Tag Archives: dating advice

Dating while you have an STD

  Dating Advice, Relationships
It’s a conversation that people with sexually transmitted diseases or STDs, also referred to as sexually transmitted infections or STIs — such as herpes, chlamydia or HIV — have been having for years. Meanwhile, their numbers are growing. Today, an estimated 1 in 2 sexually active Americans will contract an STD by the time they turn 25.
But has dating when you have one gotten easier?
“The stigma associated with having an STI leads folks to believe that they won’t be able to date and that no one will want to have sex with them, but in my experience, that’s rarely the case,” said Jenelle Marie Pierce, executive director of the STD Project and spokeswoman for PositiveSingles.com, a dating website aimed at people with STDs. “Sure, some people experience rejection after disclosing to a new partner. But most people find that the stigma itself is far worse than the infection.”
I asked Pierce and other experts to share more insights on dating when you have an STD.

When should you tell a potential partner that you have an STD?

“When first dating someone, most people want to put their best foot forward and disclose information about themselves over time and as comfort, trust and feelings develop,” sex therapist Diane Gleim said. “Depending on your preference and your feelings about the person you’re dating, you may want to lead with your STI status or not. Either approach is OK, but not disclosing your status as sexual activity becomes clearly imminent is not OK.”
A young person is diagnosed with an STD every four minutes in England

In other words, you don’t need to have this conversation on your first date (unless you want to), but you should absolutely tell your partner before you become sexually intimate with them.
“It’s super important to make your STI status known prior to having sex with someone new,” sex educator Heather Alberda said. “Setting the stage for healthy communication starts on day one.”
Josh Robbins, an HIV/AIDS activist and spokesman for another dating website, DatingPositives.com, said that “all you can do is be safe. Being safe means taking personal responsibility and getting tested regularly in order to be up to date on the status of your health.”
“But it’s also about being honest about your sexual health, and the longer you wait to tell someone you’re positive, the harder it will be. Sadly, there may be people who are too afraid to admit they have a condition because they fear rejection. That fear comes from stigma, which can only be reduced by educating people and accepting as a society that STIs are very, very common.”

How should you tell a potential partner about your STD status?

It’s best to approach the conversation pragmatically and succinctly in a safe space with few distractions, Pierce said. “Give the person space and let them take a day or two to circle back with questions. And try your best not to take their response personally.”
New self-lubricating condoms could boost their use, prevent STDs

New self-lubricating condoms could boost their use, prevent STDs

And for people with STDs who want to skip the uncomfortable conversation — and get right to all the other wonderfully awkward aspects of dating — websites like PositiveSingles.com and DatingPositives.com offer a way to do just that. “When folks are initially diagnosed, they are absolutely petrified of disclosing to a new partner, if they even want to date at all, so sometimes, a dating site can really help,” Pierce explained.
Sex therapist Rachel Needle offers this advice: “First, make sure you tell them in person, face-to-face. Be prepared to educate your partner about the STI you have, including ways you can be sexually active and reduce the chance of transmission. If you feel comfortable, you can share with them how you contracted the STI and how, if at all, it has impacted you. Allow your partner to ask any questions they have and provide them with good resources to learn more on their own.’

What should someone expect when disclosing STD status?

“People who have long-term STIs always expect the worst when disclosing their status, but I want to challenge them to also only accept the best,” Pierce said. “While everyone isn’t going to be excited that you have an STI, a calm, kind and thoughtful response is what should happen when you disclose to a new person. If they are hysterical, cruel or disrespectful, then walk away.”
Robbins agreed. “I’ve found that refusing to pursue someone’s approval or acceptance of my chronic condition is the way to go,” he explained. “Attempting to validate myself through another person’s acceptance is pointless. Instead, I view being open about my journey as a privilege I extend to a potential partner. Their reaction will determine whether or not I want them to be in my life.”
Intercourse isn't everything for most women, says study -- try 'outercourse'

Intercourse isn't everything for most women, says study -- try 'outercourse'

The sex educator known as Laureen HD added that “potential partners tend to ask ‘what happened?’ after you disclose that you have an STI. And a common mistake — at least, I consider it a mistake — that people with herpes make is to feel that they owe potential partners an explanation on how they contracted herpes, as if contracting it from a cheating boyfriend versus from a one night stand makes a difference.
“I did an experiment where I used Tinder for a month, where the only thing my bio read was ‘I have genital herpes, swipe right only if you’re cool with it.’ I didn’t know what to expect, but my fearful self, brainwashed by the stigma, anticipated that there was going to be a lot of slut-shaming or rude interactions. But none of that happened. Most guys who swiped right were genuinely appreciative of how upfront I was about the information, and a few were even down to meet up and get to know each other in person. This taught me that we are more understanding of STIs in the privacy of our relationships than we are in public conversations.”

What should people without STDs know about dating someone who’s positive?

Many people may just assume that they’re negative and have not been tested for STDs. The experts I contacted point out that someone who knows that they have an STD is more likely to be aware of their sexual health. “People who are openly STD-positive are the people you should least fear,” Robbins said. “It’s the people who say they’re negative — but maybe they’re only assumed negative or maybe they’ve just never been tested — who actually pose the most risk.”
Should dating apps have HIV filters?

Should dating apps have HIV filters?

It’s also worth educating yourself about that risk. “A once-daily preventive medication called PrEP is now available for people who are in a relationship with someone who is HIV-positive,” Alberda said. “We also know now that if viral loads are undetectable, HIV is unable to be passed along to a partner.”
Sex therapist Michael Vigorito explained, “Studies show a decrease in HIV infections associated with two medical advances: taking a pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) for those who are HIV negative and ‘undetectable = untransmittable’ for those who are positive. My clients share that these interventions decrease their anxieties about HIV infection or transmission and allow them to enjoy their sexuality more fully.”
It’s clear that having an STD doesn’t have to put an end to dating or sex. Just like safe sex, it’s one more topic you’ll want to discuss with a new partner before getting intimate.
“When I got diagnosed with genital herpes, which is an incurable STI, it felt like going back to teenage years and having to learn how to date all over again,” Laureen HD said. “How to make myself look approachable without coming off as easy or promiscuous, how to build self-confidence to put myself out there again, how to not fall for the first person who would fall for me in light of my disclosure, etc.
“After my first rejection, I remember thinking, ‘That’s it, I won’t ever be able to be in a relationship anymore. I won’t ever be a wife. I won’t ever be a mom.’ Those fears and insecurities even lead me to neglect letting some partners know of my diagnosis in a timely way. But a lot of trial and error later, I figured I would rather be rejected while having done the right thing than accepted but having neglected their consent. The emotional fragility never vanishes completely, even after getting many positive responses.”

Ian Kerner is a licensed couples therapist, writer and contributor on the topic of sex for CNN.

Dear Annie: His girls come first

  Dating Advice, Relationships

Dear Annie: I’ve been dating a gentle, kind and loving man for a while. He goes to church, constantly reads his Bible and plays Christian music. We get along great. We have conversations for hours, and we laugh and cry together. But the problem is that he is so close to his three grown daughters, especially his youngest, that I feel completely left out at times.

For instance, we recently went out to dinner, and his youngest daughter happened to come into the restaurant. We had not been dating long at that point, and I was used to him looking at me as we sat across from each other. She came in and sat down beside him, and that was the end of our date. He turned in his chair to face her and talked and smiled at her the whole time. His smile was bigger than I had ever seen. It was almost like watching a schoolboy with his new girl. But they had just had lunch together the day before. They have lunch together at least three times a week. He was ignoring me so much, with his attention centered only on her, that it was extremely awkward.

Father’s Day came about a month later. It was also my birthday. We discussed doing something together for my birthday and then having dessert with my parents so I could see my dad for a bit. His daughters decided to cook lunch for him at noon, which was fine with me, as we could still be at my parents’ place by 3 or 4 in the afternoon for dessert and my birthday cake. When we were with his daughters, the time kept passing, and nothing was said. I finally asked him when we would be going. He told me that no woman would interfere with his relationship with his daughters and that he was not going to tell them that he had plans. I reminded him that we had made an agreement to see my parents.

His only response was that his girls will always come first. I also told him they are old enough to understand that we have to share him. He still refused.

Is this a red flag, or am I being selfish? His daughters are 22, 38 and 40. I forgot to mention that the youngest daughter left after an hour to spend time with her mom and stepdad and her boyfriend and his dad.

— Are Red Flags Flying High?

Dear Red Flags: It sounds as if you two are ships sailing in completely different directions. You began your letter by saying that you are in a relationship with a gentle, kind and loving man, but your stories about him show that his gentle, kind and loving side is reserved for his daughters, especially the youngest, even if it is at your expense. Seeing as he clearly stated that his girls come first and you don’t like that — understandably — it is probably time to move on.

I'm Yours™: How the Quality-Driven Dating Site Counters Modern Swiping Culture in the UK

  Dating Advice, Relationships

Tinder opened Pandora’s box when it launched in 2012 and introduced singles to its swiping matching system. Swiping empowered singles to judge one another based on a single photo and a few pieces of information, and they began swiping with impunity, safe in the knowledge that a new dating profile would always be waiting for them on Tinder. Today, this infamous dating app reaches 196 countries and sees over 1.4 billion swipes per day.

Once Tinder gained momentum in the dating scene, many dating platforms followed suit and used its engaging, photo-based matching system to attract savvy singles online. However, ImYours.co.uk, a U.K. dating site, has resisted the swiping trend and stuck to more traditional matchmaking features. Since it launched in 2000, I’m Yours has facilitated thousands of connections between sincere singles. The team’s focus is on fostering relationships, not creating a game of Hot or Not.

I’m Yours has garnered a reputation as a relationship-oriented dating site in the U.K.

I’m Yours has been around long enough to understand what most singles want and how technology can help or hinder the dating experience. This longstanding dating company has watched swiping culture gain popularity in recent years and takes issue with the way it seems to devalue individual profiles and cheapen the dating scene.

The I’m Yours team argues that many singles burn out after days of reckless swiping lead to no real connections, and they need a more responsible system to support their long-term relationship goals. That’s what I’m Yours aims to provide.

“Believe it or not, there are some people who prefer the old-fashioned romantic love, which is based on getting to know someone, then going on a date, and then starting a long-lasting relationship,” said Evgeniy Garkaviy, spokesperson for I’m Yours. “These kind of singles are certainly not cared for in the dating app swiping culture.”

I’m Yours offers a quality-driven alternative to high-quality singles seeking a genuine partnership in the U.K. Its lengthy profiles and matching algorithm caters to individuals who are serious about getting into a relationship and are willing to put in the effort the make it happen.

A Proudly Old-Fashioned Platform Values Sincerity & Love

I’m Yours is a free dating site with intuitive match and search tools. The dev team designed it to be easy to navigate, even if you’re not a digital native.

Joining I’m Yours takes only a few seconds. The signup process is simple, requiring only a first name, birthday, and email address. From there, users can fill in their profiles with personal details and upload a profile picture, which is automatically reviewed by the site.

Screenshot of an I'm Yours profile

The detailed profile setup on I’m Yours helps singles get to know one another.

Once users feel satisfied with their profiles, they can search the database for a new connection. The search filters allow users to quickly narrow down the dating field to viable matches in their area.

I’m Yours has positioned itself as the dating site “for singles who still believe in romance,” and its interface reflects that idealist frame of mind. You won’t find any cheap appeals to singles’ baser instincts here. The language focuses on discovering common interests and revealing personality traits in a more organic and slow-paced way.

While many modern dating sites and apps push singles to hurry up and make a date already, I’m Yours encourages its users to take their time and weigh their options in a friendly atmosphere. On this old-fashioned dating site, relationship-minded singles make deliberate choices about who they like and what they want, so every date is the result of careful consideration, not a gut reaction.

“From the site’s sappy name to the retro design, it is unashamedly targeted at men and women looking for that old-fashioned romantic date,” Evgeniy said. “Not a quick swipe to the right or the left.”

It is free to register to join the site. Paid registration gives you access to full membership, with enables you to take your time to meet your life partner.

Pairing Up Thousands of British Couples Since 2000

Since its launch in 2000, I’m Yours has helped countless singles find loving partners. The dating site caters to straight men and women who want to meet people and fall in love, and its success stories include many married couples and happy families.

I’m Yours has found success by sticking to what works. It hasn’t changed much in the last decade or so, and that’s very much intentional. The dating site’s simple search tools give users a push in the right direction by allowing them to access thousands of profiles in its national database.

Screenshot from I'm Yours

I’m Yours is a mobile-friendly dating platform designed to meet the needs of modern singles.

Thanks to I’m Yours, finding a compatible date prospect is as easy as clicking the search button. After singles have zeroed in on a potential match, they can seal the deal by sending a message. While I’m Yours is free to join, it isn’t free to message, so singles have to invest in the platform if they want to make a genuine connection.

While some dating platforms support a free-for-all system where anyone can send a message, I’m Yours maintains a more standard pay-to-chat system because it ups the caliber of conversations across the site by ensuring that only singles who are serious about meeting someone can communicate with one another.

I’m Yours assists singles throughout the dating process and offers an array of resources to get them in a relationship as quickly as possible. In addition to its premium dating service, I’m Yours offers an informational blog where a member of the team posts dating advice and highlights popular profiles. This blog teaches users the ins and outs of online dating so they can get a leg up on the competition and take positive action.

Whether it’s offering love advice or recommending matches, I’m Yours takes a personalized approach to online dating and has seen fantastic results on a local level.

“I’m Yours has been online for more than a decade,” said Evgeniy. “Since it has been online, it has brought thousands of men and women together. The site is still bringing discerning singles together.”

I’m Yours™ Strives to Be a Dating Site for Hopeless Romantics

Some dating companies, like I’m Yours, have recognized issues that can come with fast-paced, photo-based matching interfaces and have begun offering more quality-driven alternatives to Tinder and other dating apps.

“All Tinder does is feed that caveman part of a male brain,” said David Wygant, a Huffington Post Contributor. “The app is far from making love connections. It’s all about look connections!”

Fortunately, Tinder isn’t the only option for singles seeking a date, a friend, or a relationship. I’m Yours can deliver a grade-A dating experience where personality matters more than looks. This dating site has made inroads in the dating scene with its old-school solutions for new-school problems.

The I’m Yours team champions meeting people the old-fashioned way. This UK-based dating site does not support swiping features or a casual dating atmosphere. Instead, I’m Yours has taken a leading role as a relationship-oriented counterbalance to the Tinders of the world.

Dating apps crack down on 'ghosting', as 'epidemic' of ignoring partners puts off users

  Dating Advice, Relationships

Dating apps are cracking down on ‘ghosting’, as the practice of ignoring a potential partner after speaking to or going on a date with them is causing would-be romantics to delete their accounts.

As finding partners using apps becomes more popular, ‘ghosting’ is on the rise, as having seemingly infinite options makes it feel as though people are disposable, experts have said.

The app Bumble is trying to eliminate the behaviour altogether, by sending prompts to people who have not replied to messages, urging them to either politely end the conversation or continue it.

It has asked users to stop the practice, and to take a “ghosting vow” before they use the app, as well as providing support and advice to those who have experienced the behaviour. 

Dating app Badoo has implemented a similar strategy; if a user has not replied to someone after three days, Badoo will notify the user and provide reply suggestions. For those who are no longer interested in their match, they can simply choose to close the chat or use one of the polite responses, “Hey I think you’re great, but I don’t see us as a match. Take care!”.

Bumble has recruited an in-house ‘ghosting’ expert, Kate Leaver, who told The Telegraph: “I asked for stories of ghosting recently on Twitter and one woman said ‘which of the 73 times would you like to talk about?’ It’s disillusioning and yes, absolutely, I think it’s driving people to delete their dating apps. If we can address this sort of behaviour in the app itself, or make it less likely to happen, then hopefully people will feel more hopeful and comfortable continuing to use them.

“If you experience ghosting multiple times, it’s just strengthens this idea in your head that you’re unlovable. It can also feel like the dating scene is broken so why bother with it. That’s why we’re addressing it this way.”

Having multiple options on apps, with thousands of potential partners to swipe past and match with, has amplified the problem.

Leaver explained: “Social media, dating apps and apps of all kinds have made it much easier to do and spot.

“The culture of having access to so many people makes those relationships feel more disposable and there isn’t accountability on apps. They don’t feel like real life.”

Badoo’s in-house dating expert and psychologist, Claire Stott, believes that the use of apps to date has increased the behaviour.

She said:  “Ghosting has been going on forever, but apps have expanded the dating pool and created more opportunities for people to meet. Therefore the chances of being ghosted are higher. For anyone who finds themselves being ghosted, don’t assume that they stopped talking to you because you did something wrong. It’s a by-product of online dating rather than a reflection of you as a person.”

Leaver said there are definite mental health repercussions for those who have been ghosted. She explained: “The effects on them psychologically have been quite severe – in the absence of an explanation, as to why people have ended a relationship with you, you fill the gap with your own insecurities.”

« Older posts
Newer posts »