson / Opinion columnist

It’s graduation time, when callow (devoid of feathers) young people cross stages in silly hats, and are handed diplomas that may or may not land them a job.

So, once again, it’s also time for Dave’s Swell Advice to the Graduates, real, hands-on tips for success in life from a certifiably old guy who learned by making mistakes you don’t have to:

• Most of what you worry about in life won’t happen anyway. I worried that I wouldn’t graduate, wouldn’t find a job, wouldn’t get married, wouldn’t have kids, wouldn’t succeed, and wouldn’t have enough saved for retirement. At one point, I worried that my neck was too long. All of that worry for nothing. If you find yourself worried sick, go to bed early. You’ll feel better in the morning.

• Don’t be one of these people who hold everyone up in parking lots, waiting for the best parking spot to open up. I’ve had the best parking spot, and while nice, it wasn’t a life-changing event. Like your team winning the Super Bowl, the thrill fades pretty fast.

• Don’t look down on people who work with their hands. While you may have gone to college, chances are your plumber, your electrician, or the guy who fixes your car makes more money than you do, especially if you were an English major, like I was. When the toilet’s backed up, the last thing you need is an English major.

• It’s easier to be a Democrat than a Republican, because Democrats can always count on the support of the news media. Journalists will tell you that’s not true, but that’s fake news. You’ve got to be a masochist to be a Republican, these days.

• If you think socialism is a pretty cool idea, Google “Boris Yeltsin goes to the Supermarket” on your cell phone and see what a former Soviet leader thought about the incredible abundance we have in the United States. It may be cool to say you like socialism, but capitalism has brought more people up from poverty than any other system. What is it about freedom and options at the store that you don’t like?

• Speaking of cell phones, look up every now and then. Real life is as exciting as “Candy Crush.” And people walking into traffic peering into their cell phones is nature’s latest way to cull the herd. Don’t get culled.

• Save some money from every paycheck. You’ll need it when you get old like I am. And money in the bank is the best defense against jerk bosses. Always have enough money on hand to say “I quit.” This is way more important than most of the junk you spend your money on.

• Don’t eat at restaurants all the time. It’s too expensive. Get a Crock Pot.

• Things won’t make you happy. They just take up space in your garage. Money in the bank beats a bass boat in the garage for all but a tiny number of days per year.

• If you have a dollar, don’t spend $1.30. That sounds simple, but for most of my 67 years, it is a level of discipline that has eluded American politicians. (You and your kids, by the way, will pay the price for our profligacy. Thanks a lot.)

• Mow your lawn, don’t play your crazy music too loud, and feed your kid breakfast every morning. Don’t make the rest of us feed your kid at school. And know that if you text while driving, you’re an idiot, plain and simple. Wake up and smell the coffee.

• The notion that marriage will be endless bliss is pure bunk. Successful marriage is about doing dishes and taking out the garbage, not that Romeo and Juliet stuff. Endless love works in date movies, but marriage is a whole different kettle of trout.

• Go to the shooting range every now and then. It’s oddly therapeutic.

• Everyone gets to be a little crazy about something. For my wife, it’s Elton John concerts. For me, it’s a little cabin in the mountains. Savor it, because life is short.

• Call your mother. Someday, she won’t be there.

• And last, once again, the classic career advice from the great newspaper columnist Mike Royko:

“Bathe regularly.”

Contact Dave Simpson at davesimpson145@hotmail.com.